I'll make this my last on this, don't want to hijack the thread.

I was certainly not looking for problems. I don't know the writer. I've gone out of my way to try to find the positives in all the scripts. I did the same here, though I felt the story itself had a Mystery Science Theater feel to it. I had not read the other comments when leaving mine, I never do.

I sometimes glance back at comments, as I did here, and I was kind of surprised at the reaction. So I figured I must have missed something. I gave it another quick read, and in my re-read I did miss some things. Thank you for pointing them out.

It doesn't change my impression. The lab scene feels way over the top, which is fine if done on purpose. Would the creature immediately shrink back to a doll if the writer didn't need it to? Would a doctor just casually toss a doll from the scene as he's leaving the room? What does the doctor think happened at that industrial accident? Heads were smashed, people were stabbed. While he might fairly assume Mooreland is delusional. that still leaves the accident scene at the lab unexplained. Pretty hard to treat him without knowing what really happened.

Like you said, to each their own. Other people seem to enjoy it, so I'm happy to say it must be me!

Well written for the most part.

I loved this:

Quoted Text The poorly lit office displays the meagre trappings of an overworked state facility. Shelves sag with psychiatry books while dusty filing cabinets overflow with dark secrets.

Great description.

Some of the action blocks were a bit dense IMO - I'd break them up into smaller chunks.

Nice effort

You totally sold me on the genre here. Some hard-core sci-fi.

The story is a bit overthought for me. Too much I'd say, but whatever.
If there's a way to simplify it I would.

A lot of characters starting from the very beginning. But they are experimenting, I guess it fits the story.

I didn't like the use of elipses. Too many and out of place. I understand they are scientists that want to stress everything they say to place more importance on their words. But there are rules to the use of elipses, too.

Crafty story that almost lost me. I wasn't invested in your characters too much. Maybe you'll find a way to show off your characters with the next rewrite.

Hmm. Unusual title page. Let’s see where that takes us.

First page- how does a building “lurk”? Lurk is a verb, and as an inanimate object, a building can’t do anything.

“Assigned by genetics to handle difficult patients”?  Why didn’t the genetics assign him to play football or be a SEAL team member?  Okay, I need to just read the script and not focus on these asides.

Okay, finished reading. This is actually pretty good for this Challenge. Met the criteria very well of fusing the horror and sci-fi. It also leaves you with a question of actually did or did not occur.  

Deft writing on display, if not a bit overwritten in places. Overall a good job here.

Best of luck,
Gary

I enjoyed this one.  For me this meets the criteria.  It does remind me of the liquid terminator.  Especially with the blades.  I would have thought the bobblehead would play a larger part in the lab.  Although minor, it was still good.

Whenever I see "Mental Hospital", I have to laugh - does anyone really call a Mental health Facility, a Mental Hospital?  Maybe it's just me, but I doubt it.

2nd passage way overwritten.

Not sure how many times I'll have to repeat this, but why do peeps continue to repeat their Slug in the line that follows?  Why waste the space?  Why be repetitive?  Why do you want to irritate me?  ARGH!!!

Oh man, this is getting rough, as everything is just so overwritten, and every description seems like an irritating aside.

Thank you for formatting the Flashback correctly!  Finally..someone gets it!!!  YES!!

A 5 line passage now?  Damn...why are your passages so damned dense and overwritten?

OK, WTF is supposed to be going on in this Flashback?  Why is it happening so quickly?  They scan this, then that, then a human?  No testing?  Just, here we go?  Very unrealistic and unbelievable.  I think it's a problem not naming these technicians and engineers.

"We've done it! This is going to change everything." - This sounds like a comedy or even a pisser, with this kind of dialogue.  And, why is it coming from Engineer Two?  Wouldn't the Professor be the one to exclaim this?  Very goofy!

Getting goofier line by line.  This "stuff" or this "replica" changing into different things is goofy.

What's The Nodder?  Why is it blaming all these people for killing the Professor's wife of all things?

Another 5 line passage that is just so insanely overwritten and just 1 long run-on sentence.  ARGH!!!

And now a 6 line passage that should actually be several.  Oh man, you're killing me.

So, after killing everyone extremely violently, this thing just goes back to a bobblehead?  Oh boy...

And then the doctor somehow has the same bobblehead in his possession and makes the Prof have it in his room?  Bad doctor!!!

OK, the end - which is well done, but everything leading up to it is so over the top.

Basically every single passage is overwritten and needs to be broken up into 2 or 3 separate passages.

The Sci Fi is well used, but only in a Flashback.  I think the structure of the script is off, and I know 5 pages isn't nearly enough to tell this tale.  I don't think using a bobblehead helps here at all.

Story  - Very unique

Characters - All very dumb or unrealistic

Dialogue - Not bad, not great.

Prose - Poor (other than the Flashback  ).

Criteria - Yep, you're fine here.

I got pulled into this, so that's a good sign.

The action blocks are overwritten, as has been pointed out. That said, they're very well written.

But, I suspect we have a novel writer making the transition to screenplays. Again, it's all very good, just not helpful for this form. I imagine making the jump from one form to another would be very difficult. But, (if I'm right) you should definitely stick to it, because you've got game.

Concentrate on the essentials in your action blocks. The file cabinet description is superb. But, it has no place in a screenplay. It actually, oddly, serves to slow down the read.

All of that said, I for one, actually really liked the visuals of the liquid molting into different forms. The idea of transference was fantastic. Just picture that scene -- this giant aquarium with this man's worst/best moments playing out before him. Excellent.

Pull back on the fluff in the prose and your screenwriting will, I suspect, really take off.

You're very close.

Mental hospitals are known as nuthouses around here... not saying I agree with it.

I'm fine with calling them anything in the slug, even asylum, which is no longer used. We get the point. If there is an opening shot with the name of the facility, then it might need to feel accurate. Here in my state they're still called mental hospital, as in Worcester State Mental Hospital...where I currently reside.

I can't believe people want to lengthen it out to Mental Health Facility. Who has time to say all that?

I have no problem with nuthouse, asylum, mental hospital, mental health hospital, cuckoo's nest or MSNBC. All the same!

Excellent writing. It could use a little more room to breathe during the action, but you were trying to get it all in five pages so you did what you had to.

Good sci-fi, good horror, a solid story, but a few quibbling questions. Chiefly, why did the Nodder lie dormant for so long? Is it really only motivated to kill him because it is him? Talk about self-loathing!

You jumped to calling it the Nodder without any proper introduction. I had to go back and see if I missed something.

Also...why a bobblehead? Because it had to be a bobblehead. It doesn't fit at all except for the requirement.

The ending fell a bit flat for me. I think I would have preferred him getting out and finding the bobblehead waiting for him somewhere or something. I just don't believe a doctor would do that, or have access to something from a crime scene, or that the Nodder was able to hold up to all scrutiny until that point. It stretches beyond believability.

Nice job though, one of the stronger ones.

Very ambitious and written pretty well  but it became a bit messy towards the end as if the writer wasn’t sure how to end it.

The first scenes are very over described which leads to early skimming. The lab scenes were cliched with the out of control monster (Nodder is not a good name for it lol)   But overall a good concept and it’s good you tried something different

Can't think of anything that would improve it.

Quoted from Spqr Can't think of anything that would improve it.

NOPE...it's absolutely perfect as written!  NOT...