|
Author |
Ghost Plane - WT3 (currently 1815 views) |
Don |
Posted: June 17th, 2019, 9:51pm |
|
|
AdministratorAdministrator So, what are you writing?
LocationVirginia Posts16438 Posts Per Day 1.94 |
Ghost Plane by Arthur Sleep - An alcoholic wakes up on his flight to find himself embroiled in a fight with evil 35,000 feet in the air. - Short, Horror |
| Visit SimplyScripts.com for what is new on the site.
------------- You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take. - Wayne Gretzky
|
|
|
|
|
Zack |
Posted: June 17th, 2019, 11:51pm |
|
|
January Project Group
LocationErlanger, KY Posts4500 Posts Per Day 0.69 |
Pretty good writing here. Great pace and strong visuals. Some odd use of dashes in your action lines. Not saying they're wrong, just that I haven't seen them used that way before.
Story-wise, this is very similar to end of that God-awful movie "7500". I actually like your take on it better. It was very creepy and things escalated very rapidly.
Hand sanitizer is present and is utilized well enough.
Not bad at all. |
|
Revision History (1 edits) |
Zack - June 18th, 2019, 12:20am | | |
|
Logged |
|
|
|
Reply: 1 - 21 |
|
|
Scar Tissue Films |
Posted: June 18th, 2019, 2:21am |
|
|
Posts3382 Posts Per Day 0.63 |
Met the criteria. I think I would have liked to see the moment the evil came on board for myself, rather than have it happen when he was in the toilet. I also think the way you showed us the yellow eyes at the start in the windows spoilt what was to come. You basically showed us what would happen and made most of the story, till the very end, redundant.
Not bad, though. |
|
|
|
Reply: 2 - 21 |
|
|
DustinBowcot |
Posted: June 18th, 2019, 2:26am |
|
|
Guest User
|
This is OK as written... but on screen this will come across as comedy. Vomiting over zombies to kill them is hilarious. The story takes itself too seriously. Is horror comedy allowed this round? |
|
Logged |
|
|
|
Reply: 3 - 21 |
|
|
ghost and_ghostie gal |
Posted: June 18th, 2019, 5:02am |
|
|
Old Timer
LocationA helluva long way from LA Posts1566 Posts Per Day 0.29 |
The writing is good. I mean that in more than the standard polite brush-off way. But I' just wasn't feeling your overall script.-Andrea |
| |
|
Logged |
|
|
|
Reply: 4 - 21 |
|
|
LC |
Posted: June 18th, 2019, 7:03am |
|
|
Administrator
LocationThe Great Southern Land Posts7630 Posts Per Day 1.34 |
Hmm, I can't really get with the scenario as played out here. Decently written but I couldn't get serious about your chosen use for the sanitizer.
Very good creepy opening. |
| |
|
Logged |
|
|
|
Reply: 5 - 21 |
|
|
Gary in Houston |
Posted: June 18th, 2019, 12:25pm |
|
|
January Project Group
LocationTexas Posts1306 Posts Per Day 0.31 |
It meets the criteria so check marks there.
I guess my comments are directed towards the story itself, as the writing is fine. I want to know WHY all these people are now zombies and how he didn’t become one himself. Was it because he was in the restroom when the mist came over the plane, or did he drink the hand sanitizer before the mist hit and now he’s immune from the disease or whatever it is?
Also, why do the zombies now all stay in their seats when they see him? Do they not know how to work seatbelts? I think I would have preferred to see them all rising up from their seats and he has to battle his way to the cockpit, and once he made it there the zombies are about to break down the door. That gives him only a little bit of time to make a decision.
But lacking that, why doesn’t he get on the radio and ask for help? It feels like after battling off the zombies, he’s just resigned to giving up. Or perhaps he knows the only way to stop them is to crash the plane. Except apparently that doesn’t stop them either.
So the story didn’t entirely resonate with me but still a decent effort here.
Best of luck, Gary |
| Some of my scripts:
Bounty (TV Pilot) -- Top 1% of discoverable screenplays on Coverfly I'll Be Seeing You (short) - OWC winner The Gambler (short) - OWC winner Skip (short) - filmed Country Road 12 (short) - filmed The Family Man (short) - filmed The Journeyers (feature) - optioned
|
|
|
|
Reply: 6 - 21 |
|
|
Fais85 |
Posted: June 18th, 2019, 1:57pm |
|
|
New
LocationIndia Posts190 Posts Per Day 0.10 |
Great opening. Good ending. Fell apart in between. Vomiting on the infected? Lol. That was funny. I guess it wasn't supposed to be funny though. Your writing style is good. But the overall story is lacking the thrill. |
|
|
|
Reply: 7 - 21 |
|
|
PKCardinal |
Posted: June 18th, 2019, 1:57pm |
|
|
January Project Group
LocationKansas Posts1448 Posts Per Day 0.63 |
Parameters met.
Second script in a row where vomiting of hand sanitizer leads to a momentary "victory." I guess there's only so many ways you make hand sanitizer essential to a story.
The other writer had more of a comedic take on the vomit, which worked slightly better in terms of tone.
Still, this was a good story. At least, part of a story. I'll agree with a previous reviewer in that withholding the yellow eyes for later would have worked just a touch better. And, I'd like to see a more full story. But, then, you'd need more pages!
But, I liked your take on this portion of the story. The ending worked for me. (Though, maybe only one body should have been recovered?) |
| PaulKWrites.com
60 Feet Under - Low budget, contained thriller/Feature The Hand of God - Low budget, semi-contained thriller/Feature Wait Till Next Year - Disney-style family sports comedy/Feature
Many shorts available for production: comedy, thriller, drama, light horror |
|
|
|
Reply: 8 - 21 |
|
|
leitskev |
Posted: June 18th, 2019, 6:15pm |
|
|
Posts3113 Posts Per Day 0.63 |
Decent writing. No hitches there at all. An easy read.
Another story that ended up being a little silly because of the hand sanitizer requirement. I know a drunk will drink mouthwash, but sanitizer? And then the puking defense, or accidental defense.
A good writer struggling with a tough parameter. Didn't quite work out this time. Maybe next round. |
|
Logged |
|
|
|
Reply: 9 - 21 |
|
|
Kevin_L |
Posted: June 19th, 2019, 5:17pm |
|
|
New
Posts143 Posts Per Day 0.02 |
Good writing...I didn’t stop once. The hand san mixed with puke was different.
I’d believe I’d try every last resource before I flew myself into a mountain lol. I would use sign language or a make a sign for the fighter to drive a Hellfire thru the cockpit window if it was a lost cause.
Dialogue was good.
The ending left it open for the next chapter . I liked that.
For what you had to work with, it was fine for me.
All the best.
|
|
Logged |
|
|
|
Reply: 10 - 21 |
|
|
MarkItZero |
Posted: June 19th, 2019, 5:54pm |
|
|
Old Timer
Posts1007 Posts Per Day 0.34 |
Interesting use of the hand sanitizer. I liked the character set up. I'd suggest taking this a lot further into comedy. You play it too serious for vomiting on zombies to start happening. Alcoholic stuck on a plane with zombies is a crazy idea (in a good way).
Lose the "This is the true story of..." start and put is in horror/comedy territory right from the get go. Maybe he's trying to fight through the zombies to get to the inflight beverage cart.
That's just my view, anyways. Solid work for so little time. One of the more unique sanitizer ideas. |
| That rug really tied the room together. |
|
Logged |
|
|
|
Reply: 11 - 21 |
|
|
Warren |
Posted: June 20th, 2019, 12:24am |
|
|
Of The Ancients A man who has taught his mind to misbehave
LocationSydney, Australia Posts3897 Posts Per Day 1.35 |
Hi writer,
Quoted Text CONTROL (RADIO) (V.O.)
|
I think the (V.O.) would be enough. The writing isn’t too bad. But the story does absolutely nothing for me, stuff just happens and then it end. There is no reason for any of it, no explanation, no nothing. The tone is also all over the place. From an almost comedic way to kill these things to the cringe worthy, super-serious dialogue at the end. Also what was the purpose of the true story line at the beginning? Sorry but I wasn’t a fan of that one. All the best. |
| |
|
Logged |
|
|
|
Reply: 12 - 21 |
|
|
PrussianMosby |
Posted: June 20th, 2019, 7:03pm |
|
|
Posts1399 Posts Per Day 0.36 |
Ghost Plane
Not sure if you should call a fictive story a 'true' story…
in general and also regarding the later plane crash theme. In reality bereaved people may despise how the context 'true' is used with fictive material,,, but that's just my personal opinion… I tell you. It was just a thing that stood out to me, not more.
What can I say… I liked to follow the story. The resistance factor of the sanitizer was interesting and the puke/violence core felt pretty well set in the ironic B slasher segment. Good. The zombie virus (where, why) was rather unclear but the script achieved me accepting this through a vivid storyline that kept moving. Good job. Best so far in my book. |
|
|
|
Logged |
|
|
|
Reply: 13 - 21 |
|
|
Spqr |
Posted: June 20th, 2019, 7:12pm |
|
|
Posts483 Posts Per Day 0.09 |
I love the opening text, but how exactly did the “facts” about the doomed flight come out if everyone on board died? In the cabin, Jacob makes a pest of himself by slathering himself with bottles of sanitizer. Does the alcohol penetrate the skin and ease his withdrawal? Why didn’t he just chug it like he did in the toilet? The rise of the zombiesm while Jacob is passed out in the toilet skips over the best part of a zombie story: how did it all start? In the end, the only roll Jacob plays is heroically crashing the plane into a mountain before it can hit Moscow. In reality, I think the jet would’ve blown the plane out of the sky as soon as it stopped communicating.
|
|
|
|
Reply: 14 - 21 |
|
|