Under the Buckeye Tree by Magic Trick - Crime, Snowglobe, Juggler, Mall

I have to say your criteria felt like a tough set, well to me.

The small Man and juggling was sound - out of a circus so to speak

Snow globe, yeah that works enough although we can see the forced element

Crime - didn’t seem the strongest point, but it is there.

I liked the switch at the end.

Was there a reason I missed for the tree?

Under the circumstances a fair effort. Well done.

With a few tweaks this could have a much more emotional impact.

Everything was there from your list, but it felt forced.
Don't get me wrong, all of us were forced to force the criteria into our scripts. The ones who make it work best are going to have great stories.

This was just okay for me.

Why did Lola take Malcolm's hand at the end? Was that an error?

Once again, I really don't see any story or plot here.

Your location of mall doesn't come up until the bottom of Page 3, so that's an obvious problem.

The genre of crime really isn't relevant at all.  yeah, there's some crime, but it's far from a genre anyone would pick up on.

The theme of money being the root of all evil isn't here, either.

Your title has absolutely nothing to do with anything, really.

The snowglobe was shoehorned in.

Slugs are just terrible, sorry to say.

Doesn't work at all for me, sorry to say.

Three of the five components were very strong and center stage but, the two that were very critical, genre and theme were a stretch. Yes, Jake took the necklace and Malcolm took the money but both acts seemed out of spite than anything. Money being the root of all evil? There was only really one mention of money and it wasn't really portrayed as evil, just the not the path Jake chose to follow.


No real issues with the writing. Not sure Malcolm, being from the Buckeye State would say mate. In that circumstance, chances are it would be a lot more derogatory.

Good job, writer.

I'd have to echo a lot of what's already been said. I'll be a little less critical of the title though, as that's where the story really got set into motion. The mall setting worked for me, genre and theme a little shaky, but it's to be expected. The voice-overs just came out of nowhere but I generally don't like VO''s anyway, hehe.
But yeah, not bad. One of the better entries I've read so far.

Hey writer,

So this is a curious one for me. It did fail the challenge in certain aspects, like in theme, as previously noted. And crime amounted to an instance of petty theft on either side.

But I liked and cared about these two characters. So I think you have something here to delve into when you're free from the constraints of the parameters.

I picked up on "mate" too, and while there could certainly be a British cretin in the middle of Ohio, I got the sense that Jake and Lola were written as British as well. MALL FORECOURT is also a term I've never heard used in America.

This read more like a vignette or an opening of a larger piece. I think it's worth exploring.

AJR

I liked elements in this, mostly the relationship between Jake and Lola which I think worked well.

But the crime genre didn't really fly here, and the theme hmm, again not so much.

Rest of the criteria was met and I enjoyed it overall.

Decent effort.

Nice! Solid story and characters. Would have liked it if Jake had stuffed a giant firecracker with a delayed fuse down Malcolm’s pants.

Hi Writer,

Quoted Text JAKE Thanks honey,

Comma required when addressing someone directly in dialogue, so: Thanks, honey

I was wondering if we were ever going to get to the mall.

This is very well written. The dialogue is the strongest part of the script, it all felt very natural.

Another pretty good one.

All the best.

Ok, overall, I really liked this one. Your dialogue is very natural and feeds our image of the characters. It flows really well and for the most part feels like what would be said in that situation.

Um, not sure if i completely got the ending with Malcolm and Lola walking off together.

I'll share one item, and it's more likely just my ignorance (the title: not sure of the connection).Cheers! -ghostiegirl.

I have no idea what a Buckeye tree is or the significance of it to the title and story, lol. Ok, I realize Ohio (which I have driven through actuary) is known as the Buckeye State but that's it lol.

This had all the ingredients to something special but it sort of fizzled. Perhaps if you used fantasy as the genre and Jake was a type of real wizard or something, it could've been more realistic.

But a decent effort using some tough variables.

I'm torn with this one. I think it's overwritten a tad and I know that is a personal taste thing but taking up over a page to introduce the characters and describe their environment in a 5-page script is excessive and why leaner may be meaner but reads better in my books.

The theme isn't obvious but it is there. The mom chasing money and adventure meant the kid lost out on having a mother is one element most seemed to have missed and focused on the stealing aspects instead, which is the crime.

There is a lot to like about these characters and the world they live in, there just isn't enough time in 5-pages to delve into them enough and I'd certainly encourage this to be fleshed out more outside the tournament.

All in all, an excellent effort.  

-Mark

Well I thought even though it needs cleaning it tells a wonderful story and the ending is very nice.

You need to change Malcolm to Jake at the end.

Very well written adn all.

Congrats.

The theme is wedged in for me but whose isn't.

A lot of story packed into this one and it takes a while to get to the Mall... But I kinda think you needed that longish setup. Perhaps too big a story for five pages? Hmm...

A clean read. Really liked gutsy Jake. Natural dialogue.
Bit light on the ground with the theme but the elements are there.

I liked it a lot.
Gotta lot of heart!