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Under the Buckeye Tree - WT (currently 995 views) |
Don |
Posted: July 6th, 2020, 11:16pm |
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AdministratorAdministrator So, what are you writing?
LocationVirginia Posts16448 Posts Per Day 1.94 |
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Reef Dreamer |
Posted: July 7th, 2020, 4:22am |
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Old Timer Part time writer
LocationThe Island of Jersey Posts2612 Posts Per Day 0.56 |
I have to say your criteria felt like a tough set, well to me.
The small Man and juggling was sound - out of a circus so to speak
Snow globe, yeah that works enough although we can see the forced element
Crime - didn’t seem the strongest point, but it is there.
I liked the switch at the end.
Was there a reason I missed for the tree?
Under the circumstances a fair effort. Well done. |
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The Elevator Most Belonging To Alice - Semi Final Bluecat, Runner Up Nashville Inner Journey - Page Awards Finalist - Bluecat semi final Grieving Spell - winner - London Film Awards. Third - Honolulu Ultimate Weapon - Fresh Voices - second place IMDb link... http://www.imdb.com/name/nm7062725/?ref_=tt_ov_wr |
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Nomad |
Posted: July 7th, 2020, 7:48am |
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January Project Group
LocationSouthern California Posts721 Posts Per Day 0.15 |
With a few tweaks this could have a much more emotional impact.
Everything was there from your list, but it felt forced. Don't get me wrong, all of us were forced to force the criteria into our scripts. The ones who make it work best are going to have great stories.
This was just okay for me.
Why did Lola take Malcolm's hand at the end? Was that an error? |
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Dreamscale |
Posted: July 7th, 2020, 11:38am |
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Guest User
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Once again, I really don't see any story or plot here.
Your location of mall doesn't come up until the bottom of Page 3, so that's an obvious problem.
The genre of crime really isn't relevant at all. yeah, there's some crime, but it's far from a genre anyone would pick up on.
The theme of money being the root of all evil isn't here, either.
Your title has absolutely nothing to do with anything, really.
The snowglobe was shoehorned in.
Slugs are just terrible, sorry to say.
Doesn't work at all for me, sorry to say. |
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JEStaats |
Posted: July 7th, 2020, 11:40am |
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Old Timer No sh*t, there I was....
LocationTucson, AZ Posts1736 Posts Per Day 0.61 |
Three of the five components were very strong and center stage but, the two that were very critical, genre and theme were a stretch. Yes, Jake took the necklace and Malcolm took the money but both acts seemed out of spite than anything. Money being the root of all evil? There was only really one mention of money and it wasn't really portrayed as evil, just the not the path Jake chose to follow.
No real issues with the writing. Not sure Malcolm, being from the Buckeye State would say mate. In that circumstance, chances are it would be a lot more derogatory.
Good job, writer. |
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Arundel |
Posted: July 7th, 2020, 12:13pm |
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January Project Group
LocationLas Vegas, Nevada Posts265 Posts Per Day 0.14 |
I'd have to echo a lot of what's already been said. I'll be a little less critical of the title though, as that's where the story really got set into motion. The mall setting worked for me, genre and theme a little shaky, but it's to be expected. The voice-overs just came out of nowhere but I generally don't like VO''s anyway, hehe. But yeah, not bad. One of the better entries I've read so far. |
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ajr |
Posted: July 7th, 2020, 12:41pm |
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Old Timer
Posts1482 Posts Per Day 0.28 |
Hey writer,
So this is a curious one for me. It did fail the challenge in certain aspects, like in theme, as previously noted. And crime amounted to an instance of petty theft on either side.
But I liked and cared about these two characters. So I think you have something here to delve into when you're free from the constraints of the parameters.
I picked up on "mate" too, and while there could certainly be a British cretin in the middle of Ohio, I got the sense that Jake and Lola were written as British as well. MALL FORECOURT is also a term I've never heard used in America.
This read more like a vignette or an opening of a larger piece. I think it's worth exploring.
AJR |
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AnthonyCawood |
Posted: July 7th, 2020, 6:58pm |
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January Project Group
LocationUK Posts4323 Posts Per Day 1.13 |
I liked elements in this, mostly the relationship between Jake and Lola which I think worked well.
But the crime genre didn't really fly here, and the theme hmm, again not so much.
Rest of the criteria was met and I enjoyed it overall.
Decent effort.
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Spqr |
Posted: July 7th, 2020, 7:20pm |
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Posts483 Posts Per Day 0.09 |
Nice! Solid story and characters. Would have liked it if Jake had stuffed a giant firecracker with a delayed fuse down Malcolm’s pants.
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Warren |
Posted: July 7th, 2020, 7:30pm |
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Of The Ancients A man who has taught his mind to misbehave
LocationSydney, Australia Posts3897 Posts Per Day 1.35 |
Hi Writer,
Quoted Text JAKE Thanks honey, |
Comma required when addressing someone directly in dialogue, so: Thanks, honey I was wondering if we were ever going to get to the mall. This is very well written. The dialogue is the strongest part of the script, it all felt very natural. Another pretty good one. All the best. |
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ghost and_ghostie gal |
Posted: July 7th, 2020, 9:30pm |
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Old Timer
LocationA helluva long way from LA Posts1566 Posts Per Day 0.29 |
Ok, overall, I really liked this one. Your dialogue is very natural and feeds our image of the characters. It flows really well and for the most part feels like what would be said in that situation. Um, not sure if i completely got the ending with Malcolm and Lola walking off together. I'll share one item, and it's more likely just my ignorance (the title: not sure of the connection).Cheers! - ghostiegirl. |
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stevie |
Posted: July 8th, 2020, 4:23am |
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Of The Ancients
LocationDown Under Posts3441 Posts Per Day 0.61 |
I have no idea what a Buckeye tree is or the significance of it to the title and story, lol. Ok, I realize Ohio (which I have driven through actuary) is known as the Buckeye State but that's it lol.
This had all the ingredients to something special but it sort of fizzled. Perhaps if you used fantasy as the genre and Jake was a type of real wizard or something, it could've been more realistic.
But a decent effort using some tough variables. |
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MarkRenshaw |
Posted: July 8th, 2020, 4:35am |
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January Project Group
LocationUK Posts2335 Posts Per Day 0.58 |
I'm torn with this one. I think it's overwritten a tad and I know that is a personal taste thing but taking up over a page to introduce the characters and describe their environment in a 5-page script is excessive and why leaner may be meaner but reads better in my books.
The theme isn't obvious but it is there. The mom chasing money and adventure meant the kid lost out on having a mother is one element most seemed to have missed and focused on the stealing aspects instead, which is the crime.
There is a lot to like about these characters and the world they live in, there just isn't enough time in 5-pages to delve into them enough and I'd certainly encourage this to be fleshed out more outside the tournament.
All in all, an excellent effort.
-Mark |
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khamanna |
Posted: July 8th, 2020, 11:08am |
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January Project Group
Posts4195 Posts Per Day 0.79 |
Well I thought even though it needs cleaning it tells a wonderful story and the ending is very nice.
You need to change Malcolm to Jake at the end.
Very well written adn all.
Congrats.
The theme is wedged in for me but whose isn't. |
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LC |
Posted: July 8th, 2020, 11:29pm |
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Administrator
LocationThe Great Southern Land Posts7636 Posts Per Day 1.34 |
A lot of story packed into this one and it takes a while to get to the Mall... But I kinda think you needed that longish setup. Perhaps too big a story for five pages? Hmm...
A clean read. Really liked gutsy Jake. Natural dialogue. Bit light on the ground with the theme but the elements are there.
I liked it a lot. Gotta lot of heart!
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Geezis |
Posted: July 9th, 2020, 8:11am |
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January Project Group There's always a single malt waiting for you.
LocationGlasgow, Scotland Posts411 Posts Per Day 0.26 |
Hi, I thought there was a complete story in there, crime and punishment, while some might focus on the theft of the necklace as the crime, physical assault is also a crime. So one crime countered against another could be construed as justice. I like the imagery and the dialogue although some things did confuse me, I don't know what a 'nuggety' person looks like and I didn't know skateboards had 'grinding wheels'. Petty complaints but I enjoyed this script. Well done. |
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PKCardinal |
Posted: July 9th, 2020, 1:55pm |
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January Project Group
LocationKansas Posts1448 Posts Per Day 0.62 |
I enjoyed this one. Not sure why people think crime wasn't in there enough. 3 crimes took place in 5 pages.
Anyway, I agree that the theme was lightly represented, as the taking of the money and the necklace weren't really about money... more about revenge/justice.
Still, this was fun. |
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mmmarnie |
Posted: July 9th, 2020, 6:29pm |
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January Project Group
Posts1085 Posts Per Day 0.22 |
Wait...Malcom and Lola leave together???? If that's not a typo I'm very confused.
I liked this. The father/daughter relationship was very sweet. Theme...a little iffy, but the variables were used very well. I did care about these two, so good job there.
Nice work. Best of luck!
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