Gift Horse by Anthony Cawood (Anthony Cawood) writing as Arnie - Short, Thriller -  What seems like a chance encounter turns out to be something much more sinister when a muscle-bound gym-rat crosses paths with a bartender who’s grieving the death of his twin sister.

Heart-shaped Pendant, Drug Dealer, Bar - pdf format

First review of Round 3.

I liked this one. Had some good dialogue and a cool back story. Virtually a talking heads one but still had some imagery.  The competent dialogue gave it the right feel. And any script with a buffed Stevie in it is good value!

Nice work!

An observation so far about the tourney - most of the better scripts are the ones with the tough variables. Having to really brainstorm and juggle the genres etc leads to some great creations.  That said, some of the variables peeps are getting are so easy lol, compared to the painful ones i seem to have jagged.

I like this. There is nothing wrong with talking heads and telling as long as it is entertaining. You have action going continually through the telling so we know the audience will have something to keep their brain engaged visually. Even though I knew where this was going and there were no surprises, this simply revenge story worked a treat.

All boxes ticked, nicely done.

-Mark

There is some really great dialog here. And love that the tension builds within the actual dialog.

This is done in one location with only 2 characters. To me it actually came off as a piece that could be a stage play.

Steve definitely got what he deserved.

Great job, writer!

heat shaped pendant, drug dealer, bar, thriller


beware the roids...

a simple revenge play and easy to film

not sure what the first shout back was about, and if a planned revenge was happening other people around seems a tad strange

concept wise, it a nice simple tale and I like the fact he has sold drugs to the other sister - a believable concept

does Dominic need to be a chemist?  I get why you used this, but it just felt convenient. maybe he could have looked these things up afterwards.

a touch more foreshadowing may also add to script richness, given a bit more space - five pages do constrain

all the best

This worked for me. Well written. Good dialogue.

The tension built nicely.

Strong effort. I think this'll get picked up and made.

One big question first: Who was he saying sorry to in the very beginning? I kept waiting for someone to come out from the backroom but it just hung there unexplained. Did I miss something? Had he tied up the bar owner/tender?

Anywho, a nice, well planned, little revenge story. This works for both this week's and last week's theme.

Nicely done, writer.

First five drinks on us.? There goes the business and out the door go the drunken sailors... I mean, patrons.
Ah, okay, a lure. Do Gym junkies drink a lot?

A layer of white powder? Again, really spelling it all out too much.

I think a little more subtlety with this dialogue could be in order. Weird, same upbringing, school, diet,
everything the same. Even if you left it at upbringing.

Ah, he is a chemist.
And not your average drug, but 'roids.

All adds up.
Elements were there, not bad ones either.

Not bad. Flew by.
I'm guessing I might have sussed the author of this one but I've been wrong many a time before.

I would be really suspicious of a bar offering the first five drinks for free, but Stevie doesn't seem like the astute type. My guess is that the real bartender is tied up in the back.

Good story, hits the elements, though some of the dialog reads clunky it sounds believable from an uptight nerdy type.

Good job.

Had a gritty feel to it, pretty well done. Good with just the two characters and all the variables were put to good use. Theme? Not sure but I won't gripe about that.

Hi,

I liked the simplicity of this revenge tale and it ended on a "What happen's Next" vibe. How will the full measure of revenge be exacted?

I liked your story a lot.

Well done.

Well-told  story. Stevie gave Sinead the steroids that killed her, so Dominic sets out to do the same to Stevie. It was in Sinead’s nature to do reckless things like doing ’roids. And it’s in Dominic’s nature to kill Stevie. For what it's worth, I can only detect half of the nature vs. nurture argument in this script.

This scenario feels very well played out. A talking heads script that's thin on story in my opinion.

Another one where I'm struggling to see the theme.

Still, a competently written script.

Quoted from Warren Another one where I'm struggling to see the theme.

The writer presents the idea in dialogue rather specifically that two people can come from the same family, same parents, upbringing, lifestyle, one goes the straight and narrow (well, except for eventually killing someone) the other turns to drugs etc. Actually, the irony, now that I look at it, is that steering off course into criminal activity for this family seems to be genetically predisposed.  

I see the theme not addressed in a few others way more than this one.

Edit: Maybe you mean would you have come away with that theme from reading this if not for the theme being imposed with the challenge. Applies to a lot of entries I think. It's a hard nut to crack.

Quoted from LC one goes the straight and narrow (well, except for eventually killing someone) the other turns to drugs etc. Actually, the irony, now that I look at it, is that steering off

Well, if you're going to dwell on technicalities...

Yep, Frank,  I should probably stick to not commenting on comments.

Quoted from LC The writer presents the idea in dialogue rather specifically that two people can come from the same family, same parents, upbringing, lifestyle, one goes the straight and narrow (well, except for eventually killing someone) the other turns to drugs etc. Actually, the irony, now that I look at it, is that steering off course into criminal activity for this family seems to be genetically predisposed.   I see the theme not addressed in a few others way more than this one. Edit: Maybe you mean would you have come away with that theme from reading this if not for the theme being imposed with the challenge. Applies to a lot of entries I think. It's a hard nut to crack.

The theme here is revenge, the story, which is spoken through expositional dialogue is about kids turning out differently (but they kind of don't). That's my opinion.

And with that I think I'm done. Good luck for the rest of the WT all.

Honestly, this started well for me but slowly descended. Reason been, it was familiar for me. Not a fan of this.

Regardless, good luck.

Good use of the elements - I think it's a little light on thriller but hey for 5 pages, it does what it sets out to do.

Theme is mentioned, hinted at, attempted, whatever you want to call it, so for that yes I agree with Libby, there are scripts in this round that look like the writer had not even been informed what the theme was.

I think they were raised the same, in the same house, which does mitigate against nature "VS" nurture.

Apart from the elements I think it's a revenge story and I'm not how much "new" has been brought to the table here. Halfway down page 3 I could see where this was going, however that might have been because the criteria was guiding me there.

AJR

Thanks for all the great feedback, appreciated as always.

A couple of people queried who he was talking to right at the start, Frank got it right... was meant to indicate that he'd imprisoned the bar owner.

I initially made him a Printer, implying that he'd printed the marketing flyer but changed it to Chemist at the last minute... I might change it back.

Thanks all!

This one has now been sold to a director in the US.

Okay, you can stop showing off now!  
Congrats!

Lol, happened last yr too, I think it's filmmakers getting ready for the new year...

Quoted from AnthonyCawood This one has now been sold to a director in the US.

And another one?  You are definitely on a roll!  My new favorite four letter word is going to be “SOLD”!  Congrats again!

Many thanks and love the mug pic!