The Derelict Who Saw The Future by Harvey Pitlik - Plate of Chicken Wings, Bus Driver, Warehouse - Short, Thriller

Got a couple of  questions about this one...I'm guessing the cooler in the bus had ice in it? And is the panther meant to represent his conscious?  The inclusion of the animal is puzzling as its not a variable.

Ah, maybe its the ghost of Ricky?  Anyway, an odd little script. Writing was fine just a bit mysterious, is all.

A lot of potential in this but it needs a lot of work in my opinion. The incident on the bus is powerful and relevant at the moment. I don't think you need to explain so much with the VO news reporter. I think this is where a short flashback would work wonders.

How is this guy out and about and living in a bus and not in prison or a mental hospital? That seems weird.

The panther is a strange thing to include in a Thriller and there is not much thriller here. I'm also a bit unsure where the nature versus nurture theme fits in. He's a bus driver who went postal one day. There is a mention of her by the panther and I'm wondering if this 'her' is his mother, but that seems added in.

-Mark

Very interesting story but I'm struggling with the theme. I see someone that definitely has issue and neurosis but no representation of nurturing to overcome the tendencies. It's like he just snapped one day since we're not provided any history. IDK, I'm babbling.

The black panther is pretty cool but I wasn't sure if it was NG's ghost or his inner voice.

Thriller? Up for debate.

Good work, writer. It'll be interesting to read your explanation after the reveal.

The best part of this was the moment of tension when you realize the protesters are right outside the warehouse where he's hiding with the bus.

That's where I'd suggest building this particular story. There's plenty of "thriller" in that. The panther confuses things (though you do make it clear what the panther represents), as do the interactions between the protesters and the police. This is the story of a guy who did a bad thing hiding from people who want their form of justice.

You can still get into his backstory/motivations. But keep the focus on that main tension.

There's a good idea here that just needs more work.

Grim, but the story works for me. I don’t think it’s a thriller, however. I think crime is the closest genre it fits in. It’s hard to tell whether nature of nurture is responsible for Harvey’s actions. But the immediate reason for his going nuts had something to do with his wife, and that kind or reaction doesn’t really depend on what kind of upbringing he had. The Black Panther (representing the dark side of his psyche?) was a cool touch, and reminded me of the serial killer “Son of Sam” blaming a talking dog for his actions. Couldn’t figure out the significance the title, though.

Hmm, I like this and it's well written with some really interesting imagery, but I had some issues/questions.

How does he still have the bus? What does the panther represent?

Anyway, these questions didn't stop me liking the script.

But, in terms of the theme I don't really see any evidence of it here.

Hi, writer.

Nice script you have here. Different and cool of you to include a panther.

Got the Joker (last) feel to it.

The theme is covered - he got crazy because of his wife, certainly wouldn't be this way. You could maybe go deeper about them, but not in 5 pages.
Nice work.

When Harvey goes to the back of the school bus for the cooler, he turns on the engine.  
Maybe when we get to him defrosting the frozen chicken, you already have the engine running.

So it seems Harvey has lost his sanity, believes he's being stalked by an anthropomorphic wild panther. When taunted, he goes crazy and runs people over.  One thing that isn't entirely clear for me is the deal with the protesters and the officers. It doesn't make a lick of sense. I don'y buy it for one iota. It really takes me out. Way out. Maybe it's at attempt to be topical, but it's out of place.

Putting it into perspective : there's nothing to protest. and it isn't the fault of law enforcement. There is no debate . A man went crazy, ran over and killed somebody. The police have him cornered in an old warehouse. Harvey has no hostages. what happened to the other bus passengers? Where did Harvey get the food? How long has he been there?
Was there any communication between Harvey and the authorities?

Not for me.

You really need to be careful with defrosting chicken, the ol' salmonella lurks.  

Nice opening. Like the visuals with the holes cut out in the photo. Love the panther.

The Black panther is clearly symbolism for the movement not the super hero. Ooh, more than that - conscience too, and maybe provocation?

PANTHER
They’d do the same to you if they
got the chance. When they get the
chance.

Ah, social commentary.
A dog eat dog world.
Get them before they get you. Herd mentality etc.

Very creative, loved the images.
A bit of an anticlimactic ending.

Nonetheless enjoyable because it is a unique tale.

I see the attempt at the theme but there is no illumination. By the woman's age, which is the same as the bus driver, we can conclude she's either the wife, in which case no theme is present, or his twin, in which case, we do not know why the bus driver grew up this way and did this thing.

"Ricky Dicky" seems an odd choice of words, almost like he knew the guy? And angry. This person has not changed and does not change, because he heads out for more carnage at the end.

He's also hiding in plain sight in a warehouse with no door (I think? You say he looks out at the large open space) with a city bus where he's on film running someone down, and police nearby doing crowd control. So they know who he is. Strains credulity for me.

I do not know what the "happening" is here - what is this script about, apart from incorporating the elements?

I do see the attempt at humanity with the cop rescuing the protesters, but this is your bus driver's story, and I don't see a story here.

AJR

Let the comments flow.

The Panther's angle was funny for me. Seriously, got myself imagining a Panther speak. Ding! The Lion King. Wait. Was there a Panther in it?

Anyways, the ending was just like the name itself. It just ended. I mean there was no contentment in it. Although, it reminded me of the novel MR. MERCEDES.

Written enough.

Good luck.

Hi,

Maybe I'm missing the point but I didn't register this week's theme in this story. Nice visuals yes, decent dialogue yes, but overall it didn't sit right with me.

The driver kills and man yet somehow manages to hide his getaway bus in a warehouse.
The panther is a good metaphor but I'm not sure what for, his conscience or his mental health?

I didn't hate the story or the script but I just didn't get it.
But at least you entered.

Well done.

Small non-issue, there is something wrong with your slug spacing, some are double spaced, some are single spaced. Either there is a glitch in your software or your using action blocks to write a slugs.

This is that minimalist writing again that comes off like a list, I think you should feel free to give it a bit more flare. Screenwriting, although a blueprint for the film, still needs to be exciting to read and be able to hold the readers attention. This style can be very 'dry' for lack of a better word.

The writing could use a bit of a tidy up.

I really struggled to find the theme in this one, it's also unclear to me what makes this a thriller. I think both these elements were not really present.

This didn't work for me unfortunately.

Chicken wings and a warehouse  

Black panther and a thriller... it did feel That it went off genre at that moment, yet there is also tension

A hold up. The criminal is in the warehouse - having chicken wings so it seems - wanted by the crowd outside

Good tension. What’s going to happen

But it needs a better ending, and more connection between outside and within.

Got potential

Ugh, I just wrote a response and it got wiped out. This is a truncated version:

Good points made already.

I think you should replace the Narrator with scrolling text.....just kidding.

Here's the thing though. If anything, the Narrator could be trimmed a little...with such powerful images, why have words "stepping" all over them? Just sayin’. Best of Irish luck!-ghostiegirl.