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Killer of the Year - WT3 (currently 1301 views) |
Don |
Posted: July 19th, 2020, 11:10pm |
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AdministratorAdministrator So, what are you writing?
LocationVirginia Posts16448 Posts Per Day 1.94 |
Killer of the Year by Zodiac - Angel Hair Pasta, Disc Jockey, Awards Show - Short, Fantasy |
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------------- You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take. - Wayne Gretzky
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stevie |
Posted: July 20th, 2020, 3:15am |
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Of The Ancients
LocationDown Under Posts3441 Posts Per Day 0.61 |
Inventive script! The beauty of the fantasy genre is that you can pretty much write anything and you hardly have to any shoehorning. There is a little SHing here with the angel hair pasta lol but we can overlook that.
POSSIBLE SPOILER
Wasn't sure on the ending. So Johnny was still alive? Why was the bust at the woman's house?
Anyway this was pretty wild and written well. |
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ghost and_ghostie gal |
Posted: July 20th, 2020, 5:29am |
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Old Timer
LocationA helluva long way from LA Posts1566 Posts Per Day 0.29 |
Alrighty then, It's a fantasy and I often worry that stories like this would be to hard to digest with/without the backstory, but it wasn't the case here. There's strong imagination in your writing. Very clean and easy to read. I enjoyed it. Not here to nit-pick. No suggestions. I assume Johnny died at the end. Good luck with it.-ghostiegirl. |
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MarkRenshaw |
Posted: July 20th, 2020, 5:48am |
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January Project Group
LocationUK Posts2335 Posts Per Day 0.58 |
Hugely ambitious and creative. I think the central idea of exploring two killers lives and showing one fueled by nurture while the other obviously nature is a great idea.
The mechanism you choose to do this is what lets it down. A huge hanger filled with killer spirits, a DJ and an angel? I'm not sure what the point of all this is and why an angel would be there to help celebrate the killer of the year.
The ending I don't understand. Was Johnny alive all along? Was it a dream? Did he get killed by spaghetti Hitler? I dunno!
I love the central idea, the execution needs work in my opinion but you did well to come up with this in 72 hours.
-Mark
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mmmarnie |
Posted: July 20th, 2020, 9:18am |
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January Project Group
Posts1085 Posts Per Day 0.22 |
This was awesome. What a freakin great idea. And the DJ's dialog was great. Funny how he kept questioning why he was still there.
I lol'd at why they use angel hair pasta.
Writing was so good.
But...the end confused me. I thought Johnny was already dead. Well...whatever. I really enjoyed it. Nice job, writer!! |
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khamanna |
Posted: July 20th, 2020, 9:55am |
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January Project Group
Posts4195 Posts Per Day 0.79 |
So there's Oscars but here you have Killer of the Year reward.
Nice idea. And good use of the criteria.
I think you could take it even further maybe. Show both in action, make them come across each other or something. I'm just missing action from your main characters. But it's a good thing that I want more - it shows that the set up, i.e. your main idea works.
Anyway good work. |
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JEStaats |
Posted: July 20th, 2020, 2:38pm |
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Old Timer No sh*t, there I was....
LocationTucson, AZ Posts1736 Posts Per Day 0.61 |
Fantasy? I thought that's how decisions were made in limbo! Kidding. Pretty damn creative little story here. The good parts definitely out weigh the eye-rolls. Nailed the theme too - good job.
Like the others, I expected Johnny Bonds to be dead and in the hangar with the rest of the souls in limbo. The ending of Johnny eating the meatball and dying was a big rim-shot. Curtain down and laugh track.
Otherwise, a fun read. |
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AnthonyCawood |
Posted: July 20th, 2020, 4:48pm |
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January Project Group
LocationUK Posts4323 Posts Per Day 1.13 |
I missed the genre to start with so a Hangar rising up through the clouds threw me until I went and checked Loved the pasta inclusion, definitely made me chuckle. Well written and I enjoyed... just the ending let this down for me as it didn't seem to fit with what had been setup. Decent effort. |
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PKCardinal |
Posted: July 20th, 2020, 5:45pm |
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January Project Group
LocationKansas Posts1448 Posts Per Day 0.62 |
What a hoot! I can't believe you found a way to weave those parameters into something that worked. The DJ was hilarious. The setting, awesome (even if you did cheat -- how can we know this is where WW2 pilots souls were held here?).
And, Killer of the Year awards is enough to make this work, all by itself.
Good job. Thanks for the laughs. |
| PaulKWrites.com
60 Feet Under - Low budget, contained thriller/Feature The Hand of God - Low budget, semi-contained thriller/Feature Wait Till Next Year - Disney-style family sports comedy/Feature
Many shorts available for production: comedy, thriller, drama, light horror |
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LC |
Posted: July 21st, 2020, 1:32am |
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Administrator
LocationThe Great Southern Land Posts7642 Posts Per Day 1.34 |
Whew! Overload. You certainly packed a lot in five pages.
A bit too much telling in descriptive passages. Highly imaginative and clearly you had fun concocting this.
I'm not a big Fantasy fan so clearly not your target audience, but you did good. |
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Yuvraj |
Posted: July 21st, 2020, 9:01am |
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Been Around
LocationWhy you wanna know? Posts795 Posts Per Day 0.50 |
Title and the writer's name - go hand in hand. Intriguing.
It is jam packed. Visual carnage also can be seen here. Surely, an awards show better not telecasted.
Good luck. |
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Revision History (1 edits) |
Yuvraj - July 21st, 2020, 9:34am | | |
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Geezis |
Posted: July 21st, 2020, 4:02pm |
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January Project Group There's always a single malt waiting for you.
LocationGlasgow, Scotland Posts411 Posts Per Day 0.26 |
Hi,
I hate DJs. I loathe them. And the fact that one is permanently in limbo fills me with great joy. I thought the story was doing great right until the end, it confused me. Well written and thoroughly enjoyable.
Well done. |
| If at first you don't succeed........bribe someone. |
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Reef Dreamer |
Posted: July 22nd, 2020, 3:46am |
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Old Timer Part time writer
LocationThe Island of Jersey Posts2612 Posts Per Day 0.56 |
Angel Hair Pasta, Disc Jockey, Awards Show - Short, Fantasy
I'm glad I didn't get that selection
this is a tricky one to consider, but its clear this was a creative effort which stands out - well done.
story wise, there's a trophy/award for evil killer of the year half way to heaven run by a DJ who's not allowed up. part of me says, interesting, part of me find sit unappealing. especially when run by someone who wants to be elsewhere, but I get the conflict point.
I suppose the suggestion with Johnny is that evil was in existence despite an adequate family. that would have Been interesting to explore more fully. and despite the slapstick nature of the script it could have had an intriguing element
who is worse - one born into an evil environment, or one emerging from what 'appears' to be a sound environment.
is one who is abused and then kills, better than one who just killed
good creativity for the short period
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DarrenJamesSeeley |
Posted: July 22nd, 2020, 5:19pm |
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January Project Group
LocationMichigan.USA Posts1522 Posts Per Day 0.31 |
Clever and inventive. No nitpicks here. Well...okay. Just one. Considering most of all these evil folks are going to hell... Why not have it in hell? Having the DJ taken part in payola was kind of funny.
well done. high marks. checked all the boxes. |
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Warren |
Posted: July 22nd, 2020, 5:34pm |
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Of The Ancients A man who has taught his mind to misbehave
LocationSydney, Australia Posts3897 Posts Per Day 1.35 |
I think your first scene location would be better as HANGER, HALF WAY TO HEAVEN doesn't work for me. And then maybe the halfway to heaven would be better served as a SUPER.
Quoted Text The cavernous space which once held the souls of World War II airmen transiting to heaven now holds HUNDREDS OF SEMICORPOREAL SPIRITS. These are among the most despicable people on Earth and their translucent representations reek of evil. |
Almost none of this is visual and wouldn't translate to the screen. It seems better suited in a novel. How do we know they were WW2 airmen, how do we know they were transiting to heaven, how do we know they are among the most despicable people, and what does reeking of evil look like. Without a visual supporting this it makes no sense. I'm all for a good aside that supports the visual, but this doesn't work. The dialogue is heavy on exposition. A five page script that feels a lot longer because of how dense it is on the page. Not for me this one. |
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