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Dancing With The Damned - WT3 (currently 1097 views) |
Don |
Posted: July 19th, 2020, 11:16pm |
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AdministratorAdministrator So, what are you writing?
LocationVirginia Posts16449 Posts Per Day 1.94 |
Dancing With The Damned by Casper Sweet - Ice Tray, Exotic Dancer, Nightclub; Consent Warning: Graphic - Short, Horror |
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Revision History (1 edits) |
LC - July 20th, 2020, 4:02am | | |
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stevie |
Posted: July 20th, 2020, 3:35am |
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Of The Ancients
LocationDown Under Posts3441 Posts Per Day 0.61 |
Damn, that was...different. I was a bit disappointed as the warning hinted at really graphic stuff but it wasn't lol.
It started very well and had some good imagery, this mysterious Initiates club. But the writer lost some control perhaps due to time constraints, and it ended abruptly. |
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MarkRenshaw |
Posted: July 20th, 2020, 6:17am |
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January Project Group
LocationUK Posts2335 Posts Per Day 0.58 |
You can cut the first 3 pages of this and just get to the club and the show. That's where it gets interesting.
Unfortunately because of the long and unnecessary setup, you run out of pages and it ends abruptly. I also don't see the nature versus nurture aspect.
An exotic dance club for demons or is this hell for one soul at a time? I don't see why Lisa didn't want to do the icebreaker, there wasn't much to it and she personally didn't suffer.
Very interesting idea that just needs work.
-Mark |
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JEStaats |
Posted: July 20th, 2020, 12:23pm |
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Old Timer No sh*t, there I was....
LocationTucson, AZ Posts1736 Posts Per Day 0.61 |
That was unexpected. It fits all the requirements except for the theme, which I think is most important for the challenge. Usually I can manipulate the theme to fit what the writer was going for but I just don't see it in this entry at all.
Not sure why Lisa didn't want to do the act. At least she wasn't mauled by wolves!
Very interesting, writer. |
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FrankM |
Posted: July 20th, 2020, 2:42pm |
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January Project Group
LocationBetween Chair and Keyboard Posts1447 Posts Per Day 0.62 |
You accidentally spilled over to a second title page. Easy fix, just delete all the blank lines at the bottom. You can also turn off the automatic (CONT'D)s that First Draft likes to put in by default.
I'd have avoided Lisa and Lucy in the same story. Generally want to avoid similar-sounding names unless there's a story reason (it does happen to real-world siblings, but still a bad idea in fiction). I noticed that all of the other names seemed diabolical (Cambion, Jezebel, Lamia).
Not sure what happened at the end there. It will probably make a lot more sense if you rework it without the page limit, but for now I don't see how ice ties in with anything earlier, or the nature vs. nurture theme. Also, an icebreaker usually occurs first in a show. But then again this is Hell, so maybe things are intentionally inverted.
Very inventive, I just failed to see the theme. |
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mmmarnie |
Posted: July 20th, 2020, 2:58pm |
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January Project Group
Posts1085 Posts Per Day 0.22 |
I wasn't going to mention theme in any of my reviews unless it felt completely absent...which it does here. The hardest part of this week's challenge was the theme...and I don't even see a glimpse of it.
The story itself and the atmosphere you created...awesome. Loved it. The writing is very thick but still it was easy to read.
All the other variables were met and used well...but damn...you totally missed the theme.
Best of luck. |
| boop |
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AnthonyCawood |
Posted: July 20th, 2020, 3:58pm |
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January Project Group
LocationUK Posts4324 Posts Per Day 1.13 |
I'm assuming the blanks page is just a software glitch... Strip club in hell, decent setting though you seem to be trying to tease that to create a twist but it felt fairly clear from the start from the character names. The graphic warning is a little unnecessary, it's horror, it's a given... but it's not that graphic... feel free to amp it up Well written and kept me reading - but I didn't see the theme here at all. Decent effort |
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LC |
Posted: July 20th, 2020, 8:27pm |
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Administrator
LocationThe Great Southern Land Posts7643 Posts Per Day 1.34 |
I won't repeat anything already mentioned. That gets old fast. Elements were there. Theme - not sure where that was? Might have to re-read. Not obvious. It was colourful and crazy and busy and inventive. |
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Reef Dreamer |
Posted: July 21st, 2020, 4:44am |
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Old Timer Part time writer
LocationThe Island of Jersey Posts2612 Posts Per Day 0.56 |
I’m not going to look at an ice tray the same way again
Alas not my type of script, but the idea that there is a fake club providing food for monsters but using the drunk clientel has potential
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Yuvraj |
Posted: July 21st, 2020, 6:24am |
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Been Around
LocationWhy you wanna know? Posts795 Posts Per Day 0.50 |
This was outright weird for me. Also, it felt as if written in haste. But vivid imagination present here. A club for demons - damn!!
Good luck. |
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Revision History (1 edits) |
Yuvraj - July 21st, 2020, 8:42am | | |
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ajr |
Posted: July 21st, 2020, 6:45am |
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Old Timer
Posts1482 Posts Per Day 0.28 |
Not sure where to begin so forgive me if these comments are random...
You don't FADE OUT, yet you used 9 lines to describe the club and Cambion, and there are orphans throughout, so there was certainly opportunities to save space.
I must be the only one who didn't realize that this was a club in Hell. The first time I read it, I was going to mark down for nightclub, since a club where people congregate at night does always a "nightclub" make. This is a strip club. I guess... who knows?
It makes no sense on either read - the 2nd read knowing that they are in Hell - for Lisa to refuse to do the icebreaker, since nothing really happens to her. during it, yet the entire setup is her being angry over being chosen for it. The old man got picked for the icebreaker before? How is he in the crowd then? I guess because it's Hell. If so, the script has no consequences. It doesn't matter who is picked for the icebreaker or who gets torn apart by wolves or whether or not Lisa participates. It's Hell. It's carnage. So there is no plot and no drama. And I suppose the story is "about" Lisa. She wants to leave Hell but can't.
Not only zero theme but zero attempt at the theme. The theme has the term "vs." in it and Lisa or her upbringing is not compared or contrasted against anyone. I suppose you were going for the twist, to make us believe this was a club somewhere on Earth...
I give you points for making an "ice cube chance's in Hell" reference.
AJR |
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LC |
Posted: July 21st, 2020, 6:50am |
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Administrator
LocationThe Great Southern Land Posts7643 Posts Per Day 1.34 |
This was outright weird to me. Also, it felt as if written in haste. But vivid imagination present here. A club for demons - damn!!... |
They're all written in haste. |
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Yuvraj |
Posted: July 21st, 2020, 7:39am |
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Been Around
LocationWhy you wanna know? Posts795 Posts Per Day 0.50 |
They're all written in haste. |
Gotcha! |
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Spqr |
Posted: July 21st, 2020, 12:20pm |
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Posts483 Posts Per Day 0.09 |
It might have been interesting if it had any connection to the theme. As it is, it’s just an exercise in some minor goredom. |
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Arundel |
Posted: July 21st, 2020, 2:57pm |
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January Project Group
LocationLas Vegas, Nevada Posts265 Posts Per Day 0.14 |
This one was really enjoyable. Not sure what was so special about those ice cubes that make teeth and blood come out, and mangle the tongue. Dry ice maybe? Well, interesting concept anyhow. |
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Geezis |
Posted: July 21st, 2020, 3:26pm |
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January Project Group There's always a single malt waiting for you.
LocationGlasgow, Scotland Posts411 Posts Per Day 0.26 |
Hi,
Another one I'm struggling to connect to this week's theme. I like the concept but there are shades of From Dusk Till Dawn in it, so not entirely original.
Gory and sexy in places but as others have said an abrupt ending leaving some things unexplained.
Well done. |
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Reply: 15 - 16 |
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Warren |
Posted: July 21st, 2020, 11:04pm |
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Of The Ancients A man who has taught his mind to misbehave
LocationSydney, Australia Posts3897 Posts Per Day 1.35 |
How much were you kicking yourself when you saw the extra title page, no biggie, but pretty unsightly.
The name may be better served as a SUPER? And let us know what the office is in... STRIP CLUB - OFFICE A four line character intro feels like a waste in a 5 page script, I think you could have painted the same picture a lot more economically. This needs a few more edits. Couldn't help but think of From Dusk Till Dawn, not a bad thing. That last page is dense, way too dense. Your action needs to be broken up better, trying to keep it as a shot is a pretty safe bet. Or maybe you were just trying to cram it all in. Never a good enough reason for all caps in dialogue, it's a personal opinion but it does affect the read. So no hint of the theme in this at all. This one wasn't for me. |
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