Fallen Apples by Youlittlerotteryou - Compressed air can, Trucker, Woods - Short, Horror

Casual breakfast read, apply salt to taste.

Is this supposed to be horror as in scary sh1t or horror like Tales from the Crypt?

Okay, this was well-written and gave me a strong sense of place. I enjoyed the scene with Ben and Kyle in the back of the truck, thought the twist was a nice touch. As far as content goes, though, even as a big animal lover I think you did yourself service by making great use of the air compressor with the bullfrog. I'm thinking, "Oh, that's cool! I mean, it was a nice prelude to the “real show” to come.

I really liked Darlene's dialogue towards the end.  The title works well.

I'll admit, this line here -- "Your daddy never could tell you two apart. But I always could." Didn't get that line at first.  Not gonna nit-pick.  Overall, I thought this was pretty good. Good luck with your script.-ghostiegirl.

I like how Darlene's last line pulls the story together but have to say it seemed kinda convenient she just ended up there. Was she following him the whole time? And for a mom to kill her son like that...seemed pretty extreme. The kid was only 11. Maybe with his murderous dad not around she could have saved him.

Best of luck.

Compressed air can was really thrown in there, lol! Then again, how can you use that element?

The scene in the back of the truck and the discovery of the body was interesting. I think if you focus on that this would be a lot better. As it is, with the father and the mother stand-off and the mother just shooting like that, it doesn't quite work for me. I also didn't get the last line about the dad not telling the two apart.

-Mark

Well, the compressed air can element was very minimally used but it definitely packed a punch and was cleverly weaved in. You established character from the get-go. Plus, if you sprang it on us later that this kid was the evil twin it may have seemed hokey and clichéd.  Proves showing is more disturbing than telling. Stuff like this does happen in the real world.

I don't enjoy horror if it's just two-dimensional gore but this actually had some shocks and suspense.  Maybe up that suspense a bit more in a longer version.

Mom turning up at the crucial time did seem a bit contrived and definitely convenient but you got me with the element of surprise there and I'm guessing that's more down to the five page script limitation.

Nice easy read.
Theme was there.
Elements were there.

I liked this a lot.

It's a good idea to show the theme through compairing twins.
I noticed there's another one in the pile about twins - smart move for the theme.

It juked for me when you showed the lady. It just raised the questions as to why the Dad was doing that.

Kyle is unlikable, and you do want him to be but he's a kid. And the way you portray him, he's also one-dimensional. Then the mother kills him, just like that, with one bullet. That's not easy to buy for me.

But I think the main thing is when that kidnapped woman appears. I think there should be a convo between her and the boys where you show more depth to them. And that would bring up the marital problems and why it's easy for Darlene to kill her husband and the son.
Also, Darlene appears out of nowhere.

Well, we are given only five pages, I know. Maybe this idea is too big for just 5.

Compressed air can, Trucker, Woods - Short, Horror


Ok, so we have twins, one a sicko like his father, hence the air in the frog, the other like his mother

I like that angle

Good title as well

I think the elements were included adequate and the theme covered. The compressed air whilst a one off, served well to highlight the evil within one child.

This is sound but one of those that given a bit more time and pages would be clearer and perhaps flow more. At the moment we have to guess a Few things with the dad

Good work for the time.

There was a lot to like here but, dang it, the ending fell flat for me.

Shooting the husband? A big 10-4. The A-hole deserved it. Shooting her own kid? No, I don't think so. This is where the mother (right or wrong) would draw the line and spend a lifetime trying to nurture the sociopathic nature from her kid.

And where did Darlene come from at the end? Big logic issue there.

You nailed the theme and all requisites. Fix the ending and it's golden for the challenge.

Nice title!

Wade sings along to Bizet, really? Okay, I had to check to see if it was one of the criteria

Well written script, incorporates the criteria and is well paced.

Let down by the end though as it needs some excuse for how Darlene finds them in the middle of nowhere, as it is it's a logic leap/co-incidence too far.

And Bizet?

Good effort,

Where in the US is this?  Sorry to be a stickler for SUPERS but I like to know all the deets please.

I had to re-read this as I didn't click that the boys hid in the truck.  Written pretty well.

So why was Wade angry about a phone call?  And he doesn't seem surprised to see the boys have stowed away?

The compressed air horn was shoehorned( as are most variables in this tourney lol)  Perhaps you could have had Marion use it as a weapon at the end? Like she sprays Wade in the face with a can of WD40?

Anyway not bad.

There is a slight space between a character and the character's dialog. (p3)

Quoted Text He spots a tool-box, pulls out a rope, duct tape, a hunting knife, and an ax.

In a tool box. That's a BIG toolbox.


also, "Whoh"not "Whooah". Two different words with different meanings.

Quoted Text slams the end-call button on his cell phone.

Slams?  

Quoted Text A WOODED AREA

The WOODED AREA is an EXT location.


How much stuff is in the back cabin anyway? Doesn't seem like a lot of room back there for two young boys, a (bagged) body, boxes and things.


Darlene's last minute rescue seems sudden. Maybe she can shoot an abusive spouse who abducts and kills women...but one of her own sons? An 11 year old?  I mean, you'd really have establish the bad seed scenario.  

Not bad for a few days work, it isn't terrible. Maybe more time was needed to think things out, or maybe an extra page.

Typical farmhouse family eccentricity here. Easy to follow. Not sure why Darlene shoots Kyle? Killing Wade is understandable but Kyle. Sure he was following his father's footsteps and no mama's gonna be proud of that. But killing your kid seems extreme. But only if she's got her own motives. Then...

Anyways, good luck.

Hi,

Well I didn't expect that ending and it seemed a bit extreme for me, particularly with the mother killing her own son.
But as it goes I liked the clearly defined twins, good and evil and some good visuals.

Well done.

This was very entertaining. Good twist on the serial killer-kidnaps-an-innocent-victim scene. I think, however,  that  Wade and Kyle were too quick to throw Ben under the bus. They should at least have hesitated a moment before deciding to axe Ben.

A competently written horror that ticks all the boxes for me. Compressed air can would not have been easy to use but here its makes for quite a horrific prop.

The writing was also easy on the eyes.

Good job here.