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- I would lose these SERIES OF SHOTS. They don’t seem to add anything to the scene. I think it would have the same effect without them.
- I would also lose the split dialogue. It’s disorienting. You might try MRS JENKINS/MR JENKINS or MRS/MR JENKINS instead. This pops up later. Try to fix it.
- Jodi’s description is too detailed. It’s unnecessary to mention her hair is shoulder length or that she still has her puppy fat. These kinds of descriptions pop up later as well, namely when the Mac and Dave characters is introduced. Cut them down some.
- I don’t understand this scene with Kitty at all. Where did all this food come from? Who does it belong to? What is Kitty’s role in retrieving it? It seems to me Brice and Jodi could very well have gotten it for themselves. It doesn’t make sense.
- You can lose this scene with Bernard watching TV. There’s no information the news report gives that hasn’t already been given.
pg. 21 – “No doubt this is the Sneaky Snatcher.” Exactly. No need to mention it. Lines like this serve no purpose. I’d scan for more of them.
pg. 22 – Bernard says “I believe you, son.” Didn’t Bernard say earlier the Sneaky Snatcher was just a hoax? Of course, Bernard will believe his son but I think he’d want more than what Brice initially says. Have him ask questions. “What did it look like?” You don’t need much but I just don’t find it realistic that Bernard wouldn’t question his son, even just a little. If anything, Bernard wouldn’t want to believe his son, at first, for Jodi and Melinda’s sake, just as he mentioned earlier.
pg. 29 – “I accept your offer.”
- Kitty speaks Indonesian? This is just silly. It would make more sense for the Indonesians to understand English. I mean, they had to understand some in order to understand Mac and Dave’s orders and operate the computer software. Perhaps they could even speak a little. It’d be broken English, of course, but still. I think you’d be better off having Brice explain the plan and have the Indonesians understand the first time around.
pg. 41 – Again, I don’t think the SERIES OF SHOTS works well here. It’s not an issue of formatting to me so much as a misuse of the convention. It you have lots of separate events going on at the same time, it works well. Here, everything flows nicely. There’s no need for a SERIES OF SHOTS when several things occur all in the same place, for example, the truck. I don’t mind the use of it so much but I think you should be more economic in using it and, more importantly, know when it’s appropriate to use it.
- I understand now that Kitty has special powers. Sorry. Took me awhile to catch on. In any case, I think this should be mentioned when Kitty is first introduced or, at least, shortly there after.
- Why do Jodi and Brice decide to reveal themselves to Vanessa? They really have nothing to gain from doing so. Even if they were caught trying to avoid her, I don’t understand what they were doing in the lounge in the first place. I think you need to explain their actions somehow.
- Why does Vanessa choose a butter knife as her weapon of choice? I assume it’s meant to be comedic but it doesn’t make sense. Someone like Vanessa would probably want the sharpest knife in the kitchen. This isn’t a comedy so there’s no need for this kind of absurdity. Lose the butter knife.
pg. 69 – You’ve already described the lounge room after it was destroyed. No need to reiterate.
- Mom? Guardian angel? Which one is it? Jodi and Brice keep switching between the two. Pick one and stick with it.
pg. 89 – “You want me to beat you to death with a mop?” This line is unintentionally comical IMO. I’d rephrase it.
pg. 91 – “Um... dah! I am about to kill you.” This line is also unintentionally comical. It also sounds out of character. Vanessa’s character doesn’t seem to regard anything she does as wrong. I think rather than admitting to attempting to kill her husband, she’d try to make some sort of excuse or insult, no matter how ludicrous in the context of what she’s doing.
- How did Vanessa miss Bernard not landing in the parking lot? Certainly, she would want to see the impact. You know, to be sure he’s dead. I’d fix this. It doesn’t change much but it just rings false that Vanessa would simply assume Bernard was dead.
pg. 97 – Why does Angela say she has something urgent to tell her children only to say a moment later they’ve already figured it out. This exchange is rather awkwardly written and feels rushed. I’d go over it.
Anyway, regardless of the amount of comments I've laid on you, I thought this was an excellent read. Very much like a modern day fairy tail but with a very distinct style to it. Although the plot was completely different, I saw similarities in this to Perplexity Groove. Amongst them, unique characters who are a little quirky manage to find themselves in totally far out situations. Definitely an original piece of work with a wide array of styles and tones throughout. From mystical and fantastic with the guardian angel subplot to dark and sinister with Ulitza. The whole while, however, I felt it was very well rounded.
I have no additional suggestions or advice. This worked very well for me. All I'd say is see to the comments I've left then I think you'd be in excellent shape.
A butter knife! Butter knife! When I read that my eyes nearly popped out of my head from shock. Could I be so stupid to write something like that by mistake? I quickly went through my script to check and written down was in fact "bread" knife. Which by the way is the biggest bladed knife in a knife set.
But still the thought of trying to kill someone with a butter knife is bizzare and would be very messy and exert a lot of energy. It would probably take about 200 jabs just to kill a person and I'd bet only half of them would penetrate. The attacker would be exhausted after doing that many thrusts. And I guess the victim would only die eventualy after bleeding out every last drop of blood from their stab wounds- if they where lucky enough to have their main artery servered.
Not a nice way to die.
Thank you for reading and I will keep a look out for any future scripts you post here on SS.
My mistake about the butter knife. I don't know how I could've interpretted that wrong. I mean, "bread knife" was right there. I guess I was thinking about the butter knife in Perplexity Groove. I don't know why. I guess bread and butter are just commonly associated with each other. That's the only way I think I could have made the connection.
In any case, you didn't have a "butter knife." So again, my bad. Hope the rest of my review was helpful, at least.
It was fast and nice to read. Like your previous script this also was very visual. The spite of my bad English I “sow” everything very well in my head.
So I think DESCRIPTION was good. I was particularly fascinated by the first 5 pages! Something strange and dangerous was in a suburb and all the neighbors were chasing it! It was a great opening, better than E.T. (for me) because it was not set in the forest (the place where you can expect anything) but it was set in the suburb!
FORMAT also was good. They say that you can’t use the P.O.V.’s in spec scripts but (I don’t use them) I don’t think it’s a problem if you still do them.
CHARACTERS: Vanessa is a good antagonist. She’s described well (probably better than any other). Her goal is clear and matches with her character. All another antagonists (Mac, Dave, Old lady…) also seem Ok to me.
The characters of the siblings also seemed to me quite good. Their goal was to take care of their father. You clearly stated it, but how? I don’t see how they wanted to do it.
The children speak and behave… inconstantly. Sometimes they can say something very intelligent and then they can do something very stupid, so…I can’t say much more about them.
I had a problem with Bernard. It seems like he knows Vanessa very well, it seems like he knows she does not like his children and still… I think mgj had good suggestion about him and Vanessa. I know you wanted to create a drama atmosphere by showing Bernard so vulnerable and week. I did not like the fact that he participates in Vanessa’s scam. (I understand that he does not do it voluntarily but still…)
I would like better if you could make him unaware of Vanessa’s plans. I think, like this, he could get more sympathy toward him from the audience.
Example: Vanessa puts something in his glass and makes him to asleep. Then she does what she did, she chloroforms Brice and his sister (by using the force!) and when Bernard wakes up Vanessa says him that his children were kidnapped by Sneaky Snatcher.
Like this, the siblings will have more clear reason to escape from the sweatshop in order to reveal Vanessa’s cruelty and to show to their father who Vanessa is in reality. (I’m sorry again for my poor English but I hope you get the idea what I’m talking about)
STORY: I never heard about Sneaky Snatcher before and I find it a really creepy story for children. This story combined with the story about an ugly stepmother is a very good and very marketable idea.
So I liked it, but I think, like some another readers, that killing people in children’s movie is a very hard thing to be accepted by audience. I agree that there is a lot of violence in the movies, but the children movies are another, different thing, you can break all their bones but better if you don’t kill them.
DIALOG: Most of the dialog was fine. Still there where the places where I thought it could be less informative. Example:
BRICE Welfare’s never gonna let an epileptic paraplegic raise two teenagers dad…
We see later that Bernard takes the peels, we see also that he has an epileptic attack. So I think you could make it shorter, something like that:
BRICE In your state?! Welfare’s never goona let you to raise us…
GRAMMAR: The spite my poor English I remarked a few typos (which I did not in your first screenplay) I think it is an early draft and after revision you will correct them.
STRUCTUR: You know my opinion about the structure. Sneaky Snatchers structure was faire, I can’t complain about it.
You managed well to make good successions of the actions. My favorite was the opening where the neighbors were trying to catch Sneaky Snatcher. Another episode’s (The sibling escaping from sweatshop, escaping from Sneaky Snatcher, from old lady) also were good but the opening was GREATER.
I did not like the end, I preferred to see Brice and his sister with their father (like another readers suggested)
After reading both your scripts I have impression that you are a good screenwriter who has good stile of telling the stories and who always tries to write something original, something that stands alone from another insipid screenplays.
I wish you good luck and I will read all your future scripts on this board.
Tonka, just started reading your story and here are some early thoughts...
Loved how you started your story with some night action, pulled me to the story right through..
I like how you used a one-word scene heading. I do the same (Backyard, Back of house)
By the way when you use those make sure you tap the Scene Heading in Final Draft so the program knows it's a scene heading and your formatting will remain on course... As I go along I'm starting to notice few spacing problems especially in your scene headings, they don't seem to be spaced out correctly... Which writing software do you use?
Page 5, Mr. Jenkins burst into tears too quickly before taking the time to search for his son in a different room maybe?
Nice descriptions over all.
Cat named Slotty?? Haha
(Series of shots) well organized.
" Bernard paints on a sheet of canvas stretched on a frame " I like this.
" Brice stiffens mid-bite on his drumstick " And this.
Nice depiction of characters, their looks are spot-on with their behaviors... Jodi and her cat ear head band, her brother and the six earrings in one ear. He acts and talks stupid, she acts like an innocent little girl... their dialogue match their looks... Good.
I laughed when the Vanessa character was introduced and when she says to Bernard that she has a plan to get them rich and then says "you're a dead weight cripple" I kind of imagined the careless way she's saying it and thought it was funny, then says " that pension is as useless as you are"... so up till this point in the story she's my favorite!
Page 18: Vanessa… if she knew how careless you (where=were) with them.
Vanessa is very well written, still cracking me up! “ You’re useless cripple! Go wheel yourself into the corner and stay there” haha Very good.. Bad Vanessa!! But I love her.. Hey I wonder if this is my type of woman actually. I don’t know!!
“ Brice leaps out of the square of illumination” I like this
Hey maybe Vanessa needs to work harder on the kids to sniff the chloroform… They shouldn’t be convinced that quickly..
Anyways, I'm really enjoying this one so far... Like I said, you really did a good job on Vanessa. I can just visualize this woman as I'm reading, she's weird and creepy but she also does that with a kind of a hidden sense of humor that I find very appealing and keeps me wanting just to hear her talk...good job so far I'm having fun.
I'm stopping at this point, need to go for a jog ( I time it as the same time this cute neighbor of mine goes for her jog, but I stop after 3 minutes and she flies, but I need to keep trying)
I'll continue reading later in the evening after Super Bowl.
Page 27 when the teens are carried away by Mac and Dave across the front lawn, shouldn�t they be covered so the neighbors don't see them?
Page 36 as the kids hatch out an escape plan. Didn't understand why. They agreed to go with Vanessa's plan didn't they? So why try to escape? Especially that not enough time had elapsed yet after their disappearance and they didn't suffer at all. Maybe they should decide to escape after few days because of the very hard work and bad treatment from Mac and Dave?
Page 41, I don't think you need a Series of shots here, just make it a normal action scene, I think it reads and flows better, which takes me back to page 37. The kids need to include the Truck Driver during the planning of the escape, he should be their main concern, and then comes the fact that Brice can't drive a truck, but isn't it a bit strange that a teenager can't drive a truck?
OK that truck thing is not working for me. The Indonesian man grabbing a handful of the driver and throwing him out, somehow I can't picture this. Boat people spend very long days in the sea with barely any food and water, and they have it even worse at a sweatshop, so for him to "grab" a truck driver and throws him out need to be reworked somehow. That whole plan and the reason for it need to reworked, I don't see a good reason for the kids to escape. And that whole business with Kitty the Rabbit is also confusing. If I had a rabbit or anything with these amazing magical powers, I'd ask him to tell me what the lottery numbers would be for the next draw and I'd be a millionaire, don't you think.........I take that back now after I finished the story, you explained it!... and it works...
Page 48 when the kids go back home and see the news truck, shouldn't there be a crowd of people watching? I don't know. That's usually the case.
Page 91..Bernard: I want a divorce.. Vanessa: Duh! I'm about to kill you...and then she says: Fine! We're divorced.....Nice!
Finished.
I like your story and I can see it easily made into a children's adventure. You're a good storyteller by the way and you knew how to create an atmosphere very suitable for your story.
This story can be easily made with low budget and will make a very entertaining kids adventure, which is your target audience I'm assuming.
I write a lot about children by the way and that's what made me like your story, two of my screenplays are about children. Check out my " Mirrors of The Nile " screenplay one day when you have time, I think this story is right up your alley, Tonka.
All in all, great work. I enjoyed this story alot and you wrote it so well. You're very good with dialogue and all your characters sounded they way they should.
I'm about 20 pages into 'Sneaky Snatcher' and I just wanna drop the first part of my review.
!!SPOILERS!!
I find it quite entertaining and fast-paced. It's nicely set-up and mysterious. Definitely grabbed my attention from the get go. Nice work on the opening scene, though it is somewhat predictable, you added a little something extra with the tapping on the window. That was pretty creepy and I can't wait for you to tell me more about the Sneaky Snatcher.
I don't really have any suggestions regarding the story so far (though I did find the rabbit sequence a tad weird), my only concerns relate to structure and format.
In the opening sequence there's a lot of MAN# and WIFE#. You should probably just give them names. I found it a bit confusing reading this part because it was difficult to remember who and where MAN#3 was. Also, as a reader, I didn't really relate to them.
Capitalizing the dialog and putting an ! at the end of it, isn't that sort of a double effect - it means the same thing. I wouldn't cap the dialog - just use the ! at the end (which you do later on in the sequence).
Dual dialog is tricky. I've also tried doing it and it doesn't look good. The part where Mr. and Mrs. Jenkins scream 'Noooooo', I would probably just do it like this:
MR. JENKINS/MRS. JENKINS Nooooo!
The other part where you use dual dialog, the characters are not saying the same thing. I would do that part like this:
MR. JENKINS Chad! Open the door!
MRS. JENKINS (overlapping) Chad! Chad!
That's what I got so far. Will read on now.
Continue the good work.
Cheers Rob
Down in the hole / Jesus tries to crack a smile / Beneath another shovel load
interesting so far.... at page 5. im pretty tired and i dont know how much more im going to read tonight.
Actually your description are too wordy. Need to simplify more.
Remove telling in description. Things that can't be filmed. lines like this "No doubt this is the Sneaky Snatcher" shouldnt be in description line
I'm really not buying the reason you give for them staying with Vanessa. These children are above the age ten and can wipe themselves. So this whole welfare would allow them to be under his care is kinda doesnt work. I meanhe has money to provde since he gets a disability pension. Also another reason this doesnt work for me is you have created a fantasy world, where a sneaky snatcher kidnapschildren by tappin on the window. A rabbit that manifests food. Yet they face a non fantasy welfare threat with just them leaving with their REAL father. Your excuse doesnt fit the realm you have created. Just my opinion.
avoid the use of "suddenly" in your action, as it actually has the opposite effect. Write action so it comes across as sudden.
You are over doing the point of views. You can write it so it come across as their POV
pg 32.. you need brief description b4 any dialog when you enter a scene
why doesnt kitty just look for a way out? If this rabbit can stack DvD cases, why cant get just create a way for them to escape?
I sure hope you explain this magical rabbit and why bernard married such a mean woman...looking forward to it in the next 60 pages
******************************************************** Mangled dead bodies, Vanessa kills the neighbors? man, you have one twisted about movie here. The Theme of your story shifts way to much. How did vanessa even know which neighbor had the kids?
"Is kitty doing this?" I think this line is repetitive
you switch back and forth from yulitza to witch
all this violence in the hospital is going unoticed...hard to chew
You have way to much casual talking when "death" is on the line
You name specific people, which their name is never given in dialog. example indonesion family, yulitza
How does a spirit go from a living rabbit to a fake doll "sneaky snatcher" and what makes Jodi realize this?
What?! Mum just comes to say look after your dad? I didnt have to save you I just did for fun.... this doesnt make sense. She could told them this at the very beginning with jodi talked to the rabbit.
Why is the dad ratting out on himself? It could takes months even years b4 they would find out, then they would take them away if that is the case.
Yultiza never being caught.... No explaination of this powers, by the witch or powers from a ghost.
There is a story here and very imaginative, but is in need of a REWRITE. Plot/structure/character motives/theme
The last 20 pages felt like a cop out to me none the less. You do a big build up of the mom with a terrible let down. "Okay, you wont see me anytime soon" ???
I'm not saying its terrible bad, nor am I saying terribly great. Just needs a overhaul done, so every action taken has a purpose and things come full circle. I know thats not what you would like to here, but it's just MY honest opinion. Take it for what it is worth if you agree with it.
I dont know what to expect with this, Tonka. Im not an expert writer ( as you have had the unpleasant experience of finding out) but I will read pretty much anything and it is part of our deal. Im also looking forward to reading something outside my normal horror zone which I keep myself trapped in.
Well, I've had a few vodkas and I dont know what to expect. Im thinking maybe "Legend" or that David Bowie film with a baby in a maze. "Labryinth". I can wish - They were great.
This is from some notes I took down as I read Sneaky Snatcher.
Series of shots is cool, works for me. Gets me interested already in what the hell they are looking for. Already Im interested in knowing what this Sneaky Snatcher thing is! Great opening. Dark figure with a goats head - great! Somewhat Donny Darko but looks great in my minds eye. That would scare the hell out of me , let alone an 8 year old kid.
Chads gone. Good start and build up. I dont know why MR and MRS HARRIS dont or cant assist JODI home if they are that so afraid of her well being. Its all good up to this little pickle.
Writing is great, good dialouge, hasty pace and things are moving quickly. There is always something happening or people are talking about something that is pivitol. Great description of VANNESSA, sour face and all. Truly Wicked Witch of the West material.
Up to page 17, the way you have written so far is swift, easy to read, take in and digest. Very easy to see.
It seems nice how you are making this "old school". A 13 year old with a sketch book for example. Im not being wrong I dont think when I say I dont see that happening a lot in reality nowadays but its nice you have written such a character that would/could/should be in an idyllic world.
VANESSA again, just seemingly easy to write dialouge but its not. You have created an atmosphere and characters we actually want to like or dislike already.
P22 - Rage - Rag. Simple SP.
P23 - "You're not chloroforming my children!" - I dont know. Maybe it is informative from a kids angle - pretty important that they might wanna ask "Whats chloroform?". Sounds a bit daft. But it also works considering who you are aiming this at. I guess the only alternative would be "drugging". Nitpick.
Same page, you have The pause for a beat. Im no expert but I think this is wrong?
Im on page 26 and things are going well. Good, quick entertaining so far. Dialouge is especially good.
Thank you so much for returning the favor Scoob. it means a lot. I've been a bit jaded recently because I have done script exchange with some people (no names) and they never returned the favor after I read their script and that left me a little bummed. Thank you for honouring your word.
Thank you so much for returning the favor Scoob. it means a lot. I've been a bit jaded recently because I have done script exchange with some people (no names) and they never returned the favor after I read their script and that left me a little bummed. Thank you for honouring your word.
yea I have noticed this too. I have seen u offer so many exchanges and agrees yet no one ever posted on urs.
Ah, you make me sound like a sucker JD. Bur yeah, you're right it isn't fair. I try to do the right thing, but some people don't want to play fair.
And the reason I don't respond to all reviews is because I'm to busy writing a review for the next person. At the moment I am in the middle of reading 3 scripts in a row. and one of those scripts the person has not yet returned the favor.
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