Quoted from tonkatough Ah, you make me sound like a sucker JD. Bur yeah, you're right it isn't fair. I try to do the right thing, but some people don't want to play fair. And the reason I don't respond to all reviews is because I'm to busy writing a review for the next person.  At the moment I am in the middle of reading 3 scripts in a row. and one of those scripts the person has not yet returned the favor. I've got to go read another script.

Nah I wasnt trying to say that at all. You are very active member and dedicated to improving your work and others.


I just hope you actually take the feedback you have gotten and make your script better. Three pages of replies and yet no new draft?

Sure so far you have gotten enough responses to form a new version. I would hold if I were you and get your new draft done, so you can start fresh review exchanges on your
new draft and learn what worked and didnt from there and make a 3rd draft if needed, better.

Im just saying, if u looked at my history on my thread, when I got enuff feedback, I made  changes and posted new version and so on. Its helps, trust me!!

I'll be there for exchange when u need it, for new draft.

I'm glad you brought this up JD cause i have wanted to discuss it with you guys but just never had the oppurtunity.

I have a big, big problem with writing drafts. I hate draft writing. So no I will never drastically rewrite one of my scripts.  The reason being is because I set out to write the script that I want to write. I spend months agonizing over every little detail and try to create a solid outline before I even start writing the script.

  Script writing is a very personally thing for me and I just want to write my own stories.  I am so attached to my scripts that I find it impossible to drastically change it.  Why should I?

Having a person say they considered my script a joy to read is reward enough. it is the whole reason I write and create stories. It's that simple.  

But most importantly, yes I value everyone criticism and use it to guide me with the current script I am writing plus all future scripts I write.  trust me, ever since using this site and coping criticism, my whole approach to script writing has changed- for the better I hope.

  

  

I dont think you need to really change that much about this script, I think it works fine and you tell a good fun story. Here is the rest of my review - apologies in the delay in getting it up here but Im writing what I wrote in notes the other night.

From Page 26:
I do feel sympathetic towards BERNARD - not just because of his disabilities but the way you have him written.
Im pretty worried what MAC and DAVE are going to do with these kids...

I really enjoyed the whole TV coverage, the reporting about the Sneaky Snatcher. Just nicely written, simple.

JODI gives her brother an idiot look - maybe rolls her eyes at him might sound a little better.

Think this is the first script I have read on here, or at least in a long time, that makes use of the double dialouge. Nothing major of course but nice to see it actually put to use.

The whole child labour thing is working well enough - not quite the fairy tale as I had expected, which is good.

JODI - Dogs dont eat people. I just like this whole little conversation between her, her brother and the hoods. Funny, simple and just nice dialouge to read.

When KITTY starts talking - kind of threw me off a little but it sent me back into what this is - which is a fantasy story. Felt like we'd been in reality a little long, and was about time something like this might happen.

The escape was good, again really well crafted and described if not a little long. Still, no real gripe about it.

The SERIES of SHOTS thingy - same as MONTAGE? Or are these two different? I guess I might be a little out of my depth asking about this but Im curious about the use of them. I guess a montage is being able to show shots of varoius things in different places and times whereas a SERIES of SHOTS would have to be happening all at once in one place? Pretty silly question I guess but just wanted to be sure about this as it would help myself out aswell.

There is nothing wrong with Hungry Hippos!

I like the way things are flowing, it's all now and not later. Helps keep things interesting and I like that there are no major gaps in time.

CONTINUE-

CONTINUED:

55-57 - Reminds me of POLTERGEIST for some reason.

58- Mary and the boom operator are dead. That's one thing - having their bodies twisted sounds amazingly cool and I guess as long as it's not too grisly would be great. Baring in mind that this is a family adventure film, I would hope that this one scene would not make the rest of the script seem unsuitable. I dont think it is worth removing as it sounds great though, maybe just tinkering around with it a little?

P65- Mac left leg is broken: Mac's left leg is broken.

Not sure about the SMACK DOWN use. I know what it means but perhaps better to be described for someone who is not too hot on wrestling terms lol.

The ginger bread house mock up is cool - really nice visually.

Jumping castle is the same as bouncy castle. I know what you mean though. I dont think there is a set word for this anyhow.

69 - The bodies are all bent out of shape - again, I guess it all depends on HOW they are bent out of shape. It could be non-gruesome, like just rolled into a polo shape, some contortonist kind of thing.

You do put in some great moments, more or less the dialouge between JODI and BRICE. I think that was a nice way of putting death in a box with their discussion on page 71-72. Really well written.

73 - I hate jumping/ bumping /bouncy castles. I always used to think they would deflate when I was a kid, or that some one would burst the thing. Great scene.
Yulitza and the whole thing where JODI and BRICE are as make up dolls sounds like it would look great. A nice touch and a real trip on things.
The Sneaky Snatcher, being kind of unresponsive, makes it more bizarre and gives a creepy vibe. It's great.

Nice dialouge again. "Out of lego?"

75 - Your descriptions continue to be great. This has been a really good fun and interesting story. I am not, unlike many, am not too sure on how Scarlett O'Hara dresses. Maybe describe this instead of making a reference to her.

So I have the last part to read and I will do so momentarily.

Just so sum it up really, I enjoyed this and you have some great ideas that you write down very well. Some really nice descriptions and at times, great dialouge between the characters - which also seem to be written very well.

One thing that I did notice is the tone of the script. It seems very cold in places, and some dialouge comes across maybe over mean. I know that sounds silly, as the bad guys should be bad, but in keeping with what this is, I think some could be altered.
Just minor gripes, really. When Vanessa is trying to kill Bernard and even when Brice is trying to suffocate the witch at the end - these moments might be seen as too violent for what I think you are aiming at. Personally, it dosnt bother me but might be worth a thought. Again, it is nothing major just small modifications.

Overall, excellent work. Some really cool visuals and a good story.

Thanks for the read Scoob. I appreciate it and pleased you enjoyed the story.

To answer your question regarding Series of shots, I'll try to explain the best I can. A couple of writers here have criticised me for using series of shots incorrectly, others have said it is very effective, so hey (shrugs) I don't know.

Flicking through my trusty Elements of style for screenwriting book, it says series of shots is: A number of short action sequences with out dialouge that condense a storyline with the main character.  So yeah, what ever that means.

I find the Series Of Shots comes in handy when you have a lot of fast paced action that covers several locations.  Instead of interupting the action with a slug line, better to just let it all flow more smoothly with a series of shots.

for example when the kids escape the sweat shop in a truck, a lot of action takes place inside and out of the truck. Rather then have to put in a slug line every time the EXT change to INT, I decided to just use series of shot.

A montage is a string of shots of events that take place over days, weeks or months to show that a lot of time has passed. Best example I can think of is movies like the Karate kid when show hero in training, learning karate for big fight. Show the progression of that training exercise in over a week. I hope that makes sesne.

Thanks for the read, I will look out for any future scripts you post here and will read another of your scripts. Maybe we can do another script review exchange again sometime in the future.    

Thanks for clearing that up for me Tonka, it seems a pretty useful tool to use.

Absolutly, in future I would like to do another exchange with you, I enjoyed it.
All the best with any future rewrites and upcoming projects you have, I'll be sure to check them out.

1) Watch your INSERTS and P.O.V.  After an insert, make sure to write BACK TO SCENE.  You did this, for the most part, but missed a few places here and there.

P.O.V. should be avoided in a spec script.  You should just describe what someone's looking at in your action.  No need to use point of view.  Only sometimes it's absolutely necessary, but don't need to.  I do this all the time too, but am trying not to.  

2) Also, watch punctuation in your slugs.  For example...

INT.  HOUSE.  BEDROOM - DAY would be incorrect.  

should be...

INT.  HOUSE - BEDROOM - DAY

3) When announcing your characters for the first time, you put BRICE,  aged fourteen.  Should be BRICE (14) or BRICE, fourteen.  


THE STORY...

To be honest, I had a real hard time getting into this.  I'm probably not the best critic on children's adventures or what kids like to watch nowadays, because I never watch these movies.  Still, I had several issues with the "Sneaky Snatcher" concept from the first page on.  

From page one, we start the story as several parents run around their neighborhood spouting dialogue like...


"The sneaky snatcher's here!  I saw him!"  

"There he goes!"

People are running around like crazy, chasing this crazy thing with a goat's head and we're not even on page 3.  By that point, I decided this story was ridiculous.  There's no build up to this scene, just action that comes out of nowhere.  This makes it hard for an audience to care about seeing what happens next.  You showed us the Sneaky Snatcher early on.  Why keep watching?      

I figured out early on this was a children's adventure, but I just couldn't take anything seriously.  

As in many kids movies, we have the smart pet, like KITTY that is sent on wild adventures (getting food, etc.).  You've also got a bunch of rug-rat kids and an evil stepmother who wants them out of the house.  

The kids get separated from their father, must escape to get back to him and foil their evil stepmother's sinister plan.  It's a familiar story seen in other films of the genre (can't think of any at the moment, of course), but you get my drift.    

The story seemed to have switched focus early on from the SNEAKY SNATCHER to Vanessa staging this fake kidnapping/media circus.  Even for a children's film, this was still way too much to swallow.  

What's the draw to this story?  Why do we care?  This is most important.  

In 3 NINJAS, the kids were tough, kicking butt, saving the day.  Even though the storyline was weak, kids still went to see the film and was a moderate success because of the concept.  

SPY KIDS is also a good example of "kids outsmarting the grown-ups" type of scenario.  I saw some of this in your escape from the sweat shop scene, but wasn't enough of this escape stuff to keep me interested.  

What is the real draw of SNEAKY SNATCHER?  Is it scary?  Funny? Why do we like these kids?    

Really fast paced action and description was good.  You definitely have a wild imagination and a wide vocabulary.  

Dialogue was pretty weak overall, but made me grin in a few places, especially with Vanessa.  I laughed out loud in a few parts.        

I thought, overall, the whole thing was a bit too syrupy sweet and cute with the whole "my father has epilepsy" thing and trying to get back to him and foil Vanessa's plan.  Then, all of the sudden, the Sneaky Snatcher pops up and we go in a completely different direction.        

What you have here are two different stories in one script.  The Vanessa kidnapping angle and the actual Sneaky Snatcher.  Neither of which had too much to do with each other.  I would suggest choosing one story over the other, or bringing in more of a "town legend" back story about the Sneaky Snatcher.  Add some mystery.  Is it real or a hoax?  (One eyed Willie from The Goonies)  

Remember, if you're choosing to do a children's adventure, think about what made other films in the genre successful.  I'm not suggesting ripping off ideas or copying other films, but just think about what made them appealing and use this in your own writing.    

I hope to hear more from you in the future.  Maybe we can exchange re-writes with one another.

Take care,
Eric D.  


      

Quoted from ericdickson Also, watch punctuation in your slugs.  For example... INT.  HOUSE.  BEDROOM - DAY would be incorrect.   should be... INT.  HOUSE - BEDROOM - DAY

I thought the first slugline was fine, only I'd drop the DAY as it's not necassary.  Although I would use this;

INT. HOUSE / BEDROOM

Dunno if this is right?

Quoted from alffy I thought the first slugline was fine, only I'd drop the DAY as it's not necassary.  Although I would use this; INT. HOUSE / BEDROOM Dunno if this is right?

I used to write INT.  HOUSE/BEDROOM  type sluglines, but I discovered that most writers don't do this.  They use dashes in between.  I'm not sure if it's considered incorrect, but I quite using this method.

Thanks for the read Dickson.

Hmm . . . You write a script and some people click with it and some people don't.

So what should I do? Should I try to mould and reshape my idea to please everyone, make it a nice cookie cut version like every other movie in the genre and run the risk of having mediocre story that everyone will think is bland.

Or just write a story my way with my own voice and let the reader decide if it is their cup or tea or not?

I dunno. I might have to sit here and scratch my head a bit more.  

Quoted from tonkatough So what should I do? Should I try to mould and reshape my idea to please everyone, make it a nice cookie cut version like every other movie in the genre and run the risk of having mediocre story that everyone will think is bland.

If you want to sell a script. You write a story for an audience. Not for yourself.

Save the ones where its your story for when you can direct or provide your own funding. At that point it can be up to viewer if this is what they like or dislike

Hey Glenn,

Thought I might come to your defense here. I've read over some of these other comments and I imagine you might find some of them a little disconcerting but I don't think you have anything to worry about. I thought your story was very original but not so out there that it's not sellable. You definitely do your own thing here but at the same time, this follows the basic fairy tale template. You've got the benevolent father, the evil stepmother, the witch, etc. There's plenty of stuff here that people can recognize and relate to. Your kids are very sympathetic characters as well. I mean, they've lost their mother and are being oppressed by an outside parent figure when all they want to do is be like normal kids. What's not to care about? While the context of your story is new and modern, the format is classic and timeless. Everyone's read fairytales before. In short, you definitely have an audience for this one.

I also must say while it's important to choose the audience you're writing for if you want your script to sell, you should write first and foremost for yourself. Otherwise, what's the point? Why not just turn off your computer? Obviously you can't write something like Eraserhead and think you're going to have a smash hit but just because you enjoy writing something fresh and interesting doesn't mean other people won't enjoy it as well. If you don't have passion for what you're writing, it's going to be crap, no matter how commercial an idea it is.

My two cents.

Thanks for sharing a thought from both sides of the argument.

JD, you and Dickson I would slot into the professional writing mold and you both treat writing like a buisness. So I understand your perspective. That's cool

Do you want to know how many producers I've sent a logline of my script to? none.

I have no real desire to write for the sole purpose of pleasing a producer. Just not interested.

Script writing is just a hobby. An outlet for me to flex my creativity. I love daydreaming up a story and trying my best to get it down on paper.  Having my script read by you guys is reward enough. I thank everyone who reads.

There is a huge push here on this site to sell script to producer and I'm just not interested in that. So sometimes with some comments it makes my scripts feel inadequate or not worth while because they are just done for the fun and love of it. you know what I mean, like if I don't take my script writing serious then it is not worth taking my scripts serious or reading them.

and yes I do abosrb everyones critisim and use it to shape and improve my writing technique. The criticism is vital for my writing growth.

Is there room on this web site for a hobby writer like myself or is it just for serious writers who take a professional stance on writing and want to hone their craft to get produced?

  

I really understand where you are coming from with your thoughts and feeling toward your writings and what u want to get out of it.

I hope maybe one day Don will add thread for those who want to make their script sellable vs writing for shear joy like you do. And I'm sure there are others here who feel the way you do and others who want it to be their profession rather hobby.