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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Action/Adventure Scripts  ›  Hallow Knights Moderators: bert
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  Author    Hallow Knights  (currently 8611 views)
Kamran Nikhad
Posted: October 15th, 2007, 7:09pm Report to Moderator
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Okay, just finished.  Not bad, not bad at all.  Here are my remaining notes, and again, I can not stress this enough, try and fix some grammatical and spelling errors, anywho, here are my remaining notes:


Pg.49 – He ten dumps the rest.  Just grammatical, fix ten to then.
And Red:  Almost though you took the day off.  Thought is what I think you meant.

Pg.53 – You REALLY need to reread your scripts more often, because a lot of these grammatical errors are in dialogue too.  Like Cooke’s, Who’d you get in here?  How’d you get in here is what I’m sure you meant, but these mistakes are best caught through peer editting and rereading.  Most of my grammatical errors are found when I reread my scripts.  So you hsould try doing that if you don’t already.

Pg.56 – Jamie:  Me.  Needs a question mark, not to just be a statement on Jamie’s part.

Pg.57 – Widower crashes through the front window to his own apartment?  Can’t he just walk in?  That seems a bit overly dramatic especially when it’s his own apartment.  Unless he lost his key when he took off his hoodie.

Pg.63 – Okay, at this point, I can say you got the true point of the story taking a new turn, nice work.  I can also say that you REALLY need to reread your screenplays bud.  Was that too much for you.  Should have a question mark.  Anywho, I won’t list anymore grammatical or spelling errors, but you gotta find those bud and fix ‘em.

Pg.67 – VERY good explanation on Cooke’s bit, you really get why  he does what he does, and feel for the guy, another reason why I’m liking this so much, ordinary people brought together, and then you are able to relate to them, put yourself in their shoes.  An ordinary kid who finds out what gifts he’s got, and how he intends to use it for the good of the people.  A veteran fighter who is teaching this young blood to be the hero like him.  A misunderstood man and who has lost himself in his hatred and vengeance for the world.  So basically we get the back stories of what Jamie, Citadel, Cooke, Haley, Widower and Valentine are all about.  And I think it all fits in when we see what Cooke’s about.  Sorry for ranting, just wanted to congratulate you on that part, and nice work on this part.

Pg.81 – After that I knew my old had to be stopped.  Old man, be sure you don’t forget words either, especially in dialogue scenes.

Pg.98 – Holy hell, didn’t really see that coming, and was an immense twist in this screenplay.

Pg. 119 – Watson: you can all kiss my ass.  Hahaha, that’s a good line, but if he was just packing an 9.mm, then Watson’s neck wouldn’t explode, blood shoots out and what not, but whatever, that’s a good scene.

Widowers end was an interesting one, his vendetta fueled his rage, and even still he had moral limits.  As I said, to me, he’s just very misunderstood more then he was an antagonist, but he worked well.  His end was somewhat predictable, but it ended well.

Your ending made sense, Jamie taking this superhero bit to the next level, full time.  It was certainly interesting, and I had a chuckle with the jealous line, haha.  

So, nice work bud.  I enjoyed reading your screenplay and like how much work you’ve put into this piece.  Again, reread your screenplay and fix all grammatical and spelling errors, and fix whatever dialogue doesn’t fit well, or is mis pronounced.  But overall, I enjoyed this screenplay.  Keep up the fine work Tim.  


Nolan The Security Guard - Short/Comedy 1st Draft, 12 pages.pdf
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Souter Fell
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Quoted from Kamran Nikhad
try and fix some grammatical and spelling errors, anywho, here are my remaining notes:

No excuse for the typos and what not. Too much late might proof reading I guess. I apologize.


Quoted from Kamran Nikhad
Pg.57 – Widower crashes through the front window to his own apartment?

It actually says front door but I see how that could seem to extreme. I'll see if I can find a better word.


Quoted from Kamran Nikhad
Pg.67 – VERY good explanation on Cooke’s bit, you really get why  he does what he does, and feel for the guy, another reason why I’m liking this so much, ordinary people brought together, and then you are able to relate to them, put yourself in their shoes.  An ordinary kid who finds out what gifts he’s got, and how he intends to use it for the good of the people.  A veteran fighter who is teaching this young blood to be the hero like him.  A misunderstood man and who has lost himself in his hatred and vengeance for the world.  So basically we get the back stories of what Jamie, Citadel, Cooke, Haley, Widower and Valentine are all about.  And I think it all fits in when we see what Cooke’s about.  Sorry for ranting, just wanted to congratulate you on that part, and nice work on this part.

Rant all you want.


Quoted from Kamran Nikhad
Pg.98 – Holy hell, didn’t really see that coming, and was an immense twist in this screenplay.

As long as you bought it, that maybe the best compliment yet.


Quoted from Kamran Nikhad
Widowers end was an interesting one, his vendetta fueled his rage, and even still he had moral limits.  As I said, to me, he’s just very misunderstood more then he was an antagonist, but he worked well.  His end was somewhat predictable, but it ended well.

It's kinda sad that I knew there was no way I could let him live. He felt guilty for kidnapping Keefe and even risked his life to save her. He doesn't really want to fight Jamie. He just wants to do what he figures he must to set the wrong things right. And in one respect, the Citadel and him are very similiar. Both men are fighting to change a past that they know they ultimatly cannot. Is Widower's need for vengeance any more wrong than Citadel's desperate attempt at penance?


Quoted from Kamran Nikhad
Your ending made sense, Jamie taking this superhero bit to the next level, full time.  It was certainly interesting, and I had a chuckle with the jealous line, haha.  

Glad you thought the ending worked. I was getting worried it would need a complete overhaul.

Again, sorry I put you through so many typos and whatnots.
I really do appreciate it and I'm glad you enjoyed it.

Tim


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Sandra Elstree.
Posted: October 15th, 2007, 10:25pm Report to Moderator
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What if the Hokey Pokey, IS what it's all about?

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Hello Tim, you've done such a wonderful job with this, I've only noted some minor typos and concerns.

Hallow Knights is about more than a superhero in training, it's about how some people aren't necessarily born with strength or talent, they develop it, and those that have it or gain it, need to pick up the slack for those less fortunate.

As Citadel ages, his trainee will pick up where he leaves off.  Both revenge and forgiveness are important to the theme.

Here are the small typos etc. and comments on this grand work.

pg 3 sentence doesn't need to start with But.

back pack vomits on floor *change

12 typo grrl

16 principals office * typo possessive

I like what he reveals when he rolls up the wall... page 24

pg 30 were you [feel] cold or clammy typo

31 so kid, why aren't you dead [need a question mark]

31 Jamie is [to] nervous [should be too][to] speak

35 His knuckles are bloody, but not with his.  I think you meant their knuckles are bloody, but not his.

49 almost [though] typo [thought]

53 [who'd] you get here [how'd']??

I really like the diffusion of responsibility line by Citadel.

56 Me. with a ? Me?

58 Ms. Genovese was [atacker] attacked

Am I correct that on page 61 we have a time jump at the point of the text message?  
If we do, you might make it a little more clear.

I would label a dream sequence.  Pg 69

73 gas [masked donned] gas masks

I really like page 79:

79 references the fact that Citadel isn't born with super powers, but he's made them.  This reference I think, if you didn't intend it is a veiled part within the theme of this...

Not all people are born into good situations.  Not all heroes are born with natural power or talent.  We see the recurring bums and drunks who are really down on their luck and this story (as Citadel says) speaks about the diffusion of responsibility.

I really like the part where Haley is looking for the right milk and such a little thing is causing such a big problem at the moment.

Both Haley and Thurman have something in common: they are retiring their old positions.

86 reluctantly [ha] answers the phone

88 Maxim [with] featuring

Jamie's superhero costume isn't described because that's when we hear Thurman's bad news, but maybe it should be.

Vagrant competes with a Santa and loses.  This is brilliant.  A little goes a long way here.  The poor people lose to commercialism.

106 [rest] her head [rests]

115 [Watson's] checks his laptop [Watson]

Hallow Knights is about a superhero who hands over the torch yes, but more importantly it's about those things we should aspire to: dedication to effort, assuming responsibility, and always keeping in mind forgiveness.

This is a superhero script written by a superhero.

Blessings to you Tim,

Sandra



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Souter Fell
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Sandra

Flattery will get you everywhere. Thanks for the list. What possessed you, I don't know but thanks.

Tim


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Limey
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Quoted from Limey
For Jamie, there’s got to be some negative side-effects from having excess adrenaline (yeah, I’m English) sloshing round inside you. I suspect you have something about this in mind for use later - the low blood glucose levels are mentioned but I don’t think the danger to Jamie is explicit.


Quoted from Souter Fell
I'm with you. What if I can figure out a scene where Jamie over exerting himself almost has dire consequences, say maybe in his first battle with the Widower?


Absolutely. And you could then bring it back at the climax - Jamie has to over exert himself again, knowing the consequences, to save Citadel, thereby demonstrating his dedication to his "new life"



Quoted from Limey
Also, there doesn’t seem to be much discouraging Jamie from joining Citadel


Quoted from Souter Fell

Really? If anything, I would think it would be almost crazy to go "sure I'll stop whatever life I had to be with this old curmudgeon."


I know (logically) that Jamie would be almost crazy to do it but I don't feel it from the script (that's not what I said originally but it's what I should have). I guess it comes down to what you choose to show as the writer. And no one else has mentioned it so it's probably just me  


Cheers

Adam

PS - how do you quote within a quote? I couldn't work it out (obviously!)


Bored of shorts? Try a full length feature;

Red Balloons and Rollercoasters (Comedy / Romantic Dramedy)

Read it...

http://www.simplyscripts.com/scripts/REDBALLOONSANDROLLERCOASTERS.pdf

And rip it to shreds in a review...

http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-comedy/m-1202674615/
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Kamran Nikhad
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If you want to quote within a quote, just add quotation tabs around your entire quotation, that way the quote box takes up whatever you want quoted.  


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Soap Hands
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Hey,

Wow, looks like I'm a little late to the party, but no matter, there's no substitute for sheepwalker brand criticism(for better or worse)

Before I start I'll let you know that I'm pretty into the Comic book movie genre (I can't die happy after spider-man 3). While I'm not a comic book aficionado, only having read a handful of them (although I do read manga on a weekly basis if you want to count that), I religiously watched most of the cartoons that were made from them so I consider myself fairly well versed in things superhero, meaning that I'm in your target audience and I have a decent idea of what you're trying to do. So in that context, here it goes.

Overall I really liked the script.

On the whole I thought the story was pretty good, with a couple of issues that I'll get to latter. I thought it was pretty well written, it seems to me like you have a knack for fitting in a lot of nice details into concise descriptions that are pleasantly phrased. The structure of the story was, for the most part, pretty good (though as others have pointed out you left some story threads hanging), which lends its self to nice pacing.

The dialog: The dialog, I thought, really had a comic book feel. I assume thats what you're going for so good job. I think the comic book feel comes with its pros and cons meaning that it's a comic book script so there's unity in that sense, its also usually fun and accessible, but on the other hand it lends its self to a certain tone which at times I feel kind of conflicted with some of the more serious stuff (mainly stuff with the widower, Ex. "I am the widower" rant) But on the whole I thought you balanced it well and it worked. Also, you had a couple really clever lines and some of the one liners really cracked me up.

Tone: Most of it I thought had a pretty unified tone, however, like I was getting at before, some of it seemed a little out of place with the rest of it. Most of it had a spider-man stan lee kind of feel (most of the stuff with Jamie) and then other stuff would have a frank miller sin city feel ( like when the widower empties a clip into the gun dealers head, that was pretty brutal) Well anyway, just thought I'd mention it, I found it a little distracting but it wasn't a big deal. If you did it to try and communicate some point that I missed, mission accomplished.

Characters:
I liked most of your characters. I found Jamie rally likable/identifiable (I wish I had superpowers). Keefe I thought was adorable (I wish I had a girl friend like that). Citadel reminded me of Batman (my second favorite superhero, next to spider-man) so he was pretty cool although freshness is another issue that I'll get to latter.  Widower was a badass. The only one I didn't really like was Red Lion. I know he was mainly fodder but still, I would have liked it if he was a little more impressive.  

story:

Like others have mentioned the haley/valentine/citadel thing never really reach its conclusion. I thought it was forgivable, so I hope you don't cut it like other people have suggested. I say this mainly because I really enjoyed that Haley/Thurman interactions/romance. I thought it brought out a interesting part of Citadels character and also hi-lights the sacrifice he has made and what it means to choose that life. You might be able to do it while cutting just Valentine but I still think that loses some of it. You might be able to think of a really good way to do it though. Also, like I was saying this story line just gets dropped at the end. I don't think you necessarily have to resolve it but I would have liked some attempt at closure.

I agree with what one of the poster said about having a consequence for Jamie using his powers and exerting himself, and then being forced to reconfront that in the climax. It felt like he didn't have a rough enough time/ conflict in that arena. I liked your idea of putting it with his first fight with the widower.

Which brings me to the widower. Like I said I thought this guy was pretty badass and a good villain. I thought his story was pretty good. That said, did he have a power? As far as I can remember he was just scared and had a bandanna. Why wouldn't Jamie be able to mess this guy up? Didn't he basically punch down a wall?  I was mostly able to suspend my belief but at times the thought crossed my mind. Maybe his desire for revenge gave him super human endurance. He also reminded me a little of the punisher which is ehhh...

Citadel's I'm dying thing really bothered me. Especially the part where he goes " I have leukemia". I think I get what you're trying to get at but I would have liked it done in a more subtle way. I think I would have preferred it if he was just getting old rather then him having leukemia.

When Citadel and Jamie have their falling out I felt like Citadel was a little out of character, I know he has a reason to be upset but he came across as a more level headed character then that, not a huge issue but I thought I'd mention it.

Cooke's reaction to the news that Citadel had killed his dad seems a little odd to me. He’s been working with him for so long, and it seemed like they had gotten to be pretty good friends... I know it’s his dad or whatever but still they’ve been friend for a long time and Cooke and Thurman are both adults... It seemed like they got ridiculously angry at each other to have not talked to each other for two weeks or whatever it was. I guess it might just be how it’s played though, if I saw it acted out well I might buy it.

Everything else I was pretty good with, honorable mention for the Jamie/Keefe relationship. I thought that you handled that really well, better then most comic book movies. I'm looking at you spider-man 3!

Innovation:

While a lot of it was good and well executed, you put your own little twist on it, I felt like I'd seen a lot of this stuff before. The changing of the guard thing with citadel seemed reminiscent of the Batman Beyond storyline, like I said the widower reminded me of the punisher and another poster pointed out his similarity to V of V for Vendetta, tons of people have had super strength/durability as a power (although your explanation is a little newer yet equally ridiculous), Citadel himself is similar to batman mixed with iron man with a little bit of Dead Pool minus regeneration.

I think this also carries over to most of your fights, it seemed for the most part like pretty generic fist fights with the occasional batman like acrobatics. I would have liked to see some thing a little different. Same complaint about Citadel's bike. I felt like it was trying to be the batmobile (or batbike, was that what it was called?), only the bat mobile can try and be the bat mobile.

I know I'm not one to talk, and I want to emphasize that I'm not condemning you for this, I think this is still well done and enjoyable, I think you do put your own twist on it, I'm just saying that a lot of it felt familiar and I think thats the difference between good and great, revolutionary.  

Overall:

Overall I really liked it, it read fast and was well written, laughed pretty hard at some of the dialog and you had some great lines. I liked your characters, especially Jamie, Keefe, Citadel, and the Widower. The story was good, although I had some minor problems with it. If this was made into a movie I would happily buy a ticket to see it in theater and I would enjoy myself.

nice work and good job,

sheepwalker


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Souter Fell
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Hey Sheepwwlker,

Thanks for the crit. Was lloking forward to counting your two cents.


Quoted from Soap Hands
Wow, looks like I'm a little late to the party, but no matter, there's no substitute for sheepwalker brand criticism(for better or worse)

Better late than never.


Quoted from Soap Hands
The dialog: The dialog, I thought, really had a comic book feel. I assume thats what you're going for so good job. I think the comic book feel comes with its pros and cons

I tried to, while taking a (slightly) more real world vibe, I wanted to keep it feeling right for the genre. Quick, snappy, hopefully a little less expostiony than normal. Some cheese is needed 'cause the genre's like a good taco, and ya need some cheese for that.


Quoted from Soap Hands
Tone: ...Most of it had a spider-man stan lee kind of feel (most of the stuff with Jamie) and then other stuff would have a frank miller sin city feel ( like when the widower empties a clip into the gun dealers head, that was pretty brutal)

Bingo. I was definetly going for that. A lighter Widower wouldn't have worked just as a tough-as-nails Jamie wouldn't either. But if the two sides of the spectrum can gradually converge...


Quoted from Soap Hands
Characters:...Keefe I thought was adorable (I wish I had a girl friend like that)... The only one I didn't really like was Red Lion. I know he was mainly fodder but still, I would have liked it if he was a little more impressive.  

Who wouldn't? She was first based on a girl I adored years ago. As for Red Lion, he was definetly an experiment on how big I could make a character based on the movie not seen. Guess he needs some tweaking.


Quoted from Soap Hands
story:...Like others have mentioned the haley/valentine/citadel thing never really reach its conclusion. I thought it was forgivable, so I hope you don't cut it like other people have suggested.

It will probably come down to a put up or shut up thing. Must... fight.. urge.. for them to just magically show up and save the day at the end. Then Jamie can say a witty line, Citadel can fume out "Jamie!" chase him, and freeze frame while a live studio audience claps over the credits.


Quoted from Soap Hands
Which brings me to the widower. Like I said I thought this guy was pretty badass and a good villain. I thought his story was pretty good. That said, did he have a power?

I thought I was gonna get away with this one. I chalk it up to passion and experience. He was a cop and is very focus on his objective. Almost numbingly. Luckily Jamie's power is fleeting at the end, and he very carefully engages Citadel but yeah, he does come off stronger than he should be but hey... he's the villian.


Quoted from Soap Hands
Citadel's I'm dying thing really bothered me. Especially the part where he goes " I have leukemia". I think I get what you're trying to get at but I would have liked it  done in a more subtle way.

It's weird cause that was one of the things that got me interested in this. Not just that he wanted to retire, that he has to retire. I know it works as the ticking clock device. I'll have to think about it.


Quoted from Soap Hands
Cooke's reaction to the news that Citadel had killed his dad seems a little odd to me. He’s been working with him for so long, and it seemed like they had gotten to be pretty good friends

I don't know. Seemed like a valid response to me. Not only have I altered my life thinking you avenged my father's death but thought you were my friend, and then I find out that everything in my life happened cause you killed him. Kinda thought "what if I found out my best friend killed my dad?"


Quoted from Soap Hands
Everything else I was pretty good with, honorable mention for the Jamie/Keefe relationship. I thought that you handled that really well, better then most comic book movies. I'm looking at you spider-man 3!

God that was a horrible movie. And why did it turn into the Mask for ten minutes?


Quoted from Soap Hands
Innovation:
While a lot of it was good and well executed, you put your own little twist on it, I felt like I'd seen a lot of this stuff before.

Yeah, some of it is retread. I was hoping to just claim a little corner for myself.


Quoted from Soap Hands
Overall:Overall I really liked it, it read fast and was well written, laughed pretty hard at some of the dialog and you had some great lines...If this was made into a movie I would happily buy a ticket to see it in theater and I would enjoy myself.

And that's what I wanted. This is my entry into the big-tent genre. At least now when we come out of a Transformers or Spiderman 3 or what have you and people say "I could have written a better movie" now I can say "I've acrually tried (and hopefully succeded"

Thanks Sheepy


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Soap Hands
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Quoted from souter fell

Quoted from sheepwalker
Cooke's reaction to the news that Citadel had killed his dad seems a little odd to me. He’s been working with him for so long, and it seemed like they had gotten to be pretty good friend.

I don't know. Seemed like a valid response to me. Not only have I altered my life thinking you avenged my father's death but thought you were my friend, and then I find out that everything in my life happened cause you killed him. Kinda thought "what if I found out my best friend killed my dad?"


Yeah I agree that the reaction is in the right ball park I just think you hit an off the wall double instead of a home run. Like I said before, if I saw it preformed well the actors might be able to sell it to me but while I was reading it I thought, "Wow, it seems like he's reacting pretty strongly to this to have ostracized a close friend in need for two weeks, after all the history they have".

My issue with this and Citadel's "I have leukemia." thing is that I would have like it if they were done in a more subtle way. I think you could still have the clock ticking/I have to retire device just something a little more nuanced then "I have leukemia" would have been nice.

But then again, it is comic book movie so you get a more slack in that department. This is what I would want but ultimately it's your call.


Quoted from shelton
By the way, isn't there a comic book hero called the Citadel out there?


I don't think so but I think some base or lair was called citadel. I want to say magnetto's asteroid base, or that guy from superman that had a fortress planet, I think his name was darkside? or maybe Doomsday?

I'll also post my notes for you to look at, I'm sure some of it is repeats from other people but still:

Pg 4,  valentine, you instead of your

Pg 10, nice description for Jamie’s intro

Pg. 12  an out rather then and out

Pg 15. Dirk is on the football team and in gym? maybe it was only in my school but you were in a sport or you were in gym not both

Pg. 25, “he pulls a service issue”, cap. He

Pg. 26 Hooded dude is pretty hardcore, reminds me a little of the Punisher

Pg 28, “Ah mis dios!” = lol

Pg. 35, “he fails to the ground” should be falls I guess

pg 39, “Tough push a wheel chair bound” pushes

Pg. 47, “Int. River” I think it should be exterior

Pg. 48, citadels bike is alright, however I don’t think it’s as cool as the bat mobile, so maybe you could spruce it up some, or maybe nothing can be as cool as the bat mobile because it’s the fucking bat mobile.

Pg 49, “he ten” should be he then

Pg 49, “all most though you took the day off” thought

Pg 56, reminds me of batman beyond, I think the tone might be a problem, don’t know if a crowd not into comic books is going to but it that easily.

Pg. 59, When Pat is intro’ed its not in CAPS

Pg 60, “he grabs the phone” He grabs

Pg 80, “I knew my old had to be stoped” I knew my old man?

Pg 82, “might not wan to unpack” want

Pg. 85, “Gets on line behind him” gets in line

Pg. 89, Rolled my eyes at the “I’m dying.” thing

Pg. 92, “You’re a bad man.” Lol

Pg. 94, I so far found this fight a little unimaginative

Pg. 98, don’t really buy Citadel being so mad at Jamie for that, couldn’t have Jamie screwed up more, like some innocent bystanders get hurt or killed in the fight.

Pg. 98, revelation that Cit killed Doc’s dad seemed a little forced, I think if you could transition to that subject better it would help

Pg 98, Cooke’s reaction to the news seems a little odd to me, he’s been working with him for so long. I know it’s his dad or whatever but still they’ve been friend for a long time and Cooke seems like a pretty level headed guy, I guess it might just be how it’s played though.

Pg. 101, I thought Haley knew it was Citadel, did you make it clear that while in costume he has a different voice, or did I miss it.

Pg 106, “You one of the only people me with respect” odd wording, treat me?

Pg. 119, “Widower is almost struggles to stay in there” struggling?

Pg 122, “The slide”, they slide?

sheepwalker  

p.s. The name sheepy is cute but obviously not befitting a being of my extreme masculinity. In the future you may refer to me as either Commandant Sheepwalker or The Grand High Lancer  
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Souter Fell
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Doctor Sheepington,

Wow, looks like my fine tooth comb was being operated by two spaceballs that when asked replied "we ain't found sh!t."

The Honorable Souter, presiding.


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Shelton
Posted: October 18th, 2007, 4:27pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Soap Hands


I don't think so but I think some base or lair was called citadel. I want to say magnetto's asteroid base, or that guy from superman that had a fortress planet, I think his name was darkside? or maybe Doomsday?


Maybe I'm wrong.  If nobody can remember it, then maybe it doesn't exist.




Quoted from Soap Hands
p.s. The name sheepy is cute but obviously not befitting a being of my extreme masculinity. In the future you may refer to me as either Commandant Sheepwalker or The Grand High Lancer  


How bout Ewe Boll?



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"I think I did pretty well, considering I started out with nothing but a bunch of blank paper." - Steve Martin
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relentless1
Posted: October 18th, 2007, 9:47pm Report to Moderator
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Tim,

Overall. The character dialogue reads easy. The flow of what they say is how people would talk, for the most part. So you seem to know your characters, which is cool, because you're not just throwing words out there just to have them say some thing. But overall there are way too many characters that add nothing to the furthering of the story. Let me say it another way, you have insignificant characters with NAMES. That is very confusing.

Ok narratives. I only say "Ok" because some of them are REALLY good, then it seems like other times you just got tired and didn't put much into it.  Some need work.

With all of the location changes and character names we don't need to know (Morrison, the other doctor etc) it seems like the story is all over the place, for me anyway.

The wording, especially in the warehouse fight scene between Citadel and "henchmen" makes it very campy. Its like you go between making this a serious story, which I can see, then turn around with off the wall wording and it makes the story seem cheap.

Predictable lines between the bad guys and the good guys. Predictable actions also. Pretty good dialogue between Jamie and Keefe. To be honest they are the only characters that made me want to continue reading. That type of dynamic also needs to take place between your villians and the heros. They're conversations all seem very hollow.

Page 1
Should be - approaches clapping proudly

Page 2
"The figure shoots Tiki in the back of the neck with the help of a silencer". It written like the silencer and the unseen figure are separately helping eachother out. Maybe tie this to the paragraph above, "As he puffs, the glowing amber illuminates a FIGURE behind him lifting a silencer equipped pistol".  Then the next line would be, "The figure shoots Tiki in the back of the neck. As Tiki collapses, the Figure catches him and lays him down". Just a suggestion.

Figure dialogue:
"The dart in your neck has paralyzed you. Its effects are temporary. Mine, however, are quite permanent"

It seems like he should be refering to what his effects are that would be permanent.

Page 4
When Haley snuffs her smoke in Valentines drink. Why does he stand there smiling, thinking himself victorious?

Int. Hallow City Fifth Precint
Mr. Reilly is fitted with a wire. Mrs. Haley...? Should that be Mrs. Reilly?

Page 5

The whole part about Heather just appearing doesn't make sense. We go from the father being fitted with a wire, the mother crying, the commisioner is crying, then no one freaks out when, POOF, Heather appears. Everyone just seems too casual about it.

The whole station can't help but smile. Its like the whole station just expected Heather to be there.

Also, Citadel has gotten Heather back, why is he worried about the drop?

Page 6

The characters now seem like stupid criminals, which you don't want. My simple question would be, who wouldn't check to see that your hostage is still there before a money exchange? Now I'm thinking, your hero will have NO problem out smarting these idiots if they screw something up that simple. I would also switch Rocco's name. That name is just synonymous with stupidity. I instantly think, big, dumb, incapable guy.
If you have a "hero" character that can take a round in the face and still survive, then you need an opposition character that's just as strong, if not stronger and smarter. Or else, who is a challenge for the hero?

There are now two thugs guarding the elevator where the girl was. How don't they know that the other guard is missing? He was there earlier.

The narrative describing Citidel is a tad much.

Page 7

Citadel is in the elevator fighting, then Silac comes out of nowhere. I have no idea that either Citadel is out of the elevator or somehow Silac got into the elevator with his Hummer.

What is "bracing for impact, his body HUMS?

Using the terms "hero" and "vigilante" is getting me confused. I can see you wanted Citadel to be a good guy, but he's outside the law. I would really try and define which he is, a real "hero" who works with the police and the commisioner or a "vigilante" who's outside the law, but not communicating with the law openly and helping them out directly. See the mixed signals?

Page 9

The narrative after Jamie says, "Nine fifteen? Dammit!" Is too cluttered, and TOO much of a run on.

Page 11

Don't think its necessary to narrate Ms. Cooper going back to sit at her desk and doing her crossword. The door is already closed so we don't need see this anyway. The door's closed.

Page 13

Ext. Hallow City Cemetery - Then you mention in the narrative that we're in the cemetery.

Page 15

The coach seems a little TOO excited, after having what I can only assume, is seeing Jamie play one time and yet he's already dreaming state?

I don't understand coaches line at the end of the page.

Page 16

Jamie sits, arms crossed and eyes STUNK?

It doesn't make sense to me how or why Jamie got suspended. It's not like the principal has Jamies school file in front of him reviewing a violent history of Jamie in which to help base a suspension on.

Page 20

The Doctor wouldn't be taking the patients temp or blood pressure, a nurse would have already done this. Unless maybe he's a small town doc, that still makes house calls.

Page 21

Cooke stares at the blood sample amazed. How come? It would make for sense that he stare at the bent syringe, unless you describe something unique about the blood.

Page 25

The flashing images. Is Sully supposed to be in the high glass room? Or firing into it?

Page 27

Is Jamie overlooking the desolate highway or is he (2nd narrative) looking down the road? One seems like he's above the road, then he's on it, looking down it.

Page 28

"The truck, seventy MPH, keeps coming", my question would be, how do we know its 70 on the nose? Second, why would these people be barelling that fast in the pouring rain?

The narrative of the truck crashing around Jamie shoud be tightened up. "bending at the king pin" could probably be removed.

"The Caddie from before..." I would change that to Cadillac. Your characters can speak in slang but your narratives should be written for anyone to fully understand the "gist" of what you're trying to say.

Revision History (1 edits)
relentless1  -  October 18th, 2007, 10:25pm
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relentless1
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Page 29

"He tries to locate himself". In that context it sounds like he's literally trying to find himself, not mentally get his bearings. Maybe "He tries to orient himself" or "He tries to make sense of the unfamiliar surroundings".

Citadels last dialogue - "Were you feel cold or ....".  Should it be feeling?


Page 30

How is Citadel behind Jamie getting the gun, loading a round and Jamie unaware? I understand Jamie is nervous but it seems like he just went from being a very outgoing kid who stood in front a truck. to completely unafraid to move becuase of this seemingly friendly (but strange) guy.

Page 31

Who is Citadel talking to when he say's "This is the Kid?".

"Then on his desk is a BLACK CELLPHONE we've seen before". We, the reader has seen this before, but Jamie hasn't. Shouldn't he react to this unfamiliar cell?

When Haley has her moment reminicsing about the framed picture, where does Valentine all of the sudden come from? Was he sitting in her office?

Page 32

Second to last narrative - "coach futiley flirts MOS." I know what MOS means in the military and so do you, but what is this? Plus why do we even need to see this exchange between Cooper and Coach?

Page 33

Second narrative - "she thrusts her palm into his NOISE"

Page 34

Second narrative doesn't work, the flow is weird.

Dirks dialogue at the bottom of the page. He says, "I may lose my scholarship", then below that he says "That was my life". He just went from possibly losing the scholarship to now he know's he did.

Page 35.

Second narrative - "his knuckles are bloody, but not with his". That sentence just hangs. Maybe, "Jamie stands in a circle of moaning bodies... his knuckles drip with blood, but its not his."

INT. Apt - It seems like the dog inside but is the Hooded Man inside or outside of the apt? Is he dropping the mail?

Why do we need to know the dogs name?

Page 36

What is the "give it" sign?

Page 38

"TOUGHS push a wheelchair". I know what your trying to say but it seems like you're introducing another character.

Page 40

Red Lions dialogue doesn't sound convincing after having Silic shot.

There's no point in knowing how Keefe parks.

You're introducing characters with names, who don't even matter this far into the script. I'm getting way confused by all the names.

Page 41

Red reaches for his pistol. Is he shooting it from underneath the desk? It doesn't seem like he brought into the open.

Page 42

The monologue that the Hooded Man delivers is too over the top. Not realistic at all.

First narrative - How much C4? That whole room would be gone. Red wouldn't have to worry about climbing out of the window.

Who's the Widower? Another name for the Hooded Man? Too many names floating around. Right now I'm drowning in characters. Its hard to follow who's who and doing what.

I'm lost now because this Widower guy is taking over as the main character and I don't know who's who. Who's the main character? Him or Citadel? And if some how these two end up being the same, then that doesn't work. Because, as a reader I shouldn't be guessing this.

Please don't take this as I'm slamming you, I'm not. I just think maybe "trimming" some here and streamlining there, would make a smoother read and a tighter story. Also pulling together some of the action. Meaning being a little more descriptive.You do have some great lines between the characters and some funny, memorable scenes, most between Jamie and Keefe. But your main character Citadel, should have defining words also.

Sorry if I'm a little nit picky, but after 11 years in the Corps, well you know how we are about detail. I'll try and finish the rest before Sat.

Moses
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The boy who could fly
Posted: October 20th, 2007, 12:58pm Report to Moderator
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Hey Timothy, just finished your script, and for your first feature length script I thought you did a really good job.  I think it has a nice dark, moody atmosphere to it.  The opening was pretty cool with the kidnapping plot, I thought it was a neat way to introduce your hero.  

I think Rocco should be a little more threatening on the phone with Mr. Riley, the line "no getting smart" didn't feel right, I think if he said something like "I'll gut your girl like a fish" it would make him a little more menacing and threatening.  On page 4 you have Valentine say " You tell him, you hero" I think you meant " you tell him, YOUR hero".

I like the introduction of Jamie, he seems like your average teenager with parents who don't quite pay attention to him "shhhhh deal or no deal is on"  hahaha, good line.  

on page 12 you write "KEEFE, 16, a spunky little riot grrl" "Girl".  I think the football scene was an interesting way to set up Jamie with his powers.

I liked the relationship between Jamie and Keefe, they had a nice rhythm between them and it felt real.

Page 49 you write                                    RED LION
                                  Almost though you took the day off

I think you meant "Almost THOUGHT you took the day off"

The widower is an interesting villain, not so much evil as misguided which I think makes the story more complicated, in a good way I mean, he is not someone you can hate, in fact you can kind of feel for him, kinda like Ed Harris in the Rock, not so much bad as just frustrated with they way his life has gone.

Page 72 you write "even since Red Lion was killed" I think you meant " EVER since...."


I think over all this was a pretty good super hero type of script, I don't know if this is the start of a series but I see some promise here.  The page count didn't bother me, most super hero films are near two and a half hours so I don't think that is a big deal at all.  

All in all this is a pretty tight script, you got an interesting hero, a complex villain which is the most important thing in a super hero type of story.  I think it could be a little darker like the last batman film, it's almost there it just needs a little more of a push.  All in all I think you did a good job here, especially for a first script


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Souter Fell
Posted: October 20th, 2007, 11:08pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from the boy...
I think Rocco should be a little more threatening on the phone with Mr. Riley, the line "no getting smart" didn't feel right, I think if he said something like "I'll gut your girl like a fish"
i always thought that. I wanted himm to seem second fiddle bjut still menacning. I'll see what I can do.


Quoted from the boy...
I like the introduction of Jamie, he seems like your average teenager with parents who don't quite pay attention to him "shhhhh deal or no deal is on"  hahaha, good line.  

at least everyone agrees they like Jamie.


Quoted from the boy...
on page 12 you write "KEEFE, 16, a spunky little riot grrl"

has no one ever heard of a riot grrl?


Quoted from the boy...}I liked the relationship between Jamie and Keefe, they had a nice rhythm between them and it felt real.[/quote

Cool. i wanted it slow and natural (in the time constraints) like a real friend to more-than otherwise.

[quote=the boy...]The widower is an interesting villain

As long as he was somewhat new. Not a overly @sswhole, in it for the money villain. Basically I wanted him to seem more personnal, therefor more dangerous than others.


Quoted from the boy...
I think over all this was a pretty good super hero type of script, I don't know if this is the start of a series but I see some promise here.

I wanna revisit this. That's why i left so many loose ends. I'm glad you liked it and that's for the read.

And real quick to everyone who has read. Just so you know, I value all your crits. Don't think that just 'cause some of the problems haven't been addressed doesn't mean I'm totally dismissing them. The script is hosted by SS which would make it difficult to keep on changing it. But they will all be noted and considered in the next draft. Thanks.



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Souter Fell  -  October 21st, 2007, 1:28pm
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