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Let me first say that I’m impressed. This is one of the most solid features I read on this site.
Fast paced with some nice twists here and there. Good writing style. Witty dialogue. Action. Humour. Good scene efficiency. And some more cool stuff I’ll detail further down.
Got some suggestions as well, since I think that some aspects could be improved.
GOAL
I think that your protagonist (I assume it’s Jamie) needs to have something relevant to do early in the script. He seems a bit out of the loop during most part of the second act.
After the first act ends and he discovers his superpowers, Jamie is left with nothing important to do, story wise. He teams up with Keefe (great character that condenses the sidekick and the love interest) and they have this theory that the Citadel and the doc are the same person. So they set out to prove or disprove this theory.
This is indeed a goal, but I think you need another one. First, the audience already knows that the citadel and the doc are not the same person since they had a conversation in an earlier scene. Audience’s superior knowledge can do wonders in some cases but in others can really slow down the excitement and momentum; it isn’t much fun to wait the hero to catch up to what you already know.
And there isn’t anything at stake here. What happens if Jamie fails? What happens if he can’t get into the Citadel’s secret place? Well, he’ll be disappointed for sure, but it’s not a life or death thing. And it should be. There are bigger things happening while Jamie looks for the Citadel’s hideout and I think that somehow he should be part of them.
It’s in page 107 where Keefe is taken by the widower and now is up to Jamie to rescue his girl and his mentor. If he fails, they could die. That’s the kind of goal that I’m talking about. It has the necessary stakes. And there’s a strong opponent here (the widower). But this angle is introduced nearly at the end of the script.
I really believe that your script would work much better if Jamie had a life or death goal during the second act with a strong antagonist to standing in his way. It’s cool when he kicks the bully’s ass the first time. But by the time Jamie is about to face the bully again, we already know that he’s going to kick his ass. This dramatic angle loses impact upon repetition. He needs to face a bigger challenge right away.
After Jamie’s powers are established you have to give him a goal that would require full use of them to achieve it. And a strong antagonist to stand in his way. The school’s bully is not a match. Spiderman kicks some ordinary thug’s ass for a while but it isn’t long before he has to face the green goblin and his advanced weapons.
One important aspect about stakes: Jamie kisses an eighteen wheeler at full speed and survives with hardly a scratch. That scene would look awesome on screen, I really can see why you wrote it. But think of the dramatic ramifications. If Jamie can’t get killed… how could you design action scenes to put him in danger? You need to do this. The audience knows that the hero doesn’t die, but at some point they should afraid that this could happen, it’s something pretty common in action scripts.
I’d suggest re-thinking Jamie’s powers. Don’t make him superman, or if you do, think of a kryptonite for him. He needs to be in serious danger at some point. I’m confident that your script could be much more exciting if you manage to turn up the heat for your protagonist a bit. The hero needs to have his ass kicked. Think of the spiderman/green goblin showdown; remember that tattered mask and that defeated look on Parker? Remember that dismantled Robocop. Or Agent Smith beating the crap out of Neo.
The overall quality of the script suggests that you’re perfectly capable of coming up with a scenes to make the audience wonder “How the heck will Jamie get out of this one?”
One last thought about goal/stakes. Since Jamie sets out to save his friend the Citadel when he founds out he’s in danger, I’m not sure if it’s the best dramatic choice to give the Citadel a terminal disease. I mean, he’s going to die anyways. It’s understandable that Jamie still wants to save him, but I wonder if the stakes could be higher by giving the Citadel a chance for a normal life after retirement. The better his life, the more damage the widower can inflict. And the stakes could be higher that way.
THEME
This script’s got a message. And it’s an interesting one since explores the implications of what the Citadel calls “diffusion of responsibility”.
You’ve got to do something yourself if you want to make a difference: great choice of theme for a superhero story.
I feel like you only scratched the surface tough. You could dig so much deeper.
The theme surfaces when the Citadel tells Jamie about how people want things to be done but they nobody wants to be the one to do it (p.55). A great angle. I wish you had it more in mind to craft your story.
You see, your message is served to the audience in a silver plate. The mentor (Citadel) tells the message to his disciple (Jamie). And the disciple accepts it from the start; from the scene with the teacher I gather that Jamie shares the Citadel’s point of view about diffusion of responsibility.
The message is introduced a little bit late and the hero gets it right away without much struggle or conflict. I think you need to dramatize this angle a bit more. Use conflict to bring theme to the surface.
You may have noticed that Peter Parker doesn’t accept right away that with great powers come great responsibilities. He uses his powers to fight for money and get some bucks to buy a new car and impress a girl. When the fight manager is robbed, he lets the thief go away (not his problem). And his uncle gets killed because of that. He learns the theme the hard way.
Usually, in the first act, the hero is a non-believer of the theme, since ?theme? goes hand in hand with ?character arc?. You?ve got to give our hero a flaw if you want him to have a lesson to learn. And making your protagonist learn a lesson is a subtle way of getting your point across to the audience via dramatization.
I mean, the thematic statement usually inspires a lot of story choices. Here?s an example, I hope you?re able to see past its crappyness in order to see my point: Jamie isn?t the one being bullied at school. Another kid is. And Jamie doesn?t do anything about it. He wants something to be done, of course, but he doesn?t want to be the one to do it. Enter the Citadel and his opposite view of things. Can you see a better recipe for conflict? Wouldn?t this conflict bring the theme to the surface in a more interesting way than a couple of dialogue scenes between Jamie, Citadel, and Jamie?s teacher?
Last crappy example: It?s not Jamie?s girl the one that is kidnapped. It?s the Citadel?s girl. I mean, if Keefe is in danger, it?s obvious that Jamie will do something about it. It?s personal (despite the Citadel being in danger). And there?s not much dramatic weight in his decision to show up in the climatic last scene. What else could he do?
But what if Keefe was safe with him and the one in trouble was the Citadel?s love interest? Jamie would want something to be done, for sure. But would he be the one to do it? It?s not his problem (directly) and the Citadel told him so stay away. If he still chooses to intervene and help others, his decision will be more thematic since he?s helping others (especially if you introduced him as a non-believer of the theme).
Bottom line, in order to use conflict bring your thematic statement to the surface, I think you need to give your protagonist an opposite point of view. Neo didn?t believe he was The One at first, and that story choice fed his inner struggle during the second act and made his journey more interesting.
CHARACTERS
Characterization was fine here, but I?d say that you?ve got too many characters.
Man, you?ll probably hate me for this, but I think you need to lose Valentine?s subplot. I thought he would be some sort of antagonist to Jamie or the Citadel, but he wasn?t a real threat for them. That was the Widower. Same happens with the Red Lion.
I liked their scenes, but together, Valentine and the Red Lion have a very important amount of screen time. I would say a little too much for characters that don?t have any kind of interaction with your protagonist.
MINOR DETAILS AND SILLY STUFF
P.2 ?higher tax bracket? loved this line. In general I liked you dialogue lines a lot. I won?t mention them all since they are so many.
P.4 Maybe I?m confused but you?ve got a ?MRS. HALEY? that?s supposed read as ?MRS. REILLY? in here?
P.6 Prepare yourself to hate me even a bit more. I didn?t like the cape. I associate capes to superheroes that fly (Superman) glide (Batman) or hang out with flyers or gliders so they have the same tailor (Robin). Don?t ask me why, but because of the Citadel?s characterization, I picture him saying ?Capes are for pussies? instead of wearing one. No biggie. This is just a stylistic choice. Just offering my (obviously subjective) take on it.
P.17 ?INT. HALLOW CITY ? LIMOUSINE ? DAY? could be shortened to ?INT. LIMOUSINE - DAY? The reader gets that the story takes place in Hallow City.
P 21 The syringe thingy was cool. I still think you should not make Jamie indestructible, but the scene was pretty good.
P.28 ?Usted tiene que conseguir a mi marido! El es todav?en el coche!?
Haha! Man, your spanish sucks as much as my english. Try something like ?Usted tiene que rescatar a mi marido! El est?n el coche todav??
P.33 Keef?s reaction to Jaime?s story is pretty funny.
P. 123 Liked the scene where Jaime attends his own funeral. Had a dark feeling that I like for endings.
Don?t let all the bitching above fool you, I enjoyed reading this one. I think it needs work but it was an impressing job.
Thanks a ton for the read. I'm glad you had fun and you crit is awesome. Couple of things.
It is evident that Valentine had better come up with a big save if he wants to make it through re writes.
I think I have to do more with Jamie's limitations. Citadel alludes that he could have went into a coma but I need to show something like that to show that his power is not constant and infinite.
The 18 wheeler scene is definitely written as something I want to see. It was a little gluttonious but c'mon, I'm a writer and it's a tentpole type movie. Go for broke.
My spanish is via a spanish converter. Thanks for the suggestion. It better not mean something like "my balls have swelled to infinite proportions."
All in all you brought up great story aspects for me to reexamine. Thanks.
I enjoyed Hallow Knights- very well written and well thought out. Very DC Comics....(I was a Marvel guy when I was a kid, but read enough DC to know the difference)...Would have liked to see a bit more of Red Lion, as he was a good villian.
Loved the conflicted character of the Citadel, he's got a lot of depth and some issues which make him very interesting.
Jamie on the otherhand is a bit stereotyped...Seems like it's always the geeky, put-down kid that ends up with the super powers; Peter Parker, Danny Phantom, and so on...
Good luck with this!
Joe
Failure is only the opportunity to begin again more intelligently - Dove Chocolate Wrapper
Thanks wolfe. Oddly enough I was always a marvel guy too. And the desired effect was for you to know more about Red Lion, but not get it.
Anyway, for anyone that hasn't read this, a typo-less version (hopefully) has replaced the old one. Not much in the story has changed. Not a new draft by any means but hopefully an eaasier read.
Kinda felt like a loaf for a while. I'm mired in the second act of Mission To Earth. Keep chugging right? Anyway, if you read this thread you know that Hallow Knights was something I was working on in various incarnations for years and years until I finally got off my but and finished the script. Well, while at my folks I found some pages I did when I went at it as a graphic novel at least seven years ago. Shown below is a cover/pin-up I did for it. The main scene that I found bears a striking resemblence to the football scene on page 14. It's link's are down there as well as a page of the Citadel suiting up. There's no lettering but I think you can get a good sense for what's going on, especially if you've read the script. Hope you like the treat and I'll try to shape M.T.E. into something soon.
How dare you ask?! Just kidding. Kinda just fizzled out when I was doing it. I was working a lot and going to school and then, well, joined the Navy. I sent out some samples and through a contact in DC got some actual professional feedback. Another of those shoulda couldas, right? I supposedly did some stuff for an indie in Chicago. Supposedly meaning that I sent out the work and never heard from the guys again. I ain't to mad at it. Far as I know it never really got produced and it gave me some more practice so it's not a total loss.
My girl keeps begging me to try Hallow Knights as a comic again. Every time I entertain that notion I remember I'm just avoiding writing
Ok, so I've started reading your script, and I wanted to pause at the end of what could be considered the first act to make some comments.
First off, very solid writing. No spelling/grammar errors, and everything reads very smoothly.
Right now, I feel like the story is kind of derivative of other movies of its kind, but I'm hesitant to say any more because I don't know where it's going. It really reads more like a kid's movie than anything right now, so I'd probably recommend (for starters) taking out some of the harsher language (like pussy and faggot). Granted, it's a bit more realistic, but what place does realism have in this script?
(Added note after reading a bit more: Ok, this just became really violent, really quick. I don't know what rating you'd be going for with this...or furthermore, what audience.)
On to some more specific comments that I wrote as I went....
p.7 - The description of the Citadel is very lacking. Masked hero with black hair and white cape isn't a whole lot to go with. I feel for a Superhero you really need to paint a good image, because with something this vague, I'll basically just piece together other superheros to make the image in my mind, making it seem less unique.
p.9- The aspirin is too much. Granted, it's cute, but that's about it. He's either invincible or he isn't.
p.14- The bit at the gravestone is a.)WAY too cliche and b.) way too detailed. I don't care who you are, no one stands at a gravesite and says that much stuff out loud. I dislike scenes in movies where the character talks to a gravestone period, but you can get away with it if the dialogue is short enough....for me, this went on too long.
p.16- "Coach, I broke my everything." Very witty written out, but I don't think I can picture anyone actually saying this and pulling it off.
Thanks for the start of the read. I'll agree that it sometimes can't decide between PG-13 to R. I actually toned back the length of Citadel's into after many comments about it. You can''t win sometimes I guess. Plus with creating a character in a realm where most are already establish, wanted to give the design team some room. Didn't want to go overly into something that the costume department would handle and isn't essential to the plot. Describing a lining on his uniform may be the equivilant of writing your character with green eyes, but the green eyes really have no effect on the story.
I think you hit on something without knowing it. "He's either invincible or he's not." Keep reading and find out.
The gravestone is a little chiche, I'll agree. I just like it so much. Guy who you can't even see, making a pledge to a dead girl. Almost feels western-y to me.
Anyway, thanks for the start of a read. Keep reading.
Ok, finished. Finally, I know. It's been kind of hectic around these parts, but I'm not really going to go into that.
Overall, I think the script needs a bit of work. I really liked all of the action sequences; for example, the fight between The Widower and Jamie, and the final showdown. I think that they'll be something really cool to watch.
Here's my play-by-play, so to speak:
p.28- The whole, stopping a vehicle by stepping into it reminds me of the new Will Smith movie "Hancock". I know that doesn't mean you can't use it, but that's all I could think about while reading it (especially seeing as I've seen the trailer countless times)
p.36- Keefe's reaction to Jamie beating up the bullies and acceptance of his powers is a little ridiculous. After all, his hands were covered in blood, and she just shrugs it off. Granted, they were horrible to them, but BLOOD? I think such a savage beating would upset anyone.
I like Red Lion; especially his treatment of Silac. He's an awesome character.
p.41- "So maybe I'm not so good at the parallel park"- What?
p.47- Is it really that easy to jump from a speeding car onto a speeding boat?
It's at this point that I really am wondering who your audience is. And I know you've acknowledged the whole "PG-13" vs. "R" thing, but it's kind of a big deal. Who's the audience?
p.53- I don't like Cooke's response of Citadel being "Just a friend". I'd want more explanation at that time, not later.
p.54- Citadel - "Think you were meant for something else..." - This whole part just seemed kind of cheesy to me. It implies that a greater sense of wanting to help the world came with the powers. It just seems kind of silly.
p.57- Jamie takes the book without ANY sarcastic quip? That seems unlike him.
p.75- "....speculated to be very injured." - Awkward line.
p.80- Thurman is a terrible name. It's kind of cute that he's named that, but not enough to not make the scene seem really stupid.
p.89- "Something I should have done a long time ago." - No.
Your script REALLY needs to be cut down in length. Two hours seems like it's pushing a bit too much. I see you've discussed this in previous posts, but I would really take it down a bit.
You need to decide what you want your script to be. You go from hardcore action to silly scenes that have no place in the movie (see above listed critiques). If you cut some of the more superflous scenes that have no place in the story, I think it would flow a lot quicker. An example? At the end of the story, the whole fat man fart thing....I get it, it's cute, they're back together, etc. But it's too late in the game for that. I want more action, and I want the story to get going.
A good read, but I'd really like it if it was more consistent. Like I said before, it read like a hard-R superhero film mixed with a PG kids film.
Read the script and I think its really great. I enjoy the writing and the development of the characters throughout. My only real problem with the whole thing is that Jamie's parents are practically non-existent in the whole thing. This might be the point but I feel it really feels a bit too...un-real or sketchy, if you know what I mean.
Anyways well done and I look forward to reading your other scripts.
It's hard to find anything to say that hasn't already been said. I can say Three venti's at starbuck's, a cigar and a "good run!" I really enjoyed reading this script. It's a good origin story that could easily be the tent pole for a franchise.
I liked the characters. I especially liked the fact that you made The Widower a sympathetic character. I once read an article which warned against making your villain evil simply in order to have a villain. Instead it reminded us that the villain is the hero of their own story…meaning to me…that if you were to flip your story around and tell it from the villain’s point of view he/she would have motivation to do what they are doing. You did that very well here. He may have been committing murder, but in the end you could understand what had driven him to that point.
I’m looking forward to the next script. You should give it a read through with typos in mind, but other than that you have a good writing style and seem to have found your “voice”.
Hey, thanks for the read. This one's been gathering cobwebs. Proof the OWC is a good way to promote yourself.
Glad you liked the Widower. I really pushed hard for the audience to feel for him. I like the idea of the story being told from his perspective. It's an interesting angle.
Proof reading is the bane of my existence, especially features. I'll try harder.
Any glad you enjoyed it. Feel free to check out any of my other shorts. There's one more not listed in my sig (Eternal Memories). Just put my name (Timothy F. Betts) in the search. Thanks.
I suck at proof reading myself. I seem to almost always see what I "meant" to spell even when trying to find my errors! I'll check out your shorts in the next few days.
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