Quoted from mgj Yeah - that's it.  The cave fills with water at hight-tide.  Not all of the water drains out though since the floor of the cave is below sea-level.  I've seen this before - on a much smaller scale, mind you.

If the cave fills with water how did the raft stay dry? (Sorry )

Quoted from mcornetto If the cave fills with water how did the raft stay dry? (Sorry )

I think your confused because you're imagining the entire cave filling up with water.   What if I say the raft was tied up at a spot just above the high-water mark?  

Quoted Text Mac was a tough one.  I felt I needed a sarcastic voice for the other characters to play off of.  He's sort of like Han Solo - not really integral to the plot.  He's more just along for the ride and to keep everyone on their toes.  I had to figure a way to bring him in to the story so I came up with the idea of him being a reporter.  My original intention was for him to use this as a ruse to sabbatage the search somehow and steal the treasure all for himself.  I still might use that angle.  What do you think - would that flesh out his character a little better for you?

Ya know, as I was reading, both Han Solo and Jack Sparrow came to mind.  Maybe making him more greedy would flesh him out more, but of course he has to do the right thing in the end to redeem himself as both Solo and Sparrow(at least in the 1st) did.  

Quoted Text I'm guessing you're unsure why Mac and the kids are suddenly on friendly terms?  With Dave gone it was just the three of them.  This forces them to learn to work together, find common ground so to speak.  I guess even enemies can learn to work together when thrust into a situation.  That was my intent anyway.

I think what got me on this scene was when Mac goes: What?  You weren’t planning on staying mad at me forever were you?... C’mon.  Don’t be that way.  Come back and give your ol’ Uncle Mac a hand.  I’ll even let you listen to your tunes on the radio.

After reading that I was like ehhhh.  Cause he's really coming on oddly strong there whereas up until now(and the rest of the story for that matter) he's just kind of like the guy who manages to bug everyone with everything he does.

Quoted Text Rats - a logical loophole.  I guess, er  he must have untied it really quickly before jumping out.  Actually this really bugs me.  I know some people will tell you movies don't have to make sense but I've always felt they should hold up under scrutiny.  I'll have to fix this.

Ah ha!  So it was a loophole!  No matter, it's easily fixable.  You could have half the boat rip off and the other half still dangling...so when Putter comes ashore and sees the wreck on the beach, Mac could sarcastically go "yeah...up there, too."  and Putter's like WAAAAH?  Or maybe a rock jagged through the hull so they tie the rope around that.  It's really no biggie.  Tons of possibilities.  

Quoted Text Yeah - that's it.  The cave fills with water at hight-tide.  Not all of the water drains out though since the floor of the cave is below sea-level.  I've seen this before - on a much smaller scale, mind you.

Ah, check.  Now that's a cool cave!

Quoted Text The coverage writer at the Austin Film Festival suggested I build on the legend by having the place where the treasure is located magically sealed somehow, only to be unlocked at the anniversary of some event like Haley's comet or a full moon.  Once unlocked, the sea-creature would emerge to protect the treasure as if it were one of its young.  I'm not sure what you think of this, if you have any thoughts.  My initial reaction was that it was a bit out there but I suppose it would give Boo more of a motive.  The writer felt it needed a reason for being in those waters at that time.

Eh.  The problem with that is it's getting way too mystical and makes the story way  more complex.  I think what you have now is a solid foundation, it's just working Boo more into it.  Right now she attacks the ships and is like the Keeper of the Treasure...and the Keeper of the Legend for that matter.  Personally, I'd keep it as simple as possible and sway from any magical stuff or whatever.  To buy me out on Boo, all that needs to be done is give her something pivotal...give her a reason to be there, weather it be related to the treasure, the Great Grandfather...a rescue, whatever.  Given how I think you succeeded so much with this story already, I know you can do it!

Quoted from greg Ya know, as I was reading, both Han Solo and Jack Sparrow came to mind.  Maybe making him more greedy would flesh him out more, but of course he has to do the right thing in the end to redeem himself as both Solo and Sparrow(at least in the 1st) did.

You're right, he absolutely has to do the right thing in the end.  Originally I had him as a local politician.  His plan was to concoct a hoax about Boo in an effort to bring tourism into the community.  Only when he discovers that Boo's actually real does he band together with the others to go treasure huntin').  These things can get away from you in a real hurry though.  I think I had it at an additional 20 pages or something for this.  

Quoted from greg Ah ha!  So it was a loophole!  No matter, it's easily fixable.  You could have half the boat rip off and the other half still dangling...so when Putter comes ashore and sees the wreck on the beach, Mac could sarcastically go "yeah...up there, too."  and Putter's like WAAAAH?  Or maybe a rock jagged through the hull so they tie the rope around that.  It's really no biggie.  Tons of possibilities.

That's exactly how I orginally had it.  The hull breaks in two.  On the beach Mac directs Putter's attention towards the top of the cliff, to which Putter responds 'You mean... but where's the rest of it?' And then he eyes the debris pile directly below.  Not sure why I changed it.  I think I felt the hull splitting in two was a little unrealistic.  Seems like I plugged one loophole by creating another.  I just may have to change it back now.

Quoted from greg Eh.  The problem with that is it's getting way too mystical and makes the story way  more complex.  I think what you have now is a solid foundation, it's just working Boo more into it.

Yeah, I think we're on the same page here.  I'd like to keep this simple and grounded in reality as much as possible too.  I remember a very old interview with either Spielberg or Lucas (early eighties, I think) that really stuck with me.  He said you can exploit pretty much anything for laughs or whatnot but the actual quest that your hero is on must be taken seriously, otherwise nobody will buy into it.  I think if I start introducing mystical elements into the whole legend of Boo then I risk just that.  It's surprsing how many films now don't adhere to this simple principle.  Even Pirates of the Caribean feels like one big joke to me as I watch it.


Thanks again for your input.

-Mike

Hey Mike,

Sorry for the wait. Been busy alot lately. I got a chance to read 15pgs and I found interesting. It leads the readers in especially the opening. What I found distracting was the AAARRGGH description. I'm not concentrated on format much but that it seems out of place. Why not elminate the AARRGG and as part, starting the sentence with a.

"A massive upsurge propels both him and his boat into the air."

I thinks this conveys more.

Allison seems to be portryed more as a grownup than a child. For example, her dialgoue is impeciable.

pg. 17 ALISON
I’m positive.  Look - he was charting a course from the mainland out to this chain of islands here.  

pg.15 ALISON
Once, while I was looking out my window, I thought I saw something moving out in the harbor.  It was foggy though so I can’t be certain.

I think you want to tone this down a bit due to her age. But she could be a genius.

I'll let you know more,
Gabe

Hey Gabe.  Thanks for taking a look.

Yeah, I'm beginning to realize that no one likes 'AAARGH' in a description.  It's my New Years resolution to stop doing that.    

I see what you mean about Alison's dialogue sounding rather mature for a twelve-year-old.  I guess the way I'd view it is this: she's lived in a small fishing village her whole life, she's grown up listening to her Great-Grandfather tell her tales about his adventures on the high seas.  It's like, say an Eskimo kid knowing more about snow or the mating habits of seals than some adult living in New York.  It probably stands to reason that the same is true for Alison.  She should be a little more articulate on matters of the sea.  Well, that's my story anyway and I'm sticking to it.    

Oh, and just let me know if you want anything of yours reviewed.  

-Mike

Hey Mike,

Read a couple of more pages. Not sure how much since I'm reading it from a notepad in school. But I'm really enjoying it so far.

Some things though:

The wife who thinks a Ghost is living in there, what makes her think its evil? I think it will be better to say that its haunted rather than evil, unless there is more sinister backstory to the grandfather. Probably thinking too much but something to look at. It was funny though; but the evil didn't interest me.  

I found it kind of odd that Putter Dave gave in so easily to Allison and Stevie. I think you can extract more comedy out of this scene.

Also, if they are in rush to get out, how do they have time to pruse over a journal? I was thinking that the journal can be read later in the grandfather's voice when Allison reads to Stevie. It's probably cliche. lol.  

Nevertheless, i got the whole gist of your scene: Allison incidentally prevented anyone from taking her grandfather's room.

Hope this helps anyway,
Gabe

Thanks Gabe.  'Reading it from a notepad in school' - that's funny.  I can see you're pretty busy so thanks again for taking a look.

You brought up a good point I'll touch on:

In regards to the journal, I think you might be right.  She does peruse through it pretty quickly before quoting a few of the more significant passages from all those entries.  I guess she could be a speed reader (lol).  You're idea about using her great grandfather's voice is a good suggestion.

-Mike

Hey Mike,

Got to read a couple more. I loved this part.

I still find it funny how Mac takes a pic and then goes to help Allison and Stevie. Lol.

I doubt priates say "yee-haw". Probably curse yeah, but not yee haw. That makes me wonder: why not have Putter Dave curse. And have Mac cover Allison and Stevie's ears as they watch Dave riding Boo. They have shocked expressions in seeing it. Dave's curse won't be heard but the kids would see him mouth the words. That would be funny. Similar to the Christmas Story. Just a thought.

Ill continue to read further.

Gabe

Hey Gabe.  I look forward now to these reviews you keep sending me in little blocks.  I keep wondering if I should hold off and answer them all at once but what the hey.

I think the adventure aspect does pick up once they set out to sea so hopefully that will entice you to read further.  In this version Mac is a reporter so, of course, once Boo appears, his primary concern is taking a picture of it, not saving the kids.  However, I'm toying with the idea of making him a stow-away instead.  If that happens I'll probably eliminate that scene.

Good idea about having Putter Dave curse as well.  I'll lock that away in my memory.

-Mike

I always go out of my way to read one of your scripts MGJ cause I know you will do the same for me.

I have read every one of your feature scripts posted here and it is fantastic to see just how your writing has improved and improved again with each effort.

With this one you write like a pro. It felt like a movie, like you could just play it out in your mind as a movie.  I think the reason for this is just the tone the style you have written perfectly captures that vibe and essence in pretty much all kids movies.

Some great stand out moments in this one. When children pulled by monster there is lots of tension, danger, Mac rescue them after whip out camera and take a photo. Classic. Or when Dave just jumps on monster and takes it for a ride. Funny to is bit when they reunited with Dave on island and he is asking about his ship.

I really want to draw your attention to these little details cause I feel they are what really spice up a script or movie and make it all the more enjoyable. It is what makes a story come alive and so few writers who post their scripts here do it.

Now the only big problem I had was the dialogue. This was a drag.

The dialogue was way sophisticated for children.

I’ve got five nephews ranging from 4 to 14 and no way in the world they would speak the way your kids do in your script.

“That’s no insentive.”  Says Stevie after Alison warn him to do that or mum will “kill them”  that just feels wrong.

So to does Stevie saying: “I suggest you do as he says” during an intense life threatening situation.  That was just false.

The dialogue is just to formal and proper and I think this the one area you still need improving. Just need to loosen up a bit.

But in all in all this is another great script that enjoyed and can’t wait to see what you do next. I’m hoping you will return to animation again cause that seems to be where you work best.

PS: We both started posting our scripts about the same time on Simply Scripts and I notice you have knocked out five feature scripts while I’m still struggling to finish my third feature. I envy you.      

Hey Mike,

Glad to see you got the new draft up.  I can't recall the original draft detail-for-detail but I think you one-upped the aspects that I wasn't too keen on that come to mind.  

I'm just gonna get right into it; the final action sequence with Boo and whirlpool and escaping the cave had the same result from what I recall.  They didn't get the treasure, Boo was killed(assumed. Do whirlpools kill? I dunno), but Putter Dave walked away with the Starburst name plate as proof the wreck exists, thus verifying his sanity and his word and hence proving that the Maddens aren't insane, there's some sort of debris/treasure, and that probably Boo exists(even though there's no hard evidence at the end to show everyone, but suddenly Dave's word is good enough to believe in).  So at the end the REAL treasure was that the Maddens redeem their family name.  Basically, the TRUTH was their treasure.  It wasn't the gold, it wasn't bringing the body of Boo to land, it was just proving that their family isn't nuts.  It's a good message but I think I would have liked to see them walk away with at least a little more.  Maybe they stuff their pockets with gold while they're on the Starburst, forget about it, then when they get on land it's like OH!  Look what we got here!  Just a thought.

The characters were well done.  You do a good job of giving kid personalities to Alison and Stevie and their dialogue is fine as far as I'm concerned.  Putter Dave, he's a good guy, maybe could use a little more wackiness.  Mac I think you did the most work on(he was a reporter in the first draft, right?) and making him the bad guy on board was mostly a hit, sometimes a miss.  For example he's got the persona of a sneaky bad guy which was fine, but when he left the Maddens stranded on those rocks and sailed off with the Lola I was kind of ehhh.  I know he's not a saint by nature, but I thought he had shown a little good since stowing away on the ship, such as when he goes out to console Alison after Dave goes overboard.  Seemed like he had changed.  My second beef is that when he DID indeed change by going after Alison instead of the treasure while in the cave with Boo...that was only maybe a half hour later after he sailed off with the boat?  I guess Dave did save his life so that could make a person change pretty quickly, but you see what I'm saying here?  It's not bad, but maybe it could use a little more meat to those parts.  

Outside of that I once again found the story very enjoyable.  The mood and atmosphere of the small coastal town, the nautical aspects, the mysterious creature, treasure hunting, etc.  It works.  Good use of humor when Alison and Stevie were digging under the floorboards while their mom was showing around the new tenants and the wife was freaking out.  The story has a fine blend of adventure and comedy, though I'd still like to see/hear from some more Boo.  Of course, leaving your audience wanting more, maybe that's a good thing, but also maybe just a little more closure for Boo.  Maybe Putter's got a camera with him and toward the end he snaps a picture of Boo and for humor's sake, it looks exactly like that famous shot of Nessie and he shows it off to the town and everyone's like oooh!  Something small like that. I really liked Boo.  Everyone likes mysterious sea creatures.

There's something afoot about your format.  It looks like for your descriptions you entered before they reached the end of the line?  I think that added on about 12-15 pages.  Page 33 Stevie is referred to as Robbie.  Some other typos in and about but generally it was well written.  Some descriptions were being told rather than shown(i.e. deep down in there beats a hard of gold etc etc).  

So overall I like this story a lot and I stand by what I said in my PM to you a few weeks ago that you should look for some family oriented festivals to slip this into.  I think it's a gem of a clean adventure script and a pleasure to read.  Imaginative, funny, cool action, good characters...very nice job, Mike!  

-Greg

Hey Greg.

You're right, the biggest changes involved the Mac character.  Before he was just along for the ride.  Now his character has an arc and he learns something along the way.  I see though that you had a problem with his character seeming to flip-flop from bad guy to good guy.  

Just to give you my own thought process while writing - I wanted to establish him as a crook right off the hop.  He's just robbed a bank, is hiding out in this small coastal town when he learns about the legend and the treasure.  He stows away on board the ship but when Putter Dave is lost at sea, he suddenly finds himself in the role of protector of the two kids.  Once Putter does return - and this is where I think you're having the problem - he does have a sudden relapse and reverts back to his criminal ways.  He takes off now on his own in search of the treasure.  

I did try to show him conflicted at that point but perhaps the transition was too abrupt.  You've definitley given something to think about here.

I'm glad - if I interpret you correctly - that you feel the overall adventure aspect of the story is still there.  I had to sacrifice part of the shipwreck scene in this draft.  I needed the boat to remain intact so Mac could use it to take off in search of the treasure on his own.

One other thing of yours you mentioned - about them not ultimately getting the treasure in the end.  This is were the morality part of the tale comes in , I guess.  I thought, and still do for the most part, that it's important in a story for young people to have a message that there are more important things than gold.  The risk is that it can leave you less than satisfied.  Maybe it's tied up a little too neatly but I like your idea about the snapshot.  We'll see if I can incorporate that or something similar into it.

Thanks again for your review - you've given me alot to think about which is good.  Just let me know when your new draft is up.  

-Mike

Hey Mike,

To respond to some of your things, no, the adventure aspect wasn't sacrificed at all.  If I recall, the Lola was dangling off the rocks in the first draft while the crew escaped and then smashed down to the bottom.  Yeah, that bit of action was gone, but it didn't damage the adventure which is felt pretty much throughout.

I do like what you did with Mac's character and I understand your thoughts behind him.  I guess I just would have liked a tad more of HIS thought process to make his actions and changes more understanding to me.

Lastly, you're 100% right: This is targeted to a younger audience so your message at the end actually works.  That connection just slipped my mind while writing the review.  Still, I think a little something would have been nice for the kids at least, whether it be a piece of gold or a snapshot of Boo that looks exactly like Nessie.  I think that would be very funny ha-ha.  

But again, nice job.  Really enjoyed it.

-Greg