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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Screenwriting Discussion    Simplyscripts Collaborative Effort  ›  Showdown #13 James vs Michael - CONGRATULATING Moderators: Mr. Blonde
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 Vote for A or B
B (14 votes)
73.68%
A (5 votes)
26.32%
19 Votes Total
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  Author    Showdown #13 James vs Michael - CONGRATULATING  (currently 5232 views)
mcornetto
Posted: September 28th, 2012, 9:54pm Report to Moderator
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James takes on Michael.

The challenge is

Any genre, 1-5 pages, must include signature item - Map.  

Vote for the script you think meets the challenge best and tell us why.

A screenplay

B screenplay

Revision History (1 edits)
mcornetto  -  September 30th, 2012, 2:55am
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Dreamscale
Posted: September 28th, 2012, 10:30pm Report to Moderator
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Oh boy...c'mon guys.  The map is barely in either script.  A, hardly even remotely involved.  B, right at the end.

I should have submitted mine.  Damn...no vote...
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Ryan1
Posted: September 28th, 2012, 10:31pm Report to Moderator
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Good challenge, boys.  Wow, hard to imagine two more completely different stories.

I liked how A used very spare description, making it a very quick and easy read.  A few problems popped up for me, though.  Who is Judah?  If there's an explanation for that "flashback sequence" I missed it.  Also, why would they be speaking in Tongan if this is in Africa?  Tonga is a Polynesian island a few thousand miles away.

B I felt was technically better written, but it didn't offer any surprises.  Without giving anything away, I guessed the identity of the girl by page 3.  Still, the writing was sharp and you could feel the sting of this bum's despondence.  Wish it could have had a bit more closure at the end.  

I voted for B.
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M.Alexander
Posted: September 28th, 2012, 10:43pm Report to Moderator
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No sense in pretending whose script is whose.   Grainy vs bold slugs.   I think I got whupped.   Definitely gonna have to vote for the other guy.   I liked the "recovery" aspect of the story.  And the way she left him hanging in the valley of decision was a real gut punch.  It rang true.  

Congrats (through grit teeth)


Quoted from Dreamscale
The map is barely in either script.  A, hardly even remotely involved.  B, right at the end.


I didn't think we had to "use" a map.  Just show it.

Revision History (3 edits; 1 reasons shown)
M.Alexander  -  September 29th, 2012, 10:24am
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mcornetto
Posted: September 28th, 2012, 11:01pm Report to Moderator
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Good show on getting a script written for the challenge within the time allotted.  


Despite the sparse writing I found A a bit hard to follow.  Also, as Ryan mentioned Tongan should have been something like Swahili.   That's where the term Simba comes from.   Also, there was no mention of a map - unless I missed it.

B didn't really rock my world either.   Not that it was bad, just kind of average.  It mentions the map but only at the very end.   I guess what's on the map is important to the story.  

I voted for B - because the map use was more apparent so it followed the contest parameters better and because it didn't have any glaring geographical errors.
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Pale Yellow
Posted: September 28th, 2012, 11:06pm Report to Moderator
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I liked A better...loved the irony...

I've helped people before and had it backfire on me...and this story hit home...even though they were animals and I love the names (btw) ....I could relate to this one.

cool story.

B was good too but I think more was needed to make me side with one or the other. Just din't connect with those characters as much.

Good job boys.
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Reef Dreamer
Posted: September 29th, 2012, 3:20am Report to Moderator
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Well done everyone.

Bearing in mind you had, what was it 24/48hrs, they're not bad. That really isn't long.

Oh the decision, the decision, I think I'm going to cry....

To be honest the map thing was largely irrelevant in both so I couldn't decide on that basis.

I only had the chance to read once, so may have missed things. It was genuinely close, but I voted A.

Unlike Michael,  I kinda felt I knew what was happening in A. Whilst B was simpler (easy to film isn't a criteria for judging this I believe, but they are very different in that respect) the essence of the girl confused me and wasn't wholly resolved. She in a uniform, black finger nails tell us something about her, but I never worked out what that was.

The darkness suggests an evil motive, yet it appears she is the daughter provides a road map to help. It is a novel way to help someone by offering them chance to kill themselves. Ok, and I am fully aware of this, those who are down on their luck frequently don't take the good options in front of them. A jolt could help to see the light. Yet, he has been so belittled in the process, in my experience, this would not have helped a vulnerable person. So the reason for my rambling, is that buying INTO these characters is the core of this idea and I struggled a touch.

May have to re read to see if I missed something.

The African one, jumps about, has a few strange things, but kept my attention. I did like the, "I love doing that line".

Was there meant to be references to other films? I got that in A, missed the scene in B. which film?

Well done folks.

Ps I 've no idea who's is who's.


My scripts  HERE

The Elevator Most Belonging To Alice - Semi Final Bluecat, Runner Up Nashville
Inner Journey - Page Awards Finalist - Bluecat semi final
Grieving Spell - winner - London Film Awards.  Third - Honolulu
Ultimate Weapon - Fresh Voices - second place
IMDb link... http://www.imdb.com/name/nm7062725/?ref_=tt_ov_wr
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stevemiles
Posted: September 29th, 2012, 4:17am Report to Moderator
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Liked what A had to say, though in terms of story, B had the edge for me. Found it harder to identify with the characters of A; while the writing of B pulled me into the scene a little more. That said ‘An Empty Chamber’ title kind of gives the game away.

Two good shorts, but it's B for me.

Steve.  


My short scripts can be found here on my new & improved budget website:


http://stevemiles80.wixsite.com/sjmilesscripts
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mcornetto
Posted: September 29th, 2012, 4:29am Report to Moderator
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Just a reminder that your vote won't count unless you actually vote in the poll.  
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stevemiles
Posted: September 29th, 2012, 4:38am Report to Moderator
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Ah, got it. Technology, not my strong suit.


My short scripts can be found here on my new & improved budget website:


http://stevemiles80.wixsite.com/sjmilesscripts
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khamanna
Posted: September 29th, 2012, 6:31am Report to Moderator
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Hey, welcome back, Screen!

Great showing by both of you - I really liked both.
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leitskev
Posted: September 29th, 2012, 7:36am Report to Moderator
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Story B: the bum and the gun

With some work on the script, this story WILL be filmed. If it's posted where small producers and filmers can see it, there is no doubt it will be.

I feel like some tweaks are needed, and I'm not quite sure what they are at the moment. Sorry I can't be more helpful.

I'll see if I can try.

First I want to discuss the character description of Juliana. It's irrelevant to the story, but this bugged me to the point where it distracted my read for the next few pages. And I probably make this kind of mistake in my work all the time.

"The black nail polish and the facial pirecings tell you who she really is."

It does? I had no idea what this meant. My first thought was a prostitute. But the description said "who" not "what". And what do black nail polish and piercings have to do with prostitution? Sounds more like a Goth to me.

So as I read, that description echoes in my mind. It distracts. Even now that I'm done, all I can deduce is prostitution, and that's more from the cash she had.

All this is easily fixed by saying she's "a young prostitute".

The lesson I learned and hope to watch for in my own work is: if you're going to be clever with a description, fine, but make sure things are clear. Lack of clarity is a killer.

The only other problem I had was the cash for killing himself part. That might be a mute point, as she only begins with the cash, but then moves into explaining to him why he should kill himself.

The concept is great! That's why I am sure it will be filmed. Most of the writing is very good too. So I'm definbitely high on this script.

No idea how to vote.
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jwent6688
Posted: September 29th, 2012, 7:53am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Dreamscale
Oh boy...c'mon guys.  The map is barely in either script.  A, hardly even remotely involved.  B, right at the end.

I should have submitted mine.  Damn...no vote...


The way I read it, the map is just an item in the story, not a theme, so I can't see how you can say neither script met the parameters.

James


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mcornetto
Posted: September 29th, 2012, 8:26am Report to Moderator
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There are no strict rules about how to use a signature item.  However, it should be used enough to feel like it is part of the story rather than feeling like it was just thrown in to meet the requirement.  
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Pale Yellow
Posted: September 29th, 2012, 9:04am Report to Moderator
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A lotta people, myself included, wear black fingernail polish. So that description was a lil weird for me in story B ....

I also felt story B could've had a more effective ending if it ended after she told him he didn't have the courage. That was really sort of a twist to me... just thinking out loud.
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