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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Screenwriting Discussion    Simplyscripts Collaborative Effort  ›  Showdown #13 James vs Michael - CONGRATULATING Moderators: Mr. Blonde
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 Vote for A or B
B (14 votes)
73.68%
A (5 votes)
26.32%
19 Votes Total
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  Author    Showdown #13 James vs Michael - CONGRATULATING  (currently 5234 views)
rc1107
Posted: September 29th, 2012, 9:47am Report to Moderator
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Both stories had a positive message to send, so I liked that aspect of it.

B was a little more grounded in reality, so that nudges it ahead a little more right there for me.  It was a little hard to imagine how A was going to be shot, whether it was an animation cartoon, CGI, or actual footage of real animals with V.O.

Also, based on the map, B does utilize the map just a little more.  The map in A seemed like it was thrown in and didn't move the story, while in B, it's at least a way he can get better.


Quoted from kevin
why did the lion save the buffalo?


I got the impression the lion saved the buffalo because the other buffalo had saved him before, so he was just paying it forward.


Again, I liked the messages both stories had, it's just that B edges it out a little more for me.


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Dreamscale
Posted: September 29th, 2012, 9:59am Report to Moderator
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When such a challenge takes place, there has to be a way to prevent writers from using pre-written material  that is, in theory, better, because it wasn't written in a hurry, on the fly.  So, here we had a a map that had to be used.

When I originally saw this, I started thinking about what I would write and quickly came up with what I thought was a very cool story which literally revolved around a map - it was the central idea behind the entire story.

A had a single throw away line about a map and if the line wasn't in there, the script would literally be no different whatsoever.

B brings a map in at the very end, but it really has nothing to do with the story, either.

A started off pretty well but quickly went downhill for me with the abundant inconsistencies.  The Tonga thing made zero sense.  The Flashback was shoehorned in and felt so out of place.  The name Simba was goofy.  The moral of the story was way too heavy handed.

B didn't work much better for me, but at least the map did come into play.  Offering money for shooting and killing yourself makes zero sense.  Really, the whole premise for me was quite foolish and unbelievable.  It went for a horror-type tone but the elements of horror were never present.

I voted for B strictly because A did not include a map in the story, only a line in the script.

Call me a prick but I am so far from impressed with either of these.
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leitskev
Posted: September 29th, 2012, 10:03am Report to Moderator
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Ok, thanks Mark. I went back and looked, and what I didn't catch the first time was the flashback in the slug.

A couple months ago, Brett posted a link to an article by a studio reader, or producer, and the guy mentioned how he never reads the slugs.

When I saw that, I was like...aha!  Because I am guilty of a tendency to skip them myself. I've tried to train myself not to skip, but apparently it remains a weakness.

Consider that there are other Bozos like me and that producer, and keep that in mind when writing slugs. Might be worth the extra line of using BEGIN FLASHBACK.

Anyway, I get it now, thanks for clearing it up.

I also wonder if there should be a transition into that flash. How would they show that in film? How would we know it was a flash?


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Electric Dreamer
Posted: September 29th, 2012, 10:07am Report to Moderator
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Glad to see some friendly sabre rattling again on the site.
Good on you two for throwing your gauntlets into the ring!

Screenplay A

Smooth. Clear.
When the flashback ended was a tad unclear to me.
The irony of how survival works was pretty cool.
I dig the scope of it. But had some ancillary characters.

Screenplay B

Clever enough premise that this will get filmed.
Had an easier time visualizing this one.
Talking heads with a gun works. Kept me reading.

I think the map should have also enclosed a way to find the girl.
Directions from the rehab joint to where the girl works, something like that.
Like the focus of the two. Kept me reading all the way through.

I vote for: B

Great job guys.
Two super smooth and clear reads from SS vets!

Regards,
E.D.



LATEST NEWS

CineVita Films
is producing a short based on my new feature!

A list of my scripts can be found here.
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M.Alexander
Posted: September 29th, 2012, 10:09am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from jwent6688


The way I read it, the map is just an item in the story, not a theme, so I can't see how you can say neither script met the parameters.

James


That's how I saw it.


Quoted from mcornetto
There are no strict rules about how to use a signature item.  However, it should be used enough to feel like it is part of the story rather than feeling like it was just thrown in to meet the requirement.  


If I knew this I would gone a whole nother angle.    I declare a rematch.

Kidding.
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leitskev
Posted: September 29th, 2012, 10:11am Report to Moderator
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The money part in story B bothers me a little less than on first read. Here's the reason:

Had the bum not pulled the trigger, he would not have fulfilled the contract, so not been given the cash by his daughter. That's the theory anyway.

The idea is he had to kill his old self, the self pettying bum, and be reborn. So if he is willing to do that, she will pay him to clean up. I think.

And it has to be a choice. That's why she leaves the gun, gives him a bullet.

I do think something is lacking and needs to be adjusted, not sure what, but it has excellent potential. Worth playing with by the writer, and then putting out there to be filmed.
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jwent6688
Posted: September 29th, 2012, 12:20pm Report to Moderator
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The Don voted???


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cloroxmartini
Posted: September 29th, 2012, 12:29pm Report to Moderator
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B

Both were not really open and shut shorts so it was a close call as A had humor I liked.

My choice was made when Juliana tipped her hand about him getting cleaned up. It might have been his daughter and having a daughter similar in nature tipped my vote that way.
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Reef Dreamer
Posted: September 29th, 2012, 12:34pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from jwent6688
The Don voted???


I believe so. SR you may have been allowed back...well maybe.

Well done both, inspiring a good debate, all from scripts written in a few hours. In fact in that time I would be still work in progress rather than a draft!

What this says to me is...

...WE NEED AN OWC!!

In terms of the scripts, whilst I voted A, I believe B could be the better script and definitely has more potential in terms of being filmed. Just needs the clarity that Kevin and I agree on.

Good fun.

Anybody fancy another?


My scripts  HERE

The Elevator Most Belonging To Alice - Semi Final Bluecat, Runner Up Nashville
Inner Journey - Page Awards Finalist - Bluecat semi final
Grieving Spell - winner - London Film Awards.  Third - Honolulu
Ultimate Weapon - Fresh Voices - second place
IMDb link... http://www.imdb.com/name/nm7062725/?ref_=tt_ov_wr
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alffy
Posted: September 29th, 2012, 12:47pm Report to Moderator
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Congrats to both of you for getting your scripts done in the short time and they're both pretty good.  The map plays little part in either but that's no big deal.

Not sure if we're suppose to state our vote I voted for B...just.  Close call.

Well done to you both.


Check out my scripts...if you want to, no pressure.

You can find my scripts here
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leitskev
Posted: September 29th, 2012, 1:56pm Report to Moderator
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15 votes. Pretty good turnout!
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Forgive
Posted: September 29th, 2012, 4:03pm Report to Moderator
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Both good reads -- close call and couldn't really make my mind up - went for A, but then not too sure, but can't change my mind. I quite like the moral it had to it (even if it's been done before) - packed quite a bit into a short - the flashback made sense to me - there were, I assumed two different Buffalo? Some of B's - better written, and more edge - was predictable. I kept on going 'and this'll happen' - that might have taken the edge off it for me.

Pointless having the 'maps' bit in - might as well have said they got to have clothes on?
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jwent6688
Posted: September 29th, 2012, 8:33pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Reef Dreamer


Good fun.

Anybody fancy another?


I do not, but I do think this is a good writing exercise. Some people think writing under these conditions is ridiculous, but watch The Making of Southpark - 6 Days to Air. These guys write under the gun every week!

Would like to see two other people take up the challenge. Me and SR, M. Alexander, have a long history. We'll always battle.


Quoted from leitskev

15 votes. Pretty good turnout!


18 now, last I checked. The folks here are itching for an OWC. October is right around the corner!


Quoted from Dreamscale
Call me a prick


Prick.

James




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Dreamscale
Posted: September 29th, 2012, 8:51pm Report to Moderator
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danbotha
Posted: September 29th, 2012, 10:06pm Report to Moderator
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It is so close for me. I really enjoyed them both. Script A had an awesome little message and was written extremely well. As for Script B, an even stronger message, but I didn't feel it was written as well as A. It's a close call.

Screenwriting is all about the story and not the way it is written. For that reason, I'm going for B.

Well done to both the writers. I don't think I could have done better than either of you


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