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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Comedy Scripts  ›  Nun the Wiser Moderators: bert
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  Author    Nun the Wiser  (currently 637 views)
Don
Posted: June 11th, 2020, 11:36am Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Nun the Wiser by David C Lambertson - Comedy - A nun and a prostitute take a cross-country road trip to discover whether either of them chose the right profession.  118 pages - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work



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eldave1
Posted: June 11th, 2020, 11:45am Report to Moderator
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Thanks Don for getting this up so fast.

Anyhoo:

Wanted to get a road comedy in my inventory because - well, I didn't have one. So this is just kind of a light-hearted one that's based on a short I wrote for an OWC (Nun too Soon) a long time ago.  


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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Yuvraj
Posted: June 11th, 2020, 12:06pm Report to Moderator
Been around a while


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Just when I read the logline, it striked me that this is a fleshed out version of your short script. Gonna read this soon.


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eldave1
Posted: June 11th, 2020, 12:07pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Yuvraj
Just when I read the logline, it striked me that this is a fleshed out version of your short script. Gonna read this soon.


Yes - it is - thanks


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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Mr. Blonde
Posted: June 11th, 2020, 12:34pm Report to Moderator
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What good are choices if they're all bad?

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Must be summer (ish). Everyone's bringing out the big guns. Dave, this one will also go on the list after I finish up. =)

P.S. I still think you should make that foray into horror...


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eldave1
Posted: June 11th, 2020, 3:11pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Mr. Blonde
Must be summer (ish). Everyone's bringing out the big guns. Dave, this one will also go on the list after I finish up. =)

P.S. I still think you should make that foray into horror...


Thanks, mate


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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stevie
Posted: June 12th, 2020, 1:45am Report to Moderator
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Just finished reading this and highly recommend it! A breeze to read, engaging characters and some real funny lines. Do yourself a favour.

I would nearly dub the writing as Ďeffortlessí but only the Beatles achieved that moniker



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spesh2k
Posted: June 12th, 2020, 2:21am Report to Moderator
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Got this on my list, Dave. Should get to this within the next week.

-- Michael


MY FEATURE FILMS:

THE SUICIDE THEORY (79% Rotten Tomato Score, Available on Amazon Prime, Itunes, Google Play, Youtube, etc) - https://youtu.be/5eaXXOKJvtg

RAGE (coming late 2020/early 2021) - https://vimeo.com/402447622

Check out my latest horror script, HONEY MUSTARD - https://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-horror/m-1585433547/
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eldave1
Posted: June 12th, 2020, 3:43pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from stevie
Just finished reading this and highly recommend it! A breeze to read, engaging characters and some real funny lines. Do yourself a favour.

I would nearly dub the writing as Ďeffortlessí but only the Beatles achieved that moniker



Thanks, Steve - appreciated


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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eldave1
Posted: June 12th, 2020, 3:44pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from spesh2k
Got this on my list, Dave. Should get to this within the next week.

-- Michael


Cool


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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Reef Dreamer
Posted: June 12th, 2020, 4:26pm Report to Moderator
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Dave

This is an outstanding title and idea. Reminds me of `Brett`martins (electric dreamer) Clone Wife...the kind of concept that just made you sit up.

As those in the know say, itís Something you could see on billboards.

I hope to read, but as a starter, this is very sound.

All the best


My scripts †HERE

The Elevator Most Belonging To Alice - Semi Final Bluecat, Runner Up Nashville
Inner Journey - Page Awards Finalist - Bluecat semi final
Grieving Spell - winner - London Film Awards.††Third - Honolulu
Ultimate Weapon - Fresh Voices - second place
IMDb link... http://www.imdb.com/name/nm7062725/?ref_=tt_ov_wr
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eldave1
Posted: June 12th, 2020, 5:05pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Reef Dreamer
Dave

This is an outstanding title and idea. Reminds me of `Brett`martins (electric dreamer) Clone Wife...the kind of concept that just made you sit up.

As those in the know say, itís Something you could see on billboards.

I hope to read, but as a starter, this is very sound.

All the best


Thanks, buddy


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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Sam
Posted: June 13th, 2020, 10:09am Report to Moderator
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Hey, I read up to page 40. Itís really well written and no technical issues.  
The action and dialogue are clean and I was never confused about where the characters were or what was happening.

For the most part I enjoyed the story and the relationship between the two characters. Iíve only read the setup and your goal is to get these two characters on the road and I felt at times the plot elements you used to make this happen felt a bit forced. What I mean is certain things felt a little coincidental for the sake of plot. The camper-van is donated to the church and it has to be driven across country and it has to be this nun to do itÖ

I also didnít get the impression that these were two characters who NEEDED to go on this journey. Kimberleyís life as a prostitute seems great. She doesnít seem to be doing it out of financial need or to compensate for an emotional weakness. I donít know what she wants. Itís the same for Theresa.
In Thelma and Louise we have a clear understanding of the characters before they set off. We know what their lives are like and itís obvious this trip is going to change them because we know they need to change.

I thought it was a bit strange that Kimberley works in a brothel. I live above a brothel and I had to go in once to fetch a parcel that our idiot postman left there and itís incredibly depressing and the women didnít speak much English. Kimberley seems more like an escort because she has an air of independence about her. Itís just something that stood out to me as a bit odd thatís all. These two woman are essentially products of their environments and by taking them out and putting them on the road we can see who they really are. At the moment they donít seem like products of their environments so taking them out of that has less impact.

Iím not sure if we need the police/phone plot but Iíve only read the start so I could be wrong. I feel like youíve got enough great stuff to work with without this story element.
One more thing Iíll mention is jokes. One thing professional comedy scripts have is jokes in every scene and in good comedies itís actually every line but you have the scene between Theresa and her father for instance with no jokes. Squeeze every bit of comedy out of your scenes.

I hope you find this constructive and remember Iím not even a fessional let alone a professional. These comments are all off of the back of a really good script. These are just some thoughts I had while reading. The set up is the part of the script I struggle with the most so Iím more sensitive to the start of scripts.


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eldave1
Posted: June 13th, 2020, 11:12am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Sam
Hey, I read up to page 40. Itís really well written and no technical issues.  
The action and dialogue are clean and I was never confused about where the characters were or what was happening.  


Hey, Sam - thanks a ton for the read and comments.


Quoted Text
For the most part I enjoyed the story and the relationship between the two characters. Iíve only read the setup and your goal is to get these two characters on the road and I felt at times the plot elements you used to make this happen felt a bit forced. What I mean is certain things felt a little coincidental for the sake of plot. The camper-van is donated to the church and it has to be driven across country and it has to be this nun to do itÖ


Don't agree here as given their divergent backgrounds they are only going to take that journey together through some set of odd circumstances. But I appreciate you view.


Quoted Text
I also didnít get the impression that these were two characters who NEEDED to go on this journey. Kimberleyís life as a prostitute seems great. She doesnít seem to be doing it out of financial need or to compensate for an emotional weakness. I donít know what she wants. Itís the same for Theresa.


The "need" for the journey wasn't important for me to for either character. Theresa is ordered, Kimberly goes on a whim. They don't need to travel per se - but they both need to determine what they are going to do with their lives.

I like your point on Kimberly though. I think I could use a little more "why now" for her given that she is relatively happy with her life.


Quoted Text
I thought it was a bit strange that Kimberley works in a brothel. I live above a brothel and I had to go in once to fetch a parcel that our idiot postman left there and itís incredibly depressing and the women didnít speak much English. Kimberley seems more like an escort because she has an air of independence about her. Itís just something that stood out to me as a bit odd thatís all. These two woman are essentially products of their environments and by taking them out and putting them on the road we can see who they really are. At the moment they donít seem like products of their environments so taking them out of that has less impact.


This isn't that kind of brothel. This is the high-end $500 to $1,000 a night kind - like the Emperor Club visited by Elliot Spitzer.


Quoted Text
Iím not sure if we need the police/phone plot but Iíve only read the start so I could be wrong. I feel like youíve got enough great stuff to work with without this story element.


It is a key element - it provides the need for the chase. That being said - it is worth re-examing of a chase is needed.


Quoted Text
One more thing Iíll mention is jokes. One thing professional comedy scripts have is jokes in every scene and in good comedies itís actually every line but you have the scene between Theresa and her father for instance with no jokes. Squeeze every bit of comedy out of your scenes.


Disagree here. Yeah, it some outright comedies you're right. But many comedies have serious, even tragic moments - I intend this to be in that category.


Quoted Text
I hope you find this constructive and remember Iím not even a fessional let alone a professional. These comments are all off of the back of a really good script. These are just some thoughts I had while reading. The set up is the part of the script I struggle with the most so Iím more sensitive to the start of scripts.


I did and thank you much for weighing in - much appreciated.


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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Sam
Posted: June 13th, 2020, 12:59pm Report to Moderator
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When I say NEED I mean more of an emotional need than a story need. Iím surprised to hear you say it wasnít important. For example does an uptight, naÔve nun learn to stop trying to control every aspect of her life and have more perspective and does a cynical, depressed prostitute learn to trust and find something worth living for? Thatís obviously a paint by numbers example and Iím an idiot for explaining that to you but I think the story would strengthen if you sharpened the edges around your characters.
My criticism seems pretty negative and I just want to say again, I really enjoyed reading it. Youíve really got something.

Because it is so strong I wasnít suggesting big changes but I thought some moments in the story could have had added weight if we had a clearer understanding of the characters early on. That was just my experience. It was more a case of making the good parts great.

I know what youíre saying about comedies having serious and tragic moments but those scenes are usually punctuated with a funny pay off.  Itís been a bit of an eye opener reading professional comedy scripts and realizing how many jokes are on a page. I donít mean gag after gag for cheap laughs but rather constructing comedy out of every scene. Youíre very good at constructing scenes. You know when to enter and when to leave and they flow nicely.

The scene with Theresa and her father isnít serious or tragic and I bet if you went back you could think of a comedic payoff. Itís about a man who sleeps with prostitutes having dinner with his daughter who is becoming a nun after all.

I had no idea those brothels existed. Thereís a whole world I never knew about. Thanks for the insight.
Anyway, youíre very talented and I learnt a lot from reading the opening so thank you.


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