Repetition by Sean Elwood (thedeadwalk2nite) - Short, Drama - A prisoner has to deal with the fact that he's going to have to go through grief, guilt, and anger every day of his life. - pdf, format

I really enjoyed this one a lot. It is the most original entry I've read yet!

Nylon was weirdly sympathetic. I really felt sorry for him, and the end of the script only amplyified my feelings for him. Strong development for the other characters did nothing but strengthen this script.

Format is spot on and as far as I can tell there are no typos.

The whole "This was great for one week" cliche won't cut it here. This script would be impressive if it took you two months to write. I seriously loved it that much.

Great job. I give it an A+

~Zack~

Best one i've read so far! By a mile! Story was great, descriptions were great, your characters were great!

I was into it pretty quickly, and nothing here let me down. Your ending was impressive too. Congratulations is an order here.


EDIT: i think i know who wrote this one.

This was a good one. Pretty original and I didn't think anybody would have thought of something like this. Nylon (interesting name) had some pretty interesting personalities...And the ending was good too. Didn't see that coming.

Well written and it fits the genre and theme well.

Sean

I have nothing to add but a "me too". A good idea, well-executed. Kudos.

I'll admit that I did guess the ending (just guess, I didn't know), but not until pretty far into it.

I have to give it an A+, which is the first top grade I've given so far. Well done.

Alright -- now here is somebody who brought something fresh to the party.  Groundhog Day from hell.  Even early on in the OWC, I can tell this one will probably be on my top five.

Such odd names.  Nylon?  These kind of clues might give the author away, as do certain stylistic clues.  I am about 80% sure I know who wrote this one.  And if I am wrong about that, I have a few backup guesses at hand.

For me, I would have tied the opening and ending V.O.s together a bit better.  They should echo each other more than they do.  And Caine’s expository section in the middle, repeating much of what we already know, could probably be shortened.

But those are minor nits, just as easily ignored as corrected.  Good ‘un.

OWC Score: 98%

This is good but it’s also a bit sick. Which I guess is what you were going for so well done.

I’ll admit to being a wimp when it comes to graphic violence so this one’s not for me.

I’m curious about how you’d want this filmed. It works well written out but it would be a difficult balance to film it without it being gruesomely horrible or comically stylized.

Some minor things: It doesn’t need the “you’re all me” explanation; It could use a better explanation of why he killed his family; Also it’s kind of weird that he apparently chooses whether or not he wants to go to hell.

Philip

Wow! You have a great little story here! My kinda thing. Story-wise, I liked this one a lot, but your writing style tended to slow the pace of the script more than one would want. Your descriptions are way too wordy and at times redundant. I got bored reading them.

Nylon's V.Os were excessive and, like the descriptions, also slowed the pace a tad too much. I was going to stop reading it, but thankfully, I didn't. I'm really glad I made it to the end. I thoroughly enjoyed your story, I just wasn't a fan of your writing.

I do not mean to insult you. I just think you descriptions could be more "to the point" so the story can flow better.

--Julio

Well that was neat.
Good story, nice flow so on this point I disagree with J.G., nothing in the dialog or text to jar you out of the story.

I thought this one was creative and unusual.  It had a bit too much dialogue and I thought it ran a bit long, but those two things are minor and can be easily corrected. The other issue I had was I didn’t really understand why you needed all the characters you had.  They weren’t other ghosts because they were so involved with his past, so he had to be a schizophrenic ghost – or perhaps they were his demons.  

Anyway, it wasn’t bad but it wasn’t one of my favourites either. I think it would make an interesting film. I’d give it an OPTION.    

Extremely creative. Like Philip it was too graphic for me, but the whole concept was bizarre and original. I thought it flowed really well.

I do agree with Bert about the beginning and ending VOs. When I got to the end I knew it was supposed to echo the beginning but it was a little off. I think it would be slightly creepier if they were exactly the same and for eternity nothing changes for Nylon.

Well done.

James

I found this to be a very good script.  It was a page turner from the beginning to the end.  The characters kept me interested and the ending was well written.

The only problem I had with this script is that it was too wordy, particularly when it comes to introducing your characters.  Here are three examples from your first page, followed with how the descriptions can be trimmed:

Quoted Text A man lays in the bottom bunk of the bunk beds, his eyes closed. He has short hair and a goatee, and is fairly skinny. This is NYLON (33).

NYLON (33) lays on the bottom bunk, eyes closed.  He has short
hair, a goatee and is fairly skinny.

Quoted Text Nylon opens his eyes and reveals the gray-blue eyes that he possesses.

Nylon opens his blue gray  eyes.

Quoted Text A man sits on the toilet on the other side of the cell, dressed in a prison jump suit. He slumps over, his head is against the wall. A thick liquid drips from his face. This is CAINE (3.

CAINE (3 sits slumped over on the cell's toilet, dressed in
a prison jump suit.  His head rests against the wall.  Thick
dark liquid drips from his face.


By tightening up the descriptions, I shaved three lines off the first page.  By doing this with every page, I could trim your script by an entire page.  By trimming a feature length script like this, you could easily shave ten pages from it.

When introducing a character, start with the name.  It doesn't matter if the other characters do not refer to him by the name.  The readers should know right away.

Other than your wordiness, you wrote a good script.


Phil

I liked this one, too...I would love to see them handle the special effects on this as stuff starts slithering back from whence it came...Bizarre, trippy but very effective...

This is probably the most original of the bunch I've read so far, which is always good. I liked the illustrations of the three parts of Nylon's subconscious. Really creepy stuff. They could've easily ended up all being the same but I think you gave each one an individual voice. My favorite thing about this one though was the fact that Nylon's living in both a physical and psychological prison. A double whammie. Brilliant.

Can't fault this one on much. I really thought it was great. I guess I would've liked to see some more action outside the prison cell. Another flashback or two perhaps. Not too important though and I'm not sure of the amount they would've added to the story. So overall, I'll say you did a good job at writing the script and a great job at making it stand out.

This was a really interesting read. Something fresh and original, intriguing and amusing, in a grotesque sort of way. You’ve got great characterizations, the dialogue flowed really nicely and your formatting was top notch. I loved the ending as well, loved its macabre sense of irony.

Don’t think I can really say much else that hasn’t been said already, so I’ll just wrap this up by saying this is one of my favourites from this batch so far. Really fresh and exciting. An incredibly enjoyable read. Quite the accomplishment, excellent work.


Matt.

I like it. I think it flowed really well. I don't see how the descriptions were too wordy. The only little thing I don't know about was Rayne and Ginger. I see how Caine was a part of Nylon's personality, but how where Rayne and Ginger? While they added different voices, I'm not sure if they fit.

Didn't see the "limbo" angle coming. I actually thought Caine was going to be the reall person and everyone else figment's of his imagination. Nice curveball.

Good show.

I liked this one.  Theme and genre were used well and the idea itself was interesting.  I think the descriptions were well done, it gave a lot to visualize.  I also liked how all these different personalities were different, from Caine to Rayne to Ginger.  The twist at the end also works.  It moved quickly and the story was unique.  Good job on this one.

this was a good entry, i have to echo everyone else. my only complaint was Caine's end rant was a little long and excessive but that's not a big deal. good story, excellent formatting, great work.

It sure is a repetiton, a repition to always re-read again. Enjoyed this very much espiecially the ending, a very Memento moment. I also like Caine's dialgoue where he went and back forth as Caine and Nylon. I think that was the final touch in bringing him to life. This reminded me of Phil's Dreams and Dust and Marble And J Gomez's tale (I forgot what it was called now, lol,) in all the characters you created. Not much to write about as negative. Another good work.  

Hope this helps,
Gabe

Not much more I can say, other than this was an interesting read. Nice work, very creative. You are very talented, keep this up!

-Michael K. Snyder

I really enjoyed this one too.

Only thing I can say is I didn't care for the little bit when he explains that they are simply bits of his imagination. We already know that and don't need him to tell us it, it's as if you don't think the reader is smart enough to pick up on this. You need to trust your readers.

I have no idea who wrote this yet at the same time it has a certain vague familiarity to it.  I'll be interested to know who it was.  I have a possible suspect in mind but it's purely a guess at this point.

This one was unconventional to say the least and definately reasonates more than any of the other entries I've read so far.  I could sort of see where this was going though and the ending was more of a downer than anything.  Maybe I was just hoping for a little redemption here.  

Who do Cain, Ginger and Rayne represent?  Are they each a different aspect of his psyche?  Are they simply his demons?  This might have been a little too cryptic for me to figure out.

My feelings are all over the map with this one.  Whoever you are you have one wild imagination.

-Mike

Although you used the theme well, I see this as being more horror than drama, due to the supernatural element. I had a little trouble feeling empathy for Nylon after what he did, even if he did feel bad about it. But all in all it was an interesting story with a satisfying ending.

This short was like a nylon rope in a kinky fashion... I just loved that line so much i had to use it in some way.

I liked it. The script was pointless and unintentionally funny and over the top with violence.

OWC rules blah blah blah sure it wasn't exactly a drama but who cares? If that's all you read for go someplace else.

The wife was a fairly unbelievable character. Her dialogue scene leaves a lot to be desired.

I felt that the story got a little weird when Caine begins talking as himself and Nylon and it never really explains why his name is nylon other than the fact that he killed his family that way and I don't remember too many famous killers nicknamed for what weapon they used.

Not a big deal. This was a fairly fun short and had moments but ultimately I was left wondering and confused? He relives eleven minutes for eternity? In one day he does the same thing over 200 times and unlike other stories following a similar criteria (Not on SS but ones made for tv and film) it's usually a longer period of time.

I think it is better when more happens.

This is of course my opinion and not an opinion shared by or associated with the moderators union.

Quoted from Old Time Wesley OWC rules blah blah blah sure it wasn't exactly a drama but who cares? If that's all you read for go someplace else.

As a person who pointed out that this wasn't a drama I feel compelled to reply to that comment. The point of the challenge was to try and write a new script within the designated genre, page number and theme, in one week. It makes sense that people would point it out if it didn't. Of course that doesn't mean that the script is a failure in its own right, it just means that it breached the criteria of the challenge. I also had a crack at writing for this challenge, but a few days out from the deadline my script had blown out to 16 pages and still wasn't finished, so I accepted that I'd failed the challenge. But I'll still finish the script and submit it to the short board at a later date.

Quoted from Takeshi As a person who pointed out that this wasn't a drama I feel compelled to reply to that comment. The point of the challenge was to try and write a new script within the designated genre, page number and theme, in one week. It makes sense that people would point it out if it didn't. Of course that doesn't mean that the script is a failure in its own right, it just means that it breached the criteria of the challenge. I also had a crack at writing for this challenge, but a few days out from the deadline my script had blown out to 16 pages and still wasn't finished, so I accepted that I'd failed the challenge. But I'll still finish the script and submit it to the short board at a later date.

The only thing I would say to this is that there may be some confusion as to what Drama is. Now I have always believed Drama not to be a genre, If I were to name a few Drama movies I could say.. FARGO, BE KIND REWIND, EVIL DEAD, BAMBI etc...

Drama is not a genre, Drama is the dramatization of a written piece, whether it is a play, a TV show or a movie, drama is just Drama. So Evil Dead is a horror Drama, Fargo is a thriller Drama etc..  Have a look at wikipedia.

So anyway, on to my review...

Not exactly my cup of tea but I still really enjoyed it, so that must mean it was written really well. The dialogue was really great, your characters really shone through and it got to the point where you did not need character headings anymore because it was obvious who was speaking. Really well done on that.

So all in all despite a style of story I never really enjoy I really enjoyed this, very clever and I can see this being produced in some way (probably toned down a little though).

I have already said in the 'who wrote what' thread who I think this is, If I am wrong would be really interested to see who did write this.

Very good job.

along with GM, i think Drama is a kind of vague 'genre' and includes lots of little sub-genres. I feel the same about Comedy, Horror and Action. This script may walk the thin line between horror and drama but it has plenty of dramatic elements to comply with the genre of the challenge.

I am very surprised by the amount of raves this script is getting. Certainly, it is original, but I knew since I saw the title what the twist ending was going to be.

I have to say, the idea of Rayne, a business man with knife-hands, seems like a twisted Agent Smith-Edward Scissorhands love child. When he wiped the tears away, and ended up slicing his cheeks, I actually had a "holy crap, this screenwriter is one sick son-of-a-gun," and that was before the machete even became involved.

The special effects capabilities and requirements this material calls for would make this the most disturbing short I ever watched. I'm NOT interested in seeing Caine's face put to film; I think I would probably vomit.

In the end, yes, I found it original. But I certainly don't place it on my favorites list. The dialogue works, the scene descriptions work fine, but consider a title change, simply because everyone I've asked guessed the ending correctly just by seeing it.

Hey everyone, Sean, the author, here:

Thanks, everyone, for taking time into reading my script and your criticism is greatly appreciated. I'm glad most of you enjoyed it.

For the descriptions being wordy, that's just a habit I have. Hard to break it.

For those a bit confused for why Caine, Rayne, and Ginger are in this...Caine, he's pretty much a demon, but can also be viewed as Nylon's sadistic/anger personality. Rayne is Nylon's sympathetic personality, and Ginger is Nylon's bravery/tough personality (even though it's female. I thought it'd give it some...how you say...pizazz?). And as for Nylon's name...obviously it's not his real name, but yeh, it's just his nickname (and you can tell why).

This whole deal about drama being a genre...I don't see how it can't be one, considering every single movie ever made has drama in it. You can't have horror, comedy, suspense, thriller, action, or romance without drama, and you can't have drama without the genres listed above (come on, we all know that if the guy cheats on the girl, it's "horrific" or horror ).

And sorry for the graphic scenes. With me being a horror buff, it's sort of a habit to have at least some gore in a script....maybe.

Thanks again for reading everyone!

Sean

awesome job, sean.
as a fellow horror buff, i'd love to read a full fledged horror script from you.
as soon as i get a chance, i'm going to check out 'quiet'
keep it up

This was a fantastic read, by far the best I've read out of all the chalanges. I thought I would check this out due to its hype, and I can see why. I've read things by you in the past Sean and have to say your writing has improved significantly. Your dialogue is spot on, descriptions great, format great. Use of voice over perfect. Only one suggestion which will seem trivial because I scouldn't find any errors throughout. He laughs maniacally, I think a word like manically would be good. Just a small silly thing. I'm into the whole english thing haha.

Great work