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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    February, 2008 One Week Challenge  ›  What You Did - OWC
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  Author    What You Did - OWC  (currently 3389 views)
Don
Posted: February 25th, 2008, 6:44pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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What You Did by Stephen Brown (stebrown) - Short, Drama - Buck is looking for a way out of his current nightmare but his crimes come back to haunt him. - pdf, format


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Revision History (2 edits; 1 reasons shown)
Don  -  March 8th, 2008, 3:58pm
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Pete B. Lane
Posted: February 25th, 2008, 10:11pm Report to Moderator
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Here's another very short script; but I believe this one, while flawed, shows a sincere effort.

The pedophile (I'm assuming - he did something to a child) getting his "just deserts" in prison is cliched though, so points off for that.

Overall, not too bad. C-
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BPeterson
Posted: February 25th, 2008, 10:25pm Report to Moderator
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this was a decent effort, simple and straightforward.

i'd lose the 'cut to' and 'cont'd's
also, the guard says 'tho' instead of 'though'
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pwhitcroft
Posted: February 25th, 2008, 11:07pm Report to Moderator
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It is well done and flows well. I like the what you did twist. It’s not your fault but the pedophile getting his comeuppance is starting to feel old!

Philip


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chism
Posted: February 26th, 2008, 4:03am Report to Moderator
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Not a lot of script to review here, but I did enjoy it. It flows very nicely, and was a quick read. Personally I would’ve liked it better if we had not found out what Buck had done on the outside. With the line “five years old” it’s kind of obvious. I think leaving it more ambiguous would’ve suited me better, but that’s just a personal thing.

Overall, a nice little script. Sharp, quick and to the point. Fits the genre/theme very well. A decent effort.


Matt.
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bert
Posted: February 26th, 2008, 8:29am Report to Moderator
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Another very quick one, but a decent effort for its length.

The flaw with this one is suspension of disbelief, and that concerns the guard backing out of the deal.  Not so much backing out of the deal, but the whole "thanks for the money" bit. For something this subversive, the guard could well end up in the neighboring cell, and he would not take that kind of chance.

The script would be improved, and not even that much longer, if the guard were to give him the same screw-job, but also refuse the money.

OWC Score: 75%


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The boy who could fly
Posted: February 26th, 2008, 11:28pm Report to Moderator
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This one fit the theme and genre well, it was short and simple, but it was also kind of empty, at least for me.  I did think it was a bit rushed, maybe two or three more pages would have helped flesh things out.  I did like how things ended, it was a neat little twist, and I think a little more with Buck and the Guard it would have been a little better, maybe if even Buck was in there for something minor like skimping on taxes, so when he gets screwed over at the end it be a little more twisted, probably the sick part of me would have liked that more.  Anyways this fit the challenge well and it moved quickly.


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Ariel
Posted: February 27th, 2008, 10:24am Report to Moderator
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I think maybe this is too short. So short that i wasnt able to connect or empathise with Buck. If i had, the end would've had more of an impact. It would've taken n twisted my own feelings. I think you need to manipulate the audience a little more.
The way it is i didnt feel anything.

I also agree with the boy who could fly tho...if it was just a minor offense, oh shite, it would be not only shocking, but moving as well.
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Dr. McPhearson
Posted: February 27th, 2008, 12:54pm Report to Moderator
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Nice enough effort, though I feel that, as some have said, the story of a criminal getting the wrong end of the lollipop is a tad overdone, even reminiscent in other OWC entries from the past (Bert's Lesbian western comes to mind).

Cut to the point, and even though the guard's sudden realization of Buck's crime seemed a tad shifted and out-of-place, you stuck to the  theme just fine.


PLEASE review my first SimplyScripts submission....

Re-Right (short comedy)
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greg
Posted: February 27th, 2008, 2:24pm Report to Moderator
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Like everyone else, I thought it was decent, but forgettable.  I think rather than going for something bold, you took the route of making another Rumsfeldian era guard as a main piece of the puzzle.  It seemed to follow a very basic formula for me and in the end I was thinking that I had read this before.  It was easy to read and to went quick, but unfortunately I don't think that those aspects really bring this one too far above the water.  So yeah, decent stuff, could be better.


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mcornetto
Posted: February 27th, 2008, 2:52pm Report to Moderator
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This one was short and to the point. It met the OWC brief and it wasn't badly written. I had some problems with the believability. First off, they wouldn't leave an offender of that nature in with the general population. Second, the guard would know what he was in for because he would be a risk.  Third, the guard would not take money for offing another prisoner.

I'm going to have to give this a REWRITE.
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James R
Posted: February 27th, 2008, 3:45pm Report to Moderator
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While I think this was a good effort, the story was lacking a little. It seems in the end that the one we should be rooting for is Big T? Buck is a pedophile, the guard more or less commits extortion and Big T is the one who punishes the sinner.

On page 1 you say the "top bulk" when maybe you meant bunk?

You should introduce the prison guard on page 1 when he first appears instead of page 2.

Buck laughs manically on page 2, maybe you meant "maniacally"?

Short and sweet, but no depth.

James


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Zombie Sean
Posted: February 28th, 2008, 6:21pm Report to Moderator
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Another short one. People have pretty much summed up what I thought about this script. Though, the police guard sort of angered me when he just stole the money. Sort of sounds like he made up the whole "I'll kill Big T for you" plan just so he could get some money.

Sean


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cybercelt
Posted: March 2nd, 2008, 9:16am Report to Moderator
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  This was well don, good flow and easy to read.
  Only point that jarred me was;

PRISON GUARD
There’s been a change of plan Buck.
I’ve just found out what you did.

  I could believe this from a con but it's difficult to think a Guard would not know what every inmate was in for, more so the ones who were notable.
  It was the only "huh?" moment in an otherwise good story.
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Zack
Posted: March 3rd, 2008, 1:01am Report to Moderator
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I liked this one too. It was just a solid all around effort. A very simple script.

Being as short as it is, there isn't much to review. I'll say that for it's length, you really developed Buck well. I got a good feel for his character.

Other's have already pointed out hte believability issues, so I won't say much about that. All I'll say is that the minor 'disbeliefs' I had didn't really take me out of the script and weaken my experience.

Overall, I enjoyed it. Good job.

I'll give it a B

~Zack~


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