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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    February 2011 One Week Challenge  ›  The White Women - Feb 2011 OWC Moderators: Grandma Bear
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  Author    The White Women - Feb 2011 OWC  (currently 6254 views)
wonkavite
Posted: March 1st, 2011, 8:45pm Report to Moderator
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*Spoilers*

Best part of this one: the strong Scottish feel to the characters and the dialogue.

Like with many of the scripts in this OWC, I felt that the weakest link was the ending.  When was Alec wounded?  How did it happen?  (The 'who' portion is obvious - but that's an area of the story that cries out for detail - as opposed to happening 'off screen'.) It cut the narrative short, and took away the power of the last few pages.  Flesh that part out...please...!

Cheers,

WV
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khamanna
Posted: March 2nd, 2011, 2:15pm Report to Moderator
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Reads like a horrific fairy tale - I enjoyed it thanks.

The tale of White Women and how men dance with them and get succumbed to their charms and get killed is a nice one. HOwever, I don't think that "give pleasures" is what a mother should talk about with a 7 year old.

I imagine it would make a great animation.
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_ghostwriters
Posted: March 3rd, 2011, 3:30am Report to Moderator
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Definitely one of the more visual scripts in the bunch.  For the most part I thought your story was strong, well told, and have to mimic the others, the dialogue was pretty darn good.  I wished the ending was much stronger though.

But I liked it a lot, just my two cents.  So congrats...

Ghost


"When I dive... I go deep, only to surface the hub when necessary."

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Baltis.
Posted: March 3rd, 2011, 4:31am Report to Moderator
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Clearly rushed to meet deadline -- I say this because there are no spaces involved here.  It's all crammed together and page 9 is missing too much content to count.  Surly it could've been cut down to 8 pages or extended to 10 with a little more time.

The 1st scene header slug is longer than a baby's arm.  Yikes!

The entire script read like a pocket sized Torah... It was literally jam packed with information.  Paging page 6!  Paging page 6, you've got a telephone call at the front desk.

The thing about this script is this, had it been written using

one space after the Slugs

&

one space after the flashbacks


it would've at least made it halfway down page 9.  Easily.

But that's all technical junk that matters little to the big picture here.  Why?  Because this was to be written in a week and there is good indication leading me to believe it was written in mere hours.

I know the writer, given how visual everything here is, is capable of writing a clever script.  It shows in the story telling and the attention to detail and dialogue.  Some of the best dialogue I've read in the OWC is right here in this script.  This and "Them That's Dead" both harbor very believable dialect.

The story here is water opposed to wine -- It depends on how thirsty I am.  I liked it, don't get me wrong.  I just didn't find there to be much more to explore past what you've given us.  And that can be both good and bad.  

Good that you got in and said what you had to say and showed what you had to show.

Bad that there is absolutely nothing left to squeeze out of this story or these characters.

It's a give or take, but an interesting read.  I'd lobby it in the best 3 that I myself have read.

(on a side note) I found it crazy that you, whoever you are, chose to tell a story to a child because that is the direction mine took.  In fact, my whole entry was originally centered around a fairytale -- It was only until I got to cracking it out did I realize it wasn't going to work for the OWC.

Anywell, best of luck to ya in this comp.
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Pard
Posted: March 3rd, 2011, 10:39am Report to Moderator
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Certainly well written but didn't quite sit right with me.  I didn't buy into a seemingly loving mother telling her daughter a story like that.  The ending was also a bit abrupt.  I was a bit confused by the story - Is the father returning home from the hunting trip shown in the flashback, or is he returning home from a different trip?
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bert
Posted: March 3rd, 2011, 3:06pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Grandma Bear
Maybe there's a way you can have Ina tell a glorified story of her husband while we the audience get to see the true dirtier version.


What a great idea.

Mom speaking euphemistically to her daughter while we get "the rest of the story".

This is exactly what this story needs, author.  Do this, fix the hiccups at the end, and you've got a very nice piece here.


Hey, it's my tiny, little IMDb!
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khamanna
Posted: March 3rd, 2011, 3:11pm Report to Moderator
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This is a great idea. Though I was sure this is exactly what happened in the script - that's why I loved it.
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leitskev
Posted: March 3rd, 2011, 3:29pm Report to Moderator
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For me, there is no clear cut winner in this challenge, and there are maybe 10 scripts I wouldn't vote off the island yet. I want to see how the authors address questions raised and make appropriate adjustments. This is one that would be in play.

I like the solution you guys have found for the first objection, like it a lot. The mother tells a g rated story while we see the real one. Bravo, a beautiful idea! Not a huge challenge for the writer either, but will take a little skill to pull off. This writer seems to have the skill, I look forward to seeing the result, if the writer goes that route.

The ending has to be addressed. The writer probably has something in mind, maybe ran out of time. It just does not really make clear why this guy comes home and acts the way he does.

I am also not sure how I feel about the fairy killing the husband in that way. It's unique, and I can't decide if it's really cool, or just the writer running out of an idea. I don't think there is a basis in myth for these ethereal creatures flying like a superbird through the heart of it's target. Definitely a bad a$$ fairy!

I will read anyone's rewrite, but this is one I will look forward to, see how it plays out.
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keaton01
Posted: March 3rd, 2011, 9:46pm Report to Moderator
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Your formatting flaws threw me off from the start, which isn't good when you have a good story. I can't tell if this is legit accented dialog, but a good job overall.


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greg
Posted: March 4th, 2011, 12:26am Report to Moderator
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This was good.  

I'm not sure why, but I think this is one of my favorites.  I thought it had genuinely creepy elements to it and IMO used the flashbacks effectively enough to convey the story.  A lot of characters - I think you can merge two of Alec's guys - but not too challenging to follow.

Overall good job.

Greg


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mcornetto
Posted: March 4th, 2011, 1:29am Report to Moderator
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I'm kind of in two minds about this one.  On the one hand it's got this fantastic dark fairytale quality to it and a pretty Scottish feel to the dialogue.   On the other hand the set up is a bit cliche with the grandmother telling a fairy tale and the dialogue seems a bit formal and unnatural.  That isn't to say I didn't like it, I did, well I did until the ending.  The ending didn't work for me.

I think what might have been better would be to have the fairys tell the story, they could even do it with magic.  It is a fairy tale after all.

As far as production goes there's a few effects that shouldn't be much of an issue or cost much.  I think the hardest problem you would have would be to get actors to say the lines the way they are written.   Other then that there's brief nudity and it is difficult to find actors who will agree with that and you usually end up having to pay them something.  

    
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leitskev
Posted: March 4th, 2011, 7:17pm Report to Moderator
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When can the authors comment on these? This is one of 3 scripts that I really want to hear the writer's thoughts. Bert helped us work out how the story is told to the kid in rated G form, while we see on screen the real, rated R, version. Brilliant! Seems to have been in the script anyway, and I missed it. Could be pulled off a little clearer, but I love the concept.

The ending with the father needs to be expanded. A page or two would definitely do it. We just need to know why the father comes home the way he does. Is he possessed? Is his soul simply corrupted from his encounter with the creatures? He had resisted the corruptive influence of carnal desire that had destroyed the other men for a long time; did this have a corrosive effect on him?

Also, the request for these stories was for something thematic. I think that is missing here, but could easily be grafted on to it with a little more work, page or two. I think it all would hinge on why the father destroys his family.

I would start with a simple question: out of all those men who fell to the creature/women, why did it take so long for him to fall? It seems he had some religious conviction. Or maybe that was just on the surface, masking something else. When that question is answered, why he destroys his family will probably be clear. When a man murders his own family, there should be some kind of moral to the story. Maybe his religious convictions were not built on love or compassion, but on a veneer of arrogance. His religious beliefs gave him a sense of superiority, so it was all about his ego. Once it crashed, once the creatures penetrated it, there was not enough love to protect his family.

I think this is one of several scripts that should make it to the next round. I want to see how it matures.
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Scar Tissue Films
Posted: March 5th, 2011, 4:38am Report to Moderator
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Pros

Wonderful effort, with a rich story and evocative writing.

Fairly gripping narrative, even taking into account the interuptions provided by the flashbacks.

Cons

Think the weaknesses have been mentioned by others. The ending was something of an anti-climax and the "get out of jail free card" provided by the fairy instantly undid the tension and the horror.

Leitskev also makes a valid point about why the father finally fell...that's the theme that you need to work with and expand upon.

Overall a sterling attempt which would even make for a fine tale in a prose anthology.
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RayW
Posted: March 5th, 2011, 11:52pm Report to Moderator
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Meh.



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RayW
Posted: March 5th, 2011, 11:54pm Report to Moderator
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LOL!
Just effin' witcha, Gene!
Jeff! Jeff! (Note to self: get that straight)

Dude?!
WTH kinda bedtime stories go on in your house?!
LOL!

Look forward to some more of your work like this.


Ray



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