SimplyScripts Discussion Board
Blog Home - Produced Movie Script Library - TV Scripts - Unproduced Scripts - Contact - Site Map
ScriptSearch
Welcome, Guest.
It is March 31st, 2020, 1:17am
Please login or register.
Was PortalRecent PostsHome Help Calendar Search Register Login
If you wish to join this discussion board, please send me a message. Please do read the guidelines that govern behavior on the discussion board. It will make for a much more pleasant experience for everyone. A word about SimplyScripts and Censorship


Scripts Studios are posting for 2019 - 2020 award consideration

The Se7en Week Challenge script are due to March 2020 Challenge page by April 20th at midnight (edt)

Short Script of the Day | Featured Script of the Month | Featured Short Scripts Available for Production | Submit Your Script

How do I get my film's link and banner here?
All screenplays on the simplyscripts.com and simplyscripts.net domain are copyrighted to their respective authors. All rights reserved. This screenplaymay not be used or reproduced for any purpose including educational purposes without the expressed written permission of the author.
Forum Login
Username: Create a new Account
Password:     Forgot Password

SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    February 2011 One Week Challenge  ›  The White Women - Feb 2011 OWC Moderators: Grandma Bear
Users Browsing Forum
No Members and 1 Guests

 Pages: 1, 2, 3, 4 : All
Recommend Print
  Author    The White Women - Feb 2011 OWC  (currently 6253 views)
Don
Posted: February 26th, 2011, 12:05pm Report to Moderator
Administrator
Administrator


So, what are you writing?

Location
Virginia
Posts
13548
Posts Per Day
1.93
The White Women by Vasili Blokhin - Short - Sometimes old myths are more than just old myths

A February 2011 One Week Challenge script. - pdf, format


Visit SimplyScripts.com for what is new on the site.


-------------
You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky
Logged
Site Private Message
bert
Posted: February 28th, 2011, 7:01pm Report to Moderator
God of the SimplyScriptsVerse


Buy the ticket, take the ride

Location
That's me in the corner
Posts
4134
Posts Per Day
0.76
There seem to be several stories going on here, and frankly, too many characters whose names begin with the letter A.

The fairy and bedtime flashback are effective, though two pages might be a bit much for it, and the tale of the men is interwoven well into the exchanges between the mother and daughter.

But the wheels sort of come off when Alec arrives home.  There is no explanation or context for what happens next, and it is a bit inexplicable given the tale Ina shared with her daughter.

Looking back, I see the tiniest hint of foreshadowing in the first exchange between Arabel and her little friend, and perhaps it is there you can expand a bit more, making things a bit more explicit so that what happens later actually makes sense.

In fact, my guess is that the author was rushing and something vital was cut from this tale.


Hey, it's my tiny, little IMDb!
Logged
Private Message Reply: 1 - 57
RayW
Posted: February 28th, 2011, 7:59pm Report to Moderator
Old Timer


Freedom

Location
About a thousand years from now.
Posts
1823
Posts Per Day
0.51
Hi, Vasili

Well... I like it, but it's broken up something unnatural.

Even back in the olden times, when life was much more tough, mithers and fithers likely did not tell their seven year old stories of their father's lusty antics with women - real or magical.

I'm not real clear on why dad came home freaky and bloody.
Don't know why mom's on the spit.
Don't know why all the little fairies are keeping Arabel safe that night. Surely that unnatural glow will bring unwanted attention the child's way.

It's all good. Just disjointed. A mosaic.
Good style, though.  



Logged
Private Message Reply: 2 - 57
stevie
Posted: February 28th, 2011, 8:31pm Report to Moderator
Old Timer



Location
Down Under
Posts
3162
Posts Per Day
0.76
A well-constructed tale of ancient myth.

The use of the language of the times made it more authentic and wasn't confusing(as some can be).

The imagery of the sith was nice - I remember reading a tale of them attacking hunters within the circle of horses - good scene that.

Very strong writing and formatting. Like Bert and Ray ,i was a liitle confused about Alec's bit at the end. I think i got a vague grasp but it needs to underline more.

Nice effort and one of the better ones of theis OWC for me.


Logged
Private Message Reply: 3 - 57
leitskev
Posted: February 28th, 2011, 8:59pm Report to Moderator
Old Timer


Posts
3104
Posts Per Day
0.91
The writing is so well done here, not just technically but in terms of imagery and dialogue...that I am a little disappointed in the story. I probably am missing something and I very much look forward to have this gap in my understanding filled.

First, a mother is telling her 7 yr old daughter a story about an adventure of her father's, one she has told before. And it involves a telling of the sexual desires and even boasts of the men with him on the trip? A boast about the size of his manhood?

But then moving on, I've read this twice and I am obviously missing a big element. The mother's tale of the father's adventure was something that happened years ago. I don't understand the connection to what happens. ---I just read a third time, still cannot figure out what happened to Alec, why he went the way he did. Driving me crazy! Is there another chapter?
Logged
Private Message Reply: 4 - 57
Ledbetter
Posted: February 28th, 2011, 9:04pm Report to Moderator
Guest User



I'm with Stevie on this one. A very well written script.

The period language was spot on and added to the authentisity.  

The multi -A names were a bit off putting but that's an easy fix.

Great job!

Shawn.....><
Logged
e-mail Reply: 5 - 57
Ryan1
Posted: February 28th, 2011, 9:26pm Report to Moderator
Old Timer



Posts
1101
Posts Per Day
0.30
This script had some great visual elements.   The little faeirie talking to the girl, and then certain parts of the hunting trip to the north shores were done well.  But, it's hard to imagine a mother telling a little girl a bedtime story where a guy brags about the size of his wang.  That line spoiled a lot of the dreamy quality of the piece up until that point.

I think I understand that final scene, where Dad comes back and he's finally succumbed to the Sith.  Although, I didn't get why he had to roast his wife.  A few too many missing parts in that last sequence.

This script did a good job of evoking Celtic imagery.  Nice work for one week.

Revision History (1 edits)
Ryan1  -  March 1st, 2011, 8:04pm
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 6 - 57
BryMo
Posted: February 28th, 2011, 9:43pm Report to Moderator
Been around a while



Location
Orlando
Posts
217
Posts Per Day
0.05
You have a niche for writing dialogue of this time period. Actually, you have a niche for writing. Period.

This is undoubtedly my favorite and I am glad to have read it. Thank you.


Shorts:
Good Golly Miss Molly
No Place Like Home
New Moon Rising
Yuno - BRAND-*SPANKIN*-NEW!
The Ballad of Uncle Sam: An Anarchists Melody
Toy Soldier
This Modern Love
A Virgin State of Mind

A GUIDE TO MY LITERARY BABIES
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 7 - 57
dn061903
Posted: March 1st, 2011, 9:02am Report to Moderator
New-ish


Posts
16
Posts Per Day
0.00
This one seemed a bit scattered to me.  There was the fairy and then the story about the Dad and his buddies getting it on with the four women.  

imo, it would've been cool to perhaps concentrate on one of the angles, as opposed to combining them.

Story is well written and has potential.  Just didn't do it for me.
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 8 - 57
c m hall
Posted: March 1st, 2011, 9:09am Report to Moderator
Been around a while



Location
peninsula of Jersey
Posts
422
Posts Per Day
0.11
SPOILERS and some whining.

The writing is very good, the story is poorly developed, in my opinion.  There's a difference between building tension and outright manipulation of the audience -- that's what happens in this script, I think, the mother's tale is brutal, she knows it, the child knows it, and they also know that the father is out there again, in harm's way.  Also, they both believe that the tale is true -- that's the part that makes it seem manipulated, to me -- I find it difficult to believe that a community with wives, mothers, sisters, aunts, would not devise something that would counteract the spell that those White Women cast on the men... sure they're good men, but why send them into temptation without a totem, or camphor or some kind of anaphrodisiac. The community would not have survied to see a second generation.
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 9 - 57
Sandra Elstree.
Posted: March 1st, 2011, 10:02am Report to Moderator
Old Timer


What if the Hokey Pokey, IS what it's all about?

Location
Bowden, Alberta
Posts
3675
Posts Per Day
0.80
This was mostly well written, but there were things in it that bothered me as it moved along.

The talk of the seal hunt and the girl asking "Why do they need to kill the seals? They're so cute" and the mother replying "We need them to survive. It's just the way it is."

Since she's apparently heard the story many times before, I would think she'd already asked that question. Also, when the story was told, I thought, wha? She's telling this to a little girl? And tons of times to boot? It seemed out there given that everything else seemed set up as a children's story.

The end seems to come out of the blue. Really, I think it ruined the whole thing. We're not really left with anything. Her parents are dead and that's it.

For this one, if you can just work out some kind of balance and make it a little more logical and meaningful, I think it will be a solid piece of work.

Also, I think a writer needs to be careful about inserting "issues" like the seal hunt stuff into scripts where they don't belong. If it's part of a greater theme, then yes, alright. Otherwise, it feels wrong and forced.

Sandra




A known mistake is better than an unknown truth.
Logged Offline
Site Private Message Reply: 10 - 57
grademan
Posted: March 1st, 2011, 4:19pm Report to Moderator
Regular



Location
Wisconsin
Posts
877
Posts Per Day
0.22
THE WHITE WOMAN * I was hooked on this from fade in * questions: did the other three men come home? was ina a fool for believing her husband would come home? If the fairy knew what happened, did ane know? * dual story lines didnít bother me * one of the better entries
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 11 - 57
Electric Dreamer
Posted: March 1st, 2011, 7:21pm Report to Moderator
Old Timer


Taking a long vacation from the holidays.

Location
Los Angeles
Posts
2747
Posts Per Day
0.79
An effective set up derailed by a vague conclusion.
You nailed the atmosphere for the most part.
A schlong joke in the kid's bedtime story? Really? Mood killer.
If the wee lass knew daddy was in trouble, why was she so sedate about it?
The language worked for the most part, but the Fither Mither stuff grated over time.
You have a way with imagery, a conclusion polish we help here. Thanks for playing.

E.D.


LATEST NEWS

CineVita Films
is producing a short based on my new feature!

A list of my scripts can be found here.
Logged
Private Message Reply: 12 - 57
jwent6688
Posted: March 1st, 2011, 7:36pm Report to Moderator
Old Timer


Wherever I go, there Jwent.

Posts
1705
Posts Per Day
0.41
Gonna have to admire the writing. Very well done with some great visuals. Double space those slugs though. It looks cluttered.

I think the fact that you chose to tell this through a flashback took away your ability to build tension or add to the eeriness of this legend. It needs more pages for that.

I liked the dialogue alot, very real, but the characters started to sound the same to me. That may just be because I'm unfamiliar with this tongue a bit. I understand it, I just couldn't write it.

Other than that, i liked this story.

Good job writing a script in a week...

James


Logged
Private Message Reply: 13 - 57
James McClung
Posted: March 1st, 2011, 7:56pm Report to Moderator
Old Timer



Location
Washington, D.C.
Posts
3333
Posts Per Day
0.63
Eh. I suppose by most standards, it's "good" but, even being the first script I've read, I can't imagine it'll stand out from the crowd all that much. The period appropriate dialogue was a nice touch but I'm sure it's not the only entry to boast that. The actual encounter with the Sith was pretty generic, albeit not without atmosphere, and the end just felt like the token twist tacked on the end of pretty much every short out there. I really can't rag on it for anything especially poor but I think this one pretty much suffered from being overly adequate. Too modest, really.  The title was good though. The reason I picked it out of the bunch. Good job, I suppose. Certainly didn't feel rushed or sport any real problems which are usually the byproduct of one week's work.


Logged
Private Message Reply: 14 - 57
wonkavite
Posted: March 1st, 2011, 8:45pm Report to Moderator
Guest User



*Spoilers*

Best part of this one: the strong Scottish feel to the characters and the dialogue.

Like with many of the scripts in this OWC, I felt that the weakest link was the ending.  When was Alec wounded?  How did it happen?  (The 'who' portion is obvious - but that's an area of the story that cries out for detail - as opposed to happening 'off screen'.) It cut the narrative short, and took away the power of the last few pages.  Flesh that part out...please...!

Cheers,

WV
Logged
e-mail Reply: 15 - 57
khamanna
Posted: March 2nd, 2011, 2:15pm Report to Moderator
Old Timer



Posts
3276
Posts Per Day
0.85
Reads like a horrific fairy tale - I enjoyed it thanks.

The tale of White Women and how men dance with them and get succumbed to their charms and get killed is a nice one. HOwever, I don't think that "give pleasures" is what a mother should talk about with a 7 year old.

I imagine it would make a great animation.
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 16 - 57
_ghostwriters
Posted: March 3rd, 2011, 3:30am Report to Moderator
Regular


I am a writer first and a critic second.

Location
A helluva long way from LA
Posts
958
Posts Per Day
0.24
Definitely one of the more visual scripts in the bunch.  For the most part I thought your story was strong, well told, and have to mimic the others, the dialogue was pretty darn good.  I wished the ending was much stronger though.

But I liked it a lot, just my two cents.  So congrats...

Ghost


"When I dive... I go deep, only to surface the hub when necessary."

Logged
Private Message Reply: 17 - 57
Baltis.
Posted: March 3rd, 2011, 4:31am Report to Moderator
Guest User



Clearly rushed to meet deadline -- I say this because there are no spaces involved here.  It's all crammed together and page 9 is missing too much content to count.  Surly it could've been cut down to 8 pages or extended to 10 with a little more time.

The 1st scene header slug is longer than a baby's arm.  Yikes!

The entire script read like a pocket sized Torah... It was literally jam packed with information.  Paging page 6!  Paging page 6, you've got a telephone call at the front desk.

The thing about this script is this, had it been written using

one space after the Slugs

&

one space after the flashbacks


it would've at least made it halfway down page 9.  Easily.

But that's all technical junk that matters little to the big picture here.  Why?  Because this was to be written in a week and there is good indication leading me to believe it was written in mere hours.

I know the writer, given how visual everything here is, is capable of writing a clever script.  It shows in the story telling and the attention to detail and dialogue.  Some of the best dialogue I've read in the OWC is right here in this script.  This and "Them That's Dead" both harbor very believable dialect.

The story here is water opposed to wine -- It depends on how thirsty I am.  I liked it, don't get me wrong.  I just didn't find there to be much more to explore past what you've given us.  And that can be both good and bad.  

Good that you got in and said what you had to say and showed what you had to show.

Bad that there is absolutely nothing left to squeeze out of this story or these characters.

It's a give or take, but an interesting read.  I'd lobby it in the best 3 that I myself have read.

(on a side note) I found it crazy that you, whoever you are, chose to tell a story to a child because that is the direction mine took.  In fact, my whole entry was originally centered around a fairytale -- It was only until I got to cracking it out did I realize it wasn't going to work for the OWC.

Anywell, best of luck to ya in this comp.
Logged
e-mail Reply: 18 - 57
Pard
Posted: March 3rd, 2011, 10:39am Report to Moderator
Been around a while


Posts
106
Posts Per Day
0.02
Certainly well written but didn't quite sit right with me.  I didn't buy into a seemingly loving mother telling her daughter a story like that.  The ending was also a bit abrupt.  I was a bit confused by the story - Is the father returning home from the hunting trip shown in the flashback, or is he returning home from a different trip?
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 19 - 57
bert
Posted: March 3rd, 2011, 3:06pm Report to Moderator
God of the SimplyScriptsVerse


Buy the ticket, take the ride

Location
That's me in the corner
Posts
4134
Posts Per Day
0.76

Quoted from Grandma Bear
Maybe there's a way you can have Ina tell a glorified story of her husband while we the audience get to see the true dirtier version.


What a great idea.

Mom speaking euphemistically to her daughter while we get "the rest of the story".

This is exactly what this story needs, author.  Do this, fix the hiccups at the end, and you've got a very nice piece here.


Hey, it's my tiny, little IMDb!
Logged
Private Message Reply: 20 - 57
khamanna
Posted: March 3rd, 2011, 3:11pm Report to Moderator
Old Timer



Posts
3276
Posts Per Day
0.85
This is a great idea. Though I was sure this is exactly what happened in the script - that's why I loved it.
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 21 - 57
leitskev
Posted: March 3rd, 2011, 3:29pm Report to Moderator
Old Timer


Posts
3104
Posts Per Day
0.91
For me, there is no clear cut winner in this challenge, and there are maybe 10 scripts I wouldn't vote off the island yet. I want to see how the authors address questions raised and make appropriate adjustments. This is one that would be in play.

I like the solution you guys have found for the first objection, like it a lot. The mother tells a g rated story while we see the real one. Bravo, a beautiful idea! Not a huge challenge for the writer either, but will take a little skill to pull off. This writer seems to have the skill, I look forward to seeing the result, if the writer goes that route.

The ending has to be addressed. The writer probably has something in mind, maybe ran out of time. It just does not really make clear why this guy comes home and acts the way he does.

I am also not sure how I feel about the fairy killing the husband in that way. It's unique, and I can't decide if it's really cool, or just the writer running out of an idea. I don't think there is a basis in myth for these ethereal creatures flying like a superbird through the heart of it's target. Definitely a bad a$$ fairy!

I will read anyone's rewrite, but this is one I will look forward to, see how it plays out.
Logged
Private Message Reply: 22 - 57
keaton01
Posted: March 3rd, 2011, 9:46pm Report to Moderator
New-ish



Posts
82
Posts Per Day
0.02
Your formatting flaws threw me off from the start, which isn't good when you have a good story. I can't tell if this is legit accented dialog, but a good job overall.


Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 23 - 57
greg
Posted: March 4th, 2011, 12:26am Report to Moderator
Old Timer


Oh Hi

Location
San Diego, California
Posts
1721
Posts Per Day
0.32
This was good.  

I'm not sure why, but I think this is one of my favorites.  I thought it had genuinely creepy elements to it and IMO used the flashbacks effectively enough to convey the story.  A lot of characters - I think you can merge two of Alec's guys - but not too challenging to follow.

Overall good job.

Greg


Logged
Site Private Message Reply: 24 - 57
mcornetto
Posted: March 4th, 2011, 1:29am Report to Moderator
Guest User



I'm kind of in two minds about this one.  On the one hand it's got this fantastic dark fairytale quality to it and a pretty Scottish feel to the dialogue.   On the other hand the set up is a bit cliche with the grandmother telling a fairy tale and the dialogue seems a bit formal and unnatural.  That isn't to say I didn't like it, I did, well I did until the ending.  The ending didn't work for me.

I think what might have been better would be to have the fairys tell the story, they could even do it with magic.  It is a fairy tale after all.

As far as production goes there's a few effects that shouldn't be much of an issue or cost much.  I think the hardest problem you would have would be to get actors to say the lines the way they are written.   Other then that there's brief nudity and it is difficult to find actors who will agree with that and you usually end up having to pay them something.  

    
Logged
e-mail Reply: 25 - 57
leitskev
Posted: March 4th, 2011, 7:17pm Report to Moderator
Old Timer


Posts
3104
Posts Per Day
0.91
When can the authors comment on these? This is one of 3 scripts that I really want to hear the writer's thoughts. Bert helped us work out how the story is told to the kid in rated G form, while we see on screen the real, rated R, version. Brilliant! Seems to have been in the script anyway, and I missed it. Could be pulled off a little clearer, but I love the concept.

The ending with the father needs to be expanded. A page or two would definitely do it. We just need to know why the father comes home the way he does. Is he possessed? Is his soul simply corrupted from his encounter with the creatures? He had resisted the corruptive influence of carnal desire that had destroyed the other men for a long time; did this have a corrosive effect on him?

Also, the request for these stories was for something thematic. I think that is missing here, but could easily be grafted on to it with a little more work, page or two. I think it all would hinge on why the father destroys his family.

I would start with a simple question: out of all those men who fell to the creature/women, why did it take so long for him to fall? It seems he had some religious conviction. Or maybe that was just on the surface, masking something else. When that question is answered, why he destroys his family will probably be clear. When a man murders his own family, there should be some kind of moral to the story. Maybe his religious convictions were not built on love or compassion, but on a veneer of arrogance. His religious beliefs gave him a sense of superiority, so it was all about his ego. Once it crashed, once the creatures penetrated it, there was not enough love to protect his family.

I think this is one of several scripts that should make it to the next round. I want to see how it matures.
Logged
Private Message Reply: 26 - 57
Scar Tissue Films
Posted: March 5th, 2011, 4:38am Report to Moderator
OWC Moderator


Posts
3400
Posts Per Day
0.87
Pros

Wonderful effort, with a rich story and evocative writing.

Fairly gripping narrative, even taking into account the interuptions provided by the flashbacks.

Cons

Think the weaknesses have been mentioned by others. The ending was something of an anti-climax and the "get out of jail free card" provided by the fairy instantly undid the tension and the horror.

Leitskev also makes a valid point about why the father finally fell...that's the theme that you need to work with and expand upon.

Overall a sterling attempt which would even make for a fine tale in a prose anthology.
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 27 - 57
RayW
Posted: March 5th, 2011, 11:52pm Report to Moderator
Old Timer


Freedom

Location
About a thousand years from now.
Posts
1823
Posts Per Day
0.51
Meh.



Logged
Private Message Reply: 28 - 57
RayW
Posted: March 5th, 2011, 11:54pm Report to Moderator
Old Timer


Freedom

Location
About a thousand years from now.
Posts
1823
Posts Per Day
0.51
LOL!
Just effin' witcha, Gene!
Jeff! Jeff! (Note to self: get that straight)

Dude?!
WTH kinda bedtime stories go on in your house?!
LOL!

Look forward to some more of your work like this.


Ray



Logged
Private Message Reply: 29 - 57
screenrider
Posted: March 6th, 2011, 1:25am Report to Moderator
Guest User



This was an impressive peice of work, Jeff.   As you're a tough critic I went into it with a bias attitude thinking I might be able to give you some of your own medicine.   No such luck!

Good job.
Logged
e-mail Reply: 30 - 57
Scar Tissue Films
Posted: March 6th, 2011, 5:24am Report to Moderator
OWC Moderator


Posts
3400
Posts Per Day
0.87
Never would have had you pinned for this one Jeff.

There's a side to your writing that I've not seen before. Thought you captured the fairy tale mood perfectly.

Good job.
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 31 - 57
Dreamscale
Posted: March 6th, 2011, 12:56pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


Yes, that is my real hair...

Location
Cave Creek, AZ
Posts
11134
Posts Per Day
2.47
Hey everybody, much thanks to all who read and provided feedback on my script.  I appreciate it very much.

As opposed to individually responding to everyone, I'm simply going to let you all know how this went down, a few tidbits of info you may not be aware of, and some general comments about what's missing and what will be included in the soon to follow repost.

As some of you know, I just went through a big relocation from Seattle to Phoenix.  I also just started working in an office again, so my lifestyle has done a complete 180...but I'm pretty sure it needed to..

Basically, this wonderful challenge came at a bad time for me, but no way was I going to miss out on it.  When the challenge parameters were released, I was very happy, as horror is my thang, and the open endedness of it, was really cool.  I really didn't have a chance to think about it much until Sunday, and that's when I realized this was going to be quite difficult with all the exact myths involved.

BIG THANKS to RAY for taking the time and effort of providing those very useful summaries and links on all the creatures and myths.  Without them, I would have been in big trouble.

So, I started thinking about potential stories, without really thinking about what myth I was going to use, as I just had so much going on, and it was the kind of stuff that I needed to do to get settled in my new place...and was way easier than doing research for this OWC.

Days kept passing and time kept ticking away.  By Thursday, I was pretty sure I liked my setup (a story being told by a mother to her child), but still hadn't done any research on the myths or where it would take place.  Thursday night, I narrowed it down to 1 of 6 myths that seemed to be similar, in terms of how I could work with them.  I think it came down to those pesky old sea witches, the sirens, Leanan Sidhe, Baobhan Sith, Selkie, and Gwragedd Annwn.  The Baobhan Sith seemed to work out best for what I was thinking.

Friday afternoon at work, I had a chance to do some research, so I found and printed out all I could, including Scottish names, Scottish dialect and words, Scottish history, Geography, and really all things Scottish.  I looked this stuff over while still at work, but still really didn't have much put together very soundly in my old nogin yet.

Got home with about 5 hours until deadline.  Spent the first going over my research and trying to pre-write in my head, while slamming down vodka, and smoking cigs like they were going out of style.  OK, at 4 hours till D-Day, I hit the computer and opened up my screenwriting software.  I had said that I was gong to properly format this one, in terms of extra lines around Slugs, and I tried to find the template, but couldn't.  I wasted 30 minutes in this attempt and really got myself in a tizzy...and panic!  Back out to the porch to calm myself down.

So, I start the actual writing with just over 3 hours to go, and I'm a bit panicky, to say the least.  Things start flowing well, and I'm confident not only will I finish, but it will be solid and I'll have a chance to make some corrections.  Yeah, right...

The beginning was easy, cause I already had it laid out in my head, but the middle and end all were fresh, other than in vague form.  The scene with the 4 men and the 4 Siths took alot more time than I had planned.  Getting the conversation down so that it flowed, came off as authentic, and worked within the story, was tough...BUT...I did come up with a few lines that I found quite hilarious about the "beholding" and "be holding" play on words.  Glad I can crack myself up.  

During the process, I continually reread what I already have, so that even though I didn't get a final edit here, the majority of it had been read over numerous times.  So, after another short break, I'm back at it, but I'm now down to 40 minutes...and I've got alot to do still, and I haven't gone back and added in things that I knew I needed to.

Panic sets in...my fingers aren't typing as smoothly...words aren't coming to me.  SHIT, I'm not going to make it!

I made fateful, but correct decision, at that point, with 30 minutes to go, to have (another) shot of Jager and a cigarette to regain my senses, and calm my ass down.  Figured out how the finale was going to play out, got back on the computer, and punched it out.  With 7 minutes to go, I still wasn't sure of the final wrap up scene, and pretty much had to wing it.

I typed "FADE OUT:" with 3 minutes until the clock struck midnight and realized I wasn't going to be able to go back and add in the few things I had hoped to.  Then, of all things, I literally couldn't figure out where the "submit" button was, and luckily, a few kind SS'ers were there in an instant to help.  I did my title sheet in a total panic, with literally no time to come up with a title, and wrote the log as I was submitting it.  Just got it in by the skin of my teeth.

I was happy with it, and still am, but there were a few things I could have/should have included if I only had an extra 30 minutes.

Some interesting details that may or may not help with some confusion will follow shortly...I feel that panic hitting again...HaHa...maybe I need a Jager...no...NO...it's frickin' morning...way too early for that nonsense!

Thanks to everyone who contributed to this wonderful OWC!


To ski or not to ski...that's not even a question.
Logged
Private Message Reply: 32 - 57
Dreamscale
Posted: March 6th, 2011, 1:53pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


Yes, that is my real hair...

Location
Cave Creek, AZ
Posts
11134
Posts Per Day
2.47
Some general info that you may or may not care to know:

The settings/locales were all real.  "Black houses" were pretty much what I was envisioning, in my pre-writing, so when I found a pic of one, I knew that was what I was after, and the town of Arnol was used, as this is where remnants of the old black houses were found.  The weather is also real, and a part of this region...so I wanted to make sure it provided a major tone in the script.

The name "Alickna" means "Defender of Mankind", so the tiny fairy's motives were foreshadowed by name alone, immediately, but also by Arabel, who told her Mither that Alickna protects her".

The names "Duff" and "Boyd" also have meaning.  Duff stands for "dark haired", and thus, he is entranced by the raven haired Sith.  Boyd stands for "blonde", and he was smitten by the blonde Sith.

The one part that seemed to upset people the most, or just not make sense, is why Ina would tell her 7 year old daughter such a graphic tale.  It never occurred to me that people would take it this way.  Here's the deal, IMO...

I think you have to do a couple things when reading a script.  First, you have to only read exactly what's written on the page, and not read things into it that you see or assume in your head.  Secondly, I think we all need to understand the realities of a given situation, within a script.

So, what the Hell am I getting at here?  Check this out...hope it helps...

Ina wouldn't, couldn't, and didn't tell Ari the exact details of what went on.  She wouldn't for obvious reasons.  She couldn't because she wasn't actually there and Alec wouldn't provide such exact conversational details, especially about Duff boasting of his manhood.  And finally, Ina's VO only mentioned the setup to the Flashback...you never actually hear her reciting any details, as it's all shown within the actual Flashback.

This was intended to be just a cool transition to get to the original encounter with the White Women.  It was meant to tie the 2 stories/plots together.

I think my error was going back to Ari's bedroom, when she asked Ina "why is it that men are this way?".  I guess it kind of makes one assume she's hearing exactly what is being shown, but that wasn't my intent. I actually just wanted to break away from the scene for a moment to draw up some tension for what was about to go down.

There are some subtle differences in the new version, which hopefully will help a bit here.  There were some good suggestions about having Ina tell a different tale to Ari, while showing what was actually taking place.  I don't think this would quite work, though.  Too much VO can be a problem, IMO.  It can take away from the power taking place onscreen, and I didn't want to go that route.  I think I've got it worked out now...we'll see what you guys think.

I purposely chose to not show any of the graphic violence taking place onscreen for several reasons.  Budget was first and foremost.  It's tough to show violent fight scenes that play out well with a no or low budget.  It also takes away from the fairytale type quality I was after.  I really like how the Siths take everyone down in the darkness of the dying fire.  IMO, it reads powerfully and would play out nicely on film, with only the sounds and some flashes.  Sometimes, the most powerful "images" are those that we see in our own minds, as opposed to actually seeing them play out onscreen.

Same deal with Alec's return...I didn't want to show him killing his wife for the same reasons as above, and think the sounds work well here, coming from Ari's bedroom POV.  But, I did want to end things with a big visual, and decided that Alickna's attack to save Ari was one that would be quite memorable and rather easy to shoot with minimal FX.

Let's address one more issue you all seemed to have, and that's with Alec's return.  Please understand that the Flashback occurred at least 8 years earlier and had nothing to do with the story taking place from Ari's bedroom.  Obviously, Alec had succumbed to the ways of the White Women on this trip.  There will be more foreshadowing in the new version through Alickna and Ari's first conversation.  But, the bottom line is that Alec is no longer Alec.  He was killed by the White Women, and he has basically "turned" and returned to what he knew out of instinct.  He is now a creature of the night and his intentions are not good.

IMO, this type of detail doesn't need to be present in a script or filmed version of a script.  Everything doesn't have to be spelled out... actually, IMO, it shouldn't be.  It leaves room for the imagination to take over and that way, people can have different ideas of the what's and why's.  And, in reality, there's really no way to show or tell what Alec is without some exposition, and I'm against that if at all possible.

Finally, the final wrap up scene with Ari in the fairy glen - obviously rushed and cut short.  The new version has a little more, but not much.  Again, IMO, these types of things don't need to be made crystal clear.  I like having things open ended at times, especially final shots, as it leaves people thinking and hopefully discussing possibilities.

Hope this makes sense and helps with some questions you guys had.  I appreciate all the input very much, negative or positive.  It all helps.

If I missed your script and you'd like some feedback, just let me know.

Thanks again to everyone involved here.  Lots and lots of fun!!!


To ski or not to ski...that's not even a question.
Logged
Private Message Reply: 33 - 57
Mr. Blonde
Posted: March 7th, 2011, 1:00pm Report to Moderator
Moderator


What good are choices if they're all bad?

Location
Nowhere special.
Posts
2553
Posts Per Day
0.65
Hey Jeff, looks like you're first.

Overall, I enjoyed the story even if I felt, as someone else noted, that the wheels came off at the end. I mean, I could make up a couple hypotheses about what happened in the final scene but I think it should be a little bit clearer. You don't have to give endless pages of exposition but a little something would help.

The dialogue flowed pretty nicely and I also agree with someone else who said that it's not exactly an appropriate bedtime story for a seven-year old. After all, she only wanted to keep hearing it because she was told it before. I don't know, it just didn't gel with me.

You worked the visuals pretty nicely and your descriptions were pretty good, so props for that.


Logged
Private Message Reply: 34 - 57
rc1107
Posted: March 8th, 2011, 1:39pm Report to Moderator
Old Timer



Location
Youngstown
Posts
1229
Posts Per Day
0.26
Hey Jeff,

I've seen your comments on other scripts for awhile now and always thought they were pretty insightful, so I've been wanting to check out something from you for awhile.  Trouble is, I just knew your name as Dreamscale and that didn't bring up much in the search engine.  I was going to PM you to ask what your name was to search you, but then I saw this thread just recently and figured it out.  Nice to meet you, Mr. Bush.  I'll be checking some of your other stuff out very shortly, too.

As for 'The White Women', I thought it was a very interesting name and that's why it's one of the first ten or so that I'm going to read for the OWC.  (To be honest, I thought it was going to be a racist story and I wanted to see what kind of arguments people were going to get into when they respond to the story.)  I'm glad to see it wasn't like that in the slightest.

Anyway, about the story, yes, all the A-names were confusing, but I don't think for the reason that people have stated.  I didn't mind it at all at first (Afterall, a lot of families do that), but I think what really truly lost people is that you give Arabel three names, which I don't believe anybody mentioned yet.  You introduce her as Arabel, then you have Ina call her Ari, which makes sense and is fine, because it's short for Arabel.  No problem there.  But then the mother calls her Ane.  Well, Wee Ane, which is way too reminiscent of Anne.  (I even saw a comment earlier where they even called the little girl Anne.)  I don't know much about Scottish language, so maybe Wee Ane means Little One or something, but that's what confused me is the mother calling her daughter different names, which is why I had to go back and reread the dialogue again to figure it out.

It seems you lost a lot of people with the ending, too, and I know the reason why I liked the beginning a lot, and I liked the middle a lot, but the ending ruined it for me.  I think, for me anyway, the only thing I didn't like about the ending is that the character change in Alec is just way way too big of an arc and way too drastic of a change as not to have any explanation to it.  I know it was kind rushed for the OWC and I understand that completely, but it was explained in the beginning and the middle, Alec was a great, moral man.  (Maybe not courageous.  Afterall, he was cowering behind poor little horses) but you definately put him out there as someone who knows right from wrong and has developed a strong moral fortitude.  That's why the ending seems to just come out of left field.  I think (you said you were doing a rewrite) there definately needs to be something showing the broad strokes of his downslide to make the ending come off as a bit more believable.

But, like I said, I really liked the beginning and middle of the story a lot.  The writing was descriptive and destinctive and gave a clear view of the scene.  I won't get too much into the technical aspects of the script, (the spaces after the flashbacks and what not and what a couple others mentioned), because I think a lot of that is up to the author's own personal choices, as long as the story gets across clearly.

The dialogue was a little bit for me to get through, but that's totally on me because I'm not used to that kind of dialect.  I just had to go back and read it a couple times to make sure I knew what was being said and didn't miss anything.

So, all in all, I liked it.  Just those two main problems I noted which I think would have been fixed anyway if you had a little more time to work with the story.

Like I said, now that I know your name, I'll be checking out some of your other stuff shortly.

Have a good one.

- Mark


Logged
Private Message YIM Reply: 35 - 57
Dreamscale
Posted: March 9th, 2011, 5:28pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


Yes, that is my real hair...

Location
Cave Creek, AZ
Posts
11134
Posts Per Day
2.47
Hey Mark, nice to meet you, too.  I've seen you around the boards as well, and am very appreciative that you read and provided great feedback for this OWC script.

I think alot of answers can be found in my 2 big explantion posts just above yours.  But I can go beyond that here and respond to your concerns and issues.

I was a bit worried that peeps would have trouble with the "A" names, but I really liked both Arabel and Alickna, and the meaning of Alickna just fit in perfectly.  As for the nicknames...well...it's something I seem to always like to do, as for me, it makes the dialogue and relationships more realistic.

"Wie Ane" does indeed mean "Little One". I figured peeps would either figure it out, already know, or Google it.

I apologize if it slowed the read down, but hopefully it added to the authenticity.

As for what happened to Alec, as I said above, Alec is no longer Alec.  It's as simple as that.  I may add a little description to make it more apparent but I figured the gaping hole in his neck, and the fact that he's butt-ass naked, covered in blood would give it away.  One of the main additions will be an additional line or three of dialogue between Arabel and Alickna in the very opening, which will set up Alec's return much better.

I like to leave things to the imagination alot and I just don't see a way that would work and stay true to what this is supposed to be, to explain exactly what happened on this trip, but obviously, our boy Alec fucked up and succumbed to the White Women.

Out of curiosity, did you like Alickna's attack on Alec to save Arabel?  I'm surprised more comments weren't provided about it, as for me, it's a highlight, and something I don't think I've ever seen.

Thanks again!  Let me know if you have anything that needs a read and feedback.


To ski or not to ski...that's not even a question.
Logged
Private Message Reply: 36 - 57
shootingduck
Posted: March 10th, 2011, 8:57am Report to Moderator
New-ish



Location
New Jersey, USA
Posts
33
Posts Per Day
0.01
Hey Jeff, good to see you again...  Haven't been around as much as I thought I'd be since the October OWC.

Everything has basically been covered or explained in previous posts, but I have a few bits to add/ask.

Alec's return...

The reason people need more set up for this is because him "changing" doesn't make sense given what you've told us of the sith.  In the flashback, they kill all the men, plain and simple.  There's nothing about them being transformed, so the audience has no reason to suspect that's what happened to Alec.  They're just going to think, as the readers here seem to, that it's a senseless act of violence tacked on to rush the ending.

A way to go about this might be to slip in another flashback of "the morning after".  Alec, in a foggy morning haze, after the vicious sith attack, quietly gathers up the horses, seems fearful of his fallen commrades' bodies, anticipating that they might "return" as he does later on...  Still avoid exposition or explanation but you'd at least hint at the possibility.

Alickna's attack on Alec...

It makes sense in that it's probably what would most likely happen if a fairy were really protecting this little girl.  But I don't like it.  It's too abrupt.  You never get to see the little girl's horror when she sees what her father has become, what he's done to her mother, you never get to see the dread on Arabel's face.  I know you were probably trying to avoid having a "butt-ass naked" man chase a little girl around a house, as well as avoid a cliche chase scene, but it just felt like it needed something.  It felt anti-climactic and rushed.  The fact that he barely gets inside the door before he's instantly dropped by this fairy makes him seem like he was barely dangerous to begin with.  I feel like the mother had to be a total idiot to let herself get killed by this guy.

Perhaps Arabel comes out of her room, sees the aftermath her mother's killing, screams or cries or whatever, Alec hears her, she runs back to her room, slams the door, Alec rushes upstairs to finish the job...  He kicks in the door, Alickna takes him down, we see that the little girl is already out the window headed down the fire escape.  Maybe it needs something like that...  It's a little more cinematic, adds tension, you see emotion from Arabel, you still get the same killshot you liked so much, you eliminate the redundancy of a second body falling onto the fire (or you can even keep that if you want and have Alec go over the railing and onto the hearth after the fairy zips through him).

Other than those two areas, I thought the story was very well put together and I enjoyed it quite a bit.  Nicely done, sir.  Looking forward to the rewrite.
Logged Offline
Site Private Message Reply: 37 - 57
Scar Tissue Films
Posted: March 10th, 2011, 12:24pm Report to Moderator
OWC Moderator


Posts
3400
Posts Per Day
0.87
Decent analysis Brian.

One general point that I would make about flashbacks..they're not great for horror stories IMO.

One of the great strenghts of horror is its narrative drive and the fact they create emotion by building tension. Flashbacks seriously disrupt that.

When someone is showing something that happened in the past...there's little drama.

Flashbacks are useful for their lyrical qualities and certainly have their place in mystery stories, but I think you have to be careful to use them very sparingly in horror.  
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 38 - 57
Dreamscale
Posted: March 10th, 2011, 1:36pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


Yes, that is my real hair...

Location
Cave Creek, AZ
Posts
11134
Posts Per Day
2.47
Hey Duck, thanks for the read and feedback, and congrats on your big win!  I'll respond to your feedback ASAP, but I wanted to jump in here and respond to Rick first (as it's a much easier response  ).

Hey Rick, I hear what you're saying but I've got to disagree in general...or maybe under a blanket statement, is a better way of what I'm trying to say.

First of all, contrary to popular belief probably (due to my HEAVILY Flashbacked Unforgettable script), I'm really not too into Flashbacks, unless I feel they really add to the present timeline story, characterization, etc.  Actually, many horror movies contain Flashbacks (and that's not necesarily saying they're good movies, cause as we all know, most horror movies suck pretty much).  They seem to be there to set the stage for what's happening currently or what's to come.

In terms of this script, keep in mind that none of the characters in the Flashback were intro'd earlier, and only 1 makes it out of that Flashback to share more script time later.  I know I tend to do things a bit differently, but IMO, it's a good thing, although I understand why many are against bucking the system.

The Flashback here is almost half the script, and almost half the story.  But, the story's really not about the White Women or what takes place in the Flashback.  It's actually Arabel's story.  We start off with Arabel and Alickna and we end the same way.  Bizarre?  Maybe...


To ski or not to ski...that's not even a question.
Logged
Private Message Reply: 39 - 57
Scar Tissue Films
Posted: March 10th, 2011, 4:44pm Report to Moderator
OWC Moderator


Posts
3400
Posts Per Day
0.87
Fair enough.

I just thought I'd point it out. It was the problem with Spike and Hike as well in the OWC. It started off in the present and then went into a recollection of past events.

They tend to lack drama because we already know the outcome. In that story two people were alive to tell the story and so when we are introduced to the other characters we know what's going to happen and it takes away the dramatic tension...and dramatic tension is probably THE critical thing when it comes to horror.

This is a superior story to that, but there is a similar problem. When we settle in for the (flashback) story, we already know the Dad is going to survive...otherwise they wouldn't be telling the story.

Both the atmosphere and the quality of the writing ensure it's still an interesting tale, but I think it's something to consider...even if not for this script, but for future ones.

The other main problem with it that I think I already mentioned, was that the only person who had a character arc was the Dad, so really he's the heart of the story, if not the protagonist. It's not really about Arabel because she's completely passive all the way through. She gets told a story, then she gets saved by a supernatural entity. She doesn't do anything or grow in any way.

To make it about Arabel, what needs to happen is that she learns something from the story that she puts into practice herself...and that's why she survives.

It also feels like we should see why the Dad finally fell to the Sith. That's really the crux of the story. What changed within him that made him fall.

What made the father fall, and what the girl still had that protected her.

Eg Innocence or something. Or faith. Maybe it's faith in the fairies and that faith means they protect you. Maybe the father has argued with his daughter about her imaginary friends and that's why he falls (eg he dismisses his wife's superstition that it was the fairies that protected him and puts it down to sheer luck)...but she maintains her faith and survives.


As it is it's just not quite there as a fully formed story. It's two disconnected narratives.


EDIT: Thought of something quite good. What if the story about her Dad and the Sith was a lie. What if her mother tells her how he fought the good fight and died a good man, but we see what really happens and he fornicates with them and goes to the Dark side. Then he comes back. But having been told by her mother how the pure of heart survive, he has no power over her. It makes a nice point about the power of stories to teach and pass on morals.

Ricky Boy Master.

Revision History (2 edits; 1 reasons shown)
Scar Tissue Films  -  March 10th, 2011, 4:59pm
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 40 - 57
leitskev
Posted: March 10th, 2011, 6:40pm Report to Moderator
Old Timer


Posts
3104
Posts Per Day
0.91
I think since flashback is such a huge part of this story, it's needed, but maybe it would be better if there was just one flashback. There would be: the beginning where we meet the fairy and the mother begins the tale; the flashback; then the conclusion.

I like the idea of having the mom tell a version of the story that is different than what we see. That was brought up before, but now Rick has put a new possible approach, and this would tie in nicely to Alec's actions at the end.

Logged
Private Message Reply: 41 - 57
rc1107
Posted: March 11th, 2011, 2:24am Report to Moderator
Old Timer



Location
Youngstown
Posts
1229
Posts Per Day
0.26
Hey Jeff,


Quoted from shootingduck
In the flashback, they kill all the men, plain and simple.  There's nothing about them being transformed, so the audience has no reason to suspect that's what happened to Alec.


Lol.  That's what I was trying to get at, I just couldn't figure out the words to what I was trying to say.  (Sorry, I was getting rushed while I was posting.  Girlfriend all of a sudden needed to go to the store.)

In the story, it came across to me as the White Women were murdering the men only who gave into them, which brought up another question of mine I wanted to ask before, but it slipped my mind while I was rushing.

Duff and Boyd gave into the temptresses, so I understood them getting killed.  But Torcuil you said, stands his ground and unsheathes his heavy Claymore.  To me, that sounds like he wasn't giving in to the White Women, so why did they kill him?  (Unless you were making another dirty joke and by 'unsheathing his heavy sword', you meant 'taking out his big wang'.  :-)  )

And I also forgot to mention that I liked what you did with the names Duff and Boyd.  I didn't know what they meant when I was reading.  But after telling us why you named them that, I thought it was pretty clever.


Quoted from Dreamscale
did you like Alickna's attack on Alec to save Arabel?


Actually, yes, I did like Alickna's attack.  It was very visual, (put a great dark image in my head) and seemed to me like a perfectly grim ending to what we knew was going to be a dark fairy tale.  I do understand what shootingduck was getting at, though, with never really showing us the horror her father had become.  But yes, it was a great visual.  I think the image of Ina roasting over the fire would terrify a young child if they saw it.  And I mean that in a good way.  A way that a scary story should.  (Although I do have to admit, when I first read it, the first image that came to my head was that she was on a spit.)

- Mark


Logged
Private Message YIM Reply: 42 - 57
Dreamscale
Posted: March 11th, 2011, 9:15am Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


Yes, that is my real hair...

Location
Cave Creek, AZ
Posts
11134
Posts Per Day
2.47
Hey Duck, thanks gain for the read and feedback.

Alec's return Ė I understand what youíre saying about the men being killed by the Sith in the Flashback, and why Alecís transformation seems confusing.  I think with a couple extra lines of dialogue between Arabel and Alickna up front, it will not only make sense, but it will also be completely foreshadowed.  I usually donít like giving away too much info, but it appears this is necessaryÖand Iím game for doing it.

I donít think I really want to prolong the Flashback and add more to it, like the morning after or anything, but itís a solid idea for sure.

Alickna's attack on Alec Ė I understand why you feel this is too sudden, but again, I donít really want to prolong this scene or really add anything to it (I may add a line or 2, but thatís it).  Keep in mind a few things which you probably didnít quite get, based on your feedback hereÖthis tale takes place long, long ago.  Black houses are small 1 level cottages made of dry-stone walls packed with earth and wooden rafters covered with a thatch of turf. The floor was generally flagstones or packed earth and there was a central hearth for the fire. There was no chimney for the smoke to escape though. Instead the smoke made its way through the roof, so everything you mentioned in your 2nd paragraph here doesnít jive or fly.  Also, although I definitely understand what youíre getting at and looking for, thatís just not the direction I was aiming here.  The low budget nature of the assignment, to me, means keeping things as simple as possible, and chase/fight scenes are difficult to pull off properly onscreen, IMO.

All great ideas, though.  Glad you seemed to like it.  Rewrite should be done over the weekend.

Thanks again.


To ski or not to ski...that's not even a question.
Logged
Private Message Reply: 43 - 57
dogglebe
Posted: March 11th, 2011, 11:03am Report to Moderator
Guest User



I have mixed feelings with this one, Jeff.  The storytelling was nice and tight.  Your descriptions of things were very visual.  The story, OTOH, had its problems.  You had two separate stories running here: the one with Arabel and the fairy and the one with the White Women.  I think you should've just picked one and ran with it.  The ending left me thinking 'WTF?'

I liked the dialogue; the brogue-ish mannerisms were easy enough to read and were believable.  I did think that the dialog in the pub was a little weak.  Torcuil's explanation of the White Women was a little too on-the-nose for me.  I understand that you have top explain the mythos, but I feel you could've been more subtle with it.


Phil  
Logged
e-mail Reply: 44 - 57
Dreamscale
Posted: March 11th, 2011, 11:18am Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


Yes, that is my real hair...

Location
Cave Creek, AZ
Posts
11134
Posts Per Day
2.47
Thanks, Phil...appreciate the read and feedback.

I knew some would have trouble with 2 storylines, but that's kind of the way I like to roll...to keep things interesting.

You mentioned the "pub", but there's no pub scenes here. Think you may have meant by the fire, with the guys.  You're right, Torcuil's reveal of who the White Women are is a bit on the nose...I'm pretty sure I was rushing at that point and needed to get it across.

Glad you seemed to like it.  Thanks.


To ski or not to ski...that's not even a question.
Logged
Private Message Reply: 45 - 57
dogglebe
Posted: March 11th, 2011, 11:22am Report to Moderator
Guest User



My bad:  I meant in the glen.


Phil
Logged
e-mail Reply: 46 - 57
Ledbetter
Posted: March 14th, 2011, 10:10pm Report to Moderator
Guest User



Hey Jeff,

I just sent over my thoughts to you via Email.

By the way, great script. One of the best in this series. Although I have to admit, this OWC was without a doubt the most impressive list of scripts sense I have been coming here.

Shawn.....><
Logged
e-mail Reply: 47 - 57
darrentomalin
Posted: October 1st, 2011, 9:48pm Report to Moderator
Been around a while



Posts
247
Posts Per Day
0.08
Just going back over some old OWC (recomendations welcome!).
I loved the feel of this, could almost warm myself on the fire (won't stay for dinner though!).
The authentic dialogue really added to the flavour and worked well though I think the use of wrylies to explain accent wasn't needed - a single line in the first action block would be enough and the whole feel of the story almost has you doing the accent anyway!
Quite magical but thought the fairy "Hadouken" was a little bit silly!
A very easy read considering the names and language.
Daz


http://darrentomalin.webs.com/index.htm

Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 48 - 57
Dreamscale
Posted: October 2nd, 2011, 10:21am Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


Yes, that is my real hair...

Location
Cave Creek, AZ
Posts
11134
Posts Per Day
2.47
Hey DAZ (damn, I like that acronym), thanks for looking at this one.

This was a great challenge and a fun script to write.  Even though I did try and get on this ahead of time, it came down to the last day and with all my research, I took it right down to the wire in getting it completed and turned in, just on time.

Glad you seemed to enjoy it.  I think this is actually my favorite short I've written.  Wish Rick had liked it more.

Your point about not needing the wrylies, is an interesting one.  I definitely could have used a "note" early on, that every character speaks in a Gaelic brogue, and saved myself a bunch of lines, where I used a wrylie the first time each character spoke.  Normally, every single character doesn't speak exactly the same, so wrylies are used for those who do speak with an accent.  Good point!

I'm surprised you didn't like Alickna's kill move.  I guess there were a couple who didn't like it.  I for one did, damnit!     I remember when I came up with it, as time was winding down and being very happy.  I think it would be a cool visual actually.  Never take a little fairly for granted...they are a force to be reckoned with!

Thanks again!


To ski or not to ski...that's not even a question.
Logged
Private Message Reply: 49 - 57
Reef Dreamer
Posted: November 18th, 2011, 8:39am Report to Moderator
Old Timer


The effects of writing again....

Location
The Island of Jersey
Posts
2442
Posts Per Day
0.77
Hey Jeff thanks for the PDF of this. It is much different to the original?

As usual a well written tale with a nice blend of legend interwoven with a fairy element. I liked the two strands.

I was interested to see how you handled the brogue. To me it was just right. Enough to get a feel, not too much too lose me. A script I read a while ago was a real effort because it had so much accent applied.

A few comments;

# arable and the seals. I wondered whether a young girl would raise the same question of them being cute in an era when survival on them was vital.
# flashback - the detail of the men's desires seemed quite mature for a child to hear in bed
#roast copse - yuck, that would be a strong visual
# fairy kill - I liked this touch, but just wondered if it needed a bit more from the bedroom to this moment so that we felt, or saw, a  danger to the girls life, although it clearly existed as shown in the fireplace

Good stuff.

All the best.



My scripts †HERE

The Elevator Most Belonging To Alice - Semi Final Bluecat, Runner Up Nashville
Inner Journey - Page Awards Finalist - Bluecat semi final
Grieving Spell - winner - London Film Awards.††Third - Honolulu
Ultimate Weapon - Fresh Voices - second place
IMDb link... http://www.imdb.com/name/nm7062725/?ref_=tt_ov_wr
Logged
Private Message Reply: 50 - 57
Dreamscale
Posted: November 18th, 2011, 12:32pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


Yes, that is my real hair...

Location
Cave Creek, AZ
Posts
11134
Posts Per Day
2.47
Thanks for the read, Bill. Always appreciate the feedback.

I've often considered dropping the line from Ary about the seals being so cute, as in reality, she never would have seen a live one and really wouldn't know - good catch.

Many have said the same thing about the Flashback details and the men's boasts not being a very child friendly story.  I'll say what I've said before about it - IMO, Ina couldn't know exactly what was said, as she wasn't there, and Alec surely wouldn't retell the story exactly that way to her - so...she in turn, couldn't tell these details to Ary, either.  The Flashback visuals show exactly what happened, but it should be assumed that Ina is only telling Ary a rough accounting of what took place.  There are V.O.'s from Ina that show what she does say exactly, but if there's not a V.O> from her, you shouldn't assume she's saying it to Ary exactly that way.

I was literally running out of time on the ending and you may be correct that a few more lines in the bedroom scene would set this up a bit better.  When I went back and made a few changes (only a few changes were made, most notably, Alickna and Ary's first conversation including an extra line), I didn't really even entertain the idea of adding to this scene, but I like your idea.

Thanks again.


To ski or not to ski...that's not even a question.
Logged
Private Message Reply: 51 - 57
Pale Yellow
Posted: December 2nd, 2011, 10:56am Report to Moderator
Old Timer



Posts
2053
Posts Per Day
76.04
I really liked this. Very clean writing.

The end was a surprise for me, which is good after reading so many predictable scripts.

At first it was a bit hard for me to keep up. I'm not sure if it was the many characters starting with A or if it was the accents, but after a page into it, it read smooth as silk for me.

I like the Flashback in this one...I usually hate flashbacks but this one worked for me.

Great job IMO.
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 52 - 57
Dreamscale
Posted: December 2nd, 2011, 12:47pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


Yes, that is my real hair...

Location
Cave Creek, AZ
Posts
11134
Posts Per Day
2.47
Thanks for the rad and your thoughts, Dena.  Glad you enjoyed it.

A few others also noted the 2 "A" characters, back to back.  I just really liked those names and they also have meaning that worked perfectly with the story.

I'm not a big Flashback kind of guy either, but I wrote a feature with more Flashbacks than you've probably ever seen, and somehow, I think they actually work very well.

Take care!


To ski or not to ski...that's not even a question.
Logged
Private Message Reply: 53 - 57
Zack
Posted: January 9th, 2013, 5:13pm Report to Moderator
OWC Moderator


Don't get it right. Get it written.

Posts
3128
Posts Per Day
0.62
Just read your script.

As always with you it was exceptionally well written. A few typos here and there, but no biggie. The story was pretty weird and I'll be honest... I had a hard time getting into it. A weird mixture of vampires and fairys. I question the fairy's importantance to the story.

I enjoyed it for what it was. An offbeat horror story with some very good visuals. You are a great writer. Keep at it dude.

~Zack~
Logged
Private Message Reply: 54 - 57
Dreamscale
Posted: January 9th, 2013, 6:37pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


Yes, that is my real hair...

Location
Cave Creek, AZ
Posts
11134
Posts Per Day
2.47
Thanks for the read, Zack.  Glad to have you back on SS.

Sorry this one didn't quite work for you.  It's one of my faves, actually.  Love Alickna, the fairy.  You never know...she may just pop up in another script of mine some time.  

Take care, brother!!


To ski or not to ski...that's not even a question.
Logged
Private Message Reply: 55 - 57
DanC
Posted: May 16th, 2015, 7:38pm Report to Moderator
Old Timer


Killing villains since 1980!

Location
Buffalo NY
Posts
1150
Posts Per Day
0.63
I just finished the story.

I don't really have many points.  But, I do have a few things to say.

1.  What does the white woman have to do with his possession?  It seems like he made it home that night.  So, how does that differ from this night?  I think we need to know that, don't we?

2.  Why is this girl special enough that the fairies show themselves?  Why do they protect her?  Do they protect all the innocent children in the village, or the country?

3.  I'd like to know more about the white women.  What are they?  Are they succubi?  You're in my element when you talk of claymores and magic and that stuff.  I played D&D for over 30 years now.  I'm a huge fantasy fan and a big comic book reader too.  So, this is definitely my realm.

I think, once again, you have the basis of a good story.  You use the girl to explain the story.  honestly, I'd not do it that way.  Instead of doing a flashback, why not do it as it actually happens?  Have one of the men have all this knowledge?

In a way, you hurt yourself with the flashback b/c I knew he'd be okay b/c he's already come home and survived this.  That's the problem with flashbacks, they take the tension out.  I don't think that was your intention.  

So, I'd tie it all in.  What went wrong this night?  Was it simply the fact that Tor and Alec fought them off, and he was alone this night?  And if so, why would he go out alone?  What was his mission this fateful night?

It needs more information to make me truly care about these characters.  

Dan

And the rest of the comments on here seem to mesh with mine, so, I guess I wasn't too far off.  And I know who really wrote this


Please read my scripts:
http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-series/m-1427564706/

I'm interested in reading animation, horror, sci fy, suspense, fantasy, and anything that is good.  I enjoy writing the same.  Looking to team with anyone!

Thanks
Dan
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 56 - 57
Dreamscale
Posted: May 17th, 2015, 6:19pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


Yes, that is my real hair...

Location
Cave Creek, AZ
Posts
11134
Posts Per Day
2.47
Thanks again, Dan.  You're a reding and reviewing machine!  

As always, I'll respond where applicable.


Quoted from DanC
What does the white woman have to do with his possession?  It seems like he made it home that night.  So, how does that differ from this night?  I think we need to know that, don't we?


Well, I assume you mean the white ďwomenĒ, not ďwomanĒ, right?  I think to have any understanding, you need to know what the White Women are, and that may take some research, but itís pretty simple, really.  Heís not possessed, heís been bitten, turned, I guess you can say.  On the prior trip, he was able to resist the White Women, but on this one, apparently, he was not able to.


Quoted from DanC
Why is this girl special enough that the fairies show themselves?  Why do they protect her?  Do they protect all the innocent children in the village, or the country?


Dan, these questions are a bit silly, arenít they?  In a tale like this, you need to go with it, as there arenít answers to such questions, nor should such questions be asked.  Itís like asking why someone falls in love with someone else, or why some random stranger would risk his life to help another random stranger, but these things obviously happen all the time.


Quoted from DanC
I'd like to know more about the white women.  What are they?  Are they succubi?


As I said above, if you want to know more about them, do a little research.  When I sent this to you, I gave you the background for the OWC topic and even what this was based on.


Quoted from DanC
I think, once again, you have the basis of a good story.  You use the girl to explain the story.  honestly, I'd not do it that way.  Instead of doing a flashback, why not do it as it actually happens?  Have one of the men have all this knowledge?


Maybe youíre unclear here, but the Flashback is indeed a Flashback and has nothing to do with the current time-frame story.  We donít see what happens to him, but we definitely see the aftermath when he returns home.


Quoted from DanC
In a way, you hurt yourself with the flashback b/c I knew he'd be okay b/c he's already come home and survived this.  That's the problem with flashbacks, they take the tension out.  I don't think that was your intention.


Well, again, sure, the Flashback told what happened long ago and how they know of the White Women.  There is no question he survived and that was set up before the story even begun.  There was no intent to have you guessing if he survived or not, but as for the others, you had no idea what would happen to them, nor did you know what would happen on his most recent trip to the Northern shores, and thatís where the tension was intendedÖas he walked into the house, a bloody mess, acting catatonic.


Quoted from DanC
So, I'd tie it all in.  What went wrong this night?  Was it simply the fact that Tor and Alec fought them off, and he was alone this night?  And if so, why would he go out alone?  What was his mission this fateful night?


Again, bro, you are not privy to this information, as itís not shown or told.  You have to connect the dots.  And if you canít or donít want to, you just need to go with it.


Quoted from DanC
It needs more information to make me truly care about these characters.  


Ok, sorry about that.  My intent here is that you care for little innocent Arabel and her Mither, Ina.  Maybe even Alickna the fairy.  Of course, you can root for Alec, but understand you never once see him in the current time frame story, as himself, so as a character, heís not who I was trying to have my readers side with, really.

OK, that does it.  All reads responded to.  Man, am I ever wiped out!  LOL...

Thanks, Dan.


To ski or not to ski...that's not even a question.
Logged
Private Message Reply: 57 - 57
 Pages: 1, 2, 3, 4 : All
Recommend Print

Locked Board Board Index    February 2011 One Week Challenge  [ previous | next ] Switch to:
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login

Forum Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post polls
You may not post attachments
HTML is on
Blah Code is on
Smilies are on


Powered by E-Blah Platinum 9.71B © 2001-2006