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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Horror Scripts  ›  Pet-Cam Moderators: bert
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  Author    Pet-Cam  (currently 1373 views)
Don
Posted: November 8th, 2023, 12:09pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Pet-Cam by P.H. Cook - Horror - A couple's plan to convert a murder house into a haunted BnB unravels when their cat uncovers a secret underground lair, leading to a horrifying encounter with its tortured guardian with a fractured past.  96 pages

Production: Low budget. Few locations. Few characters. For sale.


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Revision History (3 edits; 1 reasons shown)
Don  -  December 11th, 2023, 6:00pm
revised draft
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Grandma Bear
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Thanks, Don! That was quick.

This is something I wrote with the intention that Dena and I could film it. The house I had in mind is the one in which we filmed Pumpkin Nightmare 2. Will we actually end up filming it? Who knows. I don't particularly enjoy the filmmaking part, and I'm trying to switch over to prose, but we'll see.  


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LC
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Bumping this cause it's a terrific script, Pia!

Will read again but I will say I came away thinking I wanted just a smidge more of the actual Pet Cam as a device to up the Horror and suspense and as a way for Ron to find Joan.

'Jonesy' -  nice ode to Alien.


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Grandma Bear
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Libby!!! Nice to see someone responding.

I've had three people reading this. That's it. I figured people hated it and just didn't want to respond with negative comments, so I sent it out for coverage several times, and it actually got a few CONSIDERS. I've had it on Inktip and Blacklist, and no one is interested. I've come to the conclusion that it just isn't a story anyone is interested in.  

I had a few people say they wanted more Pet-Cam stuff, so I added more, but then got comments saying it was visually boring watching the videos on either a phone or computer screen, so I scaled it back again.

Jonesy. Yes! Ellie is for Ellen Ripley and the cat is orange, so yes. Alien baby! Glad you picked up on that. No one else has.

Thanks again Libby! You rock!  


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D.A.Banaszak
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What can I say? This had your name on it making it a must read. I was not disappointed.

I think it had the right amount of pet cam scenes. I realize that it's in the title but there's enough screen-time to make it relevant. It played a part in the early buildup and contributed to the climax. I liked how it justified the creepy, low level, cat-cam shots. Plus, it turned me from an observer looking in from the fourth wall into a participating character, observing from inside the scene. Maybe I always wanted to be a cat.

The right director will wring their hands reading this. I expect to see this on the big screen.

I didn't pick up on the Alien connection. I love cinematic trivia like that. It's why I watch Svengoolie.

However, I may have trouble sleeping tonight.


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Grandma Bear
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Quoted from D.A.Banaszak
What can I say? This had your name on it making it a must read. I was not disappointed.

That's very kind of you.  


Quoted from D.A.Banaszak
I think it had the right amount of pet cam scenes. I realize that it's in the title but there's enough screen-time to make it relevant. It played a part in the early buildup and contributed to the climax. I liked how it justified the creepy, low level, cat-cam shots. Plus, it turned me from an observer looking in from the fourth wall into a participating character, observing from inside the scene. Maybe I always wanted to be a cat.

This one is the third draft and it could still use a couple of more passes, but I'm fairly happy with this one. I have one question though, the reviews/coverage that I paid for, they said I needed to work on the theme of capitalizing on the tragedy vs respect. IMHO, the theme is stated right there around page ten or so like in most films and it is as Joan puts it, there are no ghosts. The only monsters out there are humans. That's what we should be afraid of. No one picked up on this at all. I didn't intend for the theme to be about money and a murderous past. Was the theme I intended really that weak?


Quoted from D.A.Banaszak
The right director will wring their hands reading this. I expect to see this on the big screen.

I appreciate that, but that's probably a little too optimistic. I would like to see someone make it into film though. Everything I wrote, I know I could pull off and/or cheat. Also, one of the readers said it's too hard to make cats do anything. The cat doesn't really do anything. The pet-cam views are just done with a camera.

Cheers for checking this one out and let me know if I can return the favor.  



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LC
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Quoted from Grandma Bear
...I have one question though, the reviews/coverage that I paid for, they said I needed to work on the theme of capitalizing on the tragedy vs respect. IMHO, the theme is stated right there around page ten or so like in most films and it is as Joan puts it, there are no ghosts. The only monsters out there are humans. That's what we should be afraid of. No one picked up on this at all. I didn't intend for the theme to be about money and a murderous past. Was the theme I intended really that weak?


Nope it isn't weak at all. It's in your opening and in your denouement.

JOAN
Real people died here, Ash. Got to
show some respect. I was thinking
more like some sort of memorial.

She turns around to leave. The figure is gone.
Ashley gives her the theatrical eye roll.

ASHLEY
The people that will want to stay
in your murder house will be freaks
like us who are fascinated by
death. They donít come to say a
prayer or put flowers down at a
memorial.

JOAN
Itís about balance. Keeping the
intrigue alive but not forgetting
the human lives lost.

It's a Horror movie so to me this is quite clear and sufficient. You can't ram theme down people's throats repeatedly.

The characters pay for what they have planned for the house. Joan nearly loses her life and her best friend dies so the cautionary tale element is front and centre.

Of course it looks like Joan is going to profit by the experience with her new book at the end but I think like I said, this is surely commentary on the type of world we live in and it's honest.

JOAN
This one practically wrote itself.
The story has changed though.
Instead of a supernatural horror
itís now about the horror of human
tragedy and the psychological scars
it leaves behind.

You could have gone two ways with this. If you changed that ending to Joan refusing to write the book because she believes it's exploitative she might come off as more likeable but I think it's commentary in itself. This part I might ponder but as far as the theme your critic mentioned how far do you need to go. Rhetorical question that.


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D.A.Banaszak
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I didnít pick up on Joanís line on page 13 as the theme. I took it as a piece of character development in that she didnít believe in ghosts. I then wondered if the creepy happenings were in fact caused by something supernatural and that she would find out that there were such things as ghosts. It added an extra dimension of intrigue for me. I also wondered if the cat ate the leftovers. When the cat-cam revealed that Ellie did not eat the leftovers is when I caught onto the theme.

When the cause of the creepy events was revealed, I liked that it all made sense and that there was a breadcrumb trail of foreboding. I found myself thinking, ďWell, Joan warned me.Ē

I understand that using a cat to film the pet-cam scenes would require some degree of a mind meld to make it happen. You would likely need to use a radio controlled car with a mount that could bounce and pivot to mimic a cat-cam. My comment was geared toward the use of a Ďpet-camí in the script. In a famous chase scene from the film, the Seven-Ups, a police drama from the 70ís, several shots were made from the bumpers of the cars. I think scenes like that would be even more riveting if in the story, somebody was hanging onto the bumper for their life. Then it would be more than an adrenaline-raising camera angle. We would be seeing somebodyís precarious point of view.

In Pet-Cam, you have done just that. Weíre not just seeing a low-angled, creepy shot, weíre seeing Ellieís point of view. On top of that, the camera works its way into being a pivotal part of the story. I like that.

Yes, I am an optimist.  I wish you luck with this.


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Grandma Bear
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Quoted from LC


Nope it isn't weak at all. It's in your opening and in your denouement.


I suspect that they must be speed reading or skimming. I just thought it was weird two readers said the same thing. Like you said, you don't want to beat people over the head with it.


Quoted from LC

You could have gone two ways with this. If you changed that ending to Joan refusing to write the book because she believes it's exploitative she might come off as more likeable but I think it's commentary in itself. This part I might ponder but as far as the theme your critic mentioned how far do you need to go. Rhetorical question that.

I will keep that suggestion in mind. As always, the ending has been read and tweaked fewer times than the beginning which is why I think most scripts start out much stronger than they end. I like your suggestion there, so I will tinker with that idea. As always, Thank You!!!  


Quoted from D.A.Banaszak
I didnít pick up on Joanís line on page 13 as the theme. I took it as a piece of character development in that she didnít believe in ghosts. I then wondered if the creepy happenings were in fact caused by something supernatural and that she would find out that there were such things as ghosts. It added an extra dimension of intrigue for me. I also wondered if the cat ate the leftovers. When the cat-cam revealed that Ellie did not eat the leftovers is when I caught onto the theme.When the cause of the creepy events was revealed, I liked that it all made sense and that there was a breadcrumb trail of foreboding. I found myself thinking, ďWell, Joan warned me.Ē

I'm not a huge Save The Cat fan, but he always point out the theme stated in around page 10 or so. In The Ring for example, it was as simple as the character saying, I hate television.  So, maybe it's okay if it's a little vague. Like I said to Libby, I suspect those readers might just be skimming the scripts or speed reading.


Quoted from D.A.Banaszak
I understand that using a cat to film the pet-cam scenes would require some degree of a mind meld to make it happen. You would likely need to use a radio controlled car with a mount that could bounce and pivot to mimic a cat-cam. My comment was geared toward the use of a Ďpet-camí in the script. In a famous chase scene from the film, the Seven-Ups, a police drama from the 70ís, several shots were made from the bumpers of the cars. I think scenes like that would be even more riveting if in the story, somebody was hanging onto the bumper for their life. Then it would be more than an adrenaline-raising camera angle. We would be seeing somebodyís precarious point of view.

In Pet-Cam, you have done just that. Weíre not just seeing a low-angled, creepy shot, weíre seeing Ellieís point of view. On top of that, the camera works its way into being a pivotal part of the story. I like that.

We did something similar in another short we filmed and it was as simple as the cameraman holding the camera low to the floor and just moving it along as if it was a cat/creature's POV. The fact that it was handheld and not steady just made it more real. Lots of cheats and trickery in film.  

Thanks again to both of you.  


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DevonteHuntley
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Wait, so is this just a script or is it being produced?
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Grandma Bear
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Quoted from DevonteHuntley
Wait, so is this just a script or is it being produced?


Just a script, but I wrote it with the intent of filming it myself, but I'm not sure my partner in film is up to it at the moment.  


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jwent6688
Posted: November 23rd, 2023, 1:13pm Report to Moderator
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Hey Pia,

I gave this a read this morning. Last time I posted a feature here it got one read and dropped through the portal like a lead bomb. So, I decided to bump this and see if we can't get it some more looks.

I like the setup here. Couple moves into an old house. Nosy old neighbor who I'm sure will come into play later and does. Mystery builds as things go bump in the night. It's a tried and true formula.

The Jonesy nickname immediately took me back to Aliens. So I was getting the cat vibes. BTW, you change the spelling throughout the script. Jonesy/Joansey. I would do a quick search and fix.

Around page 35 Ashley heads to the store, Joan is outside working on something and then Ashley's upstairs in the murder room. The whole sequence threw me for a loop. It felt like Ashley snuck back into the house for some reason.

Page 61 It felt it very strange that Joan doesn't tell Ron over the phone that she's down a hole in the shed. How's he going to find her? I get it, you need to setup the search, but it could be better. Maybe her phone dies mid conversation or Derek attacks her before she can explain?

I didn't take page by page notes, but I though those two were worth mentioning.

Having finished it, I have mixed thoughts on it. I'll be one to say you either need more pet-cam or maybe a title change. I liked the idea of a found footage hybrid. FF will always hold a dear place in my heart when done well.

I think my main issue here is that there's maybe too many twists and turns and a few of them don't feel like they're grown organically. More on that in a second.

First off, I think it gets confusing giving Joan two immediate goals. She has to bust out a new novel. She has to turn this place into a haunted B&B. I would stick with one or the other and maybe bring a little conflict into the relationship between her and Ron. This setup reminds me of What Lies Beneath (A fave of mine). Husband goes off to work. Wife home alone wondering if she's going crazy. I think it creates great tension.

Maybe Ron hates when she gets her head deep into writing horror. She tends to become paranoid so he doesn't believe her at first when she says she's seeing things disappear or move. It would isolate her a little bit more.

Now, I love the idea of Derek being the third child nobody ever knew about. Maybe she finds that out herself and begins digging into it instead of having it explained to us by Violet?  An old photo she finds behind a wall or heating vent?

Violet's husband's murder kind of came out of nowhere. Maybe you could drop a crumb about that early on. I wouldn't mind seeing the relationship between her and Derek a bit more twisted. Maybe even sexual. He was a complete shut in and the only compassion he's ever known was from her.

Derek is a bit talky for my liking as a villain. Especially someone who hides in the dark. I like the split personalities, but I would pare down on the dialogue of evil Derek.

I'd also like to see Joan fight her way out of this on her own some way. First, Violet decides to help her then Ron has to rescue her. I want to see her out think Derek when she's locked up. She's smart. She's a novelist.

The whole trouble light electric shock thing had me googling answers. I'm pretty sure that wouldn't work in reality. It would deliver a nice jolt, but not eyeball melting from a 120 line with 15/20 amp breakers. If you have any electrician friends, maybe pick their brains on that one.

I like the bookends with Ellie on the run, but I think your mystery man in the cemetery needs a bit more of a setup or explanation. Maybe Joan can realize this isn't over from her hospital bed and then you take us to the cemetery. That would make a nice finish.

I hope this doesn't seem like I didn't like it because I did. I'm just throwing darts here to see if anything sticks. Feel free to toss these notes in the trash.

I sat down and read this in one sitting, was happy I did. I think it would make a great film with a few minor tweaks.

Anyway,

Happy Thanksgiving!

James





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Grandma Bear
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What a NICE surprise!!! Invaluable feedback! Thank you! It's hard to get a script read here nowadays. Even shorts can be hard. Not sure why that has changed. Feel free to point me towards your feature you posted here and I'll read it over the weekend.

I will respond point by point tomorrow to your comments. Right now, I'm beat. I'm going to sit down and put my feet up and watch What Lies Beneath! I sort of recognize the title, but have never seen it which surprised me since I'm a fan of both Harrison Ford and Pheiffer.

Thank you again, and I'll be back tomorrow.  


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DevonteHuntley
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Quoted from Grandma Bear
What a NICE surprise!!! Invaluable feedback! Thank you! It's hard to get a script read here nowadays. Even shorts can be hard. Not sure why that has changed. Feel free to point me towards your feature you posted here and I'll read it over the weekend.


Consider yourself lucky. I'm still waiting for some feedback for my HALLOWEEN story, which is really long and in two parts. It's only been about three weeks since I had the current version posted so still early in the game here. But I assume my other version turned some off from reading through this one, but oh well. Just goes to show the struggles in this writing thing and trying to make things right and appealing. I think I told a really good fan story this time around to warrant some good feedback.
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Grandma Bear
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I watched What Lies Beneath last night. It was good, but I think I know why I hadnít watched it earlier. Iím just not a believer in supernatural stuff, so I just donít seek them out. I cringed when Claire stepped on that piece of glass and thought, oh no, is my script that cliche?

Like I said yesterday, I really really appreciate your feedback and suggestions. When you pay for feedback, you never get the chance to ask questions or explain certain things when the reader misinterprets certain things. A couple of people from here read the first draft. I almost feel like I need to send them some sort of gift for Christmas. It was clear early on that this script didnít bowl anyone over, but unlike how I usually do things, I decided to rewrite and rewrite until it became at least decent. Iím happy to say that I honestly think itís at least 10x better than it was. So, even if the script isnít quite there yet, I will continue to work on it until I get it there.

Also, for anyone who might consider reading it, I sent Don an updated draft today and he has already swapped it. The newest draft has only minor tweaks and some rearranging of scenes and not really anything of the things you mentioned, so you didnít really miss anything.


Quoted from jwent6688

I gave this a read this morning. Last time I posted a feature here it got one read and dropped through the portal like a lead bomb. So, I decided to bump this and see if we can't get it some more looks.

That was VERY kind of you! I donít remember seeing your script. If I did, I might have been busy or something. Iíd like to return the favor though. Just point the way. Was it a feature version of your light house short?

People read more here in the old days. Maybe Iím part of the blame since I donít read much myself anymoreÖ


Quoted from jwent6688
I like the setup here. Couple moves into an old house. Nosy old neighbor who I'm sure will come into play later and does. Mystery builds as things go bump in the night. It's a tried and true formula.

I wrote this with the idea that Dena and I could film it ourselves on a budget. Few locations, few characters. Not sure that will happen, but thatís why itís a bit constrained. Hard to come up with original stuff. One thing the people that have read it so far see to like is that they move into a murder house and plan to profit off of it and also the Pet-Cam POV.


Quoted from jwent6688
The Jonesy nickname immediately took me back to Aliens. So I was getting the cat vibes. BTW, you change the spelling throughout the script. Jonesy/Joansey. I would do a quick search and fix.

I think I fixed that with the draft that is now up. I will double-check tomorrow. Ellie is also an Alien reference, with Ripleyís first name being Ellen.


Quoted from jwent6688
Around page 35 Ashley heads to the store, Joan is outside working on something and then Ashley's upstairs in the murder room. The whole sequence threw me for a loop. It felt like Ashley snuck back into the house for some reason.

Actually, Ashley never left. When sheís on her way out the door, she peers up that staircase to the second floor and decides to go up there first. I guess I need to make that more clear. She absolutely never left.


Quoted from jwent6688
Page 61 It felt it very strange that Joan doesn't tell Ron over the phone that she's down a hole in the shed. How's he going to find her? I get it, you need to setup the search, but it could be better. Maybe her phone dies mid conversation or Derek attacks her before she can explain?

I will definitely look into that. The script gets less solid the later into it it gets. My explanation for that is that Iíve read the first 1/3 a hundred times, but the last 1/3 only twenty. It makes perfect sense I need to work on it.


Quoted from jwent6688
Having finished it, I have mixed thoughts on it. I'll be one to say you either need more pet-cam or maybe a title change. I liked the idea of a found footage hybrid. FF will always hold a dear place in my heart when done well.

I would LOVE to have more pet-cam POV, but I thought it would get boring and repetitive to keep showing stuff on either a computer monitor or phone screen. I am wide open for ideas here!


Quoted from jwent6688
I think my main issue here is that there's maybe too many twists and turns and a few of them don't feel like they're grown organically. More on that in a second.

First off, I think it gets confusing giving Joan two immediate goals. She has to bust out a new novel. She has to turn this place into a haunted B&B. I would stick with one or the other and maybe bring a little conflict into the relationship between her and Ron. This setup reminds me of What Lies Beneath (A fave of mine). Husband goes off to work. Wife home alone wondering if she's going crazy. I think it creates great tension.

In the current draft posted, I shuffled the scene with Ruelle, Joanís agent, up around 30 pages or so after it was suggested that happened too late in the script. Someone suggested scrapping the whole writer thing altogether, but IMO, they plan to turn the house into a haunted BnB just to raise interest in her books. I need to make that more clear as well.


Quoted from jwent6688
Maybe Ron hates when she gets her head deep into writing horror. She tends to become paranoid so he doesn't believe her at first when she says she's seeing things disappear or move. It would isolate her a little bit more.

I sort of agree with you here. I know I need to have some more friction between Joan and Ron. I wonít go the route of What Lies Beneath though with the husband cheating and such. IMHO, that has become cliche as well.


Quoted from jwent6688
Now, I love the idea of Derek being the third child nobody ever knew about. Maybe she finds that out herself and begins digging into it instead of having it explained to us by Violet?  An old photo she finds behind a wall or heating vent?

Yes. That is a good idea.


Quoted from jwent6688
Violet's husband's murder kind of came out of nowhere. Maybe you could drop a crumb about that early on. I wouldn't mind seeing the relationship between her and Derek a bit more twisted. Maybe even sexual. He was a complete shut in and the only compassion he's ever known was from her.

Sounds like something I need to make more clear. In my thinking, Violet and her husband lived the next door. Derekís dad kills the whole family, and then one year later, Violet sees Derek, the child, digging through her garbage. Motherís instinct kicks in, and she decides to help Derek. When her husbandís dementia gets really bad Derek offers to end his life out of mercy and he owes her for her years of help, so she agrees.


Quoted from jwent6688
Derek is a bit talky for my liking as a villain. Especially someone who hides in the dark. I like the split personalities, but I would pare down on the dialogue of evil Derek.

Heís like me, never shuts up!   Iíll work on it.


Quoted from jwent6688
I'd also like to see Joan fight her way out of this on her own some way. First, Violet decides to help her then Ron has to rescue her. I want to see her out think Derek when she's locked up. She's smart. She's a novelist.

I agree 100%. Again, I think this has to do more with it being at the end of the script and therefore I just havenít gone over it that many times.


Quoted from jwent6688
The whole trouble light electric shock thing had me googling answers. I'm pretty sure that wouldn't work in reality. It would deliver a nice jolt, but not eyeball melting from a 120 line with 15/20 amp breakers. If you have any electrician friends, maybe pick their brains on that one.

Agree again and probably the same answer as the one above.


Quoted from jwent6688
I like the bookends with Ellie on the run, but I think your mystery man in the cemetery needs a bit more of a setup or explanation. Maybe Joan can realize this isn't over from her hospital bed and then you take us to the cemetery. That would make a nice finish.
The mystery man at the cemetery is Derekís friend that assists him as he says, but I guess I need to make that more clear as well.


Quoted from jwent6688
I hope this doesn't seem like I didn't like it because I did. I'm just throwing darts here to see if anything sticks. Feel free to toss these notes in the trash.

I sat down and read this in one sitting, was happy I did. I think it would make a great film with a few minor tweaks.

I would never toss any feedback in the trash. I appreciate your input more than you know. I take it seriously.

Thank you again so much and hope youíll have some horror films coming in the near future.  


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