Pet-Cam by P.H. Cook - Horror - A couple's plan to convert a murder house into a haunted BnB unravels when their cat uncovers a secret underground lair, leading to a horrifying encounter with its tortured guardian with a fractured past.  96 pages

Production: Low budget. Few locations. Few characters. For sale.

Thanks, Don! That was quick.

This is something I wrote with the intention that Dena and I could film it. The house I had in mind is the one in which we filmed Pumpkin Nightmare 2. Will we actually end up filming it? Who knows. I don't particularly enjoy the filmmaking part, and I'm trying to switch over to prose, but we'll see.  

Bumping this cause it's a terrific script, Pia!

Will read again but I will say I came away thinking I wanted just a smidge more of the actual Pet Cam as a device to up the Horror and suspense and as a way for Ron to find Joan.

'Jonesy' -  nice ode to Alien.

Libby!!! Nice to see someone responding.

I've had three people reading this. That's it. I figured people hated it and just didn't want to respond with negative comments, so I sent it out for coverage several times, and it actually got a few CONSIDERS. I've had it on Inktip and Blacklist, and no one is interested. I've come to the conclusion that it just isn't a story anyone is interested in.  

I had a few people say they wanted more Pet-Cam stuff, so I added more, but then got comments saying it was visually boring watching the videos on either a phone or computer screen, so I scaled it back again.

Jonesy. Yes! Ellie is for Ellen Ripley and the cat is orange, so yes. Alien baby! Glad you picked up on that. No one else has.

Thanks again Libby! You rock!  

What can I say? This had your name on it making it a must read. I was not disappointed.

I think it had the right amount of pet cam scenes. I realize that it's in the title but there's enough screen-time to make it relevant. It played a part in the early buildup and contributed to the climax. I liked how it justified the creepy, low level, cat-cam shots. Plus, it turned me from an observer looking in from the fourth wall into a participating character, observing from inside the scene. Maybe I always wanted to be a cat.

The right director will wring their hands reading this. I expect to see this on the big screen.

I didn't pick up on the Alien connection. I love cinematic trivia like that. It's why I watch Svengoolie.

However, I may have trouble sleeping tonight.

Quoted from D.A.Banaszak What can I say? This had your name on it making it a must read. I was not disappointed.

That's very kind of you.  

Quoted from D.A.Banaszak I think it had the right amount of pet cam scenes. I realize that it's in the title but there's enough screen-time to make it relevant. It played a part in the early buildup and contributed to the climax. I liked how it justified the creepy, low level, cat-cam shots. Plus, it turned me from an observer looking in from the fourth wall into a participating character, observing from inside the scene. Maybe I always wanted to be a cat.

This one is the third draft and it could still use a couple of more passes, but I'm fairly happy with this one. I have one question though, the reviews/coverage that I paid for, they said I needed to work on the theme of capitalizing on the tragedy vs respect. IMHO, the theme is stated right there around page ten or so like in most films and it is as Joan puts it, there are no ghosts. The only monsters out there are humans. That's what we should be afraid of. No one picked up on this at all. I didn't intend for the theme to be about money and a murderous past. Was the theme I intended really that weak?

Quoted from D.A.Banaszak The right director will wring their hands reading this. I expect to see this on the big screen.

I appreciate that, but that's probably a little too optimistic. I would like to see someone make it into film though. Everything I wrote, I know I could pull off and/or cheat. Also, one of the readers said it's too hard to make cats do anything. The cat doesn't really do anything. The pet-cam views are just done with a camera.

Cheers for checking this one out and let me know if I can return the favor.  

Quoted from Grandma Bear ...I have one question though, the reviews/coverage that I paid for, they said I needed to work on the theme of capitalizing on the tragedy vs respect. IMHO, the theme is stated right there around page ten or so like in most films and it is as Joan puts it, there are no ghosts. The only monsters out there are humans. That's what we should be afraid of. No one picked up on this at all. I didn't intend for the theme to be about money and a murderous past. Was the theme I intended really that weak?

Nope it isn't weak at all. It's in your opening and in your denouement.

JOAN
Real people died here, Ash. Got to
show some respect. I was thinking
more like some sort of memorial.

She turns around to leave. The figure is gone.
Ashley gives her the theatrical eye roll.

ASHLEY
The people that will want to stay
in your murder house will be freaks
like us who are fascinated by
death. They don’t come to say a
prayer or put flowers down at a
memorial.

JOAN
It’s about balance. Keeping the
intrigue alive but not forgetting
the human lives lost.

It's a Horror movie so to me this is quite clear and sufficient. You can't ram theme down people's throats repeatedly.

The characters pay for what they have planned for the house. Joan nearly loses her life and her best friend dies so the cautionary tale element is front and centre.

Of course it looks like Joan is going to profit by the experience with her new book at the end but I think like I said, this is surely commentary on the type of world we live in and it's honest.

JOAN
This one practically wrote itself.
The story has changed though.
Instead of a supernatural horror
it’s now about the horror of human
tragedy and the psychological scars
it leaves behind.

You could have gone two ways with this. If you changed that ending to Joan refusing to write the book because she believes it's exploitative she might come off as more likeable but I think it's commentary in itself. This part I might ponder but as far as the theme your critic mentioned how far do you need to go. Rhetorical question that.

I didn’t pick up on Joan’s line on page 13 as the theme. I took it as a piece of character development in that she didn’t believe in ghosts. I then wondered if the creepy happenings were in fact caused by something supernatural and that she would find out that there were such things as ghosts. It added an extra dimension of intrigue for me. I also wondered if the cat ate the leftovers. When the cat-cam revealed that Ellie did not eat the leftovers is when I caught onto the theme.

When the cause of the creepy events was revealed, I liked that it all made sense and that there was a breadcrumb trail of foreboding. I found myself thinking, “Well, Joan warned me.”

I understand that using a cat to film the pet-cam scenes would require some degree of a mind meld to make it happen. You would likely need to use a radio controlled car with a mount that could bounce and pivot to mimic a cat-cam. My comment was geared toward the use of a ‘pet-cam’ in the script. In a famous chase scene from the film, the Seven-Ups, a police drama from the 70’s, several shots were made from the bumpers of the cars. I think scenes like that would be even more riveting if in the story, somebody was hanging onto the bumper for their life. Then it would be more than an adrenaline-raising camera angle. We would be seeing somebody’s precarious point of view.

In Pet-Cam, you have done just that. We’re not just seeing a low-angled, creepy shot, we’re seeing Ellie’s point of view. On top of that, the camera works its way into being a pivotal part of the story. I like that.

Yes, I am an optimist.  I wish you luck with this.

Quoted from LC Nope it isn't weak at all. It's in your opening and in your denouement.

I suspect that they must be speed reading or skimming. I just thought it was weird two readers said the same thing. Like you said, you don't want to beat people over the head with it.

Quoted from LC You could have gone two ways with this. If you changed that ending to Joan refusing to write the book because she believes it's exploitative she might come off as more likeable but I think it's commentary in itself. This part I might ponder but as far as the theme your critic mentioned how far do you need to go. Rhetorical question that.

I will keep that suggestion in mind. As always, the ending has been read and tweaked fewer times than the beginning which is why I think most scripts start out much stronger than they end. I like your suggestion there, so I will tinker with that idea. As always, Thank You!!!  

Quoted from D.A.Banaszak I didn’t pick up on Joan’s line on page 13 as the theme. I took it as a piece of character development in that she didn’t believe in ghosts. I then wondered if the creepy happenings were in fact caused by something supernatural and that she would find out that there were such things as ghosts. It added an extra dimension of intrigue for me. I also wondered if the cat ate the leftovers. When the cat-cam revealed that Ellie did not eat the leftovers is when I caught onto the theme.When the cause of the creepy events was revealed, I liked that it all made sense and that there was a breadcrumb trail of foreboding. I found myself thinking, “Well, Joan warned me.”

I'm not a huge Save The Cat fan, but he always point out the theme stated in around page 10 or so. In The Ring for example, it was as simple as the character saying, I hate television.  So, maybe it's okay if it's a little vague. Like I said to Libby, I suspect those readers might just be skimming the scripts or speed reading.

Quoted from D.A.Banaszak I understand that using a cat to film the pet-cam scenes would require some degree of a mind meld to make it happen. You would likely need to use a radio controlled car with a mount that could bounce and pivot to mimic a cat-cam. My comment was geared toward the use of a ‘pet-cam’ in the script. In a famous chase scene from the film, the Seven-Ups, a police drama from the 70’s, several shots were made from the bumpers of the cars. I think scenes like that would be even more riveting if in the story, somebody was hanging onto the bumper for their life. Then it would be more than an adrenaline-raising camera angle. We would be seeing somebody’s precarious point of view. In Pet-Cam, you have done just that. We’re not just seeing a low-angled, creepy shot, we’re seeing Ellie’s point of view. On top of that, the camera works its way into being a pivotal part of the story. I like that.

We did something similar in another short we filmed and it was as simple as the cameraman holding the camera low to the floor and just moving it along as if it was a cat/creature's POV. The fact that it was handheld and not steady just made it more real. Lots of cheats and trickery in film.  

Thanks again to both of you.  

Wait, so is this just a script or is it being produced?

Quoted from DevonteHuntley Wait, so is this just a script or is it being produced?

Just a script, but I wrote it with the intent of filming it myself, but I'm not sure my partner in film is up to it at the moment.  

Hey Pia,

I gave this a read this morning. Last time I posted a feature here it got one read and dropped through the portal like a lead bomb. So, I decided to bump this and see if we can't get it some more looks.

I like the setup here. Couple moves into an old house. Nosy old neighbor who I'm sure will come into play later and does. Mystery builds as things go bump in the night. It's a tried and true formula.

The Jonesy nickname immediately took me back to Aliens. So I was getting the cat vibes. BTW, you change the spelling throughout the script. Jonesy/Joansey. I would do a quick search and fix.

Around page 35 Ashley heads to the store, Joan is outside working on something and then Ashley's upstairs in the murder room. The whole sequence threw me for a loop. It felt like Ashley snuck back into the house for some reason.

Page 61 It felt it very strange that Joan doesn't tell Ron over the phone that she's down a hole in the shed. How's he going to find her? I get it, you need to setup the search, but it could be better. Maybe her phone dies mid conversation or Derek attacks her before she can explain?

I didn't take page by page notes, but I though those two were worth mentioning.

Having finished it, I have mixed thoughts on it. I'll be one to say you either need more pet-cam or maybe a title change. I liked the idea of a found footage hybrid. FF will always hold a dear place in my heart when done well.

I think my main issue here is that there's maybe too many twists and turns and a few of them don't feel like they're grown organically. More on that in a second.

First off, I think it gets confusing giving Joan two immediate goals. She has to bust out a new novel. She has to turn this place into a haunted B&B. I would stick with one or the other and maybe bring a little conflict into the relationship between her and Ron. This setup reminds me of What Lies Beneath (A fave of mine). Husband goes off to work. Wife home alone wondering if she's going crazy. I think it creates great tension.

Maybe Ron hates when she gets her head deep into writing horror. She tends to become paranoid so he doesn't believe her at first when she says she's seeing things disappear or move. It would isolate her a little bit more.

Now, I love the idea of Derek being the third child nobody ever knew about. Maybe she finds that out herself and begins digging into it instead of having it explained to us by Violet?  An old photo she finds behind a wall or heating vent?

Violet's husband's murder kind of came out of nowhere. Maybe you could drop a crumb about that early on. I wouldn't mind seeing the relationship between her and Derek a bit more twisted. Maybe even sexual. He was a complete shut in and the only compassion he's ever known was from her.

Derek is a bit talky for my liking as a villain. Especially someone who hides in the dark. I like the split personalities, but I would pare down on the dialogue of evil Derek.

I'd also like to see Joan fight her way out of this on her own some way. First, Violet decides to help her then Ron has to rescue her. I want to see her out think Derek when she's locked up. She's smart. She's a novelist.

The whole trouble light electric shock thing had me googling answers. I'm pretty sure that wouldn't work in reality. It would deliver a nice jolt, but not eyeball melting from a 120 line with 15/20 amp breakers. If you have any electrician friends, maybe pick their brains on that one.

I like the bookends with Ellie on the run, but I think your mystery man in the cemetery needs a bit more of a setup or explanation. Maybe Joan can realize this isn't over from her hospital bed and then you take us to the cemetery. That would make a nice finish.

I hope this doesn't seem like I didn't like it because I did. I'm just throwing darts here to see if anything sticks. Feel free to toss these notes in the trash.

I sat down and read this in one sitting, was happy I did. I think it would make a great film with a few minor tweaks.

Anyway,

Happy Thanksgiving!

James

What a NICE surprise!!! Invaluable feedback! Thank you! It's hard to get a script read here nowadays. Even shorts can be hard. Not sure why that has changed. Feel free to point me towards your feature you posted here and I'll read it over the weekend.

I will respond point by point tomorrow to your comments. Right now, I'm beat. I'm going to sit down and put my feet up and watch What Lies Beneath! I sort of recognize the title, but have never seen it which surprised me since I'm a fan of both Harrison Ford and Pheiffer.

Thank you again, and I'll be back tomorrow.  

Quoted from Grandma Bear What a NICE surprise!!! Invaluable feedback! Thank you! It's hard to get a script read here nowadays. Even shorts can be hard. Not sure why that has changed. Feel free to point me towards your feature you posted here and I'll read it over the weekend.

Consider yourself lucky. I'm still waiting for some feedback for my HALLOWEEN story, which is really long and in two parts. It's only been about three weeks since I had the current version posted so still early in the game here. But I assume my other version turned some off from reading through this one, but oh well. Just goes to show the struggles in this writing thing and trying to make things right and appealing. I think I told a really good fan story this time around to warrant some good feedback.

I watched What Lies Beneath last night. It was good, but I think I know why I hadn’t watched it earlier. I’m just not a believer in supernatural stuff, so I just don’t seek them out. I cringed when Claire stepped on that piece of glass and thought, oh no, is my script that cliche?

Like I said yesterday, I really really appreciate your feedback and suggestions. When you pay for feedback, you never get the chance to ask questions or explain certain things when the reader misinterprets certain things. A couple of people from here read the first draft. I almost feel like I need to send them some sort of gift for Christmas. It was clear early on that this script didn’t bowl anyone over, but unlike how I usually do things, I decided to rewrite and rewrite until it became at least decent. I’m happy to say that I honestly think it’s at least 10x better than it was. So, even if the script isn’t quite there yet, I will continue to work on it until I get it there.

Also, for anyone who might consider reading it, I sent Don an updated draft today and he has already swapped it. The newest draft has only minor tweaks and some rearranging of scenes and not really anything of the things you mentioned, so you didn’t really miss anything.

Quoted from jwent6688 I gave this a read this morning. Last time I posted a feature here it got one read and dropped through the portal like a lead bomb. So, I decided to bump this and see if we can't get it some more looks.

That was VERY kind of you! I don’t remember seeing your script. If I did, I might have been busy or something. I’d like to return the favor though. Just point the way. Was it a feature version of your light house short?

People read more here in the old days. Maybe I’m part of the blame since I don’t read much myself anymore…

Quoted from jwent6688 I like the setup here. Couple moves into an old house. Nosy old neighbor who I'm sure will come into play later and does. Mystery builds as things go bump in the night. It's a tried and true formula.

I wrote this with the idea that Dena and I could film it ourselves on a budget. Few locations, few characters. Not sure that will happen, but that’s why it’s a bit constrained. Hard to come up with original stuff. One thing the people that have read it so far see to like is that they move into a murder house and plan to profit off of it and also the Pet-Cam POV.

Quoted from jwent6688 The Jonesy nickname immediately took me back to Aliens. So I was getting the cat vibes. BTW, you change the spelling throughout the script. Jonesy/Joansey. I would do a quick search and fix.

I think I fixed that with the draft that is now up. I will double-check tomorrow. Ellie is also an Alien reference, with Ripley’s first name being Ellen.

Quoted from jwent6688 Around page 35 Ashley heads to the store, Joan is outside working on something and then Ashley's upstairs in the murder room. The whole sequence threw me for a loop. It felt like Ashley snuck back into the house for some reason.

Actually, Ashley never left. When she’s on her way out the door, she peers up that staircase to the second floor and decides to go up there first. I guess I need to make that more clear. She absolutely never left.

Quoted from jwent6688 Page 61 It felt it very strange that Joan doesn't tell Ron over the phone that she's down a hole in the shed. How's he going to find her? I get it, you need to setup the search, but it could be better. Maybe her phone dies mid conversation or Derek attacks her before she can explain?

I will definitely look into that. The script gets less solid the later into it it gets. My explanation for that is that I’ve read the first 1/3 a hundred times, but the last 1/3 only twenty. It makes perfect sense I need to work on it.

Quoted from jwent6688 Having finished it, I have mixed thoughts on it. I'll be one to say you either need more pet-cam or maybe a title change. I liked the idea of a found footage hybrid. FF will always hold a dear place in my heart when done well.

I would LOVE to have more pet-cam POV, but I thought it would get boring and repetitive to keep showing stuff on either a computer monitor or phone screen. I am wide open for ideas here!

Quoted from jwent6688 I think my main issue here is that there's maybe too many twists and turns and a few of them don't feel like they're grown organically. More on that in a second. First off, I think it gets confusing giving Joan two immediate goals. She has to bust out a new novel. She has to turn this place into a haunted B&B. I would stick with one or the other and maybe bring a little conflict into the relationship between her and Ron. This setup reminds me of What Lies Beneath (A fave of mine). Husband goes off to work. Wife home alone wondering if she's going crazy. I think it creates great tension.

In the current draft posted, I shuffled the scene with Ruelle, Joan’s agent, up around 30 pages or so after it was suggested that happened too late in the script. Someone suggested scrapping the whole writer thing altogether, but IMO, they plan to turn the house into a haunted BnB just to raise interest in her books. I need to make that more clear as well.

Quoted from jwent6688 Maybe Ron hates when she gets her head deep into writing horror. She tends to become paranoid so he doesn't believe her at first when she says she's seeing things disappear or move. It would isolate her a little bit more.

I sort of agree with you here. I know I need to have some more friction between Joan and Ron. I won’t go the route of What Lies Beneath though with the husband cheating and such. IMHO, that has become cliche as well.

Quoted from jwent6688 Now, I love the idea of Derek being the third child nobody ever knew about. Maybe she finds that out herself and begins digging into it instead of having it explained to us by Violet?  An old photo she finds behind a wall or heating vent?

Yes. That is a good idea.

Quoted from jwent6688 Violet's husband's murder kind of came out of nowhere. Maybe you could drop a crumb about that early on. I wouldn't mind seeing the relationship between her and Derek a bit more twisted. Maybe even sexual. He was a complete shut in and the only compassion he's ever known was from her.

Sounds like something I need to make more clear. In my thinking, Violet and her husband lived the next door. Derek’s dad kills the whole family, and then one year later, Violet sees Derek, the child, digging through her garbage. Mother’s instinct kicks in, and she decides to help Derek. When her husband’s dementia gets really bad Derek offers to end his life out of mercy and he owes her for her years of help, so she agrees.

Quoted from jwent6688 Derek is a bit talky for my liking as a villain. Especially someone who hides in the dark. I like the split personalities, but I would pare down on the dialogue of evil Derek.

He’s like me, never shuts up!   I’ll work on it.

Quoted from jwent6688 I'd also like to see Joan fight her way out of this on her own some way. First, Violet decides to help her then Ron has to rescue her. I want to see her out think Derek when she's locked up. She's smart. She's a novelist.

I agree 100%. Again, I think this has to do more with it being at the end of the script and therefore I just haven’t gone over it that many times.

Quoted from jwent6688 The whole trouble light electric shock thing had me googling answers. I'm pretty sure that wouldn't work in reality. It would deliver a nice jolt, but not eyeball melting from a 120 line with 15/20 amp breakers. If you have any electrician friends, maybe pick their brains on that one.

Agree again and probably the same answer as the one above.

Quoted from jwent6688 I like the bookends with Ellie on the run, but I think your mystery man in the cemetery needs a bit more of a setup or explanation. Maybe Joan can realize this isn't over from her hospital bed and then you take us to the cemetery. That would make a nice finish.

The mystery man at the cemetery is Derek’s friend that assists him as he says, but I guess I need to make that more clear as well.

Quoted from jwent6688 I hope this doesn't seem like I didn't like it because I did. I'm just throwing darts here to see if anything sticks. Feel free to toss these notes in the trash. I sat down and read this in one sitting, was happy I did. I think it would make a great film with a few minor tweaks.

I would never toss any feedback in the trash. I appreciate your input more than you know. I take it seriously.

Thank you again so much and hope you’ll have some horror films coming in the near future.  

Quoted from DevonteHuntley Consider yourself lucky. I'm still waiting for some feedback for my HALLOWEEN story, which is really long and in two parts. It's only been about three weeks since I had the current version posted so still early in the game here. But I assume my other version turned some off from reading through this one, but oh well. Just goes to show the struggles in this writing thing and trying to make things right and appealing. I think I told a really good fan story this time around to warrant some good feedback.

Well, I've been a member here since Sep -05. I've read hundreds, if not close to a thousand scripts here by now. A lot of people know me from way back. That's not to say you can't get people to read your script, but I can say from having been here for so long, fan fiction rarely get a lot of reads. Probably because they have basically no chance to become movies. I know that sucks, but that's my experience here. Keep writing though, but write original material that you come up with.  

You could also try to see if anyone is interested in a script exchange.

I haven't entered any competitions in years, but this year, I decided I was going to give it a try. I also decided to get serious about rewrites for once having been notorious for never doing any. I entered PC into a minor comp earlier this year and it was a QF. This encouraged me to do another rewrite and then I entered it into Screencraft's horror comp and today I was notified it's a Quarter Finalist even there. This one had 1200 entries, not quite Nicholls, but it gave me a pretty big boost. I guess rewrites are really that important.   This comp gives everyone five days to upload another draft! Didn't know they do that. So, the draft I entered was the one that is posted here now, but I'm already on the second draft after that. So, I'll be busy the next five days trying to make it better. Thanks to all who read. I took all comments into consideration.  

Did anyone else enter? I saw Ryan Lee's name on the list.

Fantastic news, Pia!

Congrats, Pia!

I'm not surprised. It's a good script "as is" and doesn't need much of a rewrite. Just maybe address some of those confusing moments for the audience.

I almost entered Screencraft's horror with the one I made finalist at Page with, but wanted to rewrite it first. Never got back around to it. Nice to see Ryan Lee is still out there writing. He was talented too.

Best of luck with it. If you can fund it, this would be a good one to make.

James

Thanks, you two!  

Late last night, I was contacted by a prod-co in LA interested in producing it. I asked where they found it, and they said it was here at SS. I ended up having to say no thank you because I'm determined to continue to work on this script until I just can't get it any better. In other words, I want to see how far I can take it.

Has anyone else been contacted lately by a prod-co about your script? They didn't seem to be only interested in horror and they apparently are going through a lot of scripts here.

Quoted from Grandma Bear Thanks, you two!   Late last night, I was contacted by a prod-co in LA interested in producing it. I asked where they found it, and they said it was here at SS. I ended up having to say no thank you because I'm determined to continue to work on this script until I just can't get it any better. In other words, I want to see how far I can take it. Has anyone else been contacted lately by a prod-co about your script? They didn't seem to be only interested in horror and they apparently are going through a lot of scripts here.

OH MAN. Dude, you had the greenlit of your lifetime and you passed on it. I hope you made the right decision. Hollywood is very smuggy these days. Hard to get a producer to even get look at your material let alone an email asking them to. You really think your story needed more tweaking and if so, you didn't think you could work with the producer to accomplish this than cancelling them completely to do this on your own?

On top of that, it's good to know producers actually come through here looking for material. I didn't think they did that. Give me a BIT of hope I guess, not always having to waste money on these sites to make due with my work. So far I've done that with InkTip on and off the last four years, which is the cheapest out of the bunch, but no luck yet. I recently subbed them again last month due to a two-month discount to give it another go. No luck yet. A lot of logline reading, but nothing further than that.

First off, I wasn’t contacted by Blumhouse or a big studio like that. They appear to be a fairly new company expanding into features. I did not see this as an opportunity of a lifetime because I’ve been here before. I’ve had a few scripts made, but this time, I wanted to see how good I could make this script before I “gave it away” for peanuts.

When it comes to getting eyes on your scripts, I can tell you without a doubt that SS gets far more views from producers than any other website. I’ve been around a long time, and I’ve tried Inktip, Script Revolution, and some other ones I can’t think of the names right now, but SS has got me more scripts produced than any other service/website ever. And that’s the truth.  

WONDERFUL. So you're quite the accomplishment and success story whose been through this already. Well congrats and thanks for informing me how gracious this site truly is. Now I know where to REALLY put my work for big eyes. I was thinking this was just a place to get casual people to read your work and give feedback on what they thought and could be done better. It's more than what I imagined it to be.

Not sure what kind of studios you're seeking to make your own, but I'm not aiming for big named ones. I mean, if one comes around and contacts me then fine, but I'm open to smaller and new ones and prefer them more because I believe in movies being made on a cheaper and more independent scale and these studios seem to focus more on the heart and quality of movies than your typical Hollywood cliche tropes that prevents them from taking risks and doing things different.

I'm giving Inktip another month for this one story I have for viewing. I had two on there, but I decided not to renew my payment for the additional script but the two-month discount for the main one is still in effect, so I want to put that to more use. As I stated, I'm mainly getting logline views and it sucks. I wish someone can READ more than just that because the loglines are good and informative that should lead to checking out the synopsis and maybe even the scripts themselves, but nada. I have some viewing the loglines multiple times but nothing further as if they're at a conflict to continue on more and be interested to bring the stories to life. It just tears me inside. So if this site is as good as you're making it out to be, then thank you for existing and giving me a new platform of potential success free of charge ontop of it. -_-

Quoted from DevonteHuntley WONDERFUL. So you're quite the accomplishment and success story whose been through this already. Well congrats and thanks for informing me how gracious this site truly is. Now I know where to REALLY put my work for big eyes. I was thinking this was just a place to get casual people to read your work and give feedback on what they thought and could be done better. It's more than what I imagined it to be.

I don’t know about success story. I have a lot of imdb credits, but that doesn’t really mean much anymore. Anyone can get a page nowadays. It’s not like it was 15 years ago.

Don makes sure everyone knows SS can’t guarantee anyone gets a script sold. And, like you said, the forum is mostly for posting your work and maybe receive some feedback. However, I know for a fact that producers/prod-cos peruse this website for scripts. Not the big studios, but independents and even medium sized ones. I also know that scripts get picked up/sold here every month. Sometimes, they even get stolen…

Quoted from DevonteHuntley Not sure what kind of studios you're seeking to make your own, but I'm not aiming for big named ones. I mean, if one comes around and contacts me then fine, but I'm open to smaller and new ones and prefer them more because I believe in movies being made on a cheaper and more independent scale and these studios seem to focus more on the heart and quality of movies than your typical Hollywood cliche tropes that prevents them from taking risks and doing things different.

You might feel differently about that once you’ve had a few produced and you realize that the films didn’t quite turnout the way you had imagined they would. I think I know more people that have been disappointed than happy with their films, but it all depends. It’s not easy making films. I know this from personal experience as well.

Quoted from DevonteHuntley I'm giving Inktip another month for this one story I have for viewing. I had two on there, but I decided not to renew my payment for the additional script but the two-month discount for the main one is still in effect, so I want to put that to more use. As I stated, I'm mainly getting logline views and it sucks. I wish someone can READ more than just that because the loglines are good and informative that should lead to checking out the synopsis and maybe even the scripts themselves, but nada. I have some viewing the loglines multiple times but nothing further as if they're at a conflict to continue on more and be interested to bring the stories to life. It just tears me inside. So if this site is as good as you're making it out to be, then thank you for existing and giving me a new platform of potential success free of charge ontop of it. -_-

Inktip Logline views are kind of similar to these boards here at SS in a way. When someone searches for a script on Inktip, they can enter certain criteria they are looking for. Genre, budget, rating… Once they enter that, a page with a lot of different loglines pop up. So, when you see your logline has been reviewed it just means that someone has seen that page with a long list of loglines. It does not mean they are coming back to read yours over and over. Just like here. Your script’s thread might have 500 views. All that means is that that script thread’s page has been opened. It does not mean all those people downloaded or read your script.

I’ll end this by quoting Robert McKee’s Story, or at least close to what he said, it’s been a few years… “Everyone in Hollywood is looking for a great story.” I believe this to be true. In other words, if you have a truly great story/script, people will find it and they will come to you.  

I'll add this, if you want to know how your script stacks up against the competition, you can post it on the Blacklist website and pay for an evaluation. They are pretty tough, but they are probably pretty honest. Pet-Cam got a 6. My goal is to rewrite it until I get a 7, at least. That will be hard.

Quoted from Grandma Bear I don't know about success story. I have a lot of imdb credits, but that doesn't really mean much anymore. Anyone can get a page nowadays. It's not like it was 15 years ago.

I mean, you must have been active during these productions like any other writer in a movie or TV show right?

Quoted from Grandma Bear Don makes sure everyone knows SS can't guarantee anyone gets a script sold. And, like you said, the forum is mostly for posting your work and maybe receive some feedback. However, I know for a fact that producers/prod-cos peruse this website for scripts. Not the big studios, but independents and even medium sized ones. I also know that scripts get picked up/sold here every month. Sometimes, they even get stolen...

Yes, Don assured me of that especially with my Halloween fan fic since it wasn't an entirely original thing since it's based on existing material. But given what you said about the producers coming here to seek things more-so than your usual Inktip or Blacklist sites, then that already brings a smile to my face.

Yes, always fear work getting stolen which is why I was hesitant to even put my work out there on any site. That better not happen to me or there will be HELL to pay because I work hard on my material, fan-fic or not.

Quoted from Grandma Bear You might feel differently about that once you've had a few produced and you realize that the films didn't quite turnout the way you had imagined they would. I think I know more people that have been disappointed than happy with their films, but it all depends. It's not easy making films. I know this from personal experience as well.

I expect this. Hopefully I get with the right people who can do justice, even if changes are involved and that's always a guarantee for a number of reasons. I tend to write really long stories and my dialogue in screenplays can be draggy since I'm more of a novelist anyway.

Quoted from Grandma Bear Inktip Logline views are kind of similar to these boards here at SS in a way. When someone searches for a script on Inktip, they can enter certain criteria they are looking for. Genre, budget, rating... Once they enter that, a page with a lot of different loglines pop up. So, when you see your logline has been reviewed it just means that someone has seen that page with a long list of loglines. It does not mean they are coming back to read yours over and over. Just like here. Your script's thread might have 500 views. All that means is that that script thread's page has been opened. It does not mean all those people downloaded or read your script.

I know this as far as this site's way of things. But I wasn't quite sure what the Inktip deal was with that.  

Quoted from Grandma Bear I'll end this by quoting Robert McKee's Story, or at least close to what he said, it's been a few years... "Everyone in Hollywood is looking for a great story." I believe this to be true. In other words, if you have a truly great story/script, people will find it and they will come to you.

One can only hope! I've been waiting and being anxious for years now. I want to get my shot.

First off, this is my script Pet-Cam’s thread. If you need to discuss these other issues, please pm me with questions or start a new thread under General Chat.  

Quoted from DevonteHuntley I mean, you must have been active during these productions like any other writer in a movie or TV show right?

No. I have not been part of any production at all. Usually, they take your script and do whatever they want with it. Sometimes, they even forget to tell you when the film has been completed. As a writer, you are usually the very lowest rung on the ladder. Sadly, but true.

Quoted from DevonteHuntley Yes, Don assured me of that especially with my Halloween fan fic since it was an entirely original thing since it's based on existing material. But given what you said about the producers coming here to seek things more-so than your usual Inktip or Blacklist sites, then that already brings a smile to my face.

I never said that about the Blacklist site. I mentioned Blacklist because it will give you a sense of how your script stacks up against the competition. Producer/directors do check for scripts there, but from what I understand, no one ever looks at scripts with a score lower than a 7. Pet-Cam is a 6 which is the average there.

Quoted from DevonteHuntley Yes, always fear work getting stolen which is why I was hesitant to even put my work out there on any site. That better not happen to me or there will be HELL to pay because I work hard on my material, fan-fic or not.

Not as easy as you might think. I know of a member here who had his script stolen and produced in India. It was on Netflix. The writer was furious. He contacted a lawyer and was told it would cost a minimum of $7000 to fight this. Would you cough up this amount to fight it? It’s a chance we have to take though. No one’s going to be searching for your scripts. You have to put them out there.

Quoted from DevonteHuntley Hopefully I get with the right people who can do justice. I tend to write really long stories and my dialogue in screenplays can be draggy since I'm more of a novelist anyway.

This is a BIG thing against you right there.

Quoted from Grandma Bear First off, this is my script Pet-Cam's thread. If you need to discuss these other issues, please pm me with questions or start a new thread under General Chat.

Fair enough. I wasn't trying to make this conversation draggy anyway. That just happened unexpectedly, so I'll take this to PM now. I had to briefly edit my last comment where I first mention my Halloween fan fic since it meant to read it wasn't an entirely original thing, not was. After saving that, all the punctuation marks everywhere else became black diamonds with question marks in them for some reason, so I had to edit that out. Ugh, internet is weird.

But yeah, carrying this over to PM now.

Since I wrote this script with the intention of producing/directing it myself, it's been a bit disappointing that it's not getting much love from anyone. I'm not used to people being bored by my scripts!!!   It's an okay script, but I need it to be better in order to even consider shooting it. I'm not sure my partner in film is up for making films right now, so I've shifted focus. I want to make this script better and then see if I can get it to a 7 on the Blacklist website. It's currently a solid 6, which is average. As a last-ditch effort, I decided to get some professional help. That's expensive, but I was willing to give it a shot before I put Pet-Cam on the shelf and forget about it. I decided to go with Charlie Vignola, ScriptGenius. He's worked in the industry for decades and thirty years for Jerry Bruckheimer, doing exactly this, getting scripts in shape for production companies. I got script notes and a near two hour video meeting that he recorded, so I have that to go back to as well. I learned quite a few new things, so it was worth it to me. I have attached a link to the script with his notes written on it in case anyone is interested.

https://drive.google.com/file/d/1JS0_DsXBbO_xXjcdWh4JJYZ4wR3QFaxC/view?usp=sharing

Pia, thanks for posting!
You have a lot of great notes and I can only imagine you got a lot more valuable info from the video consult.

Care to share anything standout that you learned; that perhaps you didn't know before?

Quoted from LC Care to share anything standout that you learned; that perhaps you didn't know before?

There was a lot to absorb, so I'm going to have to listen to our conversation again. I'm a little too busy right now, but when I do go back to do the next, hopefully last, rewrite, I will have a more clear idea of what I need to do. He was pricey, but I felt I was talking to a real pro in the business, not just someone who's sniffed it from the outside. I would share the video consult, but I don't want to without his permission and I don't want to ask for that.  

Btw, he asked me what else I'm working on and I mentioned Killer Cargo and he said he'd love to read it because he worked with Bruckheimer on Con-Air!  

I looked him up, and yep you felt like that cause you were actually talking to a real Pro. Sounds like a great experience and well worth the price-tag.

Wow, would definitely take him up on the offer to read Killer Cargo, but I'd like to read it first. Of course I realise it needs writing first. How far are you into it? I know you have other interruptions at the moment..  

Every now and then I think we must finish/rewrite Relentless - I still think something good is at the core of that. When I was reading Scriptshadow the other day Carson was talking about the character building being key to the success of films like it and I agree.

Quoted from LC I looked him up, and yep you felt like that cause you were actually talking to a real Pro. Sounds like a great experience and well worth the price-tag.

Well, it's not something I could afford for every script, but if you add up several coverage/feedback charges and so on, it doesn't take long before you're at the same price tag. I think Carson charges $500... I only did this because I either want to shoot this myself or sell it and I needed to find out if it was even worth the pursuit or if I should just give up on this one.

Quoted from LC Wow, would definitely take him up on the offer to read Killer Cargo, but I'd like to read it first. Of course I realise it needs writing first. How far are you into it? I know you have other interruptions at the moment..

LOL! Yeah, I'm not keen on putting first drafts of features up online for the world to see. Does Scriptshadow even have a plan for those who actually finished a script?

Quoted from LC Every now and then I think we must finish/rewrite Relentless - I still think something good is at the core of that. When I was reading Scriptshadow the other day Carson was talking about the character building being key to the success of films like it and I agree.

Yes! And, that was one thing he was talking about. He said that he's currently working on casting for a movie and you need to ask yourself, these actors do 3-5 films/year, what is it about your characters that would make them chose your project over the other hundred they were sent.

I know the characters in Pet-Cam need work and I think it might stem from me being so used to writing shorts that it's a big thing that I really need to work on transitioning into features and short stories.

Quoted from Grandma Bear https://drive.google.com/file/d/1JS0_DsXBbO_xXjcdWh4JJYZ4wR3QFaxC/view?usp=sharing

Thanks for sharing this! He certainly seems to know his stuff. I'm curious about the "fix spacing" between scene headers. It looks fine to me? I really like your premise here. Sounds like you're in the midst of making some edits, but let me know once you have a latest draft. Would love to read!

Quoted from kev Thanks for sharing this! He certainly seems to know his stuff. I'm curious about the "fix spacing" between scene headers. It looks fine to me? I really like your premise here. Sounds like you're in the midst of making some edits, but let me know once you have a latest draft. Would love to read!

When I first read his comments on the script, I was embarrassed at my mistakes. Honestly, I've read the script so many times and the fact that I never noticed the spacing issues bothered me. We also had a conversation about mini slugs and CAPITALIZED words. I might go over it and share some day, but right now I've got my hands full with other real life stuff. I will definitely share here when I do the next rewrite. Right now I'm thinking I totally need to retink the first 30 pages, so it will be a rather big rewrite.  

I read this and had no idea there were spaces everywhere.

I noticed the CAPPED words he suggested are mostly sounds, shadows, props, POV of the Pet-Cam.

He doesn't seem to like Mini Slugs at all which I find interesting.
When you get time can you enlighten us on this cause I thought they were perfectly acceptable.

Most horror movie scripts I read start with something horrifying even if in prologue. I actually liked the creepiness of your opening scene and thought it was great. From the feedback he gave you however, it seems an opening scene detailing what happened to the previous residents (probably with some gruesome flashes) might be the way to go, and then segue to the backstory of 'why the BNB' for Joan and Ron.

This is a pretty ghastly visual:
An empty room with walls covered with whimsical wallpaper
spattered with old dried blood...
I'd discover more gruesome stuff too.

Bear in mind I've read the feedback so I'm influenced by what he's said (and easy for me to say) but I think it amounts to making this more overt Horror than Thriller.

I also think Joan's too successful.

Maybe Ron lost his job and Joan's Agent dropped her and didn't renew her contract.

I've read a few stories where people buy stigmatised houses cause they're cheap. Buyer beware. These two are fine with that cause they don't believe in ghosts or hauntings. Or maybe one of them is reluctant and doesn't like the idea but some situation means because of money they have no choice. This is all they can afford.

I'm not telling you anything you don't know probably but that's where I'd start with a rewrite.

Thanks for sharing these notes. Having read the script and offered my own two cents, I was curious to see what, if anything, he agreed with me on. I see he mentioned your title device as being underutilized. And that your protagonist should either settle at being a writer or a BNB rehabber, just not both. I saw it the same. Other than that, I just saw notes like a script editor. Many of which I don't agree with. I've seen every sacred rule of screenwriting broken in pro scripts.

I think Mini slugs should be double spaced. They're slugs. His example on page 13 is a contradiction. KITCHEN mini slug is double spaced and he said it needs fixed. Then put an INT. in front of it. Final draft will automatically double space it again. Again, I think this, and the caps and the italics are all trivial.

You definitely have an original concept in here. Hopefully one more rewrite will get you closer to where you need to be, but remember, all these pros and consultants can never tell what makes a good film. If so, Hollywood would never miss, and they do all the time. And so many scripts that would never get a 7 or 8 on the blacklist or place in a contest have made great films. If you believe in your story and your vision you just have to roll with it. Try putting together a look book or pitch deck for this film and see if you can get some interest in it. Any producer you would bring in will have their own notes for a rewrite.

And I've used Carson Reeves twice on scripts. I caught him on Superdeals for $200. He gives them out when he's slow on consults. I would never pay full price, but I'm not saying it's not worth it. Most insightful notes I've received on any scripts before. If you ever want to see them let me know. I'd be happy to share.

James

Pia,

I sifted through the script notes you got and agree, from what I remember, that you need to get the action started earlier in this one. It’s been a while since I read this so I won’t go on, but the constant notes on spacing and his dislike for mini slugs were a bit much.  Funny, but I space my minis the same way, as it’s basically a transition to a different location (scene) though it occurs in the same place, but, say, a different room. I’ve done a numbered draft on a feature once for a producer, and it’s my understanding that by spacing your minis that way your software will number them. Don’t know if either of us are overthinking this since, initially, you’re writing this to be read and not filmed. But anyway…

I hope the video was helpful as his page by page notes seemed sparse at best.

Steve

Quoted from LC I read this and had no idea there were spaces everywhere. I noticed the CAPPED words he suggested are mostly sounds, shadows, props, POV of the Pet-Cam.

He said, and remember he works in production, that they like to see things in CAPS if it’s anything worth paying extra attention to. I doubt I will start doing it more than I have. I use them, but sparingly.

Quoted from LC He doesn't seem to like Mini Slugs at all which I find interesting. When you get time can you enlighten us on this cause I thought they were perfectly acceptable.

He told me that anytime you have to move the lights to a new set-up/location to use full slugs. I told him that we as writers are kind of told that at this level we are basically writing for readers and should write in a way that makes the easiest fastest read. I honestly don’t remember the exact answer, but I have the recording, so I will go over it again when I tackle the rewrite, which could be a while since I’m working on KC.

Quoted from LC Most horror movie scripts I read start with something horrifying even if in prologue. I actually liked the creepiness of your opening scene and thought it was great. From the feedback he gave you however, it seems an opening scene detailing what happened to the previous residents (probably with some gruesome flashes) might be the way to go, and then segue to the backstory of 'why the BNB' for Joan and Ron.

There are a lot of things I need to change. I need to rethink the whole beginning, but he didn’t have a problem with how it started, more like by the end of  ACT he still didn’t know exactly what this story was about. What it was trying to be.

Quoted from LC This is a pretty ghastly visual: An empty room with walls covered with whimsical wallpaper spattered with old dried blood... I'd discover more gruesome stuff too. Bear in mind I've read the feedback so I'm influenced by what he's said (and easy for me to say) but I think it amounts to making this more overt Horror than Thriller.

Yes, but since the house has been empty for 18 years, I think it would have to be stuff that’s not easy to remove, such as material things. I’d welcome suggestions though.  

Quoted from LC I also think Joan's too successful. Maybe Ron lost his job and Joan's Agent dropped her and didn't renew her contract. I've read a few stories where people buy stigmatised houses cause they're cheap. Buyer beware. These two are fine with that cause they don't believe in ghosts or hauntings. Or maybe one of them is reluctant and doesn't like the idea but some situation means because of money they have no choice. This is all they can afford. I'm not telling you anything you don't know probably but that's where I'd start with a rewrite.

I know I have a lot of things to rework. Buying the house with the idea of turning it into a haunted BnB (not AirBnB) is something all readers have pretty much liked.

As always, thank you for your input.

Quoted from jwent6688 Thanks for sharing these notes. Having read the script and offered my own two cents, I was curious to see what, if anything, he agreed with me on. I see he mentioned your title device as being underutilized. And that your protagonist should either settle at being a writer or a BNB rehabber, just not both. I saw it the same. Other than that, I just saw notes like a script editor. Many of which I don't agree with. I've seen every sacred rule of screenwriting broken in pro scripts.

Yes, but we also went through the script verbally during a near two hour long video call. That was something I really valued, because so many times we get feedback and especially with coverage, but we have no chance of discussing these things or ask follow up questions.

In regards to the title and such, I agree with you, I’ve just had a really hard time figuring out how to add more of the pet-cam videos without having a character stop what they are doing and watch a video on some screen, because that doesn’t work on film. We discussed options for that too, but if you have any suggestion, I’m definitely open for suggestions.  

Quoted from jwent6688 I think Mini slugs should be double spaced. They're slugs. His example on page 13 is a contradiction. KITCHEN mini slug is double spaced and he said it needs fixed. Then put an INT. in front of it. Final draft will automatically double space it again. Again, I think this, and the caps and the italics are all trivial.

I agree, and I doubt I will change how I write. I just thought it might be interesting to see for some.

Quoted from jwent6688 You definitely have an original concept in here. Hopefully one more rewrite will get you closer to where you need to be, but remember, all these pros and consultants can never tell what makes a good film. If so, Hollywood would never miss, and they do all the time. And so many scripts that would never get a 7 or 8 on the blacklist or place in a contest have made great films. If you believe in your story and your vision you just have to roll with it. Try putting together a look book or pitch deck for this film and see if you can get some interest in it. Any producer you would bring in will have their own notes for a rewrite.

Yes, I mostly decided this was worth a shot since I need the script to be the best it can be if I’m going to attempt shooting it, but I’m not sure that will happen. Regardless, I want to have a script I’m happy with and feel I can show people with a little bit of pride. This is really the first script I’ve attempted to do the rewrites myself. I did with The Hit, but that was for a production company, so I basically just did what they told me.

Quoted from jwent6688 And I've used Carson Reeves twice on scripts. I caught him on Superdeals for $200. He gives them out when he's slow on consults. I would never pay full price, but I'm not saying it's not worth it. Most insightful notes I've received on any scripts before. If you ever want to see them let me know. I'd be happy to share. James

I have used Carson as well. I caught a sale for $199 too, but didn’t really find it that useful. Not that there was anything wrong with the notes, but but I really really liked the video consultation with Charles Vignola. It was incredibly helpful to go over the script and discuss things and do some brainstorming too. He also said to keep contact and that I could email him any time and to keep him updated on how things work out.

I appreciate you reading and feel free to send me anything if you want my simple eyes on anything.  

Quoted from SAC I sifted through the script notes you got and agree, from what I remember, that you need to get the action started earlier in this one. It’s been a while since I read this so I won’t go on, but the constant notes on spacing and his dislike for mini slugs were a bit much.  Funny, but I space my minis the same way, as it’s basically a transition to a different location (scene) though it occurs in the same place, but, say, a different room. I’ve done a numbered draft on a feature once for a producer, and it’s my understanding that by spacing your minis that way your software will number them. Don’t know if either of us are overthinking this since, initially, you’re writing this to be read and not filmed. But anyway… I hope the video was helpful as his page by page notes seemed sparse at best. Steve

Yes, the slow beginning has been a BIG issue with every reader. To be honest, Dena still hasn’t been able to finish it. I personally liked it, but I know I’m alone in this. I just need to come up with a completely different way of kicking this one off. It needs a re-write throughout as well, but I believe in the premise, so I will do this!

On the formatting stuff, see above. I definitely need to go over the video and listen to exactly what his answer to me was when I said we write for readers, not prod-cos.

Thanks for chiming in Steve!  

Thanks again everyone and I’ll keep this updated whenever there are any news that could be useful for other writers or of interest.  

[quote=me]


On the formatting stuff, see above. I definitely need to go over the video and listen to exactly what his answer to me was when I said we write for readers, not prod-cos.

I've been meaning to comment on this.  Maybe I'm naive and this is the current method of script critique, but I thought the red marker writings all over the script were dated, off the mark and frankly a little obnoxious. (Again JMO)

I have worked with magazine editors previously who nit-picked over my work, but I was never returned a manuscript with red marker comments over virtually everything.  As to the above quote, my thoughts exactly.  He seemed to get all hung up on an extra space between a slug and a dialogue line or whatever and big red circles around a simple typo (OMG! How could you?) and basically made no comment about the quality of the story (excellent IMO).  Maybe this is what you asked for - ? Or maybe this is just the way its done and I need to get up to speed.  I do hope his video chat with you was more insightful and served to give you some good pointers for improvements - or at least something to think on.

You are a prolific writer and I've said before how much I admire your work - this one is no exception.  Looking forward to its production  

Hey Kathy, thanks for chiming in.

First off, this is not in production. Just wanted to make that clear.  

The red mark stuff, I didn't take that as editor work. I think it was something he did while reading. Something that stood out to him and things for us to discuss during the video call. Maybe he was nitpicking as well? He told me my script had a lot less red in it than most scripts he goes through. He was a nice guy who's been in the industry for decades and has worked on some major films over the years. I have to assume he knows what he's talking about. And, we absolutely went over the story itself during our talk. I would definitely seek out his help again if it was cheaper and/or I need help with something I take really really seriously... or I was rich.

Anyway, it was worth the experience. So many people out there offering their services when they don't really have any experience at all other than reading scripts. I've done that too. Maybe even a thousand over the years, but I would never pretend I'm some sort of expert that will charge anyone for a read. I'm free.