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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    The August Challenge  ›  August/September Challenge: Episode One Moderators: Scar Tissue Films
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  Author    August/September Challenge: Episode One  (currently 1038 views)
Scar Tissue Films
Posted: September 6th, 2019, 1:39am Report to Moderator
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I've got Douglas and Peter and Marjorie as the comic relief, so far.

Peter and Marjorie are somewhat OTT at the moment, but I just wanted to establish them as distinct characters, I'll tone it down later.


In the meantime I've started bulking out the story on Gary's Google Docs.
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hawkeye
Posted: September 7th, 2019, 5:52pm Report to Moderator
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wondering what is happening at the moment.  Is Zack writing the first episode?  Or is that what Rick is doing in the Google doc?  Just wanted to get a handle on what's going on and see whether I should keep editing the Google doc or just wait for an update.

Also I found this link to an actual narrative podcast script (there is a further link down in the story):
https://www.reddit.com/r/audio.....es_pod_to_pluto_has/


My web site and scripts can be found here:

Gary's web site

Revision History (1 edits)
hawkeye  -  September 7th, 2019, 9:40pm
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LC
Posted: September 7th, 2019, 10:26pm Report to Moderator
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Posting this one again too FYI, Gary.
https://www.finalrune.com/dark-passenger/
Podcast & script. Good re format SFX.


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ReneC
Posted: September 8th, 2019, 3:10am Report to Moderator
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This is what I came up with when I took a stab at an opening. It's similar to the one linked but simplified for a rough draft.

The spacing is a bit off cutting and pasting it here, the dialogue should all be lined up.


Quoted Text

FOG - EPISODE 1



SFX:     Whispering wind (10 seconds).

SFX:     Car engine (background).

GEORGE:     A bit on your mind?

KIM:     Hmm? Oh, sorry. I just can't believe you're leaving next week.

GEORGE:     My mum worries I'll turn into a drunk like my granddad.

KIM:     Was he in Cornwall too?

GEORGE:     One of the true-blooded coal miners. You'll want to take this left.

SFX:     Car turn signal (3 seconds).

GEORGE:     See, you get used to driving on the left.

KIM:     It still feels wrong.

GEORGE:     You're doing great, Kim. It's a good thing the Manchester game hasn't let out. We'd be bumper to bumper. Have you been?

NARRATOR:     Kim peers out the windshield trying to make sense of what she's seeing. The lights of the cars ahead of her dim and vanish, as if swallowed by the night. The car's headlights suddenly flare, turning the world white.

KIM:     Oh my God! What do I do?

GEORGE:     Relax, it's just a bit of fog.

KIM:     A bit? I can barely see!

GEORGE:     Right. Try the headlights off, but keep the running lights on. There, that's better.

KIM:     (sarcasm) Oh, much better, George. I can just see the road now, thanks.

GEORGE:     Do you not have fog in California?

KIM:     Sure, but not like this.

GEORGE:     Strange, I don't remember fog in the forecast. You might want to slow--

SFX:     Tyres squeal, a horn blasts.

GEORGE:     --down a--LOOK OUT!

SFX:     CRASH! Metal crunches, glass shatters. More crashes follow. A car horn blares (6 seconds), fades out.

NARRATOR:     Kim doesn't see the bus ahead of her swerve into her lane until it's too late.

SFX:     Fade in a police siren.


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Zack
Posted: September 8th, 2019, 9:21am Report to Moderator
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Don't get it right. Get it written.

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Like what you came up with, Rene. I could follow this no problem. Also liked how you used the narrator. Much better than how I was incorporating him. Lol. I'd say this project is in good hands.


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hawkeye
Posted: September 8th, 2019, 9:53am Report to Moderator
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OK - so I understand -- Rene, you've crafted an opening.  What's next?  Should we take Rick's material and blend in with yours?  I can try to assimilate and edit in the Google doc, but I'm just worried that there's five people all doing different things, and no one knows what the others are doing, so we should just have some clearly defined roles for this opening episode.


My web site and scripts can be found here:

Gary's web site
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Scar Tissue Films
Posted: September 8th, 2019, 10:37am Report to Moderator
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Apologies for the lack of updates, been a hell of a week in lots of ways. Then I was awaiting the opening part to our collective masterpiece, but alas it never came.

The stuff I've written on the Google docs is more pre-writing than actual writing. I was just expanding on the beats to explore the structure of the scene, more than anything.

Like Rene, I also took a stab at the opening which I'll post tomorrow after I've arranged it into something like a format. It's basically what Zack wrote, but expanded.

We can then meld, discuss and work out alternatives to the style. One we've worked out which style works best,  we can all follow it later.

We can then split what's left to write amongst whoever is left who wants to write and then collate it all and improve it.
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ReneC
Posted: September 8th, 2019, 11:15am Report to Moderator
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I wrote that early last week just to get a feel for writing a podcast. It isn't meant to be the official opening, it was just an exercise, but I like the format and wanted to share it. If it works for the opening, then great.


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Scar Tissue Films
Posted: September 9th, 2019, 7:50am Report to Moderator
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This was my initial effort, leaning heavily on what Zack provided.

I had it formatted like Rene's example, but it's lost the bold and underlining, for some reason. I'll re-add it later.

I added another car in the opening scene make the accident easier to  describe, although there is an increased possibility that people might not know we've switched cars. I think it should be fairly clear to an audience what's happening, though.

We've got so many characters and story-lines that I condensed it a bit, putting Olivia and Melvin in the accident as well. Seems to work.

New characters Bill and Silvia (Olivia's Parents) are just 'red coats' who are going to die in Hospital.

Looking at it, there's the potential to start a little earlier. More conversation between George and Kim (using Rene's stuff) or even a new scene with Jane and Anthony doing some Cop stuff to establish they're in the area...minor shoplifting or something.


GEORGE AND KIM IN THEIR CAR:


SFX: The HUMMING of a car engine is barely audible over classic rock MUSIC on a STEREO.

KIM: We're never gonna make it on time.
GEORGE: Kim, it's not my fault we're stuck behind a bus.
KIM: The Bus is moving quickly enough. Maybe if you'd come a little earlier, like I said, George!
GEORGE: Maybe. I'm sorry.
KIM: (BEAT)It's alright. As long as the traffic's clear through town, we should be OK. The table's booked for Seven.
GEORGE: We'll make it.

CUT TO CAR WITH OLIVIA AND HER PARENTS

SFX: A noticeably different engine noise and an absence of music.

SILVIA: Turn right at the junction, by the Pub. Watch out for the traffic coming the other way. It's a fast road.
BILL: I know the road, Silvia.
SILVIA: I'm just saying.
OLIVIA: Dad can we have the radio on? Dad can we have the radio on? Dad can we have the radio on?

SFX: Olivia's feet kicking the back of her Father's chair.

BILL: Olivia, will you please stop that!
SILVIA: Right, here, Bill. You can make it ahead of this Bus if you're quick.

BILL: OK.

SFX: Car pulling out.
SFX: Olivia's feet kicking the back of her Father's chair.

BILL: Olivia, Please!
SILVIA: Go on, quick. Wait, what the hell? Bill, look out!
BILL: Jesus, what is that? I can't see a thing!

SFX: Strange, whispering sound as Fog covers everything.

SILVIA: Stop the car!
BILL: I don't know where we are!
SILVIA: Just stop!

SFX: The SQUEAL of CAR BRAKES. An ALMIGHTY CRASH and the sound of Rending Metal as the Bus hits the car and turns it over.

CUT TO GEORGE AND KIM:

SFX: Classic ROCK music playing.

KIM: George--look at that!
GEORGE: What the hell is that? Fog? --Jesus! Brake! Brake!

Kim SCREAMS.

SFX: Car brakes SCREECH.
A deafening SMASH as they hit the rear of the bus.
The dull THUD of George's head hitting the dashboard.

A few tense moments of silence broken only by the Rock Music continuing to play.


CUT TO: BILL, SILVIA AND OLIVIA.

OLIVIA: Mommy, Daddy. Wake up. Wake up!

CUT BACK TO GEORGE AND KIM.

SFX: Rock Music playing, but the CD is skipping.
In the distance, a child CRIES and other voices cry for help.

Kim struggles to catch her breath, PANTS.

George GROANS as he comes to. He GRUMBLES, but his words aren't clear.

KIM: George? Honey, look at me.
Kim SNIFFLES as she fights back tears.

GEORGE: (disoriented) What... What happened?
KIM: We... We crashed.
GEORGE: My head hurts...
KIM: Oh God, you're bleeding. It's an old car. There's no airbags! I'll call an Ambulance.
GEORGE: No. We need...uh..we need to go. Before someone else hits us.
KIM: Go? Go where? We can't see a thing!
GEORGE: Anywhere, it's uh...it's not safe here.
KIM: OK. OK. I'll help you out. Hey, George? You with me, Sweetie?
GEORGE: Yeah... I just... I think I need to lie down. Tired.
KIM: No, you can't. George, listen to me. You need to stay awake. You've hit your head pretty hard.

SFX: METAL GRINDS as the car door is pulled open.
Footsteps as she exits the car. The opening of the passenger side door.

KIM:C'mon. Let's get you out of there.

SFX: KIM heaving George out of the seat.

Sound itself is different in this environment. The Fog cuts higher frequencies making everything sound muggy, distant and mysterious.


GEORGE: Find somewhere safe to get an Ambulance.
KIM: How? Can't even see five foot in front of me.
GEORGE: Walk to the side of the road. There's got to be a wall somewhere we  can follow.
SFX: Their footsteps as they stumble through the fog.
Then, the sound of a fence rattling a they get to the side of the road.
KIM: We're on the pavement at least. I'll call an Ambulance.

SFX: Key presses.

999 OPERATOR: Which Emergency service do you require?
KIM: Hello, Hello? We need an Ambulance. We need help. We've had an accident. My boyfriend's injured, we need help.


CUT TO JANE:

DISPATCH: Charlie Echo Four Five Two. This is Control. We're getting a report of an RTC in your vicinity. Please respond..
OFFICER ANTHONY PORTER: This is Charlie Echo Four Five Two. Officers Porter and McCall reporting. Recommend releasing an official weather alert. There's thick Fog out here. Visibility is extremely poor
DISPATCH: Will do. RTC is at the junction of Moorside Road and Brook Road. Please advise as to response time.
OFFICER JANE MCCALL: We'll be there in two. OVER.
DISPATCH: Control Out.  
OFFICER JANE MCCALL: Get the lights on.

SFX: SIRENS BLARE. Engine ROARS.


OFFICER ANTHONY PORTER: You better take it easy. Or we'll be the next to crash. This is insane. Christ. Look at these imbeciles. You can't even see and they're still driving. Get out of the way!
OFFICER JANE MCCALL: Most of them are pulling over, Thank God.
(BEAT) Alright, according to the GPS we're at the junction. Can you see it?
OFFICER ANTHONY PORTER: Not yet. Wait, there.
OFFICER JANE MCCALL: Let's leave the car across the road to stop the traffic.
OFFICER ANTHONY PORTER: Even the imbeciles round here should be able to see the Flashing lights.
OFFICER JANE MCCALL: Dispatch? This is Charlie Echo Four Five Two. We're on scene, over.
DISPATCH. Sitrep?
OFFICER JANE MCCALL: The Fog is so thick, we can't even see the accident yet. We're pulling over and approaching on foot. Out.
OFFICER JANE MCCALL: Ready?
OFFICER ANTHONY PORTER: Always.

SFX: Sounds of both doors opening as the two Officers step out.
Immediately we can hear distant shouts for help.

OFFICER ANTHONY PORTER: Jesus. What is this? Fog, or smoke? You think we might need Gas Masks?
OFFICER JANE MCCALL: Air seems breathable.
OFFICER ANTHONY PORTER: You sure?
OFFICER JANE MCCALL: Not positive. (BEAT) Let's head towards the shout.

OFFICER JANE MCCALL: : THIS IS OFFICER MCCALL AND OFFICER PORTER  OF THE GREATER MANCHESTER POLICE! COULD SOMEONE PLEASE DIRECT US TO THE CRASH SITE?

MELVIN: OVER HERE! THERE'S THREE PEOPLE STUCK IN A CAR.

SFX: Sounds of Olivia crying getting louder.


MELVIN: Thank the Lord your here. There's three people in bad shape. That Fog came in, I just didn't see them. It all happened so fast. Are they going to be alright? Please tell me they're going to be alright?  There's a little girl in the back. It wasn't my fault. They drove straight out, and then another car hit me from behind.

OFFICER JANE MCCALL: OK, Sir, thank you.

MELVIN: Melvin. Melvin O Donnell.

OFFICER JANE MCCALL: OK, Melvin, please step back.
(Beat)
Sir, Madam?

OLIVIA: They won't wake up!

OFFICER JANE MCCALL: OK, Honey. We're here now. We're going to help them.
(BEAT)
Dispatch? This is Charlie Echo Four Five Two. Requesting an Ambulance and Fire Services on my position. We've got a RTC involving a Bus and a saloon. The saloon has been flipped and is trapped under the bus.  We have three passengers inside. One male around 40 and a Female mid-thirties, unconscious but breathing and a young girl, conscious, Over.
DISPATCH: All available Ambulances have been dispatched. There's been several incidents on the Motorways, Over.
OFFICER JANE MCCALL: All of them, Over?
DISPATCH: Affirmative.
OFFICER JANE MCCALL: This is an emergency situation, we require assistance,Over.
DISPATCH: We'll respond as fast as we can. You're looking at thirty minutes, over.
OFFICER JANE MCCALL: Thirty minutes, the Hospital is just down the road!
DISPATCH: All available resources are accounted for, Over.
OFFICER JANE MCCALL: What the Hell's going on out there?
OFFICER ANTHONY PORTER: Dispatch: Get in touch with the Council, the Media, whoever you need but you need to get people off the roads, Over.
OFFICER JANE MCCALL: Get the bollards and lights out of the boot of the car. Block off the road.
OFFICER ANTHONY PORTER: On it.
(BEAT)
If I can find the blasted thing.

OFFICER JANE MCCALL: OK. What's your name, honey?
OLIVIA: Olivia. My mum and dad won't wake up.
OFFICER JANE MCCALL: They've had a bad accident. But we're going to help them, OK? Olivia, are you in pain anywhere? Your head, your back, your tummy?
Olivia: No.
OFFICER JANE MCCALL: Can you move your arms and legs?
OLIVIA: Yuu..yes.
OFFICER JANE MCCALL: OK, I'm going to climb in and press the seatbelt release, OK? You'll fall down, but I'll break your fall, OK?
OLIVIA: OK.

SFX: Creaking of metal as Jane climbs inside the car.
The sound of the seat belt being released and Olivia falling to the floor.

OFFICER JANE MCCALL: It's OK, I've got you.
OLIVIA: Mommy! Daddy!
OFFICER JANE MCCALL: It's OK. We're going to get them out.
(BEAT) PORTER?

SFX: Sound of running footsteps.

OFFICER ANTHONY PORTER: I'm here.
OFFICER JANE PORTER: Look after the girl.
OFFICER ANTHONY PORTER: OK, come with me Honey.

SFX: A Sudden LOUD WHUMP as a fire starts.

OFFICER ANTHONY PORTER: Christ, it's on fire!
OLIVIA: Mommy!
JANE: Officer Porter, Anthony, get a fire extinguisher from the car.
SFX: Sound of Officer Porter as he runs away.

MELVIN: Oh my God, Oh my God. They're going to die, aren't they?
OFFICER JANE MCCALL: Sir, Melvin. Get back.

SFX: Running footsteps as Officer Porter returns.

OFFICER ANTHONY PORTER: The Fire Extinguisher.
OFFICER JANE MCCALL: Where's the girl?
OFFICER ANTHINY PORTER: Shit, she must have wandered off. I'll go look for her.
OFFICER JANE MCCALL: Forget it, I need you here. We'll find her later.
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Nomad
Posted: September 11th, 2019, 11:05pm Report to Moderator
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I haven't disappeared.

I had a lot of work this past week and then there was the whole issue of almost needing to evacuate my house due to a wildfire, followed by a 4.0 earthquake.

Just normal Southern California living.

I'll have to catch up on all the developments and chime in with my two cents.

Looks like you're all doing fine without my novice expertise.
I'm interested to see where this goes.

-Jordan


Read my scripts here:
SOCIAL EXPERIMENT 8pg-Drama
THE BRIDGE 8pg-Horror
SCHEISSE 6pg-Horror/Comedy
MADE FOR EACH OTHER-FILMED
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LC
Posted: September 11th, 2019, 11:49pm Report to Moderator
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Good to hear you came out of that unscathed, Jordan.  


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FrankM
Posted: September 12th, 2019, 8:50am Report to Moderator
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I lived in southern California for six years, been through the wildfire close enough to worry about and the earthquake in the "is that my upstairs neighbor banging around?" zone of uncertainty.

Glad to hear everything is fine.


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Warren
Posted: September 15th, 2019, 3:02am Report to Moderator
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This still happening?

Feels like it's time for an OWC...


To View All My Scripts Please Use The Link Below

My Website

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Scar Tissue Films
Posted: September 15th, 2019, 3:15am Report to Moderator
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Feel free to request a OWC.
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Angry Bear
Posted: September 15th, 2019, 6:46am Report to Moderator
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Sorry for not having kept up with this Rick. I've been busy.  


Quoted from Warren
This still happening?

Feels like it's time for an OWC...

No OWC until October. It's a classic around here and most anticipated.  



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