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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Screenwriting Discussion    Review My Logline  ›  Musician 'meltdown' - Logline Review Request Moderators: LC
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Rad Scribbler
Posted: July 21st, 2021, 3:53am Report to Moderator
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This is the bare bones of an idea which I've had for sometime and, as a novice at script writing, would appreciate your advice.

Logline:

A guitarist in a relatively successful local rock band has a ‘meltdown’ due to the pressures of the music business deserting his family and friends in the process and goes into hiding. After a period of time, he struggles to track down and reconnect with them.

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Matthew Taylor
Posted: July 21st, 2021, 5:08am Report to Moderator
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Hi Rad

Logline reads very awkwardly at the moment. It is very tricky to convey your story in a couple of sentences, so it's essential to only include what you need and to play around with sentence structure.

"...in a relatively successful local rock band..." - this I don't think is necessary.
"A washed-up guitarist..." - or something similar is enough

"has a 'meltdown' due to the pressures of the music business..." - again I don't think the reason behind the meltdown here is necessary.

At the basic level, a logline should include the protagonist, their goal, antagonistic force, and stakes.
With the protagonist/antagonist, it's better to add a relevant adjective. If you can also add in the inciting incident and some conflict into the logline the better.


What kicks off this journey and brings him out of hiding? What is the antagonistic force preventing him from getting to his goal and tracking/reconnecting with his family? What would happen if he didn't achieve this? These are the questions I would want to know the answers to

Remember that the logline's purpose is to sell not tell. Don't feel you need to include all aspects of the story and its plot points. Instead, you want to create enough intrigue that someone will want to read the script.



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Matthew Taylor  -  July 21st, 2021, 5:50am
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Rad Scribbler
Posted: July 22nd, 2021, 2:30am Report to Moderator
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Hi Matthew

Thank you for responding to my request for assistance. Your advice is much appreciated.
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LC
Posted: July 22nd, 2021, 6:39am Report to Moderator
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Rad, here's a couple of links to Scriptshadow articles re: GSU and loglines:
http://scriptshadow.blogspot.com/2011/08/article-gsu.html

It should help both with your script, and also how to hook your reader with your logline.

http://scriptshadow.net/how-to-write-a-logline-the-final-post/

Re your logline: What happens in that period of time for the turnaround?
What's at stake when he does track them down? Is his wife now with another man, do his kids not want to know him? Are his friends pissed off cause he's responsible for them missing out on fame and fortune cause he blew a big deal? Does he offer his bandmates a comeback gig, and maybe with a bigger purpose?

I'd personally leave out the 'relatively succesful' btw. Better that he/they made it big, then failed, then he did a runner (because of?) Did he have a nervous breakdown, overdo the excess with drugs, ego, was he unfaithful? etc. Whatever the reasons they need to be compelling.

Tell us more regarding plot and we might be able to offer something more constructive.


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AlsoBen
Posted: July 22nd, 2021, 6:44am Report to Moderator
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Years after after running away from his life and going into hiding,, a middling guitarist struggles to track down the friends and family he abandoned.


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LC
Posted: July 22nd, 2021, 7:12am Report to Moderator
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While it's not bad, I personally don't find a story about a 'middling guitarist' coming out of retirement or having been a recluse, enticing. Jmho.


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AlsoBen
Posted: July 22nd, 2021, 8:35am Report to Moderator
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Yeah but If that’s op’s premise, that’s what the logline will need to be


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LC
Posted: July 22nd, 2021, 10:41am Report to Moderator
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Play around with this then:

Following a nervous breakdown and after years in hiding, a once successful rockstar (or, a small town guitarist/ or a fledgling musician): attempts to make a comeback. Reuniting with (or, tracking down) his estranged family and bandmates proves no easy task as he puts everything on the line

Or:

After walking out years earlier on both his family and his bandmates, due to the pressures of the music industry, a fledgling rockstar/musician must convince them he can make a comeback, or risk losing everything for a second time round.

Or: After walking away from a promising career due to the pressures of the music industry, a small town (fledgling) rockstar attempts to reconcile with his bandmates and with the family he abandoned years earlier, in an attempt to make a comeback. In doing so he risks losing everything a second time around.


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Rad Scribbler
Posted: July 23rd, 2021, 1:46am Report to Moderator
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Thank you LC and AlsoBen for your advice - really appreciate it.

As a novice at script writing I have much too learn.
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ajr
Posted: July 25th, 2021, 7:41pm Report to Moderator
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A rock guitarist on the edge of stardom goes into hiding and struggles to reconnect with his friends and loved ones.

AJR


Click HERE to read JOHN LENNON'S HEAVEN https://preview.tinyurl.com/John-Lennon-s-Heaven-110-pgs/
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Rad Scribbler
Posted: July 27th, 2021, 2:57am Report to Moderator
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Thank you AJR for your suggestion - much appreciated.
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