SimplyScripts Discussion Board
Blog Home - Produced Movie Script Library - TV Scripts - Unproduced Scripts - Contact - Site Map
ScriptSearch
Welcome, Guest.
It is May 28th, 2020, 2:36pm
Please login or register.
Was PortalRecent PostsHome Help Calendar Search Register Login
If you wish to join this discussion board, please send me a message. Please do read the guidelines that govern behavior on the discussion board. It will make for a much more pleasant experience for everyone. A word about SimplyScripts and Censorship


Scripts Studios are posting for 2019 - 2020 award consideration
May OWC - Who Wrote What and Writer's Choice Announced


(May 29, 9:00 pm edt or May 30, 11:00 am aest)

Short Script of the Day | Featured Script of the Month | Featured Short Scripts Available for Production | Submit Your Script

How do I get my film's link and banner here?
All screenplays on the simplyscripts.com and simplyscripts.net domain are copyrighted to their respective authors. All rights reserved. This screenplaymay not be used or reproduced for any purpose including educational purposes without the expressed written permission of the author.
Forum Login
Username: Create a new Account
Password:     Forgot Password

SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    October, 2019 One Week Challenge  ›  End Of The Harvest - OWC Moderators: StevenClark
Users Browsing Forum
No Members and 1 Guests

 Pages: 1, 2 » : All
Recommend Print
  Author    End Of The Harvest - OWC  (currently 586 views)
Don
Posted: October 11th, 2019, 11:09pm Report to Moderator
Administrator
Administrator


So, what are you writing?

Location
Virginia
Posts
13735
Posts Per Day
1.94
End Of The Harvest by by Darren Seeley (Darren JamesSeeley) writing as Miles Bennell - Short, Horror, Slasher - A Halloween urban legend about a trio of cursed scarecrows turns out to be the life and death of a party. - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work



Visit SimplyScripts.com for what is new on the site.


-------------
You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky

Revision History (1 edits)
Don  -  October 25th, 2019, 1:20pm
revised draft
Logged
Site Private Message
Anon
Posted: October 12th, 2019, 6:50am Report to Moderator
Been around a while


Posts
173
Posts Per Day
0.12
On to E in my alphabetical reading ...

There's a spelling mistake in your first slug. We all make typos, but that is pretty much the worst place you could have one so fix that.

The following doesn't make sense to me -

the moonlight reflects a droplet onto the corner of her lower lip.

Do you mean reflects off a droplet on her lower lip? If so a droplet of what? Spit, blood, wine?

Closer, no mask.JOHN (30s) Like Judy, he wears a scarecrow costume.

Needs a space after 'mask' and 'like' should be lowercase.

If I spot any one of these things I wouldn't mention it. But three mistakes and I'm not half a page in. This needs a good edit. But hey - you could have been rushing to meet the deadline - I'll continue!

Okay finished. A lot of rushed mistakes. There seems to be references to "The Raven" by Edgar Allan Poe. Although the references seem random rather than a homage. But the whole deal with these people supposedly making it look like a botched robbery needs to be clearer. Needs a few more drafts! But good on you for going full-gore.
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 1 - 20
Reef Dreamer
Posted: October 12th, 2019, 2:18pm Report to Moderator
Old Timer


Proud owner of a Simply Scripts face mask ...

Location
The Island of Jersey
Posts
2472
Posts Per Day
0.77
hi miles


logline - feels like half a logline, I guess its going to be messy, and perhaps a cover up?


the first slug - that has to be a plant. surely. which makes me think of what type of writer does that

just saying but as soon as we are in the home I would name it, not suburban home

that first scene is confusing as to where the attention - inside or out - is being focused and where join emerges from

'A MANíS HANDS emerge from THE SHADOWS. Closer, no mask.JOHN (30s) Like Judy, he wears a scarecrow costume.' needs a polish

ďJohnĒ. why quotation marks?

EXT. SUBERUBAN HOME -NIGHT  ... nope it seems this repeated

O.C is off camera and if I'm not mistaken a TV script format. we would use O.S off screen - same thing really, just letting you know


ok finished

quite a few format and writing issues, but this can be tidied up

what I liked - this bonny and Clyde duo, combined , together, united, single purpose - that has legs

I also liked the entry to the story half way through - added mystery. to me it suggests you have a good sense of story

what didn't - was primarily the dynamics within the house. the end felt a tad off

got potential

all the best


My scripts †HERE

The Elevator Most Belonging To Alice - Semi Final Bluecat, Runner Up Nashville
Inner Journey - Page Awards Finalist - Bluecat semi final
Grieving Spell - winner - London Film Awards.††Third - Honolulu
Ultimate Weapon - Fresh Voices - second place
IMDb link... http://www.imdb.com/name/nm7062725/?ref_=tt_ov_wr
Logged
Private Message Reply: 2 - 20
JEStaats
Posted: October 12th, 2019, 2:34pm Report to Moderator
Regular



Location
Tucson, AZ
Posts
967
Posts Per Day
0.69
Small detail but "Itís raining a light drizzle, the moonlight reflects a droplet onto the corner of her lower lip." It's raining and the moon is out. How does she get a rain droplet on her lip if she's in the kitchen? Sorry, it just derails the train of thought when reading.

Done. So was the droplet blood? Overall, after four reads, this is my favorite. It was difficult keeping names straight and not sure the importance of the phone call and message. Was that relevant? Just a good slasher short.

And who was the mystery man? Luke? That had me lost too. But Helen got away? Hmmm...part two in the works? A little explanation when this is all said and done. Good job, writer.
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 3 - 20
Dreamscale
Posted: October 12th, 2019, 5:03pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


Yes, that is my real hair...

Location
Cave Creek, AZ
Posts
11197
Posts Per Day
2.45
Logline is ok.

Title Page is fine, but as I've said a few times, these Pseudonyms aren't adding anything, IMO.

Using "SUBURBAN HOME" as a Slug is bad enough, and we've now seen it numerous times in numerous scripts, but to spell it wrong out of the gate is a HUGE issue.

You start with a 4 line passage, and there's nothing wrong with that in general or here, but this is overwritten, obviously and alot of extraneous detail that's unnecessary.

I don't understand how the moonlight from outside is reflecting anything on Judy's mouth - what that droplet is supposed to be, who knows?

Writing is very awkward...maybe beyond just awkward.  I'm having serious trouble even understanding what you're trying to say.

So, it looks like we have another case of a writer who won't use a subject in his/her lines, which causes alot of unnecessary confusion.  Just use the damn subject...please!

Why are some words and names in quotes, in dialogue?  WTF?

The dialogue itself is very stilted and odd...unrealistic.

Page 3 - WOW!  WTF?  Now we have back to back Slugs with misspellings.  Terrible.  I'm about to quit.

So many things are off here.  Spacing, wording...just really poorly written.

Page 4 - "Thereís ANOTHER SCREAM" - I don't recall the first scream, but if this is indeed the scream in the parameters, it's a bit late, don't you think?

Oh boy...and now we get a Flashback, huh?

The end.  I stopped taking notes, as I'd be writing pretty much about every line and passage - easily one of the worst written scripts I can recall, but the strange thing is that you're probably a decent writer, as this seems to have been written extremely fast and probably with some alcohol and or drugs involved.  It's pretty fucked up and impossible to understand in a single read, which means the writing here is terrible.

Story-wise, it may be quite good, but as presented, it's beyond a chug to get through.

I have to grade based on what I see and I see a complete mess here.  I just read over the comments of the earlier readers and I'm beyond shocked to see someone say this is their favorite...absolutely shocked.

It takes all kinds, I guess.

*


To ski or not to ski...that's not even a question.
Logged
Private Message Reply: 4 - 20
_ghostwriters
Posted: October 12th, 2019, 8:19pm Report to Moderator
Old Timer



Location
A helluva long way from LA
Posts
1014
Posts Per Day
0.25
My two cents (and that's all it's worth):

Writer, it feels like a rush job.  Stephen King.  In his book On Writing he says (paraphrasing), "Don't show your first draft, that's your draft.  And this felt like one.  Still, it's a good idea to proof-read any work before publishing it.

The overall quality of the writing is good, but... some of your action lines lack punch and clarity, with clarity being the more important of the two to pay attention to.  Found myself re-reading several lines that were a bit confusing.

I didn't see the relevance of the phone call.

Nice effort. I dug the premise, but this, to me, needs more oomph. Keep writing. -Andrea


"When I dive... I go deep, only to surface the hub when necessary."

Logged
Private Message Reply: 5 - 20
Zack
Posted: October 12th, 2019, 10:31pm Report to Moderator
OWC Moderator


Don't get it right. Get it written.

Posts
3144
Posts Per Day
0.61
Seems like there's actually a halfway decent story in here, too bad it's in such a messy script.

Some poor writing here. A ton of awkward descriptions that only took me out of the read. Somehow, the dialog is even worse. Read some of this out loud.  It's not good.

What's with that odd 12th page? Maybe this one was rushed in at the last moment?

You meet the criteria, so good job on that front.



Logged
Private Message Reply: 6 - 20
RolandJ
Posted: October 13th, 2019, 1:26am Report to Moderator
New-ish



Location
Los Angeles
Posts
41
Posts Per Day
0.08
Another story of murder and mayhem. Nothing wrong with that, but there are so many characters to try and keep track of, it makes it difficult to follow on the first read through.

Formatting needs some work. Drops on the lip doesn't seem related to the story.

But the couple working together to kill as many people as they can has story potential. So I would encourage the writer to hone his/her skills.

By the next OWC, this writer will be hard to beat.
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 7 - 20
Matthew Taylor
Posted: October 14th, 2019, 11:18am Report to Moderator
Old Timer



Location
Shakespeare's county
Posts
1048
Posts Per Day
1.78
Hello writer

The more I read in this challenge, the more I suffer from Dejevu - almost every bloke so far is trying to get some and getting turned down.

You are oddly specific in some action description and definitely tend to overwrite. Obviously how you write is up to you, but if you take a sharp knife to this you can make it a much easier crisper read. "kisses her right shoulder" "that can be bought from dollar thrift stores"


Quoted Text
HALLWAY
Loaded with flickering Jack OÔŅĹ Lantern decor on tables and
bookcases. A framed B film horror movie poster on the wall.
Judy balls her fists. Lets out a scream of her own.
JUDY
SON OF A BITCH! SON OF A BITCH!
DEN
She snatches the sickle under the watchful eye of the fake
raven and scarecrow.
BATHROOM
Judy pulls back the shower curtain, raises the SICKLE.
TWO BODIES lie in a BLOODY MESS. One man, one woman. Both
throats are slit. The DEAD MAN has a missing ear. THe DEAD
WOMAN misses a left hand. Neither corpse move.


Wtf happened? did I miss something? she goes to check on a noise, randomly shouts SON OF A BITCH, grabs a weapon, and for reasons only known to her, check the bath (why?) and finds two dead bodies?....

wait... "did you miss someone?"... I thought that was an odd thing to say, makes sense if they had already slain the guests - still not sure why she randomly shouted son of a bitch, but it now makes sense that she knows where the bodies are... I'll read on

N.B it may be style choice, but the dialogue in capitals to denote shouting looks amateurish to me.

The story was interesting for a while but it faded into nothing, I am none the wiser to why any of it happened, what the relevance of some people is (Ryan, what's the point in him?) why Helen invited them to rob a house, why they murdered everyone apart from Helen, why Luke was seemingly just lying there pretending to be dead for a while.... just stuff happens with no cause or consequence, no reason or thought

FYI first you say Ashley and Rob are on the bed wearing vampire costumes, then you change it to Luke wearing the vampire outfit.

Well done for getting something in.





Logged
Private Message Reply: 8 - 20
ReneC
Posted: October 14th, 2019, 11:54pm Report to Moderator
OWC Moderator



Location
Vancouver, BC
Posts
1058
Posts Per Day
0.33
If it wasn't for the previous reviews, I would have bailed on this early. They suggested some redeeming factors, so I stuck with it.

I'm glad I didn't bail, but I'm not as enamored with it. There's some interesting stuff here, and a good story at the heart of it. It's lost in the haphazard action that's difficult to visualize and even more difficult to comprehend. The flashback is poorly executed, I don't understand how Helen got to be hung up there and still alive, and why didn't Judy just kill her when she concluded she must have been the one to scream? Did she even scream? It's never stated, and I don't see a reason for it. The scream seems to be there just to meet the criteria.

John and Judy (BTW, using "John" and "Judy" in dialogue isn't going to be seen on screen if you're implying that's not their real names) said they met Ryan out in the van but Ryan wasn't there according to his message later. I'm guessing that's a mistake, but why even have it in there? It doesn't do anything for the story.

I don't get the Poe references, and I know a fair bit about Poe and his works. If style is what you were going for, it needs work.

It's gory, but not horrific. Not scary at all. It might visually be horrific though, and could be really cool to see with hyperstylized visuals. Like I said, there are some good things in here. The story needs a lot of work.


Logged Offline
Site Private Message Reply: 9 - 20
ChrisBodily
Posted: October 15th, 2019, 1:12am Report to Moderator
Been around a while



Posts
499
Posts Per Day
0.24

Quoted Text
SUBERUBAN


Ooh! Right out of the gate. Not good.


Quoted Text
bits of
straw [dangle] in and out of pockets and sleeves.


A few spelling and grammar issues on the first page.

What's with the quotes? Normally, you put the period inside the quotes.


Quoted Text
Gets down on [one] knee and
offers the ring to her.


What knee? Whose knee? His knee? Right or left.

I'd also break up this paragraph.


Quoted Text
Judy slips it on, admires it. John gets back to his feet,
leans in, kisses her right shoulder. She reaches over to a
serving bowl, scoops up the last of the candy corn. Feeds
him.


I'd break this one up, too.

Same misspelling of "suburban." Twice in a row.


Quoted Text
Judy sponges off
the blood off him, rinses the excess in the sink.


Redundant.


Quoted Text
A framed B film horror movie poster on the wall.


Awkwardly written. "A framed horror B movie poster" reads better.


Quoted Text
Judy pulls back the shower curtain, raises the SICKLE.


Psycho reference?


Quoted Text
THe DEAD
WOMAN misses a left hand. Neither corpse move.


Either "The" or "THE."

Very strangely written. You seem to be a new writer and English probably isn't your first language.


Quoted Text
The blade hits home. Judy
jacks the sickle back.


Huh? What?

Don't overdo flashbacks in a short. I learned this the hard way.

"Suburban" is misspelled again. No excuse.


Quoted Text
You did a great job[,] Ashley.


Offset people's names like this with a comma.


Quoted Text
He stops
where, in between notes he hears JUDY SCREAM.


Very awkwardly written.

Poe. Nice shout out.

The answering machine voices should me marked as (V.O.) next to the character's names.

Be careful with huge chunks or dialogue. Keep your paragraphs as short as possible. Not every character is Quint.


Quoted Text
JUmps


Very poorly written. I'm sorry to say.


Quoted Text
An AUTOMATED VOICE greets her.


Automated voice?

FADE OUT is on the wrong side.

The story itself had some potential, but the writing hurts it. I hope you stick around and improve your skills, and English. Congrats on entering.


FADE IN:
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 10 - 20
StevenClark
Posted: October 15th, 2019, 11:36am Report to Moderator
Board Moderator


Cast Your Fate To The Wind

Location
Upstate NY
Posts
2253
Posts Per Day
0.84
Writer,

Slasher much? This was full of it, however, not much substance. What youíre lacking here is a story. You have a reason - cash, but not much else. We never see it, and why all the killing if itís just a robbery? Maybe serial killers? I donít know. Lots of gore, yes, a scream, yes, but you need a cohesive story/backstory to set this up.

Steve


Logged
Private Message Reply: 11 - 20
Grandma Bear
Posted: October 15th, 2019, 6:59pm Report to Moderator
God of the SimplyScriptsVerse



Location
The Swamp...
Posts
6756
Posts Per Day
1.51
John kisses her bare left shoulder. I thought she was dressed as a scarecrow? I've never seen one with bare shoulders.

First 2+ pages with dialogue that doesn't do much to set the mood for horror or setup the story.

Seberuban? Well, at least it's not suburban. I hear some people hate that word.  

Page 4.   Another scream? I must have missed the first one.

Dialogue on this same page feels like filler.

Page 5.  What does Judy see that I don't?

None of this makes sense...

You add a bunch of people in the last third of this script. That's too much in a short. Even in a slasher where you're just look for bodies to kill off. IMHO.

I'm sorry, but this one didn't really work for me and it's not because it's a slasher.


Logged
Private Message Reply: 12 - 20
mmmarnie
Posted: October 16th, 2019, 8:31am Report to Moderator
Regular


I wish my brain was half as wise as my ass.

Location
Asheville, NC
Posts
583
Posts Per Day
0.16
Right out of the gate, page 1 is riddled with issues. Every single time one of these issues pops up, your reader stops reading. Your story needs to flow which is why learning the rules of screenwriting is so important., as well as clear descriptions. Pg. 1 examples...

the moonlight reflects a droplet onto the corner of her lower lip. ... huh?

Closer, no mask....again, huh?

Quotes around dialog..."John", "Judy"...why,?

Kisses her bare left shoulder...that's one sexy scarecrow.

The goo is dry but sticky...you're telling us. You need to show it. Maybe with her facial expression when she touches it. But show, don't tell.

Ignoring other issues I read to the end. Not much of an actual story here though. Sorry...nothing really pulled me in.










††
ďIf someone is trying to bring you down, it just means you are above them."
Logged
Site Private Message Reply: 13 - 20
PraneelNand
Posted: October 17th, 2019, 9:43pm Report to Moderator
New-ish


All you need to make a movie is a girl and a gun

Location
Tokyo, Japan
Posts
26
Posts Per Day
0.01
Hello writer,

That was a twisted tale, maximum horror right there.  Unfortunately it felt like you didnít take the time to edit it or go over it, which is sad because it was a cool story but definitely needed a clean up.

I wish we as the audience were told the specifics of the harvest and what it entails, it felt like a cop out just to mention it as if it was reason enough for the massacre.

Good job on entering.
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 14 - 20
 Pages: 1, 2 » : All
Recommend Print

Locked Board Board Index    October, 2019 One Week Challenge  [ previous | next ] Switch to:
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login

Forum Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post polls
You may not post attachments
HTML is on
Blah Code is on
Smilies are on


Powered by E-Blah Platinum 9.71B © 2001-2006