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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    October, 2019 One Week Challenge  ›  Cold Blood - OWC Moderators: StevenClark
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  Author    Cold Blood - OWC  (currently 592 views)
Don
Posted: October 11th, 2019, 11:19pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Cold Blood by Anonymous - Short, Horror - A young woman is haunted by the history of her new home. - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work



Visit SimplyScripts.com for what is new on the site.


-------------
You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
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RolandJ
Posted: October 12th, 2019, 2:27am Report to Moderator
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Well written story.
QUESTION: There were no survivors. But were the killers ever caught and punished?
I understand the ghosts of the former killers are re-enacting their previous brutality on the former owners, while present owner Hanna sacrifices herself to save Nancy.
QUESTION: It was never clear if Hanna was the first such repeat victim since the original murders, or is she just the latest victim? Clarifying that would add greater depth and history about this 'Haunted' house'.
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_ghostwriters
Posted: October 12th, 2019, 4:23am Report to Moderator
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Um...the opening doesn't seem too original, like I've seen it before in other horror/ghost movies. But for what it is, it's written well... on a fairly mechanical level, lines about "...not being in Kansas anymore" have always bugged me in the same way as exposition dialogue dumps.  Two lines early on in the script stuck with me...

That said, I did enjoy the ending, but you know how when you get this feeling, a twitch in your ass-hole that something just isn't right... Well that's how I felt.  I mean, you tell us “THEY LEFT NO SURVIVORS."  And yet... we have a WOMAN, 76, leaving a business card that reads: “Nancy Clutter, Realtor.”   Her wrists...  

At any rate, kudos. Andrea



A-CAROLING FOR CHRISTMAS

GHOSTS OF APPALOOSA

RISE OF THE AMAZONS

THE SLEEPING TIGER

THE TIME GUARDIAN

"When I dive... I go deep, only to surface the hub when necessary."

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Anon
Posted: October 12th, 2019, 5:57am Report to Moderator
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Okay! A story. The best I've read so far in writing and structure. I like the exchanges between the couple. I instantly liked these people.

The only downside is the logic is very confusing. Basically a mix of time-travel and ghosts. I still don't quite fully get it - but I understand enough that I enjoyed it. I think this is one draft away from being all it could be. Maybe something better.more original than the Ouija board thing could be added. But this is a one week challenge. Well done, my favourite so far.
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eldave1
Posted: October 12th, 2019, 1:37pm Report to Moderator
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I like the effort at a real story.

I did get confused in parts - had to re-read a couple of passages.

This:

SPOILERS:


Quoted Text
CLINT
Ugh. Rachel. Tell me again why you
keep her around?
HANNAH
You know why. She was there for my
sister. Right to the end.
CLINT
You realize you don’t owe her
anything, right?
HANNAH
She was Sara’s best friend.


Is a bit on the nose and not really necessary. If you removed it from the script - nothing would really change.

I like your imagination.


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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Angry Bear
Posted: October 12th, 2019, 4:57pm Report to Moderator
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I've never really been a fan of Ouija boards, but that's just a personal thing, I guess.

Overall, I thought this one was pretty good. The only thing I didn't like was how Hannah didn't totally freak out when Perry first appeared. That did not seem realistic to me at all. Also, it did a little muddled with who was who and doing what towards the last third of the script.


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Reef Dreamer
Posted: October 13th, 2019, 8:46am Report to Moderator
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Hi

Logline - ok a touch of the haunted house, but perhaps a bit more could be enticing

Farm House - what happened to suburban house? Maybe it appears...

Ok finished

I’m split over this one. Somewhere in this is a decent premise. I liked the ghost having a conversation with her, it sows the seeds of am I sane, what is happening, should,I listen etc

I would prefer it if the ghost appeared because of something she was trying to do or change - eg throw out old photos etc or something better than my naff suggestion  

Her decisions thereafter didn’t work for me. For example, she’s just shot her man, apparently by accident, but instead of making the police call, she listens to the ghost who has just set her up??

I didn’t feel there was risk to her to drive the story forward, she was too easy to persuade. Clint was too passive.

The connection with the realtor was also a decent angle, which should have been used more. In fact I could see a nice sinister angle to that.

Lots of potential, but not there for me as it stands. Also, doesn’t hit the criteria of suburban, which wasn’t always easy, so I feel it needs to be present

I could see this tidied upwards and be a possibility for filming, with the right story

All the best


My scripts  HERE

The Elevator Most Belonging To Alice - Semi Final Bluecat, Runner Up Nashville
Inner Journey - Page Awards Finalist - Bluecat semi final
Grieving Spell - winner - London Film Awards.  Third - Honolulu
Ultimate Weapon - Fresh Voices - second place
IMDb link... http://www.imdb.com/name/nm7062725/?ref_=tt_ov_wr
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Matthew Taylor
Posted: October 14th, 2019, 6:13am Report to Moderator
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Very uninspiring title and logline - (I'm choosing those with the fewest comments to read through - based on title and logline alone, I probably wouldn't open)
Let's hope the story fairs better

The super could do with going over "...brutally murdered..." then the next line "They left no survivors" - the second part seems redundant, murdered already implies there were no survivors.
better to have changed the first one to something like "...brutally attacked..."

This is done by an experienced writer, so far so good.

Wonderfully written, authentic characters and dialogue. On-screen it would be creepy which is good.

The ending is a head-scratcher for me though, I don't get it. I can see you are going for something, but it hasn't clicked yet. Obviously, she can't change the past because she reasoned with a spirit... so Nancy survived the original attack? or maybe the past has been changed and Nancy has to keep bringing these spirits more victims? but if there were more victims, surely they would know... Nope, can't get my head around it. I think it's a typical horror "just accept it" ending.

Anway, great effort.


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stevie
Posted: October 14th, 2019, 4:34pm Report to Moderator
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Oh wow I picked a bottom one for a quick read and it’s damn good!

Based on In Cold Blood by Truman Capote - a true story - which no one has mentioned?  I like the imagery here and the dialogue is pretty neat.

Ok the ‘there were no survivors’ jars with the ending but I think that’s to make it leave more to our imagination. Even a little changing of history I guess   I like it

It will be hard to top this one though I’ve only read 3 or 4    Well done


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StevenClark
Posted: October 15th, 2019, 6:08am Report to Moderator
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Writer,

Dialogue was good, characters believable. There was a slight feeling of dread building through this that I enjoyed and this has all the earmarks of an experienced writer embracing a good tale. It’s just there were some logic issues here for me, mainly how is Perry’s gun killing people and Hannah’s isn’t. Maybe I missed something here - I’ve a feeling I did.

But still, this is one of the more original entries and receives top marks.

Steve


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PraneelNand
Posted: October 15th, 2019, 7:39pm Report to Moderator
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Hello writer,

That was a cool and engaging story that had me gripped from start to finish. I really enjoyed the twist at the end, brought the whole thing full circle.

Your writing is good and easy to follow, I did get confused with the amount of characters that were being introduced all at the same time in the basement, but I get it, it was a vision of the past.

Overall a decent effort and great story, I wish there was more of a backstory of the surviving girl, it would’ve made the sacrifice a bit more earned. But I couldn’t sympathize as much as I wished I could.

Anyways, good luck and I hope to read more from you in the future
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Kevin_S
Posted: October 16th, 2019, 3:41pm Report to Moderator
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Hello writer,

This seems to be one of the better scripts I have read so far.  I was able to follow the story with ease.  Dialogue read fine to me.   I wish we were able to see how she paid with her life.   Did Perry kill her, or did she kill herself?   Good luck!

All the best.  
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Lightfoot
Posted: October 16th, 2019, 6:36pm Report to Moderator
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Seems like the last bunch of scripts I have to read are the better ones.

Not a whole lot to say on this one. Writing was good.

Not sure I understand the ending though. I assume that Hannah has somehow changed the past by sacrificing herself for the girl, but a part of me thinks that Perry was messing with her the whole time.

Another thing. Who actually shot Clint? I can understand the shotgun killing Kenyon as he was there to reenact the past, but I'm thinking Hannah was the one who shot Clint, when she tried to stop Perry. Nothing is built on that though, they kinda just move on to the bedroom.

Anyways, good work.
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LC
Posted: October 16th, 2019, 7:42pm Report to Moderator
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As Stevie said... A do-over of In Cold Blood with the summoning of ghosts through an Ouija board to go back in time, and change/replay events.

You need to stop me... as its inspired horror narrative.
But does she?

The thing is (unless I missed something) Hannah only prevents one death - Nancy's- and in the process sacrifices her own life? Plus, Clint's death is an additional casualty. I have a bit of a problem with that logic. I don't know why she wouldn't just tear out of there after Clint's death. Hannah has no motive to stop what's already happened unless the stakes are Clint's life or her own. You're asking us to believe she'd lay down her life for an unrelated stranger who died in another time anyway. The better story I think would've been that she set Nancy free and they escaped together - in terms of suspense.

This is written well, definitely a superior entry in terms of the craft of screenplay writing, but ironically does it read better than it would play out on screen as a self-contained horror?

I like the angle of the history of a house, the obligation to disclose past crimes etc. Or in this case, covering it up. That's always a goodie:

HANNAH
The realtor has to mention if
something bad happened in a house,
right?

Ooh, yes. Scary.

I just think your story needed to be edge of the seat escape, instead of dullsville self sacrifice.

Written very well for the challenge. I'm just not entirely convinced an audience would find the story enthralling enough as an independent horror short.

I could be wrong of course...

P.S. Your current logline is too sedate imho. A young woman must fight for her life after discovering the gruesome secrets... just purchased house etc.


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ChrisBodily
Posted: October 17th, 2019, 7:11am Report to Moderator
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Title intrigues. Logline is... okay.

Why is there a comma in "Small Kansas town?"

So a planchette is that Ouija game piece?

This one takes a while to get going. Page 5 is when is starts moving.

I'm skimming now.


Quoted Text
(not the Perry we’re
seeing)


What does this mean?

If I were you, I would have cut the page count in half and rewritten. Very sluggish. Congrats on writing a contained thriller. One location is pretty easy to film. Good luck with it. Congrats on entering.


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