Well written.

I'd lose the parts where he looks at a picture of his family and the part with the boy.

So, if he was dead all along then why were the cops still going after him? Keep the police in there, but change it up enough to where they are acting unusual to give us a sense that there is something off.

Anyways, good work.

Oof.
I'm sure we all knew where this story was going.

The specific image of the police officer's knee on the neck of a dying black man is a tough one at the moment. I'm not sure how other people felt about that, but it felt a little tone deaf/ "too soon" for me. Jack also calls out to "Momma", which is something that the very real George Floyd did.

I'm sure this was written by someone well-meaning, but it did not work for me. This felt more like the appropriation of a tragic event than creative writing, but I'm sure I'm just not the audience.

Best of luck with this!

Ooh, I'm so glad I managed to squeeze this one in.

...a metal button on his denim jacket catches the edge of the
glass and it shatters.

Hmm, would it just take that to shatter and break?
I won't nitpick the rest.

Loved the opening. Nothing like being unjustly accused to get my blood boiling...
Powerful, memorable, and very well written.

Yes, I wrote this in an hour just before it was due.

Apologies to anyone that thinks that it's too soon to write about this. I disagree. It was out of respect.

I curse myself for that damn picture but not for talking to his younger self in the playground.

Thanks for reading and commenting!

Loved it!  On ya, mate.

Well done on this one. Personally, I really liked this one, got me in the feelers.

This was my top-rated script -- I can see it was coming from a good place, so I didn't necessarily see it as an exploitation of a tragic event, though I can understand how it may offend others. Not sure why the same readers weren't offended by mine lol.

Of course, the wallet is an easy fix. You could just have him on the phone, speaking to his wife, saying he's on his way home and, on the phone, there's a picture of his kid and wife. I also wouldn't have him come out of a liquor store. And I wouldn't telegraph the twist so soon with ghosts acknowledging his situation without prior knowledge of it.

As for the scene talking to his younger self, I'd maybe have him hide behind some playground equipment. He comes out when he thinks the coast is clear (maybe the cops looking for him disappear out of view) and notices the kid. THEN the cops return and he takes off again. But that's just what I would do -- it's your story, you know it better than me.

Great work!

-- Michael

Thanks LC (I can always depend on you), Matt, and Michael. Appreciate your inputs. I've felt like a bridesmaid in these challenges for so long now. Dammit, there are a bunch of good writers on this site.

Outside of my previous comment on topic and timeliness, this was well written from a technical standpoint! Wanted to make that clear

Hey, man, I really like the script.

I'm quite the sucker when it comes to sad endings, so awesome job!

Quoted from BryceS Hey, man, I really like the script. I'm quite the sucker when it comes to sad endings, so awesome job!

Appreciate that. Give me a day or two and check back for a revision to clean this bad boy up.

Hey, John!

This will make a terrific short film.

If anyone is looking out for a dark yet emotional, social commentary kinda story, this is it.

FYI - Revision posted with many of your thoughts/recommendations. Again, appreciate the input!

John,

A small nitpick.
If he is running to save his life (although it's all an illusion), why would he check his messages? Instead, if he receives a call from his wife, he picks it up, says "I'll be back home soon", cuts it and there we can see the wallpaper on his home screen.

As I and many said earlier, the little boy scene doesn't read smoothly. WHy would he talk to a small boy in the middle of a chase.

But, it's your story, your vision. Powerful script overall.