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An Occurrence on Owl Street - OWC (currently 1694 views) |
Don |
Posted: October 24th, 2020, 3:19pm |
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AdministratorAdministrator So, what are you writing?
LocationVirginia Posts16438 Posts Per Day 1.94 |
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------------- You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take. - Wayne Gretzky
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Revision History (2 edits; 1 reasons shown) |
Don - November 2nd, 2020, 12:46pm | | |
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steven8 |
Posted: October 24th, 2020, 7:51pm |
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Old Timer The Ed Wood of Simply Scripts
LocationBarberton, OH Posts1156 Posts Per Day 0.22 |
Even though I saw the end coming, it still made me sad. Terrible as it is in the world we live in, ripped from the headlines, I really like the way it works. Very real and textured in my mind's eye. Well done. |
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spesh2k |
Posted: October 24th, 2020, 8:00pm |
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January Project Group
LocationHarlem USA Posts1186 Posts Per Day 0.20 |
Ah, man, this one was a bummer. But powerful stuff. I loved how you took this TZ tale and weaved into something current -- although, this kinda thing has been going on since the original TZ episodes aired (and long before that). Just goes to show how much further we have to go in regards to racial profiling, relations with the police, etc.
One gripe was when Jack stops in the playground to chat with the little boy. His whole demeanor changes, as if he wasn't being chased at all. I know, it's a surreal kinda tale, but I think it'd fit better with the pacing if Jack tried hiding in the playground and the kid spotted him and they talked.
Anyway, that was pretty damn good, I liked it a lot.
-- Michael |
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Reply: 2 - 28 |
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ghost and_ghostie gal |
Posted: October 24th, 2020, 8:42pm |
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Old Timer
LocationA helluva long way from LA Posts1566 Posts Per Day 0.29 |
Well this was a sobering look at recent events. So i commend you on putting your own spin on things. It’s pretty straight-forward. Minor observation; Jack talking to himself in the alley, not sure that line was needed. Methinks the pic of his family would suffice. JMHO though. Anywaz, I enjoyed it. Hats off & GL with it. -A |
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AnthonyCawood |
Posted: October 25th, 2020, 6:03am |
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January Project Group
LocationUK Posts4323 Posts Per Day 1.13 |
Very nice take on the episode, well written and of the now.
I've little to add beyond I thought the very final scene, though we know what's coming, felt a little abrupt... maybe expand it a little bit, show Jack smiling (because he's 'home') or something.
Great writing |
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Gum |
Posted: October 25th, 2020, 4:33pm |
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Been Around
LocationSome travelling Circus... Posts832 Posts Per Day 0.41 |
Hi writer,
Yeah, OK… this one was a quick read, it was very suspenseful and made me read on with anticipation.
That being said, the only thing I’d lose is the dialog between Jack and the boy at the park, that seemed kind of off considering his circumstance, that being he’s on the lam but feels compelled to stop and reminisce about his youth. Probably just hiding near a bush in the park and motioning to the boy to ‘hush’, then the boy tells him to get going. Just my opinion of course. Works well, good job. |
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Reply: 5 - 28 |
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Matthew Taylor |
Posted: October 26th, 2020, 8:29am |
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January Project Group
LocationShakespeare's county Posts1770 Posts Per Day 0.88 |
Very similar title to the original - Not saying it's a bad thing just seems lazy to me.
I read this just after reading "Great Again" which has the same theme and is very poignant. The other one was written better, but this one I felt had a much better story and was more powerful. Got me in the feelers at the end.
Just read the plot for the TZ episode, and it's basically the same story, but in a different time - don't get me wrong it is nicely aligned with it's modern message - but it's not really it's "own story". I won't mark down on it I guess, just thought I would mention.
Great job though.
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42.2
Two steps to writing a good screenplay: 1) Write a bad one 2) Fix it |
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MarkRenshaw |
Posted: October 26th, 2020, 8:41am |
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January Project Group
LocationUK Posts2335 Posts Per Day 0.58 |
Nicely written and poignant. Part of me felt uncomfortable reading it and that it was maybe too soon but then I realised this has been going on for hundreds of years and I should feel uncomfortable.
A couple of suggestions. Him taking the photo out of the wallet and saying he needs to get home felt purely for the benefit of the audience and not his.
Being guided by his Uncle and younger version of himself was a nice touch but didn't seem relevant to the story. It would be a nice touch if he has this imaginary journey home, then manages to break free from the police for real and follow the directions from his imagination to outrun the police for a different spin on things.
Great effort.
-Mark |
| For more of my scripts, stories, produced movies and the ocassional blog, check out my new website. CLICK |
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Reply: 7 - 28 |
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Bort |
Posted: October 26th, 2020, 12:22pm |
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January Project Group
LocationToronto, Canada Posts40 Posts Per Day 0.03 |
First off writer, I commend you for the positive reviews you've received thus far. However, I'm not in this camp. Not knowing who the writer is, I'm choosing my words carefully and have chosen to comment outside of the technical writing POV.
I'm torn because I wanted to like this one as it's timely and touches on an important topic.
Though I think the execution is done in poor taste. I felt very uncomfortable reading this script and not in a good self-reflective way. We know how this story is going to end on Page 1, not just because it's an exact rewrite of a TZ episode, but because you're retelling an exact real life event where a real person actually died this way. I'm sorry, but I can't look past that. Perhaps it's too soon for me?
There is no twist, no agency given to the character to defy his outcome. Perhaps that's the point. It came off as a spectacle to me, though this might not have been your intention as I understand it could have been commentary. If this was an attempt at honouring the person and families affected by this event, I don't see it and welcome a discussion in PM.
Thanks. |
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JEStaats |
Posted: October 26th, 2020, 12:28pm |
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Old Timer No sh*t, there I was....
LocationTucson, AZ Posts1736 Posts Per Day 0.62 |
This was a pretty decent contemporary retelling of the original. Very similar but a different overall feel to it.
I have to agree with others about the photo. So overdone and unnecessary. Maybe instead of buying a bottle in the beginning, he was buying a birthday present for his girl? I think maybe the encounter in the playground could have been heightened somehow. IDK.
Nice work. |
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Rob |
Posted: October 26th, 2020, 6:13pm |
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Posts218 Posts Per Day 0.11 |
I have seen Enrico's "Occurrence at Owl Creek Bridge" about a dozen times, so I appreciate your modern take on it. I like the small references you made throughout: 1962, Enrico, etc.
This works well overall. The original was mostly without dialogue, and I wonder how this would have worked if you had followed suit. There was a weird vibe in that episode, and you captured that, but maybe you could have pushed the envelope just a bit on that.
Thanks for updating a great episode. |
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MarkD |
Posted: October 27th, 2020, 3:24pm |
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Posts142 Posts Per Day 0.10 |
I was already familiar with the short story that the episode was based on and I must say this is a very good update of the story. The story hits hard no matter what time period you put it in. |
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Reply: 11 - 28 |
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Fais85 |
Posted: October 29th, 2020, 3:57am |
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New
LocationIndia Posts190 Posts Per Day 0.10 |
Powerful script. Loved this.
Apart from Jack talking to that little boy, everything else was written perfectly as it should. The ending made me sad.
Very well written. Good job writer. |
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ChrisBodily |
Posted: October 29th, 2020, 7:21am |
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January Project Group
Posts572 Posts Per Day 0.17 |
Surely, you can't be serious. This episode is notable for having been an award-winning French silent short film two years prior. A Twilight Zone script with a twilight time indicator. Fucking pigs. Too soon. Serling Avenue. Nice. Yikes. This was beautifully written. Obviously a seasoned pro. Outstanding job. |
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Reply: 13 - 28 |
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Conz |
Posted: October 29th, 2020, 4:09pm |
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January Project Group
Posts349 Posts Per Day 0.07 |
We’ve traded the creek for a street. Let’s go…
This is gonna be a sad one considering I know how the episode ends.
Verrrrrrry convenient little visual there. He looks at the photo in his wallet… there are more creative ways to tell us he has a family before page 3, even by using other visual tricks.
Look, it was a good take on a classic episode, and it was topical. I appreciate that. I guess knowing the episode spoils this one almost immediately. At least with other stories I kinda thought there would be a twist on a known twist. I think this is the most obvious script I’ve read so far.
Not too bad, but considering it ended on the top of page 5, I think you could have fleshed it out a little more and tried to deceive a bit. It was so obvious he was dead from the second he saw Uncle Dave, the rest of the script didn’t even really matter. Whenever there is a “he was dead all along” story it usually brings you along in such creative ways, the twist hits you like a brick. I guess it’s not fair here b/c we know the inspiration… but I still think you could have flipped it on us in some way. |
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"Career" Highlights -2, count em, 2 credits on my IMDB page. -One time a fairly prominent producer e-mailed me back. -I have made more than $1000 with my writing! -I've won 2 mugs... and a thong. (polaroids of me in thong available for $10 through PM)
@vc_wg - because I crave attention |
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Lightfoot |
Posted: October 29th, 2020, 6:39pm |
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LocationLondon, Ontario Posts379 Posts Per Day 0.07 |
Well written.
I'd lose the parts where he looks at a picture of his family and the part with the boy.
So, if he was dead all along then why were the cops still going after him? Keep the police in there, but change it up enough to where they are acting unusual to give us a sense that there is something off.
Anyways, good work. |
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Claudio |
Posted: October 30th, 2020, 7:57pm |
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January Project Group
LocationLos Angeles Posts102 Posts Per Day 0.06 |
Oof. I'm sure we all knew where this story was going.
The specific image of the police officer's knee on the neck of a dying black man is a tough one at the moment. I'm not sure how other people felt about that, but it felt a little tone deaf/ "too soon" for me. Jack also calls out to "Momma", which is something that the very real George Floyd did.
I'm sure this was written by someone well-meaning, but it did not work for me. This felt more like the appropriation of a tragic event than creative writing, but I'm sure I'm just not the audience.
Best of luck with this! |
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LC |
Posted: October 30th, 2020, 10:06pm |
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Administrator
LocationThe Great Southern Land Posts7630 Posts Per Day 1.34 |
Ooh, I'm so glad I managed to squeeze this one in.
...a metal button on his denim jacket catches the edge of the glass and it shatters.
Hmm, would it just take that to shatter and break? I won't nitpick the rest.
Loved the opening. Nothing like being unjustly accused to get my blood boiling... Powerful, memorable, and very well written.
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JEStaats |
Posted: October 31st, 2020, 5:12pm |
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Old Timer No sh*t, there I was....
LocationTucson, AZ Posts1736 Posts Per Day 0.62 |
Yes, I wrote this in an hour just before it was due.
Apologies to anyone that thinks that it's too soon to write about this. I disagree. It was out of respect.
I curse myself for that damn picture but not for talking to his younger self in the playground.
Thanks for reading and commenting! |
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LC |
Posted: October 31st, 2020, 5:16pm |
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Administrator
LocationThe Great Southern Land Posts7630 Posts Per Day 1.34 |
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Matthew Taylor |
Posted: October 31st, 2020, 5:21pm |
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January Project Group
LocationShakespeare's county Posts1770 Posts Per Day 0.88 |
Well done on this one. Personally, I really liked this one, got me in the feelers. |
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42.2
Two steps to writing a good screenplay: 1) Write a bad one 2) Fix it |
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spesh2k |
Posted: October 31st, 2020, 5:27pm |
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January Project Group
LocationHarlem USA Posts1186 Posts Per Day 0.20 |
This was my top-rated script -- I can see it was coming from a good place, so I didn't necessarily see it as an exploitation of a tragic event, though I can understand how it may offend others. Not sure why the same readers weren't offended by mine lol.
Of course, the wallet is an easy fix. You could just have him on the phone, speaking to his wife, saying he's on his way home and, on the phone, there's a picture of his kid and wife. I also wouldn't have him come out of a liquor store. And I wouldn't telegraph the twist so soon with ghosts acknowledging his situation without prior knowledge of it.
As for the scene talking to his younger self, I'd maybe have him hide behind some playground equipment. He comes out when he thinks the coast is clear (maybe the cops looking for him disappear out of view) and notices the kid. THEN the cops return and he takes off again. But that's just what I would do -- it's your story, you know it better than me.
Great work!
-- Michael |
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JEStaats |
Posted: October 31st, 2020, 5:38pm |
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Old Timer No sh*t, there I was....
LocationTucson, AZ Posts1736 Posts Per Day 0.62 |
Thanks LC (I can always depend on you), Matt, and Michael. Appreciate your inputs. I've felt like a bridesmaid in these challenges for so long now. Dammit, there are a bunch of good writers on this site. |
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Bort |
Posted: October 31st, 2020, 6:37pm |
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January Project Group
LocationToronto, Canada Posts40 Posts Per Day 0.03 |
Outside of my previous comment on topic and timeliness, this was well written from a technical standpoint! Wanted to make that clear |
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BryceS |
Posted: October 31st, 2020, 10:43pm |
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Posts12 Posts Per Day 0.01 |
Hey, man, I really like the script.
I'm quite the sucker when it comes to sad endings, so awesome job! |
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JEStaats |
Posted: October 31st, 2020, 10:49pm |
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Old Timer No sh*t, there I was....
LocationTucson, AZ Posts1736 Posts Per Day 0.62 |
Hey, man, I really like the script.
I'm quite the sucker when it comes to sad endings, so awesome job! |
Appreciate that. Give me a day or two and check back for a revision to clean this bad boy up. |
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Fais85 |
Posted: November 1st, 2020, 2:34am |
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LocationIndia Posts190 Posts Per Day 0.10 |
Hey, John!
This will make a terrific short film.
If anyone is looking out for a dark yet emotional, social commentary kinda story, this is it. |
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JEStaats |
Posted: November 2nd, 2020, 1:58pm |
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Old Timer No sh*t, there I was....
LocationTucson, AZ Posts1736 Posts Per Day 0.62 |
FYI - Revision posted with many of your thoughts/recommendations. Again, appreciate the input! |
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Fais85 |
Posted: November 3rd, 2020, 1:33am |
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LocationIndia Posts190 Posts Per Day 0.10 |
John,
A small nitpick. If he is running to save his life (although it's all an illusion), why would he check his messages? Instead, if he receives a call from his wife, he picks it up, says "I'll be back home soon", cuts it and there we can see the wallpaper on his home screen.
As I and many said earlier, the little boy scene doesn't read smoothly. WHy would he talk to a small boy in the middle of a chase.
But, it's your story, your vision. Powerful script overall. |
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