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Tyler's ahem, accident seems a little too sudden. No build up, conflict shouldn't occur OS. Also, try and avoid lines like "Iï¿½m going to let you sleep." and such, can the audience understand the scene without it? Of course they can, which is especially funny since she doesn't really let him sleep. Also, the whole sim card and broken phone business felt a little convenient, but it's a one week effort so you can't expect everything. Anyway...
Not entirely sure if I understood the ending, had to reread a few times. So, Jen used the dog to get revenge on Tyler? Seems like an incredibly simple concept that could've been told in a few pages, and with a lot more understanding as well. Jen isn't very likeable, and even though Tyler is cheating, he at least doesn't threaten to kill a dog. There's no way we can get behind Jen, absolutely no way, but I think I may have missed something since it's like 3 in the morning where I live at the moment. Might have to get back to this one.
Edit: So, I read over this once more and I think I comprehend it a little better. Spoilers beyond. Beside the suddenness of the murder like Anthony wrote, the story's definitely there, and reading the other comments, it seemed like Jen was actually meant to a total bitch, hence the title I think. There's definitely a decent enough story here, with quite a nice twist at the end, but I feel you could tell the same story with less pages. There's a lot of mumbling around and such, but it's not a bad effort. Regarding Dave's comment, I also agree that it's pretty much without fail that Tyler has an alibi, I mean who else would do it? In fact, it'd be pretty obvious that the disgruntled lover, aka Jen, is the real murderer.
Crisply written - well paced. I felt the action descriptions were dead on. The dialogue got a little pedestrian at times, but all in all - moved the story along.
My only major issue was Tyler being in the hospital - didn't see anyway that he would be threatened by set up for murder since he has obvious alibis and would Jen do the murder and the set up knowing that? Couldn't get past that - change his absence to something else and I'm totally there.
Writing seems OK out of the gate, which is a welcome surprise.
IMO, a little too much unnecessary detail on Page 1, but no big complaints.
Look into lays vs. lies - every writer needs to understand when to use each. You have many incorrect uses throughout the script.
You've painted Jen as a total "bitch" for sure, and I know that's intentional, so good job.
Bottom of Page 2 - it's the same Slug, except time has passed, so really LATER would work better.
Page 3 - I don't like the asides here, but it's just something I'll never warm to. You don't need to tell us various stuff - show us.
Way too much talking to herself from Jen, IMO.
You missed a new Slug at the bottom of Page 5.
I'm personally not a fan of "SAME TIME" in Slugs. I'd recommend "CONTINUOUS".
Page 7 - "the stands" - "then"? Not sure, but there's a typo here.
Same Slug again, but time has obviously passed. IMO, you should try and avoid such situations, as it reads very awkwardly. These are really the only times when you can FADE OUT and the FADE IN again, as it shows the passing of time much better than the way you're doing it does. Make sense?
Damn...and you did it yet again! Too much. Needs to be rethought - a different setting or FADE OUT and FADE IN , as mentioned above.
Ha! Great ending. Well done.
Easily the best of the first 10 I've read. Some areas you can clean up (like the missing EXT Slug) but overall, well written, well thought out, well executed. I'm not a fan of the title, but I defintitely understand what you're going for with it.
You took a well known urban legend and completely turned it upside down, while also concealing exactly what it even was, until the very end, which is tough to do.
Very, VERY well done. I'm impressed!
To ski or not to ski...that's not even a question.
Yeah I second the motion - I have no idea of the UL ( it's funny how the proper old urban legends involving serial killers and creatures have been supplanted by modern day anecdotes) but this is a neat little script and written pretty well. Easy on the eye too. Top stuff!
It's OK. There's a story here that makes sense, at least. Was a bit too linear and the only character I remotely cared about was the dog. It's essentially a "gag" script, and I think it could be pared down a lot.
from the longline I'm not quite sure what to make of this…
oh yes, i read about this story, the dog running up to the mistresses house.
there were a few extra bits to this but I'm not sure it wholly worked for me. Jen cutting a finger off - actually the dog may have bitten it off - actually killing the other woman didn't quite work for me. the character portrayed to us before then was a hard working person who pulled her weight, so to speak. yes she was annoyed with the dog, and her husband (so was I) but the murder seems a tad out of the blue.
on second thoughts, why invite the woman round, when you can kill her in her house, the one you don't know about and have an albi for? just a thought.
The Elevator Belonging To Alice - Semi Final Bluecat, Runner Up Nashville Inner Journey - Page Awards Finalist - Bluecat semi final Grieving Spell - winner - London Film Awards. Third - Honolulu Ultimate Weapon - Fresh Voices - second place IMDb link... http://www.imdb.com/name/nm7062725/?ref_=tt_ov_wr
Love the title. LOVE Millie the Dobie. And the writing's very smooth. Problem is, it falls apart at the end. (Yes, it was obvious where it was going after awhile, but that's not the problem.) Point is, Jen's SERIOUSLY got to get her comeuppance; she's the bad b*tch of this story. Ending on the backyard getting dug up falls flat.
My five cents? You need to set up a bit where Jen doesn't feed Millie out of spite, thus giving the dobie reason to dig up the grave for food. And Jen needs to meet a really bad end somehow. I'm not 100% sure what way is best. But it's got to happen for this one to truly click! (And the rewrite's worth doing - this one could be lots of fun.)