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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    February 2015 One Week Challenge  ›  Bitch's Revenge - OWC Moderators: Mr. Blonde
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  Author    Bitch's Revenge - OWC  (currently 3862 views)
Posted: February 15th, 2015, 10:19am Report to Moderator

So, what are you writing?

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Bitch's Revenge by Julien Lowe - Short, Drama - While a man recovers from a car accident, it becomes apparent that he may have too many bitches. - pdf, format

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Posted: February 15th, 2015, 11:12am Report to Moderator

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Tyler's ahem, accident seems a little too sudden. No build up, conflict shouldn't occur OS. Also, try and avoid lines like "I�m going to let you sleep." and such, can the audience understand the scene without it? Of course they can, which is especially funny since she doesn't really let him sleep. Also, the whole sim card and broken phone business felt a little convenient, but it's a one week effort so you can't expect everything. Anyway...

Not entirely sure if I understood the ending, had to reread a few times. So, Jen used the dog to get revenge on Tyler? Seems like an incredibly simple concept that could've been told in a few pages, and with a lot more understanding as well. Jen isn't very likeable, and even though Tyler is cheating, he at least doesn't threaten to kill a dog. There's no way we can get behind Jen, absolutely no way, but I think I may have missed something since it's like 3 in the morning where I live at the moment. Might have to get back to this one.

Edit: So, I read over this once more and I think I comprehend it a little better. Spoilers beyond. Beside the suddenness of the murder like Anthony wrote, the story's definitely there, and reading the other comments, it seemed like Jen was actually meant to a total bitch, hence the title I think. There's definitely a decent enough story here, with quite a nice twist at the end, but I feel you could tell the same story with less pages. There's a lot of mumbling around and such, but it's not a bad effort. Regarding Dave's comment, I also agree that it's pretty much without fail that Tyler has an alibi, I mean who else would do it? In fact, it'd be pretty obvious that the disgruntled lover, aka Jen, is the real murderer.

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nawazm11  -  February 15th, 2015, 11:55pm
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Posted: February 15th, 2015, 1:19pm Report to Moderator
Old Timer

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I like the setup of the jealous dog and the eventual reveal of the affair, thought that worked well.

But I think his accident should be somehow linked to the affair and be shown in some capacity.

The end felt a little sudden and muddled, but once I'd got my bearings I thought it was okay.

Overall a decent effort though a little linear.


Anthony Cawood - Award winning screenwriter
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Posted: February 15th, 2015, 1:26pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients

Southern California
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Crisply written - well paced. I felt the action descriptions were dead on. The dialogue got a little pedestrian at times, but all in all - moved the story along.

My only major issue was Tyler being in the hospital - didn't see anyway that he would be threatened by set up for murder since he has obvious alibis and would Jen do the murder and the set up knowing that? Couldn't get past that - change his absence to something else and I'm totally there.

My Scripts can all be seen here:
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Posted: February 15th, 2015, 3:03pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients

Yes, that is my real hair...

Cave Creek, AZ
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As I go...

Writing seems OK out of the gate, which is a welcome surprise.

IMO, a little too much unnecessary detail on Page 1, but no big complaints.

Look into lays vs. lies - every writer needs to understand when to use each.  You have many incorrect uses throughout the script.

You've painted Jen as a total "bitch" for sure, and I know that's intentional, so good job.

Bottom of Page 2 - it's the same Slug, except time has passed, so really LATER would work better.

Page 3 - I don't like the asides here, but it's just something I'll never warm to.  You don't need to tell us various stuff - show us.

Way too much talking to herself from Jen, IMO.

You missed a new Slug at the bottom of Page 5.

I'm personally not a fan of "SAME TIME" in Slugs.  I'd recommend "CONTINUOUS".

Page 7 - "the stands" - "then"?  Not sure, but there's a typo here.

Same Slug again, but time has obviously passed.  IMO, you should try and avoid such situations, as it reads very awkwardly.  These are really the only times when you can FADE OUT and the FADE IN again, as it shows the passing of time much better than the way you're doing it does.  Make sense?

Damn...and you did it yet again!  Too much.  Needs to be rethought - a different setting or FADE OUT and FADE IN , as mentioned above.

Ha!  Great ending.  Well done.

Easily the best of the first 10 I've read.  Some areas you can clean up (like the missing EXT Slug) but overall, well written, well thought out, well executed.  I'm not a fan of the title, but I defintitely understand what you're going for with it.

You took a well known urban legend and completely turned it upside down, while also concealing exactly what it even was, until the very end, which is tough to do.

Very, VERY well done.  I'm impressed!

To ski or not to ski...that's not even a question.
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Posted: February 15th, 2015, 10:39pm Report to Moderator
Old Timer

Down Under
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Yeah I second the motion - I have no idea of the UL ( it's funny how the proper old urban legends involving serial killers and creatures have been supplanted by modern day anecdotes) but this is a neat little script and written pretty well. Easy on the eye too.  Top stuff!

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Posted: February 16th, 2015, 12:05am Report to Moderator

Do you like to eat pie after a good movie?

The Great Southern Land
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Writing's a bit rough in a couple of patches:
Tyler lay in a bed... That's a big bad whoops.
Overall pretty good though. Gets it all across. But I notice Dave makes a good point alibi wise.

Oh dear, a younger woman and the older one's only twenty-five.

The hybrid story - I'm guessing: 'Seven Year Bitch x Humans Can Lick Too' is nicely done. Good thinking for the OWC.

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Scar Tissue Films
Posted: February 16th, 2015, 1:57am Report to Moderator
OWC Moderator

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It's OK. There's a story here that makes sense, at least. Was a bit too linear and the only character I remotely cared about was the dog. It's essentially a "gag" script, and I think it could be pared down a lot.
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Reef Dreamer
Posted: February 16th, 2015, 2:03pm Report to Moderator
Old Timer

The effects of writing again....

The Island of Jersey
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Bitches revenge

from the longline I'm not quite sure what to make of this…

oh yes, i read about this story, the dog running up to the mistresses house.

there were a few extra bits to this but I'm not sure it wholly worked for me. Jen cutting a finger off - actually the dog may have bitten it off - actually killing the other woman didn't quite work for me. the character portrayed to us before then was a hard working person who pulled her weight, so to speak. yes she was annoyed with the dog, and her husband (so was I) but the murder seems a tad out of the blue.

on second thoughts, why invite the woman round, when you can kill her in her house, the one you don't know about and have an albi for? just a  thought.

but for a weeks work, not bad.

My scripts  HERE

The Elevator Most Belonging To Alice - Semi Final Bluecat, Runner Up Nashville
Inner Journey - Page Awards Finalist - Bluecat semi final
Grieving Spell - winner - London Film Awards.  Third - Honolulu
Ultimate Weapon - Fresh Voices - second place
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Posted: February 16th, 2015, 2:41pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients

Action speaks louder...

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Good story, well told (aside from the 'lay' thing). I'm not far from giving this a consider. I think the story is ready to go, so can't give any suggestions for improvement.

It would make a great student project.

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Posted: February 16th, 2015, 6:02pm Report to Moderator
Guest User

This one's 4/5s of the way toward good!

Love the title. LOVE Millie the Dobie.  And the writing's very smooth.  Problem is, it falls apart at the end.  (Yes, it was obvious where it was going after awhile, but that's not the problem.)  Point is, Jen's SERIOUSLY got to get her comeuppance; she's the bad b*tch of this story.  Ending on the backyard getting dug up falls flat.  

My five cents?  You need to set up a bit where Jen doesn't feed Millie out of spite, thus giving the dobie reason to dig up the grave for food.  And Jen needs to meet a really bad end somehow.  I'm not 100% sure what way is best.  But it's got to happen for this one to truly click!  (And the rewrite's worth doing - this one could be lots of fun.)
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Posted: February 16th, 2015, 7:18pm Report to Moderator

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I would've had Millie rip Jen's throat out, but that's just me, and she was the real "bitch" of the story.

Overall, this is a good script.  I'm not familiar with the legend however, brain's conked out, but it's a decent effort and the writing is excellent.

I'll agree with others though.  The ending does fall flat and Jen doesn't get her comeuppance.  Kind of a let down there.  I was hoping to see a little more out of it, but solid for 1 week's work.
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Posted: February 17th, 2015, 3:29am Report to Moderator

I wish my brain was half as wise as my ass.

Asheville, NC
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Hmmm...I had a different take on this story. I thought Millie the dog b1tch got revenge on Jen the b1tch by digging up the fingers. I could be wrong though.

The writing was good and the story kept my interest. I don't know what UL it is. Bill said something about a dog running up to a mistress's house and Jeff mentioned the UL was revealed at the end.

I thought the beginning of the script was much smoother than the end. The end felt a bit rushed. Pretty good job for one week though.

“If someone is trying to bring you down, it just means you are above them."

Revision History (1 edits)
marnieml  -  February 19th, 2015, 8:08am
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Posted: February 17th, 2015, 9:37am Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients

Yes, that is my real hair...

Cave Creek, AZ
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Quoted from marnieml
I don't know what UL it is. Bill said something about a dog running up to a mistress's house and Jeff mentioned the UL was revealed at the end.

Marnie, The UL is that of the choking Doberman - look it up.

IMO, the nice thing about the execution here is that it doesn't play out remotely like the original UL, but still retains the the end, which means nothing is really telegraphed.

To ski or not to ski...that's not even a question.
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Posted: February 17th, 2015, 11:28am Report to Moderator

At my signal, unleash Hellboy

St Albans, England
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I must admit, I'd never heard of this one until I googled it. Having come across dogs like this before, I can empathise.

The dialogue came across as straight and realistic, as well as being really well written on the whole.

I enjoyed it.
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