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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Romantic Comedy  ›  Baggage
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  Author    Baggage  (currently 540 views)
Don
Posted: March 20th, 2021, 9:49am Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Baggage by David C Lambertson - Romantic Comedy - A small-town, wannabe writer creates short stories based on the items she finds in baggage at the lost luggage center where she works. Her life changes when she writes a story that is based on the emotionally charged items lost by a hot-headed Hollywood producer. 113 pages - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work



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Revision History (1 edits)
Don  -  April 5th, 2021, 8:26pm
revised draft
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eldave1
Posted: March 20th, 2021, 12:01pm Report to Moderator
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The idea for this one came from a Google search of America's most unique towns. One that came up was Scottsboro Alabama (population 12,000) nestled in the Appalachian Mountains. They have the only Unclaimed Baggage Shopping Center in the USA there. Basically, they buy all of the unclaimed baggage (sight unseen) from the major outlines and sell the contents of those bags at this huge outlet center in their small town.

In my story, of the workers (Jenna) is a 40-something wannabe writer that writes fictional stories based on some of the stranger things she finds in the unclaimed luggage she opens and posts those stories on a blog (Baggage Stories). Her life changes when she happens to write a story on the contents of a lost suitcase owned by Billy Bunker, a crass, hot-headed, relatively famous Hollywood producer.

For the first time ever I used a Narrator as a character in a story. I plan on writing an additional draft without the Narrator and trimming some more pages. Looking for feedback on character arcs, did the humor land, is this something you would watch, etc.

Thanks in advance to anyone that takes a look.


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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Warren
Posted: March 20th, 2021, 9:29pm Report to Moderator
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Did you trim some pages already?

This much different to the draft I read?


To View All My Scripts Please Use The Link Below

My Website

My IMDb

Shaka Comic Book

All Things Shaka
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eldave1
Posted: March 20th, 2021, 9:44pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Warren
Did you trim some pages already?

This much different to the draft I read?


4/5th fewer dudes

1/2 less narrator

Some scene changes - minor

Ending throttled back just a bit

Otherwise - pretty much what you already read



My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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Warren
Posted: March 21st, 2021, 12:06am Report to Moderator
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Nice one, dude :p I'm looking forward to hearing other's thoughts.


To View All My Scripts Please Use The Link Below

My Website

My IMDb

Shaka Comic Book

All Things Shaka
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eldave1
Posted: March 21st, 2021, 12:14am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Warren
Nice one, dude :p I'm looking forward to hearing other's thoughts.


Thanks,  dude


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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Grandma Bear
Posted: March 21st, 2021, 9:03am Report to Moderator
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I see you are following the trend of making the cover page help set the tone right off the bat.  


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eldave1
Posted: March 21st, 2021, 11:31am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Grandma Bear
I see you are following the trend of making the cover page help set the tone right off the bat.  


Yeah ... I think we are in a new era


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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Grandma Bear
Posted: March 21st, 2021, 11:58am Report to Moderator
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Page 1.     Excellent first page. Love the V.O.

Page 2.     Blonde.

Page 3.     Great at the end there with Heatherís respond to Billy that is really a response to Ethan.

Page 4.     First hint of something going wrong and how the baggage will go unclaimed.

Page 5.     Confirms what I suspected Billyís character would be. Lol.

Page 6.     Rather abrupt transition from Sebastianís office to Tiffanyís. Needs something in between there, IMO. Even if just a quick visual.

Page 8.     Slight confusion now. The script starts at LAX followed by simply, movie studio office, then weíre in NYC and then JFK. I think you need to tell us where these movie studios are. I assumed we were in LA. If so, then itís a weird jump to Tiffanyís and then JFK. Probably want to clarify this. Or is it just me being stupid?

Ethan Hunter, is that a young Tom Cruise?

My thoughts after the first 10.

An easy breezy read. We are definitely in competent hands. Thereís humor, irony, and intrigue. I want to read on. My only issue here would be that with Billy out cold/dead, who is our protagonist? Either itís the suitcase or the first ten was just a set-up/tease.

Great job so far. All I had time for this morning. Hubby went to ER this morning. He went there himself, so nothing too dramatic. Hopefully everything will be okay.


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eldave1
Posted: March 21st, 2021, 12:35pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Grandma Bear
Page 1.     Excellent first page. Love the V.O.

Page 2.     Blonde.

Page 3.     Great at the end there with Heatherís respond to Billy that is really a response to Ethan.

Page 4.     First hint of something going wrong and how the baggage will go unclaimed.

Page 5.     Confirms what I suspected Billyís character would be. Lol.

Page 6.     Rather abrupt transition from Sebastianís office to Tiffanyís. Needs something in between there, IMO. Even if just a quick visual.

Page 8.     Slight confusion now. The script starts at LAX followed by simply, movie studio office, then weíre in NYC and then JFK. I think you need to tell us where these movie studios are. I assumed we were in LA. If so, then itís a weird jump to Tiffanyís and then JFK. Probably want to clarify this. Or is it just me being stupid?

Ethan Hunter, is that a young Tom Cruise?

My thoughts after the first 10.

An easy breezy read. We are definitely in competent hands. Thereís humor, irony, and intrigue. I want to read on. My only issue here would be that with Billy out cold/dead, who is our protagonist? Either itís the suitcase or the first ten was just a set-up/tease.

Great job so far. All I had time for this morning. Hubby went to ER this morning. He went there himself, so nothing too dramatic. Hopefully everything will be okay.


Hey, thanks Pia - good point on the abrupt transition between LAX and New York. My wife just mentioned the same thing. I'm going to add something like this in the next draft (in between him leaving Sebastian's Office in LA and showing up at Tiffany's in NYC)

INT. LAX AIRPORT - DELTA CHECK-IN  - COUNTER - DAY

Billy hands his ticket to a smiling CLERK as places the Chelsea suitcase we last saw stranded on the airport baggage carousel on the luggage weigh-in scale.

CLERK
(checking the ticket)
Ah, New York. I love it there.

BILLY
Good to know.
(points at computer terminal)
Donít want to miss my flight.

The Clerkís smile evaporates as he taps in Billyís information into the computer. A Boarding Pass prints out.

The Clerk hands the Boarding Pass to Billy, then grabs the Chelsea suitcase, hitting the corner of it against a wall as he removes it from the scale.

BILLY
Hey, hey - careful there. That isnít a duffel bag.

Thanks again - hope your hubby is doing well



My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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spesh2k
Posted: March 21st, 2021, 1:24pm Report to Moderator
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Hey man,

So, I'm up to page 20 right now. So far, I love the premise, very unique. And it moves at a very fast pace -- the constant movement of the luggage really helps move the pacing of the story along. And it is very interesting, the whole process of what happens to lost luggage. It carries symbolism and I see a parallel to the actual characters in terms of who they are as people and how this lost luggage (specifically the Chelsea bag) and how it's handled reflects the lives and character of the people who come across it. And I also like the characters so far, you establish them impressively well in the short time they're on screen.

No complaints up to this point -- I won't be commenting on the actual writing too much, nor do I think it's necessary. You know what you're doing.

-- Michael


THE SUICIDE THEORY (Amazon Prime, 79% Rotten Tomatoes) https://www.imdb.com/title/tt2517300/?ref_=nm_knf_i1
RAGE (Coming Feb. 2021) https://www.imdb.com/title/tt8874764/?ref_=nm_knf_i2

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eldave1
Posted: March 21st, 2021, 4:28pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from spesh2k
Hey man,

So, I'm up to page 20 right now. So far, I love the premise, very unique. And it moves at a very fast pace -- the constant movement of the luggage really helps move the pacing of the story along. And it is very interesting, the whole process of what happens to lost luggage. It carries symbolism and I see a parallel to the actual characters in terms of who they are as people and how this lost luggage (specifically the Chelsea bag) and how it's handled reflects the lives and character of the people who come across it. And I also like the characters so far, you establish them impressively well in the short time they're on screen.

No complaints up to this point -- I won't be commenting on the actual writing too much, nor do I think it's necessary. You know what you're doing.

-- Michael


Thanks!


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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WayneM
Posted: March 22nd, 2021, 5:18am Report to Moderator
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Hi David.

It's the first time I've seen an image used on the title page and believe it adds to grabbing the reader. I like it.

I've only read fifteen pages with the first page grabbing me immediately - the use of some type of omnipotent airport/luggage narrator made me chuckle.

I've read a number of your scripts and consider you a terrific, as well as prolific, writer, and feel it can't be long before you break through - if that is indeed what you are still attempting to do.

Excuse me if I'm unable to offer anything of more substance or detail in relation to this script, other than I like most all of your stuff.

Cheers
Wayne
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eldave1
Posted: March 22nd, 2021, 11:37am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from WayneM
Hi David.

It's the first time I've seen an image used on the title page and believe it adds to grabbing the reader. I like it.

I've only read fifteen pages with the first page grabbing me immediately - the use of some type of omnipotent airport/luggage narrator made me chuckle.

I've read a number of your scripts and consider you a terrific, as well as prolific, writer, and feel it can't be long before you break through - if that is indeed what you are still attempting to do.

Excuse me if I'm unable to offer anything of more substance or detail in relation to this script, other than I like most all of your stuff.

Cheers
Wayne


Thank you for the kind words, Wayne - much appreciated.


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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spesh2k
Posted: March 22nd, 2021, 3:33pm Report to Moderator
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Up to page 55:

I'm really enjoying this (despite it not really being my preferred genre). As unlikable as Billy Bunker is, I still like him (if that makes any sense). His outbursts and manic struggles remind me of Curb Your Enthusiasm, how everyone seems to be against him all the time but, for some reason, we still kinda side with him and see his point on a lot of things. And though we kinda laugh at his struggles and his ignorance because of his insecurity driven pompousness and superiority complex, it also makes him relatable and somewhat likable as it keeps happening. I love how he constantly grapples with his inner peace, having these outbursts and then cutting himself off, reminding himself that he's a new Billy Bunker. And the information we learn about both he and Jenna really adds layers to their characters.

I'm not normally a fan of voice over, but it fits here and adds an earnest, storybook kinda tone. It almost reminds me of Big Lebowski mixed with the beginning of Magnolia a little bit.

At page 54, I love the meta B-story you add here, with Jenna's stories being pitched as a horror/mystery series to Netflix without her knowledge. In fact, the pitch itself is pretty fucking cool, sounds like a great idea for a series -- something to consider there, I feel like that idea itself has legs. But I love the parallels here, it's very well done -- Jenna uses Billy as a story w/ out his knowledge and now her story is being pitched to Netflix w/ out her knowledge.

I do like the comedy, how he always references movies and how those references usually go over people's heads, especially in this small town where the baggage center is.

Great stuff so far! Will continue reading!

-- Michael


THE SUICIDE THEORY (Amazon Prime, 79% Rotten Tomatoes) https://www.imdb.com/title/tt2517300/?ref_=nm_knf_i1
RAGE (Coming Feb. 2021) https://www.imdb.com/title/tt8874764/?ref_=nm_knf_i2

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