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Thanks to Steve I do apologize for the errors in Loserville episode 2, I have revised it and submitted for updating. So probably won`t get posted for a few weeks.
Always check your work people before submitting it...
Hi Mark. I read through you tvpilot and I tell you this, I loved it. So far it was the neatest script I've read. I wish my scripts were as clean. Can't wait to read the second part. Here I found or I think I found some mistakes: p-1 Mikey's dialog is interrupted without any interruptions. He says, Mom. Then again charracters name and he says, Mom!.... I think it should be Mom...Mom! and continue. p-11 You wrote, "Just as he does every morning", then you shoved it. I think you don't need that sentence. You have already shoved it in action and it is perfectly clear. p-22 Is Bread talking to Chad or Bob? If to Bob, then Bob is his brother and they seem to be always together so he should know Brad's slangs like ."Touche". But if he is talking to Chad, then you put Bob instead of Chad. IMO p-41 Mikey's dialog in the bottom reads, "Jimmy has been givin", I think it should be Jimmy has been given. That is all I found, if I found anything. The craft and story are great. Hope I was helpfull.
p-1 Mikey's dialog is interrupted without any interruptions. He says, Mom. Then again charracters name and he says, Mom!.... I think it should be Mom...Mom! and continue.
You are totally right here.... Schoolboy error... I revised my script and then didn`t check it when I sent it in.... so now I submitted a revised script of the pilot....
Again thanks for the info p.s If you want to read the 2nd episode, I can email you the revised version, or you can read the one above and ignore the grammar mistakes.(Another schoolboy error)
So far I'm up to page 25, will finish it off tomorrow.
I thought this episode started well, but then seemed to change part way through. I think the problem is that the tone seems to change. For about seven pages from 16-23 it came across more drama then comedy. I mean, comedy is subjective and maybe I missed something a few others would find funny, but it just didn't feel quite right to me.
Another issue for me is Bert. This is now our third character who's name starts with a B. I read once that you should try to avoid character names starting with the same letter and I believe this to be good advice. I guess it can be fine to have Brad and Bob because they are brothers, but change Berts name to anything else just to avoid any possible confusion.
So here are a few page by page notes thus far...
P1- Get rid of the parenthetical (TO BOB), it's obvious who it's to. P2- The alarm clock gag is a good one, though I think you could lose the 'if that's what you mean' line from Bob, just to clean it up. P4- Mickey's dialogue needs to be broken up, it's tough to read all in one go and I did try out loud a few times. P6- Peggy says 'Have you had sex yet?' I wasn't keen on this line. Could be changed to something just as awkward, but funny. P7- Desiree 'Aren't these puppies cute'... I chuckled. I don't think you need the guys to say anything after this, just give each other knowing looks would work fine/better. P11- Jimmy dialogue should be 'It must 'BE' her time of the month'. P14- When we meet Bert it takes 5 lines. In film scripts we try to avoid going over four but it's TV so could be different. It can be cleaned up easy enough. Get rid of the word 'old' as we know he's in his fifties. The word 'very' can go, I once read that if you use 'very' it makes the next word weak. Also just tell us he has bling, we don't need to know it's neck and arms because that's where bling generally goes. P15- (Clenching his fist for a fist pump)- get rid or make it an action line. When Bert asks if he wants one of his ho's made me chuckle. When we go into the apartment you didn't give a new slug. You also then say 'past Bert and the ho's to her apartment'. This to me meant we are at her apartment, but then we're back in the hallway avoiding druggies. P16- Two paragraphs with five lines back to back. Each can be avoided. In the first just take out one of the DVD titles. In the second you say 'tons' of pills fall out. It could just be pills fall out. 'Tons' could also be taken a bit literally like I first pictured it BTW. Also are the pills in bottles? You can also get rid of 'while keeping a conversation going with Mickey'. P19- Mickey says 'Well everyone except your dad'. This actually shocked me just because it seemed so unlike him. It is a worst thing you could say scenario which could be funny, but for some reason it didn't come across that way to me. I usually like that oh no he didn't just say that type of thing too. Maybe I'm just tired. P20- EXT SALLY'S APARTMENT HALLWAY... do you mean INT? P21- As above but now it's also just EXT SALLY'S APARTMENT. EXT SALLY'S WINDOW could be just EXT APARTMENT with a mini slug. When Sally jumps to kill herself, it didn't quite work for me. Logically it doesn't seem that could possibly happen. Maybe I just have to go with it as it's comedy? P23- Bert saying 'Ok whores...' made me chuckle. P25- When the addicts clap, then cough I laughed.
Is it TV pilots so easy to read, or it is your writing? I had never read through 55-52 pages in one hour before. Great writing man. Two thumbs up. I think I should learn a lot from you. If you don't mind to teach.
I found a few misspellings IMO. And here they are:
p-11 Chad says, it must he time of the mounth. I think you missed (be) after the word (must).
p-36 Sally begins to fake a orgasm. I think it should be (an orgasm)
p-38 You wrote he looks at little nervous at Chad. I think it should be ( a little) nervous.
I hope it helped. If you have anything else there to read send it over.
Sorry for the delay, been having internet problems. I'll start where I left off...
P26- 'Begins to re-enact the famous Monty Python sketch' is a line you can lose. I haven't seen a lot of MP stuff but I know of the sketch and could get the reference. You have 'and a sporting a shady', lose the first 'A'. Should the sign be CLOSED not CLOSE? P28- MAN dialogue... i'll should be I'll. P29- I can't figure out why 'Wank' would be on the letter? Plus I'm assuming this is in America but I thought Americans don't use that word? P32- I chuckled at Mickeys 'not necessary to squint' line. P34- Five line paragraph, get rid of 'as it's his first time buying condoms', we know that already. P36- Should be 'AN orgasm'. P38- Should be 'AT the bar', 'A little nervous'. When Chad says 'What no snappy comeback' should have a '?'. P39- Chad should say 'nor was HE'. P40- Man one says 'What'... no '?'. P41- Should Jimmy say 'for NOT being as smart'? P44- Chads line about remembering the eyes made me chuckle. P45- Chad twice says 'KNOWN' when I think it should be 'KNOWING'. His first dialogue is a bit of a mouthful too. P48- I think Jimmy should say 'he was A good man'. P51- Repeatly should be REPEATEDLY. Jimmy says 'you do'... no '?'. Chad saying 'I kinda see you in her' made me chuckle. P55- Reporter says 'you' instead of 'your'. When he said 'these are two guys that are guaranteed to have a job in the morning' amused me.
One other thing I noticed was on P49 you have Peggy leave, then Jimmys confusion and then Chad explaining the whole thing to him. I think this would of worked better if you had Peggy leave, Jimmy being confused and then just have Chad say he can explain, no more than that. Then cut to Jimmy banging his head on the bar. I worked it out from what she said that Jimmy was his dad so I'm sure everyone else could. This way you save over a page as well.
Overall this episode did have a few amusing points but for me it didn't work quite as well as the first episode. There are a few points where it seemed to go too long without something funny happening, but it could just be that certain things haven't worked for me. Like I said before I think the tone changes a few times, it lost a bit of the comedy vibe.
On the plus side I quite like Brad and Bob and think they have good potential. The real star for me though is Chad. I saw Steve say he was his favourite character too and I would have to agree 100%. With the strength of his character I think you should consider getting him involved a lot more. I look forward to every scene he's in. He's very well written so good work on your part for that.
My last little note, like in the first episode, is the use of 'your' instead of 'you're'. It seems to happen a lot and I think you could do with checking them all to make sure you use the right one.
I had another thought about Loserville which I wanted to share with you. I honestly think you have moved the Mickey and Sally relationship too fast. You’ve missed out on a lot of dating material and awkwardness IMO.
When guys date women, we all know that we want to get them in the sack and sometimes, especially in situation comedy the funniest part is the trying. I feel like you needed a couple of dating episodes, some awkwardness between the pair, have Mickey strike out a couple of times.
I just think there is so much potential material you’ve missed out on which could be very funny but maybe you have other ideas for their relationship? Maybe you’re moving it along fast for a particular reason?
Arty Thanks for the read and the very detailed feedback
Quoted from Arty
For about seven pages from 16-23 it came across more drama then comedy. I mean, comedy is subjective and maybe I missed something a few others would find funny, but it just didn't feel quite right to me.
Comedy is subjective.... this was Steve`s favourite scene and a few others.... What works for some, doesn`t work for others.
Quoted from Arty
Mickey says 'Well everyone except your dad'. This actually shocked me just because it seemed so unlike him.
Actually it`s very much Mickey`s character, more so in front of Jimmy, maybe he just let slip.
Quoted from Arty
When Sally jumps to kill herself, it didn't quite work for me. Logically it doesn't seem that could possibly happen. Maybe I just have to go with it as it's comedy?
This made me laugh... this is actually a true story about a friend of a friend!!! I know suicide is not funny, but when it goes wrong and you`re telling it on a construction site....It`s freaking hilarious.... Happened to a guy who tied himself to a pool table. He`s still alive and now he`s nicknamed "rope"
Onto your 2nd Feedback thank you I duly noted the grammar mistakes and incorporated some of you`re ideas.....Hope you don`t mind I liked Chad saying he can explain and leave it like that.
It`s funny how Steve and yourself both like Chad, he was never supposed to play a big part, he was originally Chinese, spoke broken english and would sing karaoke like Yoko Ono and I submitted it for a contest... The feedback did not come back well, typical stereotype, lumping all asians together(Chinese man singing Japanese karaoke badly).... so I used that and just completely reversed it....Very smart japanese man, who makes fun of people lumping asians together and still loves karaoke.... They loved it!
This was originally a screenplay I wrote about 2 years ago and I had it on this site and a lot of feedback I got was to make it a sitcom...so I did...I did a lot of research and read tv writing books/scripts and I know it`s not easy on the eye, but I do appreciate the feedback I get.
Steve, I didn`t notice your feedback until now... sorry buddy.
Quoted from Steve
I just think there is so much potential material you’ve missed out on which could be very funny but maybe you have other ideas for their relationship? Maybe you’re moving it along fast for a particular reason?
You can still date after you have sex...right? I don`t know if that`s too fast.... Maybe it`s from experience... we are still married 12 years later
Thanks for coming up with ideas buddy, in the middle of writing episode 3 and trying a short..
When do you stop dating though and become a couple, there's a difference right. I don’t consider me and my partner dating anymore. Anyway, I was just throwing a new idea around, dating is fantastic material for situation comedies so all I'm trying to say is don't move their relationship too fast, where they have become a couple rather than dating because you will missing out on so much comedic potential.
Good luck with episode 3 and hey, a short...look forward to seeing that, good to see you try something different.
As you requested I had a look at the first episode and I can say I absolutely loved it. I think sometimes the humour tapers out a bit, but you always brought it back with something that was laugh out loud funny. Some golden moments, including the kid in the pet store and the MASH theme song moment. You have a decent sense of humour.
You have some good characters in this and some surprising moments. There were times when I thought that maybe the dialogue could be cleaned up a bit, but on the other hand, this is a comedy. They don't tend to have natural dialogue, but it usually still works out well.
Rather than complaints on the formatting, I have a few questions...
Every now and then I notice you underline certain parts of the action paragraphs. I tried to work it out, but couldn't find how they were different from paragraph lines that weren't underlined. So, I thought I'd ask you. What is the point of that?
Another thing I picked up on was you tend to tell more about a characters personality when we first meet them rather than their appearance. Personally, I'd rather work out individual character traits for myself. Is that a t.v. writing thing, as well?
Overall, I see a lot of potential in this. Any plans to submit it to producers?
Every now and then I notice you underline certain parts of the action paragraphs. I tried to work it out, but couldn't find how they were different from paragraph lines that weren't underlined. So, I thought I'd ask you. What is the point of that?
It's not a must in TV writing, but when characters are walking around locations, it is underlined also as all the action is in CAPS you have to underline the characters when you first meet them, as opposed to screenplay where they're in CAPS.
Another thing I picked up on was you tend to tell more about a characters personality when we first meet them rather than their appearance. Personally, I'd rather work out individual character traits for myself. Is that a t.v. writing thing, as well?
Kind of ...sites.google.com/site/tvwriting/us-comedy/pilot-scripts
I think this explains it the best. Also you will notice a lot of different styles, I don't know why but Loserville is actually based on the "3rd rock from the Sun" template! I think it was first on the list on my writing software.
Overall, I see a lot of potential in this. Any plans to submit it to producers?
Thanks Dan, I'm trying to get a few more episodes under my belt, I just finished number 3... One contest told me I should get an agent, but I would rather have a few strong episodes.
Hey Mark, I know the format is correct but it’s a bitch to read lol.
I chuckled at some the lines early on; ‘The staple gun hold up’ and I don’t know if it was intentional but ‘fishes in their tankie wankies’? Maybe that’s the childish humour in me.
I had a bit of problem with the will though. It was funny but would Mickey really just accept something that clearly wasn’t a real will? Or was it, if it was, I think it would be more believable if it read more like a conventional will. In fact I think it could work better if it read formal and professional with a few added japes included.
I felt some of the dialogue didn’t always flow and was a bit forced. An example of this is when Mickey meets Sally for the first time. Sally rambles on about other shops in the town but Mickey responds with asking her where she came from. This leads on to another joke about birth control, which is quite funny, but naturally I think Mickey’s response might be something like ‘what the hell are you talking about?’
This might be a British thing but our pet shops don’t sell cats and dogs, or none that I’ve ever been in.
I noticed a few instances when characters seem to move around without you telling us but it’s not a great problem. Also a few times when I wasn’t sure where people were. An example is when the drunk enters the bar and is thrown out by Chad. The drunk confronts Chad, who I thought would be behind the bar but he seems to throw him out without moving, so I’m not sure if he was just stood near the bar or behind it. Like I say, not a major problem, especially in a sitcom script were its main focus on dialogue.
Why does Chad put on an accent to Jimmy when he knows him? He calls him Jimmy having not been told who he is, so I’m guessing he knows him? Also, at the beginning Mickey doesn’t seem to recognise Jimmy, Peggy tells him it’s uncle Jimmy, yet Bob, Brad and Chad seem to recognise him. Maybe I’m mistaken here?
I don’t get the image of a 60 year old man when I picture Jimmy.
Noticed a few ‘your’ that should be ‘you’re’.
Sally tells Mickey she was left as a baby on the doorstep of a church and then the Weston’s but a few moments later Mickey asks if her parents could help her? I thought she didn’t know her parents? Is he talking about the Weston’s?
I like the ‘Police’ line lol but I don’t think you need the line pointing it out as the band.
Why does Frankie want to destroy the Pet Shop?
I thought more of the story would have taken place in the Pet Shop but I’m guessing it may feature more in subsequent episodes.
Overall I enjoyed this. There were some very funny gags and one liners. Some things bothered me, see above, mostly Jimmy’s age. Bob and Brad were incredibly stupid and initially I thought too much but they grew on me. Chad was great too. Mickey and Sally’s relationship has great potential for more laughs, with her suicidal tendencies. I breezed through it and will take a look at episode 2 in the next few days, Mark.
Good read and enjoying it so far.
Check out my scripts...if you want to, no pressure.
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