Quoted from sniper Tell me about it. I've been working on the 4th instalment of my Aliens series for about a month now and have pretty much only gotten a page done. I hate it when that happens. Btw, I don't think you need to go into why people are all mute. The fact that the reader doesn't know this is really what attracted me to the story - it's strange and intriguing. Rob

Getting stuck is a bitch. There's nothing more frustrating. Just staring at that blank page. Argh!

And as for the mute, I won't explain where it comes from, but I might have to explain some of the circumstances surrounding everyone disappearing. I'm still very much on the fence on that.

But I'm trying to work on a number of scripts right now, to see if that helps on my inspiration.

The only thing that would make everyone permanently mute is an infectious virus that destroyed the vocal chords.

If you leave it unexplained, most people won't think about it or care, the biologically minded though could only put it down to that which may raise questions about the rest of the story.

I'm both a very pedantic writer and reader so I pick up on things that most people wouldn't notice or even care about. It may be something to think about though.

The logical deduction as the story stands is that there has been some kind of biological agent released and in wake of that people are being kidnapped. No natural virus would result in people disappearing.

The logical deduction from that is that either a state of war has broken out between earth nations or there has been an invasion by an extra-terrestrial force.

Ordinary people disappearing seems to lean to the side of an alien invasion. However, it could be just a pyshcological terror strategy to panic the population. The odds on that are certainly lower.


I am perhaps guilty of reading too much into the story, but a story has it's own logic and if you follow that even beyond the written plot you will inevitably come to your own conclusions.

Quoted from Scar Tissue Films The only thing that would make everyone permanently mute is an infectious virus that destroyed the vocal chords. If you leave it unexplained, most people won't think about it or care, the biologically minded though could only put it down to that which may raise questions about the rest of the story. I'm both a very pedantic writer and reader so I pick up on things that most people wouldn't notice or even care about. It may be something to think about though. The logical deduction as the story stands is that there has been some kind of biological agent released and in wake of that people are being kidnapped. No natural virus would result in people disappearing. The logical deduction from that is that either a state of war has broken out between earth nations or there has been an invasion by an extra-terrestrial force. Ordinary people disappearing seems to lean to the side of an alien invasion. I am perhaps guilty of reading too much into the story, but a story has it's own logic and if you follow that even beyond the written plot you will inevitably come to your own conclusions.

As it stands right now the mute angle is much more allegorical than scientific. The last thing I want is an biological explanation for it. I was very much inspired by the poetics of the film Last Night and the japanese film Kaïro, which I already mentioned, and I wrote this as an antithesis to most Apocalypse movies where a VIRUS, METEORS, FLOODS, VOLCANOS or NUCLEAR WAR is what's gonna kill us off.

I didn't want that.  I wanted quiet instead of chaos. I just wanted this thing to have happened and no one knew why. It's the premise of the story, and hopefully people will buy into it.

I recently studied for my exams on 19th century English literature and came cross John Keat's Negative Capability theory which basically states that some things should be left unexplained. To me, explaining everything is the death of the imagination.

Suffice to say, I did not mean to hint towards either a biological agent nor alien abductions, but of course people can draw their own conclusions.

An interesting concept but Keat's is more concerned with ideas that cannot or perhaps should not be explained, metaphysical ideas and such.

Muteness is a mundane physical fact and can be easily thought of as having a reason. It's presence in the script openly invites speculation about it's nature. If you do not explain it then the physical characteristics and causes of muteness are the physical characteristics and causes of muteness in your script.

If you have a voice over (irony) saying that there was no biological reason for it, then that invites us to ignore it. The point is if it isn't addressed then the only reason it is there is because people's vocal chords have been destroyed by a virus.

I think the idea of muteness is a wonderful one, as an allegory of how humanity has stopped communicating with each other I could see a re-worked version of this script being perfect. I think it would have to show how the muteness has lead to the breakdown of society itself however.

As it stands the muteness seems to be a by-product of some war that is occurring. You are left with the sense that something has happened and you want to know what it is. Rather than taking away the emphasis on cause and effect you seem to be pointing to it IMO.

Quoted from Scar Tissue Films An interesting concept but Keat's is more concerned with ideas that cannot or perhaps should not be explained, metaphysical ideas and such. Muteness is a mundane physical fact and can be easily thought of as having a reason. It's presence in the script openly invites speculation about it's nature. I think the idea of muteness is a wonderful one, as an allegory of how humanity has stopped communicating with each other I could see a re-worked version of this script being perfect. I think it would have to show how the muteness has lead to the breakdown of society itself however. As it stands the muteness seems to be a by-product of some war that is occurring. You are left with the sense that something has happened and you want to know what it is. Rather than taking away the emphasis on cause and effect you seem to be pointing to it IMO.

You make good points.

However, in Ode on a Grecian urne Keats uses the notion of Negative Capability in the way describes the 'mundane' ornaments on the urn, so I don't think the concept necessarily can't be applied in other sciences.

I don't know if you've seen any of the two films I namedropped, but in Last Night, it's the last day on earth. Everybody knows it is, and they known for months. but we never get an explanation for why. In kaïro people end up disappearing into nothing, leaving only a shadows imprinted behind them.

I never questioned why - the science of why. I just went with it. To me, it's kinda how I'm not interested in the science of King Kong, or how zombies got here.

People are different, some people will want to know why, but I'm not that interested in cause so much as I am in effect.

I introduced the concept of the vanishings because the I wanted a quiet earth. I'm not sure I know how to show the break of society. I'm not sure I want to. I don't want mass-panic, I don't want car-crashes or planes going down.

But it's something I'm gonna have to work with eventually. Figure out how I wanna tell the story.

"Beauty is truth, truth beauty that is all
Ye know on earth and all ye need to know".

John Keats is one of the only artists who truly deserves the moniker "genius" IMO.

I think it is wonderful that you are being inspired by truly great artists. It's the reason you write so well. Too many people are inspired only by what they see so their work merely becomes a cheap and lesser imitation of what was already crap to begin with.

The thing is though Ode on a Grecian dealt with a series of paradoxes, the transience of human life vs immortality, life vs art etc.

Paradoxes by their very nature invite us to think,  to go beyond linear thinking.

It is similar to the mysticism in the Tao Te Ching etc.

The figures on the urn are unexplainable, they leave few clues to their origin. It is a work of art that never existed and is just a general recollection of Keats' look at Greek Art.

There is a difference between unexplainable and unexplained. Your script explicitly states that some external force has created this situation and in the absence of  YOUR explanation we are left with what I said before, the logic of reality.

If you want it unexplainable make it happen only once and let us see what happens ie Your star wakes up, can't speak and everyone has disappeared. Everyone that is left can't speak either. The TV would show that the same thing has happened all over the world. That way there is no benefit to anyone and no possible explanation. It becomes unexplainable and not just unexplained.

Then you can get across whatever theme you are going for, the importance of communication or whatever. You can experiment with paradoxes, make them deaf as well and you could have a silent film, exploring the paradox between peace and chaos. Etc etc.

Anyway, sorry to go on.

You're a great writer and there is the potential for this to be something ground-breaking.

Further to what I just said.

I just re-read the script. It came across to me as though people were disappearing at different times. It was because one of the notices said 10 P.M. Was it supposed to be that they had all disappeared at the same time or was it an ongoing process?

Also it seems to be the military behind it, the U.S military at that judging by the access to the gun shop.

That is interesting. If you replace the crazies with the military the script becomes about the Government trying to silence the people.

Very interesting.

Quoted from Scar Tissue Films "Beauty is truth, truth beauty that is all Ye know on earth and all ye need to know". John Keats is one of the only artists who truly deserves the moniker "genius" IMO. I think it is wonderful that you are being inspired by truly great artists. It's the reason you write so well. Too many people are inspired only by what they see so their work merely becomes a cheap and lesser imitation of what was already crap to begin with. The thing is though Ode on a Grecian dealt with a series of paradoxes, the transience of human life vs immortality, life vs art etc. Paradoxes by their very nature invite us to think,  to go beyond linear thinking. It is similar to the mysticism in the Tao Te Ching etc. The figures on the urn are unexplainable, they leave few clues to their origin. It is a work of art that never existed and is just a general recollection of Keats' look at Greek Art. There is a difference between unexplainable and unexplained. Your script explicitly states that some external force has created this situation and in the absence of  YOUR explanation we are left with what I said before, the logic of reality. If you want it unexplainable make it happen only once and let us see what happens ie Your star wakes up, can't speak and everyone has disappeared. Everyone that is left can't speak either. The TV would show that the same thing has happened all over the world. That way there is no benefit to anyone and no possible explanation. It becomes unexplainable and not just unexplained. Then you can get across whatever theme you are going for, the importance of communication or whatever. You can experiment with paradoxes, make them deaf as well and you could have a silent film, exploring the paradox between peace and chaos. Etc etc. Anyway, sorry to go on. You're a great writer and there is the potential for this to be something ground-breaking.

My knowledge of Keats is sadly only peripheral, pertaining to what my syllabus required me to read, but I am somewhat inspired my early romanticism, both Keats and Wordsworth.

But Ode on a Grecian and Ode to a Nightingale are my favorites.

I think the imitation phase is something all writers go through. One of my favorite movies of all time is Leon The Professional, and the first script outline I ever did was about a hitman and a young girl who run away together. I think you need to get your plagiarism out of your system before you can find your own stories.

It was never my intention to make seem as if a single tangible external force created either the muteness nor the vanishings, I didn't want to concern myself with that at all. If I have, then that's something I need to rectify. Where do you feel I hint or state that something brought this about?

I wanted to convey the unexplainable aspect in different ways. there's a log entry in the notepad Ellie finds where the question is specifically asked without an answer. but perhaps I could do more.

In the feature, I intent to introduce deaf-mutes who know sign language and thus have an edge. but I'm not sure how to angle it yet.

But thanks for the kind words, and for all your insights and suggestions. It's an interesting discussion.

Quoted from Scar Tissue Films Further to what I just said. I just re-read the script. It came across to me as though people were disappearing at different times. It was because one of the notices said 10 P.M. Was it supposed to be that they had all disappeared at the same time or was it an ongoing process? Also it seems to be the military behind it, the U.S military at that judging by the access to the gun shop. That is interesting. If you replace the crazies with the military the script becomes about the Government trying to silence the people. Very interesting.

Ah but then I would be venturing into political allegory. That's dangerous territory!

I never had any aspirations to be political, especially not in this day and age where everything seems to be. If I see one more film/TV-show claiming to be an allegory of the war in Iraq, I'm gonna scream.

And actually the story takes place in Canada, but you'd have to live in Toronto to know. I refer to a Toronto subway station and the area code on the piece of paper is Toronto.

But that was more of a goof and not something people were meant to pick up on.

I think the military angle is interesting, even making the crazies the last remnants of their platoon and the went 'crazy', but I'm afraid this would be too close to 28 Days later.

Quoted Text It was never my intention to make seem as if a single tangible external force created either the muteness nor the vanishings, I didn't want to concern myself with that at all. If I have, then that's something I need to rectify. Where do you feel I hint or state that something brought this about?

Well it is clear in your universe that people used to speak because of the answer phone. It is also clear that people have disappeared; we have the notes.

It is implicit in the text that something must have caused this, as it is clear the world has completely changed. That alone suggests that there is a particular cause and that they are related, if they aren't why mention it?

Toronto, OK. Whereabouts are you from anyway?

Beat you to it.

Quoted from Scar Tissue Films Well it is clear in your universe that people used to speak because of the answer phone. It is also clear that people have disappeared; we have the notes. It is implicit in the text that something must have caused this, as it is clear the world has completely changed. That alone suggests that there is a particular cause and that they are related, if they aren't why mention it? Toronto, OK. Whereabouts are you from anyway?

Well, suggesting that something has happened doesn't suggest there's cause. Not in a conventional sense anyway. The frogs in Magnolia, for instance.

Naturally, scientifically speaking something MUST'VE caused muteness but that's not an important aspect of the story. The scientific explanation is trvial and boring, IMO. It's plain. Why did it happen? Because People stopped communicating. Why did the flood happen? I like to think of the muteness as a mysterious element. An almost magical thing.

The point is, I didn't want to go into specifics about cause becase I don't think that's where the story is. I feel any explanation would cheapen the concept and make it common.

I'm from Denmark, but at the time of writing I was planning on studying a semester in Toronto. I still am.

This is a wonderful story, but I have to admit, I think reading an entire feature like this would be maddening.  Your decision to keep this at a moderate length was a sound one.  (Get it? Sound? Ahahaha....)

Some of the territory is a little familiar here, though.  Briefly scanning the comments I see that “28 Days Later” has already come up.  I got that from it, too.  But you also keep your story fresh with the unique device you have selected by which to tell it.

The juxtaposition of silence and sound, particularly the musical rape, would make for some brilliant scenes.  The banging of metal and the shattering of glass would be so powerful in an otherwise silent world. If this gets filmed, for God’s sake make sure they have a competent sound guy, because that will make or break this little piece of yours.  

Some comments:

Technical nits first.  Lose the (continued)s. Those are merely clutter on the page eating up your valuable white space.  And Fade Out/Fade In transitions would be the director’s call as opposed to yours.  The first one did not really bug me, actually – it even felt appropriate -- but I did get bugged when they kept on occurring.

The opening scene mentions the food aisles are perfectly preserved, but the next paragraph makes things sound like a chaotic mess.  I do not understand.

As to word choices:  You cannot avert your eyes “to” something, as Nicholas does on page two.  Averting your eyes means to look away.  And you use this again, the same way, on page 16. And something cannot “careen slowly.”  That’s on page 4.

So what happened to the monster in the box?  What the hell was that?  What an odd detail to introduce and then abandon.  I think Nicholas or Ellie should kill it, whatever it is. Either way, that would make their subsequent introductory dynamics even more interesting than they already are, you think?

How come the dog can growl and yelp, while people are rendered mute?  A small point, admittedly, but somebody might wonder.

Typo on page 11.  “…locks on A message…”  I only point it out because you have so few, which is refreshing.  And on page 22, write “Her spit, acid.”  Note the comma.  But after that you should lose “Such fury has never been seen.”  That line is cheesy, and it reads more fluid without it, actually.

Instead of having him carry this phone number around as a crumpled piece of paper, that he likely would have lost anyway during all the carnage, why not give him a crude, homemade tattoo with the number?  Like that dude from Memento.  Then she can copy the number down.

Like I said -- I dig the story, but I do not like the mysteries it leaves dangling behind, unanswered.

I thought we would get an answer for this mute epidemic. In fact, the story almost demands that payoff to justify the world you have created.  Much like “The Pool”, you are leaving a few critical dots unconnected.  At least for my tastes.  

I mean, even the title is a direct reference to this strange and silent malady.  Without an explanation, it comes off as merely a device -- trickery -- as opposed to something actually driving the story forward.

And an author can only play the “open for interpretation” card so often before they start to piss people off  

But it’s still a really nice piece of work.  You’ve cracked my top 20 with this one, I think.  The written words scattered throughout the city were cryptic and hopeful and frightening all at once, and I loved those bits.

I think this one could improve with a little more background, provided you are willing to give it.  And you might not be.  And honestly, it may just be me.  Good luck with it, though.  It certainly has potential.

Hey Death Monkey,

I really like this story. It had that Memento quality to it (probably cause of the poloarid camera) mixed in with the Hills Have Eyes. Everything flowed well; it was like a script novel. Bert has pretty much took what I had to say as most of the things that bothered me in the story. The most important is why is everyone mute. Alot of pressure is on that point. Hope you tackle it well. Can't wait for the feautre if you are planning to do one? Excellent work.

Gabe

Quoted from bert This is a wonderful story, but I have to admit, I think reading an entire feature like this would be maddening.  Your decision to keep this at a moderate length was a sound one.  (Get it? Sound? Ahahaha....) Some of the territory is a little familiar here, though.  Briefly scanning the comments I see that “28 Days Later” has already come up.  I got that from it, too.  But you also keep your story fresh with the unique device you have selected by which to tell it. The juxtaposition of silence and sound, particularly the musical rape, would make for some brilliant scenes.  The banging of metal and the shattering of glass would be so powerful in an otherwise silent world. If this gets filmed, for God’s sake make sure they have a competent sound guy, because that will make or break this little piece of yours.

Hi Bert, thanks for reading.

Yeah it's hard to get past the 28 days later comparison. Honestly though, I think that's the treatment any post-apocalyptic script is gonna get these days. but I don't mind it, I loved 28 days later.

I'm just gonna respond paragraph by paragraph.

Quoted Text Technical nits first.  Lose the (continued)s. Those are merely clutter on the page eating up your valuable white space.  And Fade Out/Fade In transitions would be the director’s call as opposed to yours.  The first one did not really bug me, actually – it even felt appropriate -- but I did get bugged when they kept on occurring.

I have more than one fade out/fade in? I didn't realize. I'm gonna take a look at that. As for the CONTINUEDs, they were part of the format template I was using at the time.

Quoted Text The opening scene mentions the food aisles are perfectly preserved, but the next paragraph makes things sound like a chaotic mess.  I do not understand.

I think I mention the food aisles are perfectly preserved, and then cut down to the back aisles where they are not. They are meant to be two different locations within the super market.

Quoted Text As to word choices:  You cannot avert your eyes “to” something, as Nicholas does on page two.  Averting your eyes means to look away.  And you use this again, the same way, on page 16. And something cannot “careen slowly.”  That’s on page 4.

Thanks a lot. These will be fixed.

Quoted Text So what happened to the monster in the box?  What the hell was that?  What an odd detail to introduce and then abandon.  I think Nicholas or Ellie should kill it, whatever it is. Either way, that would make their subsequent introductory dynamics even more interesting than they already are, you think?

Well, the monster is supposed to be Ellie. I knew I was kinda cryptic about it but I think it's in there. It was meant to go so fast that you can't tell what it is. It's like in Aliens when Newt scurries across the floor and the marine open fire thinking it's an Alien. In the script we wouldn't be introduced to Newt here, because that would lose the tension of the marines pursuing it as a threat.

A creature JUMPS out from beneath the layers of meat, clawing blindly with its tiny human hands as it tries to get out of the box.

The box falls over and the thing slides quickly, on all fours, through the plastic draping under a shelf in the corner. Panting incessantly.

Nicholas breathes in composure. He begins a slow and wary trek to the creature’s hide-out.

He then pulls the plastic covers aside in one swift motion and raises the crowbar, ready to strike.

A teenage girl quails, knees-to-chest against the wall. ELLIE, 17.

Quoted Text How come the dog can growl and yelp, while people are rendered mute?  A small point, admittedly, but somebody might wonder.

Only human beings are affected, which I think further suggests that this is not a viral thing or epidemic.

Quoted Text Typo on page 11.  “…locks on A message…”  I only point it out because you have so few, which is refreshing.  And on page 22, write “Her spit, acid.”  Note the comma.  But after that you should lose “Such fury has never been seen.”  That line is cheesy, and it reads more fluid without it, actually.

Duely noted. I'll get right on that.

Quoted Text Instead of having him carry this phone number around as a crumpled piece of paper, that he likely would have lost anyway during all the carnage, why not give him a crude, homemade tattoo with the number?  Like that dude from Memento.  Then she can copy the number down.

Hmmm...you have a point. But at the same time I wanted it to be something that could be GIVEN to Ellie, you know, a physichal token changing hands from one soul to another. But it is an interesting thought, and I guess I could have Ellie look to the number on her arm in the end when dialing.

Quoted Text Like I said -- I dig the story, but I do not like the mysteries it leaves dangling behind, unanswered. I thought we would get an answer for this mute epidemic. In fact, the story almost demands that payoff to justify the world you have created.  Much like “The Pool”, you are leaving a few critical dots unconnected.  At least for my tastes.   I mean, even the title is a direct reference to this strange and silent malady.  Without an explanation, it comes off as merely a device -- trickery -- as opposed to something actually driving the story forward. And an author can only play the “open for interpretation” card so often before they start to piss people off

Haha yeah, sorry about that. I know some people don't like having things left unanswered and most of the time I agree, but I specifically wrote this as a sort of allegory, where the cataclysmic event (the muteness) wasn't supposed to be questioned. Like zombies in Romero's Dawn of the Dead. We're given no scientific explanation as to why, but the allegorical notion of the film is that people turned into zombies because they had become mindless consumers.

But I know this a great divider. I do think this has more left unanswered than The Pool. There is an answer in The Pool, it's just kinda cryptic, but here I don't address why in other than allegorical terms (Ellie retreating to watching the silent TV screens, and the crazies doing the same).

Quoted Text But it’s still a really nice piece of work.  You’ve cracked my top 20 with this one, I think.  The written words scattered throughout the city were cryptic and hopeful and frightening all at once, and I loved those bits. I think this one could improve with a little more background, provided you are willing to give it.  And you might not be.  And honestly, it may just be me.  Good luck with it, though.  It certainly has potential.

Whoa, thanks, Bert. I'm working on outlining a feature, but I'm not really getting anywhere. I wanted to use the short as a sort of first act, which I think would be cool, because it would defy convention to have a central character die at the end of act 1 and I think it would give the reader a sense of danger; anything can happen. But like you said, an entire script like this is both difficult to read and write. Also to be fair, what I have right now probably corresponds to 40 pages with dialogue, and thus 40 minutes.

I will be submitting it to some contests, and will be making some last minute changes now. So thanks a lot.