Every Knee Shall Bow - Sniper

- I like Helen's "I think it involves--(dramatic)--a boy" line. Got a chuckle out of that.
- Yeah, go Sean...
- I've had phone conversations before that also included "filter" but somebody told me it wasn't necessary (can't remember who) so I don't think yours is either. Haha I don't know. Go ahead and use it if you want.
- Ah! An old bald woman! Aw that's terrible, haha!
- Now I wish Helen was my mom. She seems like a cool one.
- I wouldn't eat in that restaurant...
- Unless it was jokingly, or that they really do hate each other, I don't think cousins act like that, especially around their parents.
- Page 41: You mean Earl, not Brad, right?
- Aw man! Why did you have to kill Helen! And in an intense way, too!
- These townspeople really remind me of zombies.
- Hm..I don't think I'd be sleeping if I had cannibalistic, nasty-ass people chasing after me...Just saying...
- So is Lucas beating Earl  up with a cooking needle through his lips? Or did he take it out?


So this was like The Hills Have Eyes except with a lot more deformed people. It was intense, though, I was hoping only Brad would have gotten killed, 'cause I didn't like him too much. The deaths were far-fetched but they were cool, also. Lots of torture in both of these scripts. This was a good one also and I liked it. Sort of had a zombie/Hills Have Eyes/Resident Evil 4 feel to it.

Sean

Hey Sean,

Thank for the read and the pointers.

Quoted from Zombie Sean - I like Helen's "I think it involves--(dramatic)--a boy" line. Got a chuckle out of that.

Haha, glad you liked it. I did it just to show the old thing about dads and their daugthers and that no boy is good enough for their daughter.

Quoted from Zombie Sean - I've had phone conversations before that also included "filter" but somebody told me it wasn't necessary (can't remember who) so I don't think yours is either. Haha I don't know. Go ahead and use it if you want.

Yeah, I think you're right about that. I sorta goes without saying that a voice through a phone would be filtered.

Quoted from Zombie Sean - Ah! An old bald woman! Aw that's terrible, haha!

You don't see too many of them  

Quoted from Zombie Sean - Unless it was jokingly, or that they really do hate each other, I don't think cousins act like that, especially around their parents.

I was kinda gunning for a variation of sibling rivalry, just to create some tension between the two.

Quoted from Zombie Sean - Aw man! Why did you have to kill Helen! And in an intense way, too!

I just felt the first kill should be really grotesque - and I think it was  

Quoted from Zombie Sean - Hm..I don't think I'd be sleeping if I had cannibalistic, nasty-ass people chasing after me...Just saying...

Probably not, but after an intense ordeal when the adrenalin rush is over, the body do tend to tire somewhat. So I don't think it's all that unrealistic.

Quoted from Zombie Sean - So is Lucas beating Earl  up with a cooking needle through his lips? Or did he take it out?

No, he takes it out after he beats up Earl (and to me it feels like the right order to do it cos' I don't think Earl would have waited around for an ass wooping while Lucas pulled out the needle - but that's just me  

Quoted from Zombie Sean So this was like The Hills Have Eyes except with a lot more deformed people. It was intense, though, I was hoping only Brad would have gotten killed, 'cause I didn't like him too much. The deaths were far-fetched but they were cool, also. Lots of torture in both of these scripts. This was a good one also and I liked it. Sort of had a zombie/Hills Have Eyes/Resident Evil 4 feel to it

Thanks, Sean, I'm glad you liked it. I'm currently writing a feature which I think will be right up your alley.

I wanna return the favour here, so which of your scripts would you like me to review?

Cheers
Rob

Thanks for the read Sean. I'm glad you enjoyed it despite it's many faults. While I was writing this I had such great hopes and everything worked about the script in my head. I guess that's the way it always is though, huh?  I plan on my next script being a bit more logical. Again, thanks for the read.

~Zack~

(Note:  I know I only owe Sniper a read, but I figured I may as well do both of them because the first one was short enough.  And Sniper, sorry it took me so long, but I've been pretty busy lately.)

Evil

I had a lot of problems with this script, and I gotta be honest with you, it was hard to find anything to like about it.  My first instinct would be to call it "torture porn", and maybe it is, but people say "torture porn" as if it's a bad thing.  I think, if done properly, "torture porn" can be very effective in making someone scared/tense; imagining the worst.  However, I don't believe this is the case here.  Why?  Well, let's start at the beginning.

I don't buy the whole "walking in and shooting someone immediately thing".  Believe it or not, most criminals don't like to make the jump from robber to murderer so easily.  However, it's the basis of your entire story, so I guess I can let it slide.

Brett shooting Lenny makes no sense.  None.  At all.  And even if I were to say it "makes sense", it's still not good for the story because it makes Brett ("the mysterious one" look really stupid.  How is this supposed to be a clean get-away?  Their entire back window looks like the scene from Pulp Fiction!   I agree, most robbers would try and get rid of the others to increase their cut, BUT, they would take them somewhere secluded.

The car accident doesn't work.  I mean, yeah, it could happen, but you've already taken so many liberties it doesn't matter.  Couldn't he just happen upon them?  I mean, their car's covered in blood!   He could stop, realize what's going on somehow, and then...I don't know, it's your script.

So, by now we come to the torture porn segment.  And that's really all it is.  The last pages are devoted to just being disgusting.  And to top it off, it's on MEGAN!  Do you really think the audience wants to see vengeance taken on her?!  I agree with every-single-person who said that Brett shouldn't have been killed so easily.  It just doesn't work.

So, in the end, you've got characters that have motivations all over the place and then 1/2 of the script is torture on a character who I don't even want to see tortured (if I had to see someone tortured).  The script isn't unsalvagable, but you really have some work to do.  

Every Knee Shall Bow

Let me start off by respectfully saying that I think you are one hell of a writer.  Your descriptions are great, and everything just flows so smoothly.  I mean, I almost threw up while reading one of your descriptions of the deaths in the film, so that's gotta tell ya something.

That being said, I wasn't a huge fan of the story.  I felt like you were treading familiar territory and I'd seen the whole "diner cooking its patrons" plotline before.  And the whole Old Man controlling a big thug who has the intelligence of a child. (Texas Chainsaw) If it was your intent to pay homage to those type of films then you did good work, but I really felt like it was all something I had seen before.

Your dialogue is really great too, but I'm not so sure I was sold on the way Earl talked. Sometimes I thought he sounded like he was a pirate, if that makes any sense.

I really don't have a whole lot else to say.  I wasn't really bothered by any character motivations or anything, but like I said, in the end, it was fairly predictable.  As an homage to horror films I would say this works in spades (even though it's not really my cup of tea), but as it's own original horror film I think it needs work.

Quoted from dresseme Evil I had a lot of problems with this script, and I gotta be honest with you, it was hard to find anything to like about it.  My first instinct would be to call it "torture porn", and maybe it is, but people say "torture porn" as if it's a bad thing.  I think, if done properly, "torture porn" can be very effective in making someone scared/tense; imagining the worst.  However, I don't believe this is the case here.  Why?  Well, let's start at the beginning. 1.) I don't buy the whole "walking in and shooting someone immediately thing".  Believe it or not, most criminals don't like to make the jump from robber to murderer so easily.  However, it's the basis of your entire story, so I guess I can let it slide. 2.) Brett shooting Lenny makes no sense.  None.  At all.  And even if I were to say it "makes sense", it's still not good for the story because it makes Brett ("the mysterious one" look really stupid.  How is this supposed to be a clean get-away?  Their entire back window looks like the scene from Pulp Fiction!   I agree, most robbers would try and get rid of the others to increase their cut, BUT, they would take them somewhere secluded. 3.) The car accident doesn't work.  I mean, yeah, it could happen, but you've already taken so many liberties it doesn't matter.  Couldn't he just happen upon them?  I mean, their car's covered in blood!   He could stop, realize what's going on somehow, and then...I don't know, it's your script. 4.) So, by now we come to the torture porn segment.  And that's really all it is.  The last pages are devoted to just being disgusting.  And to top it off, it's on MEGAN!  Do you really think the audience wants to see vengeance taken on her?!  I agree with every-single-person who said that Brett shouldn't have been killed so easily.  It just doesn't work. So, in the end, you've got characters that have motivations all over the place and then 1/2 of the script is torture on a character who I don't even want to see tortured (if I had to see someone tortured).  The script isn't unsalvagable, but you really have some work to do.

Hey Dressel, thank you for reading. I'm sorry you weren't able to enjoy it.

However, I have many answers to your complaints. I like to think I really thought this script out.(I've numbered your complaints to make answering them easier.)

1.) Notice how Brett forced Lenny to be the one who shoots someone? Brett didn't want to get his hands dirty. That was the first hint that Brett is going to be stting Lenny up.

2.) How doesn't it make sense? Brett wants more money. Brett was planning on leaving the car with Lenny's and (possibly Megan's) bodies in the car. After all, all the police know is that "TWO" people robbed the bank. However, he is never able to go through with his pln because of Bert.

3.) How couln't this happen? A car is stopped in the middle of a twisted narrow road surrounded by tall cornfeild. Bert is speed along the road(fueled with anger and sadness)and he roars around a bend and smashes into the parked car. How doesn't that work?

4.) Bert saw that Brett was already knocking on deaths door. He wanted Brett to die by his hands, so he shot him. As for why Megan recieved the torture... she was still very much alive and Bert was still very angry. How could Bert possible know that Meagen wasn't the leader and that Bert was. All Bert knew is that Megan was indeed apart of the bank robbery. That's all Bert needed. I understand that as a reader, Megan is the one bank robber that it is possible to care about. But that makes it all the more terrifying.

Again, I did appreciate your review and I am sorry you did not like it.

~Zack~

Quoted from dressel Every Knee Shall Bow Let me start off by respectfully saying that I think you are one hell of a writer.  Your descriptions are great, and everything just flows so smoothly.  I mean, I almost threw up while reading one of your descriptions of the deaths in the film, so that's gotta tell ya something. That being said, I wasn't a huge fan of the story.  I felt like you were treading familiar territory and I'd seen the whole "diner cooking its patrons" plotline before.  And the whole Old Man controlling a big thug who has the intelligence of a child. (Texas Chainsaw) If it was your intent to pay homage to those type of films then you did good work, but I really felt like it was all something I had seen before. Your dialogue is really great too, but I'm not so sure I was sold on the way Earl talked. Sometimes I thought he sounded like he was a pirate, if that makes any sense. I really don't have a whole lot else to say.  I wasn't really bothered by any character motivations or anything, but like I said, in the end, it was fairly predictable.  As an homage to horror films I would say this works in spades (even though it's not really my cup of tea), but as it's own original horror film I think it needs work.

Hey Dressel,

Thanks for the read and review. Yup, this is an homage to Texas (one of the best horror flicks imo), and, sure, there are similarities. This story could use a backstory to make it stand on its own (and I have one in the pipes).

You're not the first one to point out Earl's "dialect" and it could probably use a bit of tweeking.

I'm glad you liked the gore elements (sorry about almost making you throw up though).

Thanks for the read.


Cheers
Rob