All screenplays on the simplyscripts.com and simplyscripts.net domain are copyrighted to their respective authors. All rights reserved. This screenplaymay not be used or reproduced for any purpose including educational purposes without the expressed written permission of the author.
The opening SUPER is, imo, awkward. You should avoid repetition of words.
"The small, cluttered room sits quietly in the dark." This, too, is awkward. The room is dark. It isn't sitting in the dark.
The dialogue is, for the most part, well-written. The conversation between Burt and Mable, though, is too on-the-nose.
"...but the smile quickly fades away." Coupling the word fade with away is redundant. Further, the line, itself, isn't dramatic enough. It lacks punch...and this scene should POP!
As others have said, Lenny turns too quickly. This is, imo, a major problem, one that needs to be corrected.
As for Brett killing Lenny, I thought it kind of boring, kinda cliched.
I'm not sure how I feel about Burt's tow-truck smashing into Brett's car. It's a tad convenient. Still, it works.
I can't say I liked the end. It was long. Too long. And I question why Megan is tortured, but brett, by comparison, is let off easy -- a few bullets to the chest.
It's gratuitous and if I was at a theater, I'd walk out. Mind you, the story isn't bad, it just, imo, needs to be tweaked a bit.
I'll be reading and commenting on the second of the two shorts later this week.
Hey Seth, thanks for reading. I fired that this would be a bit to brutal for some readers.
It's not that the story is too brutal. It's that its brutality, with respect to Megan, comes off as senseless. Even though she is a participant in the bank robbery, her character isn't loathsome enough to warrant the type of abuse she endures -- Brett's is, yet he's allowed an easy death.
The reason Brett is killed so quickly is because he is already dying. Burt wanted to make sure that if he killed him.
This is, I think, irrelavant. Brett is clearly the leader, the most evil of the three. That said, he should take the brunt of the abuse. As a reader, I'd delight in seeing him get what's coming to him. That I don't leaves me with a cheated feeling.
You also have to realize that Burt wasn't there during the robbery. he has no idea who the leader is or who killed his wife. He simply takes all of his anger out on the bank robber who still seems to be alright.That's were I wanted to tug on the readers emotion. We are forced to watch as Burt takes out his anger on the criminal that had the least to do with Mables death. We as readers know that Brett should be the one taking the bulk of the torture, Burt has no way of knowing this. All Burt knows is that Brett is on the brink of death and that he wants to be the one to send Brett to hell. I think my script catches a sense of realism in the way that it isn't very fair.
Double Carnage, Twice the Carnage, Same Low Price....
Evil: 40 is the new 30, right? Burt acts like he's in his 60's. Liked the little conversation that haunts Burt later on in the script. The little angel statues was a nice detail. Lenny should not have been such a tool to Brett. He may have chickened out, letting Brett kill Mabel, as he is the main villain of the story.
Mable was certainly likable enough, which magnifys the wickedness of her being murdered.
Burt was too hard on Megan and should have saved the weed whacker for Brett, as he was more villanous than Megan. She should have just been shot and done with, unlike Brett who deserved the ear sandwich and everything else that Megan got. He got off way too easy.
Every Knee: Hate it when you pull off the road for a hamburger and it turns out to be run by the same folks who operate Motel Hell. Great hillbilly cannibal dialogue! Likes all thems tricky lil' phrases these folkeses be a'sayin...
Thought for sure Flatulent man was gonna be deliverin' up the Blue Flame; slightly disappointed.
Great Characters, nicely developed, both heroes and villains. Would like a bit more explanation why the townspeople were slaves to Earl, though...He was Master Chef, I assume?
Don't know if you can get strangled with your own intestines. Would seem the act of de-intestining would be fatal enough. No matter. Way beyond regular gross and diving headlong into wicked gross.
Great Job to both Zack and Robert; Enjoyed the carnage. And nice job on the poster, too!
Joe
Failure is only the opportunity to begin again more intelligently - Dove Chocolate Wrapper
I already gave you a Danish review of this one, but I thought it only fair to get one in this thread as well.
This one had me laughing one minute and heaving the next. Great over-the-top gross-out violence.
Strangely enough I also cared for the characters. Especially Danielle when she cries in her fathers arms in the classroom was actually quite touching.
On an unrelated note, I love the name Danielle. I use it a lot in scripts.
Like I said a few days ago, the only thing that really bothred me was the geographical location combined with those dialects. Everything else was exactly as it should be. I didn't need an explanation for why the townspeople were crazy mofos. I mean, we know this kind of story, we don't need the script to come up with an excuse like "nuclear tests" or "inbreeding" or whatever. They're maniacs, I got it.
And it felt good when they met their maker.
I'll get on reading Zack's contribution over the weekend.
Don't know if you can get strangled with your own intestines. Would seem the act of de-intestining would be fatal enough. No matter. Way beyond regular gross and diving headlong into wicked gross.
Great Characters, nicely developed, both heroes and villains. Would like a bit more explanation why the townspeople were slaves to Earl, though...He was Master Chef, I assume?
I certainly tried to build up the characters, give them a bit of personality (good guys and bad guys alike) and, yeah, I think they came out alright. Regarding the whole community, you're right, that could have been explained better.
Don't know if you can get strangled with your own intestines. Would seem the act of de-intestining would be fatal enough. No matter. Way beyond regular gross and diving headlong into wicked gross.
Obviously, Sean would have died from the disembowelment regardless, but I just wanted to spice it up a little by having him strangled with his own intestines - that's supergross.
Quoted from blakkwolfe
Great Job to both Zack and Robert; Enjoyed the carnage. And nice job on the poster, too!
Glad you enjoyed it.
Cheers Rob
Down in the hole / Jesus tries to crack a smile / Beneath another shovel load
This one had me laughing one minute and heaving the next. Great over-the-top gross-out violence.
Yeah, this was me basically thinking up really sick degenerated kills. I was a bit apprehensive about at first but once you've made that first kill - the rest comes real easy
Strangely enough I also cared for the characters. Especially Danielle when she cries in her fathers arms in the classroom was actually quite touching.
Thanks for that. I was a bit worried about how that scene would come across. Writing a grieving character is not easy IMO, it quickly turns into nothing but tears but I'm glad it touched you. I wasn't sure about the whole classroom scene because it sort of slows everything down for a while. You've just been through about 10 pages with pretty much non stop action/gore so I was worried it would ruin the pacing.
Like I said a few days ago, the only thing that really bothred me was the geographical location combined with those dialects. Everything else was exactly as it should be.
You're right, the geograhy and dialect doesn't add up - unless they had migrated from the south at one point - a fact that I'm not ruling out if it'll get me off the hook
Hey sniper. I figured I'd read your script first since you've already read mine...
Every Knee Shall Bow
- Your slugs lack time of day.
- Brad should ask Danielle to put away her Black Berry, not give it to him. She's 17. What is a Black Berry anyway? Sorry. I don't really follow this new iPhone-esque technology nonsense.
pg. 38 - "Blow me." I'd replace this with a "fuck you" or some other derivitive. These kinds of obscenitites directed at family members always come off as awkward and even a little creepy. In this case, it makes the character less sympathetic.
- I'd like a response from Earl after Lucas completes his Proverbs. It'd definitely add something to the scene.
pg. 42 - "What is this place?" Silly line. It's obviously a kitchen. I'd lose this.
- Sean turns into a "hero" pretty quick. There's no development or anything. If anything, he'd be as freaked out as everyone else (to start anyway). I'd work on this. You could start with Earl being a little more agressive. That'd be more likely to receive such a response from Sean.
- What's a chef's gun?
- Perhaps Hank is dispatched a little too easily. Just a thought.
- These newspapers are a little unneccesary. They don't really offer any explanation or backstory for the cannibals. Besides, it makes no sense for them to be in here in the first place. If the whole town is cannibals, why would they write newspapers about the murders they themselves committed? It's silly.
- This conversation between Sean and Lucas about the divorce should take place before any of this cannibal business. It'd develop the characters beforehand and make the reader more emotionally invested in what happens later on.
- I think I'd lose the "I love you" from Brad. The locking of the eyes is enough. It gets the moment across. The mouthing of words is a little much, if not unrealistic. I don't think Brad could even mouth the words properly with his face in tatters as it is. Also, I doubt he'd even be able to find the words considering the stress (understatement, I know) of being eaten alive. His mind would be a mess. That's not to say Danielle's image wouldn't elicit an emotional response but still...
pg. 69 - Lose the "freight train" bit in your action paragraph. A Suburban's not a freight train. Simple as that.
This was pretty standard for the horror genre but I have to admit it was fun to read. It's a gory script and I noticed a certain glee in the gore. I imagine you had a fun time writing this. That's a good thing. The gore was quite over the top but very fun. The tone wasn't overly serious, which made it much more enjoyable. My favorite part was when the family was eating the burgers. I actually think the hair and fingernail were more gross than if you had a finger or something in the meat. You're more likely to find a fingernail in your McDonald's hamburger than anything else. I think that idea definitely makes the scene more cringeworthy.
Sorry to say that your characters were pretty flat. The dialogue was generally good but there wasn't much to these guys. You have this one moment between Sean and Lucas. I think that's about it. I would suggest developing the family a little more. Maybe you can get away with flat characters a little easier with something like this but still, it wouldn't hurt. I don't think it'd take much either. The divorce bit was good. Anything along those lines would be satisfactory.
Anyway, an enjoyable read overall with some nice gore. The story certainly matches the title "Double Carnage." Good job.
Depends on whether you expect a DAY/NIGHT in each slug line - my first slug does say DAY and the way I see it, it'll remain DAY until I tell you otherwise - which I do on page 58. I guess it's a matter of taste, but it's like using CONTINUOUS in the slug which I feel is not necessary.
- Brad should ask Danielle to put away her Black Berry, not give it to him. She's 17. What is a Black Berry anyway? Sorry. I don't really follow this new iPhone-esque technology nonsense.
Actually, in a previous draft, Brad said "Can I have MY BlackBerry now?" but I removed that as it were part of a longer conversation they were having but it wasn't really going the way I wanted it too. Obviously, that should have been made clearer.
pg. 38 - "Blow me." I'd replace this with a "fuck you" or some other derivitive. These kinds of obscenitites directed at family members always come off as awkward and even a little creepy. In this case, it makes the character less sympathetic.
Yeah, but "Blow me" is a nicer version of "Fuck you" and I didn't want to turn this into a profanity-fest like most other horror scripts.
- Sean turns into a "hero" pretty quick. There's no development or anything. If anything, he'd be as freaked out as everyone else (to start anyway). I'd work on this. You could start with Earl being a little more agressive. That'd be more likely to receive such a response from Sean.
This was done to show the difference between the brothers. Where Brad's a comfortable fella in a huge SUV that listens to low soft music, Sean's the a more compulsive hard rock listening type of guy. And I don't think he goes 'Hero', he simply just reacts in a way that's in accordance with his nature.
- These newspapers are a little unnecessary. They don't really offer any explanation or backstory for the cannibals. Besides, it makes no sense for them to be in here in the first place. If the whole town is cannibals, why would they write newspapers about the murders they themselves committed? It's silly.
Obviously, they wouldn't have written the articles themselves. It is - as stated - a small community, consisting of about two dozen buildings. The newspapers would have been picked up in the nearest town.
- This conversation between Sean and Lucas about the divorce should take place before any of this cannibal business. It'd develop the characters beforehand and make the reader more emotionally invested in what happens later on.
This was a pacing issue to me. It was placed there due to the fact that it was part of a low paced scene overall. Had I placed it earlier it would either have interrupted the flow of the action or prolonged the first act unnecessarily IMO.
- I think I'd lose the "I love you" from Brad. The locking of the eyes is enough. It gets the moment across. The mouthing of words is a little much, if not unrealistic. I don't think Brad could even mouth the words properly with his face in tatters as it is. Also, I doubt he'd even be able to find the words considering the stress (understatement, I know) of being eaten alive. His mind would be a mess. That's not to say Danielle's image wouldn't elicit an emotional response but still...
Sorry to say that your characters were pretty flat. The dialogue was generally good but there wasn't much to these guys. You have this one moment between Sean and Lucas. I think that's about it. I would suggest developing the family a little more. Maybe you can get away with flat characters a little easier with something like this but still, it wouldn't hurt. I don't think it'd take much either. The divorce bit was good. Anything along those lines would be satisfactory.
I guess it's all comes down to taste. I thought I gave the characters just enough to make them interesting. I wasn't going for major character development here, just a little bit, because I don't feel it is called for in these types of horror stories.
Hey, Rob. Sorry for the time its taken to get round to reading and reviewing this.(especially after you read my script so quickly!)Anyway, i'll just dive right in.
This was one hell of an enjoyable gory read. I love gore and this had plenty of it. I applaud you for the gore!
I was surprised at how fast this read. It moves along at a very quick pace and flows really well.
Though when I was reading this, I couldn't help but feel I was reading a feature with the middle missing. There's the set up and then the fight to survive. If you extend this I believe this could really stand well as a feature. It would also help build up the characters a lot more. Even though I was rooting for them to survive, I just didnt know why! Give us something to get behind them for. Maybe Sean was secretly meeting his ex-wife again and was trying to get back together with her, so he, she and Lucas could be a family again. I'm not saying you should do this, but little things like this help to get behind the character. It makes us wonder if they'll survive and have a chance at proper family life again.(Or maybe I'm just talking nonsense!what the hell do i know?! I'm still a novice lol)
I like your hillbillys/cannibals. Loved their dialogue. All the dialogue infact.(I took notes haha) The only line in this script i dislike is - "Would you man up" even though i knew what this meant, it just felt a little awkward to me. even though there's nothing like stating the obvious, i think you could use another word instead of man. maybe "Would you toughen up" or somethng else!
Anyway, just some food for thought! Really liked this. Bloody, gory and just plain enjoyable to read! Good luck with this!
I was surprised at how fast this read. It moves along at a very quick pace and flows really well.
That's good to hear cos' I was really worried about how it would play out pacing-wise. The story does takes a little time before anything really happens but I'm pleased you felt it came out alright.
Though when I was reading this, I couldn't help but feel I was reading a feature with the middle missing. There's the set up and then the fight to survive. If you extend this I believe this could really stand well as a feature.
This was never intended to be a feature but I must admit that since doing this short, I have been thinking about turning it into a feature and I think it could work. I've got an idea about a prequel I would like to explore first though.
It would also help build up the characters a lot more. Even though I was rooting for them to survive, I just didnt know why! Give us something to get behind them for. Maybe Sean was secretly meeting his ex-wife again and was trying to get back together with her, so he, she and Lucas could be a family again. I'm not saying you should do this, but little things like this help to get behind the character. It makes us wonder if they'll survive and have a chance at proper family life again.(Or maybe I'm just talking nonsense!what the hell do i know?! I'm still a novice lol)
You're absolutely right. If this thing got turned into a feature that would obviously be a need for a lot more character background and development, cos' as it stands now they're pretty much just reacting to the things that are happening to them. Good point.
I like your hillbillys/cannibals. Loved their dialogue. All the dialogue infact.(I took notes haha) The only line in this script i dislike is - "Would you man up" even though i knew what this meant, it just felt a little awkward to me. even though there's nothing like stating the obvious, i think you could use another word instead of man. maybe "Would you toughen up" or somethng else!
I guess there's a lot of ways to phrase that line and still get the point across. It's a matter of taste and I thought - at least at the time that I wrote it - that it sounded alright.
Okay I've just finished the first part of Double Carnage. Little story called evil that is quite a nasty piece of work.
I was really impressed with at the beginning how you had Brett bully the weaker Lenny into shoot someone dead as soon as they arrive in bank. This revealed show much about his character and made him out to be a total bad arse.
Plus it was a unique idea cause most bank robbers in movie never shoot in cold blood because of fear of that little thing called prison. This made me think Brett was either super confident or just monstrously stupid.
Second half of this script I did not like as much as it quickly fell into Hostel, Wolf Creek Territory that we have all seen many times before.
Having the killers become victims was sort of a waste of time cause I felt no sympathy towards them and so I wasn't horrified by the killing. Though getting ones face chewed off by weed whacker would be visually crazy to see on screen.
The first half was interesting but once Burt got the two robbers in his dungeon the script went into "meh" territory and I just didn't care any more.
Now I will have to check out the second part of Double Carnage
I just finished reading Every Knee Shall Bow. This is the second script I've read here that involved a diner that served up human flesh to customers. I think james wrote it but I could be wrong and it was a long time ago when I read it.
The characters, the concept, the violence I found very ordinary wihich is a shame really cause your plotting and writing style is amazing. You have great skill with knowing when to start a scene and when to cut out at the right moment to leave me hanging for more.
While the killings, the inbreed killer monsters and fleeing victims has all be done before, one thing that did really stand out and impress me was the lynch mob. You kept me reading wanting to find out more. And then the mob all kneel before Freak daddy as if he is a preecher or some leader. What's going on? I was intrigued and astounded. I wanted to know more.
You used this idea to great effect and kept stringing me along with it. Why are they filled with killing lust? Why are they all skinny and half starved? Why are they obeying Earl?
Best of all you gave nothing away and I am guessing all my questions will be answers in the sequal.
All in all you are a great writer and your stories deserve to more then just retreading over a tired stale old concept.
Pages: 
Author
Double Carnage
Logged
My scripts:
Locked Board