I liked this one.

Unlike some of the others here, I see redneck/hillbilly type people like this every day and not just one of them either. They're everywhere around here seems like so he wasn't too yee-haw to be believable for me.

Story wise, I agree that all child molestors should die the most horrific way as possible. I liked the idea of the good righteous people planning and enjoying to be equally as bad as Ronnie. What does that tell you about them (the party goers)?

I thought it was a nice short. Well written and entertaining to read

I too thought this was a good short.  In only 6 pages you managed to lead us down one path and then divert us down a different one at the end.  I loved the fact that Ronnie was delt with, or was gonna be delt with brutally.  It's a nice idea that his lawyer gets him off so he can be handed over to the victims father.

Hey Joe Waddaya Know .  I'm hopped up on a bunch of meds at the moment, so if I'm a little incoherent I apologize(probably wouldn't even be able to tell the difference   ).  I thought that this was a pretty wicked idea you have here having a lawyer get a guy off just so that they can have their way with them later.  I think it starts off a little too quickly, maybe give us a better idea of Ronnie and what he is, at only six pages you could add another three or four.  I liked his reaction when they got to Mitchell's house, must have crapped himself...hahaha, that would be a funny touch, have Ronnie soil himself at the sight of Riley.  Anyways this was well written, I think you could add a little more at the beginning, but other than that little quibble this was a good read.

Well... that was cool! I liked it alot. I didn't think Ronnie was to over the top. I'm glad you didn't show Ronnie being tortured. That would've been to much, I think. The way it is perfect. You leave Ronnie fate to the readers imagination.

~Zack~

Joe, thanks for the read.

My comments are really twofold.  If you were to keep it the current genre, which my guess would be horror - certainly from Ronnie's POV - I would look to expand the short (maybe a 15-pager).  Show the audience just how dastardly a person Ronnie is, introduce them to Simon early on (briefly), and then have Ronnie's... barbecue.  Otherwise, IMHO, I would consider twisting it into more of a dark comedy.  No easy feat.  Unless all of Ashley's friends were invited for supper, and they brought their own... utensils.

Have fun!

Tony

Hi Joe,

I think this is a very good idea for a short.  

I have to admit that though that I got kind of side-tracked with all the different names being mentioned in this short. I had to go back and read who was who.

When you showed Riley hanging inside, I was like who is this?

Even the dialogue with the lawyer and Ronnie... I had to go back and read who was who.

Could be just me, but maybe you should change Mitchell's name to a more lawyerly name. Mr. so and so... to suit his character...

I think the Ronnie character could be played out a little meaner, too... a vile puke of useless life.

I didn't understand why a lawyer would go out of his way to get him off the hook just to torture him instead of putting him behind bars where he could rot and get tortured at the same time by other inmates... ???

Well, that is, unless Ronnie confesses to him right after the trial or right before the verdict came in. Then the lawyer could make a couple phone calls to set this up...

My two cents,

Cindy

Quoted from CindyLKeller I have to admit that though that I got kind of side-tracked with all the different names being mentioned in this short. Cindy

I had the same problem to a certin extent. No biggie though.

~Zack~

rednecks  can have money(smile) and believe me come south and i means way south ronnie maybe a bit too polished to be called a redneck..and i do think you have more there lots more but let it simmer  awhile the lawyer

the lawyer may have done it for free notice he did quote bible so a revenge can be a motive heck the story could be about the lawyer not the 'neck

drama? in 6 pages he did very well with the script

Hey Blackwolf, as soon as I started reading this I thought, wow this lawer is a real swell guy. To good to be true.

As soon as Ronnie pulled up at house with lawyer you could see Poor Ronnie was going to be baited.


You kind of lost me at the end when the script plunged into Saw territory.  Something original would have really worked here, something novel. Like- Oh I don't know -they bound Ronnie, toss him onto a catapult and fire him at the horizon . Gross out violence is becoming so common here at SS that's it's becoming old hat and boring.

But other then that it is well written and an enjoyable read. The first page put a smile on my face.  

  

Hey Joe, I don’t think I read anything from you so I decided to take a look at this one.

*SPOILERS*

There are some interesting elements in here: A party that turns into massacre. An attorney that feeds his client to the wolves. Good stuff, really. Interesting read.

I must say you made quite a “risky” story choice since, usually, the screenwriter must try to make the audience feel empathy for the protagonist and you picked a child molester as such.

The bastard gets what he deserves at the end and that’s a suitable ending considering the story that was presented.

That’s giving the audience what they want, which is good.

But if you choose a protagonist that the audience can root for (instead of having one to root against) then their emotional connection with your protagonist will be stronger and they will feel much more invested in your story.

That’s making the audience want what you give, which is better.

That’s why I can’t help but wonder if this exact same story could work a bit better if told from another character’s POV (lawyer, one of the victims, etc.). A huge change, I know. But trust me, if a rewrite doesn’t feel as pulling your own teeth out, it’s usually worthless.

Take for example, the lawyer. This guy must have had very strong motives to betray nothing less than a client while becoming involved in criminal activities (killing and torturing a child molester is still illegal, unfortunately). What personal experience could have triggered this behavior? Must have been something as strong as having a close relative molested, at least. I wish you had expanded on his character a bit since his motives are pretty crucial in the story’s development and outcome.

And I wonder how the story would read if told from the lawyer’s POV. I think you could get the exact same story across, but told from the POV of a guy that the audience could relate a bit better.

This was an interesting short but I think the story has potential to be much better.

Just my two cents. Hope it helps.

Thank you to everyone who took time to read and comment on this demented, angry short.

Ronnie is a bit of a redneck, however I don't think he mentioned who his driver is...(Junior)
Being in rural Florida, you do see this type, although not to this extent.

Quoted from Mr.Z But if you choose a protagonist that the audience can root for (instead of having one to root against) then their emotional connection with your protagonist will be stronger and they will feel much more invested in your story. That’s making the audience want what you give, which is better. That’s why I can’t help but wonder if this exact same story could work a bit better if told from another character’s POV (lawyer, one of the victims, etc.). A huge change, I know. But trust me, if a rewrite doesn’t feel as pulling your own teeth out, it’s usually worthless. Take for example, the lawyer. This guy must have had very strong motives to betray nothing less than a client while becoming involved in criminal activities (killing and torturing a child molester is still illegal, unfortunately). What personal experience could have triggered this behavior? Must have been something as strong as having a close relative molested, at least. I wish you had expanded on his character a bit since his motives are pretty crucial in the story’s development and outcome. And I wonder how the story would read if told from the lawyer’s POV. I think you could get the exact same story across, but told from the POV of a guy that the audience could relate a bit better.

I agree, and I will do that. I had intended that Mitch was the protagonist here, but I see where that didn't come across (at least I think I do.)

More exposition of his character, before we even met Ronnie, may have better established him as a dark, vigilante type.

As it stands, Ronnie drives the story as events happen as a result of Ronnies character.

Mitch's desire for justice (sick, twisted and illegal as it may be) should be the main catalyst for the action.

Thanks again to everyone who read and commented. I greatly appreciate it.

Hey blakkwolfe,

Yeah, I guess this was alright. I liked that it was a fast read and that the molesters got theirs in the end but I think you overstated Ronnie a bit. You should tone him down a bit. Not that i know any childmolesters but i don't think that they're the most outgoing type of people - I could be wrong...just a gut feeling. And, because Ronnie is such an asshole, you (the reader) knows what's gonna happen to him.

It's a classic revenge tale with a nice gory twist - but not all that original.

Quoted from Guest of Honor The air stinks of burned flesh

You can't do that in a script. You have to find some way to show this instead.

Quoted from Guest of Honor [...]a brutalized figure is hung, [...]Ronnie is panicking, [...]Mitch is standing

I personally don't like those "is's". You should write more active. Example:

...a brutalized figure hangs
...Ronnie panics
...Mitch stands

Just a thought.

Anyways, a solid read.

Cheers
Rob

Quoted from sniper I personally don't like those "is's". You should write more active. Example: ...a brutalized figure hangs ...Ronnie panics ...Mitch stands

Thanks very much for the read, Rob...I'm trying to break out of the -ing habit.

Ronnie is a cartoon at this point and I plan to make him a lot more ominous in the re-write, which I hope to have finished shortly.

Again, thanks for your comments!

Joe

Hey Blakkwolfe,

Ienjoyed the story overall. I've been thinking about doing this type of story. It's still being thought up though. And I like these type of stories. I wrote a piece similar to this that still lurks about in this site. But I need to redraft it into a feature.  

But to the story at hand,  I agree with all about Ronnie's character. Too much.

I think you should also hint this betrayal around the beginning such as Mitchell glancing at the judge or something behind Ronnie's back.

I also think that handcuffing Ronnie's hands that quickly wouldn't work. Either tricking him into doing it with a female or knocking him out.  

Hope this helps,
Gabe

Quoted from Mr.Ripley I also think that handcuffing Ronnie's hands that quickly wouldn't work. Either tricking him into doing it with a female or knocking him out.

Thanks very much, Gabe...I'm workin on the re-write, and I will keep those suggestions in mind. Having a womanly incentive before the party helps with the whole "why should I go with you" problem.