Patrick,

First off; this is very well written and it’s nice to read a script, especially a 28 page one - that is not only written so well technically, but is also well proofed.

The story is really good. It holds interest and progresses well. The dialogue is good as well. You did a good job of writing slang without getting too carried away. Often with slang, it hinders the flow of the story - and usually isn’t even necessary in the first place. Here it fits and it’s metered well.

Some aspects of the story are predictable. Readers/viewers will almost certainly know where the train is bound - and will almost certainly know who the conductor is. But the beats and characters are compelling enough to drive the story and the story is compelling enough to sustain interest.

I do have a few problems with the Joey character. I realize a lot of people buy into the idea of hellfire and damnation and the fear of it is enough to make them begrudgingly good people, but for me personally; it isn’t enough to just scare someone into being good. For me, this story hinges on Joey’s genuine transformation. What I would like to see is a more conflicted Joey; one that might be more proactive in his change.

At the beginning for example when Pete points out that the stage driver wasn’t going for his gun and there was no reason for Wright to shoot him; I would like to see Joey step up and be not just inquisitive but genuinely conflicted.

Where was Joey’s anguish over Old Pete’s fate? Joey lost his father and Old Pete was teaching him the craft. Pete essentially took on a father role for Joey and Joey didn’t bat an eye at Old Pete’s demise. Shortly afterward, he responded to - and just blindly believed - Wright’s insinuations but it seems like he would have had an initial reaction to Old Pete’s murder and wouldn’t have been so quick to accept Wright’s suggestions.

During the gambling scene, Joey talks about his father and again there’s the implication his father was betrayed. Was Wright on that heist? If so, why does Joey never suspect Wright of betraying his father? I also think you missed an opportunity here to delve into Joey’s character a bit deeper. You could have added a dimension here.

You essentially treat Wright as though he were the main character - at least in terms of screen time - but Wright doesn’t go through any sort of transformation. He’s the guy who refuses to see the error of his ways. Joey is the one who is transformed and therefore the one who needs to be centered on, yet he isn’t really the center throughout most of the story. I think you need to develop the Joey character more.

Some technical things:

Can a stagecoach driver afford a gold watch? I’m asking. I don’t know. It seemed rather odd to me.

It didn’t make sense to me that Old Pete would turn his back on Wright. He indicated he didn’t trust him (I wouldn’t either). Pete even specifically stated it when he asked Wright to holster his gun before he turned his back. It seems like it would have occurred to an experienced stagecoach robber like Old Pete that Wright could simply pull the gun back out when he turned his back.

P 10 - Emmanuel asks Joey if he’s Big Bill Slade’s kid and Joey responds, “He was my pa.” That seems like a redundant response.

P 14 - “…you’ll come out all Wright.”- Is this a typo or is this supposed to signal what the Wright character meant? You may as well put “…all right.”

P 20 - Joey continues to stare - no need for the continues. In fact, you could cut that whole line.

P 21 - Wright declares the Mail Clerk is the devil and the Mail Clerk “shakes his head.” This is generally taken as an expression of “no.” Yet, apparently, he really is the devil. You need to clarify that.

I don’t know if you intended it but the use of the expression “Old Scratch” is relatively contemporary for the time period. It was a fairly new expression at the time from what I understand and I’m not sure how many Old West outlaws would have used the expression. But it sounded good.

P 25 - cyclopean third eye - you get a pop tart for this description -- haha.

I’m a little torn as to whether or not Hardin’s demise is okay or whether you sort of robbed the Joey character of effecting his own resolution there. On the one hand, Joey ‘s redemption doesn’t really hinge on Harden; but on the other hand, Joey is passive here and the bullet wound is a little like the old Hollywood staple of a supporting character shooting the baddie right before he can kill the hero. It doesn’t really hurt the story but you might look and see if you can devise a way for Joey to be more active in his own resolution.

Overall, it’s a very well written story and it’s a good script. The description was spiced up a little without being overdone, the dialogue was terrific, and you successfully set a western mood - as well as a supernatural one.

The biggest problem I saw was that the Joey character was so pivotal to the success of the overall story but wasn’t really treated as though he was that pivotal throughout the story. That’s something that can be developed though and once done, you’ll have a top notch script here.

Good work.


Breanne

Thanks to everyone for the reviews. JD, Hardin is one of my favorites, too, though as the co-author they are all kind of my favorites. It's certainly a standout role for somebody, though. Nik & Yohn, encouraged by all the feedback here, I am working Ghost Train up into a feature now, so we'll see how things turn out. Breanne, your notes are fantastic & reinforce several points that never felt quite 'right' to me, either, and are definitely things I'll be addressing in the feature version with more room to work. Joey will definitely come into sharper focus as the protagonist as we follow his journey from restless youth to would-be outlaw to manhood & taking responsibility for his actions. And I think Old Pete will be wounded in the stage robbery and die on the run from the posse; it can still be Wright's fault, but more indirectly - that plus the expanded setup will help better lay out why Joey sticks with him. Your other notes are very helpful as well. Thanks again!

Just a quick update. Ghost Train did not advance into the finals of the PAGE Int'l Screenwriting Awards contest, unfortunately, but as it's our first complete script I'm surprised & pleased to have made it as far as we did. We'll hear from three horror film festival contests over the course of the next week or so. I'm at work on a feature-length version, with about 10 pages of new material to go with the original 28, most of which I'll be able to use with some changes or, in a few cases, expansions. So any additional feedback is still very useful if you're interested in giving it a look.

Patrick Sweeney

That was a hell of a yarn.  Your format and structure was spot on.  What really impressed me was the dialogue.  That Old West lingo brought all the characters to life(so to speak).

You had a clear vision for the story and you followed it through to the end.  Although there were plenty of opportunites to get sidetracked, you kept the story steaming forward with one interesting character and plot twist after another.  

When I first saw the page count, I thought "How are they gonna milk thirty five pages out of this idea?"  But you made every page count.  It's all killer, no filler.

DEACON JIM
Well, brother, Hell evidently
believes in you.

Nice.

Thanks, Cam! Glad you enjoyed it.

I did not realize Don had updated the file - forgot to check back. The linked 34p file is a new draft based in part on the feedback in this thread. Thanks again to everyone for your suggestions, and I hope you find the new draft an improvement.