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Ghost Train by Patrick Sweeney and Chad Underkoffler - Short, Horror - A young outlaw on the run unwittingly boards a mysterious train of famous dead gunslingers bound for Hell, and must face up to his own misdeeds to escape before the end of the line. 34 pages - pdf, format
Thanks, Don. This is a fun horror-western shorty that my writing partner & I cooked up as our first complete screenplay. It's now in the semifinals for the PAGE Int'l Screenwriting Awards, so we're very happy about that. I hope you enjoy it, and welcome any feedback or comments - we're still very new at this & eager for input on how we can improve. Thanks!
I loved your story "Ghost Train". Very well developed. If there ever was such a train I don't think that events on it would be any different. Very good concept and execution.
I loved hearing them fellers speak in Cowboy.
I liked the way it explored the human dimension and played with many themes, justice, redemption etc. not just a mindless shooting-fest.
My only comment is at the end. I don't think the camera can film the words "he begins to walk home", (unfilmable).
Just say that he starts to walk in the oposite direction, towards a bright blue sky, the hellish horizon visible behind him. That's all.
Hi George, Thank you for your feedback! I'm glad you enjoyed Ghost Train. Good point on walking home, I'll make it walking toward the distant lights of town or something.
This is a quality script Patrick. Very well written and the story flowed really well. Enjoyed it all the way through.
It's basically the tale of a young man on the cross-roads of life, does he choose his father's path of crime or his own moral path. I like the metaphor of the train to show the choice he faces.
Old Pete is a bit of a throw-away character. I guess the reason he's there is to show the murder, but I think you could maybe leave him out. I think the character's action and dialogue can show the crimes he's commited. If you want to keep Old Pete, I'd maybe look at changing the start a little. Just felt too expositional.
I'm a massive poker fan and my game is No Limit hold'em. I know they're playing 5 card draw, and hold'em anyway is a really old game. What is new (at least as far as I know) is No Limit. I think if you made 'All in' feel a bit more...unusual? it would work better. Just this felt like it's set in the wild west days, so I don't think it should sound as casual. Not a biggy, as it's not that key to the story -- I'm struggling to come up with critique here, haha.
Staying on the poker, I liked how you had the 'Dead Man's Hand' story. Saw it coming but it fitted well. The saying of 'No one likes sitting in a dead man's chair' could be used too? Just how he takes the guys chair after he's shot.
Overall, it was really creepy. All the workers looking the same gave it a bit of a Shining feel, think they were well worked. The images you set up are clear and you're obviously a talented writer.
Thanks for the read and the feedback! I'm glad you enjoyed the story. I'll take another look at Old Pete and the exposition, maybe there's a way to make things more indirect in that scene.
This concept really started with the poker scene, then the rest of the story kind of flowed out from that. I'll look into the dead man's chair thing, that might be a good taunt for Hardin to use as he's goading Wright.
Right now it's in a bunch of contests, so I'm not really looking too hard to sell it as that will DQ it, but after September or October we'll be more open if someone wants to turn it into a film. I also have an idea for expanding it into a feature, with a stopover in a 'ghost town' for Act II, but it would take a lot of restructuring.
Have to agree with every one on this. It is very solid piece of writing with a nice flow. One of the rare scripts here that feels like a movie as you read.
The very first page was brillant. a perfect opening with fast action that pull you right into the story.
I like the Poker scene where you have a cowboy who aint gun shy who is the same as Wright. Or sort of Wright's role model.
And you reckon this is both your first attempt at writing a script. Wow! I just find that hard to believe that you could just wake up one morning and say "yeah I might write a script today" and write something so perfect as this. If you haven't written a script before you must have done some sort of writing be it fictional, journalism, technical or something.
This is a tough one to critique, so many things done well and so many great ideas. The lightning revealing skeletal figures and angel wings, the entire poker game, Joey giving up the watch, the entire feel of a western captured in a spiritual ghost story, definitely loved the idea of mean-spirited prayers to God being redirected to hell.
If you had to improve anything, I'd suggest examining Deacon Jim's character a bit more. The idea of a man of God killing people yet reading a bible on the train to hell... it sounds like he's accepted his fate (JOEY: Hardin says we’re on the train to Hell. That true? DEACON JIM: For John Wesley and most of the rest of us, I reckon so.) but his actions, reading the bible and defending the Lord's name, seem to suggest he's still looking for a way to repent.
I wasn't quite sure how they ended up on the roof at first, though looking back I see the "He climbs" and I probably just skipped over it.
Still a great script, not much to critique, and best of luck in your competition!
Wow! Thanks to everyone for your feedback. It's great that people are enjoying 'Ghost Train.' This really is our first finished screenplay, though I have 20 years of newspaper writing & editing experience, and Chad & I are both authors & publishers in the roleplaying game industry.
Deacon Jim is a paradoxical character, which is why I like him. If I expand 'Ghost Train' into a feature, his character definitely calls for a bigger part to better explore his conflicting natures. In real life - Deacon Jim, Hardin, and Clements are all historical figures - most historians assume his churchly ways were just a cover.
pg 4. I would like to see some sort of reaction from from joey when wright shoots pete
page 7 "plug baby jesus" LOL this is a really good line
Characters all well rounded. each sounded different and all their exposition was delivered nicely thru out.
This short i think has real merit to win in short contests. Had beginning middle and and end. I never questioned anything you through at me.
Description were good and format was spot on.
Joey, Wright and even big bill..to the devil- all great characters. Hardin was my favorite We knew Joey had his death eventually coming but was fun t see his really try to out do ghosts and be cocky as a bad guy.
With your grasp on western talk and mojo, I would love to read a full length west/thiller/horror
Good job on this! I would like to see this filmed.
This really interesting. I read it without stopping.
The characters are drawn pretty well, i like the characterization you made with them.
A Ghost Train, really cool idea, i mean there's Ghost Ship, Ghost House you name it, and it is... i think Ghost Bathroo... what an idea lol...
Anyway i really loved it, nothing much to say, my only "complain" would be to make it into a feature script, add some more to the characters expanding their story and it would be great.
A really good script here, I liked the story and particulary enjoyed the old west lingo, you really made the characters sound believeable and genuine. I have no constructive suggestions to give that havn't already been raised.
I wish you all the best with this in the competitions you've entered it in, and should you expand it into a feature, I'll definitly look forward to reading it.
First off; this is very well written and it’s nice to read a script, especially a 28 page one - that is not only written so well technically, but is also well proofed.
The story is really good. It holds interest and progresses well. The dialogue is good as well. You did a good job of writing slang without getting too carried away. Often with slang, it hinders the flow of the story - and usually isn’t even necessary in the first place. Here it fits and it’s metered well.
Some aspects of the story are predictable. Readers/viewers will almost certainly know where the train is bound - and will almost certainly know who the conductor is. But the beats and characters are compelling enough to drive the story and the story is compelling enough to sustain interest.
I do have a few problems with the Joey character. I realize a lot of people buy into the idea of hellfire and damnation and the fear of it is enough to make them begrudgingly good people, but for me personally; it isn’t enough to just scare someone into being good. For me, this story hinges on Joey’s genuine transformation. What I would like to see is a more conflicted Joey; one that might be more proactive in his change.
At the beginning for example when Pete points out that the stage driver wasn’t going for his gun and there was no reason for Wright to shoot him; I would like to see Joey step up and be not just inquisitive but genuinely conflicted.
Where was Joey’s anguish over Old Pete’s fate? Joey lost his father and Old Pete was teaching him the craft. Pete essentially took on a father role for Joey and Joey didn’t bat an eye at Old Pete’s demise. Shortly afterward, he responded to - and just blindly believed - Wright’s insinuations but it seems like he would have had an initial reaction to Old Pete’s murder and wouldn’t have been so quick to accept Wright’s suggestions.
During the gambling scene, Joey talks about his father and again there’s the implication his father was betrayed. Was Wright on that heist? If so, why does Joey never suspect Wright of betraying his father? I also think you missed an opportunity here to delve into Joey’s character a bit deeper. You could have added a dimension here.
You essentially treat Wright as though he were the main character - at least in terms of screen time - but Wright doesn’t go through any sort of transformation. He’s the guy who refuses to see the error of his ways. Joey is the one who is transformed and therefore the one who needs to be centered on, yet he isn’t really the center throughout most of the story. I think you need to develop the Joey character more.
Some technical things:
Can a stagecoach driver afford a gold watch? I’m asking. I don’t know. It seemed rather odd to me.
It didn’t make sense to me that Old Pete would turn his back on Wright. He indicated he didn’t trust him (I wouldn’t either). Pete even specifically stated it when he asked Wright to holster his gun before he turned his back. It seems like it would have occurred to an experienced stagecoach robber like Old Pete that Wright could simply pull the gun back out when he turned his back.
P 10 - Emmanuel asks Joey if he’s Big Bill Slade’s kid and Joey responds, “He was my pa.” That seems like a redundant response.
P 14 - “…you’ll come out all Wright.”- Is this a typo or is this supposed to signal what the Wright character meant? You may as well put “…all right.”
P 20 - Joey continues to stare - no need for the continues. In fact, you could cut that whole line.
P 21 - Wright declares the Mail Clerk is the devil and the Mail Clerk “shakes his head.” This is generally taken as an expression of “no.” Yet, apparently, he really is the devil. You need to clarify that.
I don’t know if you intended it but the use of the expression “Old Scratch” is relatively contemporary for the time period. It was a fairly new expression at the time from what I understand and I’m not sure how many Old West outlaws would have used the expression. But it sounded good.
P 25 - cyclopean third eye - you get a pop tart for this description -- haha.
I’m a little torn as to whether or not Hardin’s demise is okay or whether you sort of robbed the Joey character of effecting his own resolution there. On the one hand, Joey ‘s redemption doesn’t really hinge on Harden; but on the other hand, Joey is passive here and the bullet wound is a little like the old Hollywood staple of a supporting character shooting the baddie right before he can kill the hero. It doesn’t really hurt the story but you might look and see if you can devise a way for Joey to be more active in his own resolution.
Overall, it’s a very well written story and it’s a good script. The description was spiced up a little without being overdone, the dialogue was terrific, and you successfully set a western mood - as well as a supernatural one.
The biggest problem I saw was that the Joey character was so pivotal to the success of the overall story but wasn’t really treated as though he was that pivotal throughout the story. That’s something that can be developed though and once done, you’ll have a top notch script here.
Thanks to everyone for the reviews. JD, Hardin is one of my favorites, too, though as the co-author they are all kind of my favorites. It's certainly a standout role for somebody, though. Nik & Yohn, encouraged by all the feedback here, I am working Ghost Train up into a feature now, so we'll see how things turn out. Breanne, your notes are fantastic & reinforce several points that never felt quite 'right' to me, either, and are definitely things I'll be addressing in the feature version with more room to work. Joey will definitely come into sharper focus as the protagonist as we follow his journey from restless youth to would-be outlaw to manhood & taking responsibility for his actions. And I think Old Pete will be wounded in the stage robbery and die on the run from the posse; it can still be Wright's fault, but more indirectly - that plus the expanded setup will help better lay out why Joey sticks with him. Your other notes are very helpful as well. Thanks again!
Just a quick update. Ghost Train did not advance into the finals of the PAGE Int'l Screenwriting Awards contest, unfortunately, but as it's our first complete script I'm surprised & pleased to have made it as far as we did. We'll hear from three horror film festival contests over the course of the next week or so. I'm at work on a feature-length version, with about 10 pages of new material to go with the original 28, most of which I'll be able to use with some changes or, in a few cases, expansions. So any additional feedback is still very useful if you're interested in giving it a look.
That was a hell of a yarn. Your format and structure was spot on. What really impressed me was the dialogue. That Old West lingo brought all the characters to life(so to speak).
You had a clear vision for the story and you followed it through to the end. Although there were plenty of opportunites to get sidetracked, you kept the story steaming forward with one interesting character and plot twist after another.
When I first saw the page count, I thought "How are they gonna milk thirty five pages out of this idea?" But you made every page count. It's all killer, no filler.
DEACON JIM Well, brother, Hell evidently believes in you.
I did not realize Don had updated the file - forgot to check back. The linked 34p file is a new draft based in part on the feedback in this thread. Thanks again to everyone for your suggestions, and I hope you find the new draft an improvement.
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