Thanks, Chris.  I was happy with the way it turned out.

The whole time I was saying to myself, he probably kills himself, and that is the way you decided to end it. So no surprise for me, but knowing what I knew before it happened, you still managed to have me hold on to every word. That's great writing.

Thanks, that's a great compliment.

Hi Alffy,

I really liked this story. I am sorry, but I disagree with Breanne. I didn't think it was predictable at all. IMO, the VO was a great idea. It would be weird if he was talking to himself throughout the scenes. I saw that the script was produced. Congrats.

Hey Hodan

Thanks for checking this out and I'm glad you enjoyed it.  This was produced last year and I think it came out pretty well.

Hey alffy, congrats on getting it produced! A bit late for feedback, I know, ha, but I'd say you could have used a bit more of misdirection in the first pages. I knew he was either kill himself or someone because of the narration. Maybe you could make his voice over more ambiguous? Like him mentioning his "big day" and putting on a tie, so maybe we think he's going to a job interview or what have you, and then bam comes the twist. Just a suggestion though. Cheers.

Thanks for the read and suggestion mate.  I really can't see me doing anything with this now as the production came out pretty well...so I'm happy lol.

Alffy,

Most comments should find an ignominious death. Read with care.

For me, this was a predictable piece which was not that interesting. A loser jumps in front of a train thinking he will somehow achieve fame like some high school kid. It won't happen, which is not shown

I didn't find the voice over particularly effective, little more than what's on screen. Necessary?  You might find this one better told from back to front. He jumps. Why?  Or you might try telling the story from the view of the person researching the death.

Best
Richard

Cheers for the read Richard and I appreciate your input but I really have no desire to make any changes to this as it was written a few years ago and has already been produced.  I like the idea of playing it backwards though.

A good read - All in all a nice effort. I would have liked it if Jennifer was the one driving the train.

Alffy,

Liked it.  The preparation and lead up to the end wove Edward's story well, but the end left me feeling a little flat. I half expected a line about becoming famous enough to meet the Queen (hence the dress up) and he ends it all by stepping in front of her limousine in full view of news cameras. Just stepping in front of the subway... er, underground was somewhat hohum.

Ian

Cheers for the read guys.

Hopefully I'll have something new posted soon.