The Race by Anthony Hudson (alffy) - Short - Preperation is everything in the quest to win the greatest race. 4 pages - pdf, format

Alffy,

Did I just read an ejaculation?

Quoted from Sniper Did I just read an ejaculation?

Erm...yeah.

The idea just came to me, excuse the pun, and I thought it could be quite funny.

Didn't Woody Allen do this a long time ago?  No, wait, he did his step daughter!  No, wait, he did something like this in 'Everything You Need to KNow About Sex But Was Afraid to Ask.'

Your version is most subtle, though.  It was nicely told for what it was.


Phil

Quoted from dogglebe Your version is most subtle, though.

Plus Woddy's sperm was more neurotic.

Thanks Phil, actually I thought of this when the whole guess the OWC theme was going on.  I thought it might be a bit of fun.  I haven't seen much of woody, he's not my cup of tea.

Hey Alffy,

I didn't read the synopsis, and so just dived in.  Read the script and went, er what?  Kind of had a feeling this sounded like something but wasn't sure.  Then read everyone's comments and reread the script.  Couldn't stop laughing.  It is like Woody Allen's film.  I wouldn't mind doing my own version.

Great script.

Might I add, I kinda thought there was an Olympic feel to the script.  Kind of a triathlon competition with maps and trying to navigate.

It's funnier the second time now that I know what you were aiming for.

All the best.


Javier

Thanks for the Javier

I didn't want it to be too obvious as to what I was trying to achieve here.  The whole idea of sperm not really knowing where to go is funny in itself I think.  Everyone keeps quoting Woody Allen, guess I should check it out.

Glad you found it funny.

Funny short you got here Alffy. Took me a second read to realise what was going on haha been a long week, not normally as thick.

The repetition of 'The room shakes' worked well to build the tension.

Maybe have them swim in the second room though? Just they wear trunks and you call them swimmers but there's no swimming.

I've seen the Woody Allen film Phil mentioned, it's the same premise but done differently.

Good work.

The swimming but not really swimming was something thought about and wasn't really sure how to go about it.  I didn't really want them to swim but wanted them to be dressed as swimmers.  The whole repetition of the room shaking is of course to show the ever quickening...shall we say 'strokes or thrusts' before the invetable climax.  Anyway thanks for the read Ste, glad you found it enjoyable.

Alffy,
TS Fay canceled some of my appointments today so I thought I'd give something short a read.

It was short too. Kind of true to life kind of thing...

Anyway, like some have already mentioned, it reminded me of Woody Allen's film. Although amusing it isn't really a satisfying story. There is no one to identify with. It's just something strange going on that we want to figure out in the end. We do, but then it's sort of just ....okay.

My suggestion would be to give one of the sperms a little bit of a personality. Make him struggle a little to get to the egg. Maybe he has to fight some "evil" sperm or something. You need conflict here, otherwise it's just a commercial for some future fertilisation drug.  I can't spell... sorry.

I still enjoyed it, but you can make it much better.  

Thanks for the read and you might have given me an idea there...I'll send it to fertility organisation and see if they want to make a commercial out of it.  Only joking, yeah I could a personality to the main lead/sperm and extend his struggle to be the ONE.

I've only seen a few movies of woody allen so i can't make the camparison. But you sure have... well you have a sense of humor lol.

I was amused, and i liked it. Sure theres no story, which you already know, but it was fun. I say good job!

Thanks BryMo, yeah I know there's not much to this but I thought it was a funny concept so glad you did too.

Alffy,

Just had a thought...  why not make the protag sperm "different". Maybe he doesn't want to go at all. Maybe he fights it? Maybe he's scared or gay even?