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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Scripts  ›  Dance of the Dunce Moderators: bert
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  Author    Dance of the Dunce  (currently 1083 views)
Don
Posted: January 21st, 2009, 8:28pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Dance of the Dunce by Tim Delaney - Short, Comedy - Who makes the better clown...the clown who graduates at the top of his class?  Or, the class clown? 11 pages - pdf, format


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James R
Posted: January 22nd, 2009, 3:11pm Report to Moderator
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Supper time!

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Got down to Carl's last lines on page 2 and stopped. Very gross.


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Toby_E
Posted: January 22nd, 2009, 3:49pm Report to Moderator
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Okay, apart from the poor formatting (incorrect use of CUT TO's, and incorrect introduction of characters - Their names need to be in block capitals the first time we see them on screen), this script just wasn't funny.

The script could easily have started with Carl trying out for the Clown job... The first part of the script was pretty pointless, apart from showing Carl to be an un-funny, un-likeable protagonist. Plus, you refer to the first scene with Carl's dialogue; "Ummm...okay. I ah want to be a clown because my high school guidance counselor said I tested very high on being a clown." This piece of dialogue tells us all we need to know.

I got to page 5, and couldn't read on. It was boring, dragged on, and just wasn't funny. You've gone for the Judd Apatow, R rated dialogue... But it just didn't work here. It seemed un-realistic, and just didn't work.

You main problem was the length of the overall script, and the length of the scenes... Make the scenes shorter, and snappier. Make the dialogue crisper. There is too much dialogue on these pages.

Toby.


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directoboy12
Posted: January 22nd, 2009, 3:50pm Report to Moderator
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We all go a little mad sometimes. Haven't you?

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I finished this but I had many problems with it, mainly with the main character. He is just so unlikable in every single way, he is not funny, he is not smart, he is not nice.  I do not think throwing around a bunch of dirty words and phrases for no reason makes you a clown. The "one-liners" too were not funny they kind of seemed like they were restored out of Diablo Cody's recycling bin.  Maybe work on the Carl character, mainly his personality and this will be much better


Check out my Script:

Feature:
"Candy: Inspired by the Houston Mass Murders"
Horror, Drama - 15 year old drunkard Wayne Henley gets caught up in procuring his teenage friends for a serial killing psychopath. 117 pages
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usaking
Posted: July 2nd, 2009, 10:56pm Report to Moderator
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hi

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I really liked the first part of the script, even though the format was a tad bit wrong. The problem is that Carl seems to become more childlike as the script moves along. Also the use of the word "Dude" gets annoying after awhile. I didn't think the story was completely bad, but I wouldn't ever read it again.
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MikeCashman
Posted: July 1st, 2020, 3:17pm Report to Moderator
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This script could have been so much better.  First, it wasn't funny.  There was no "real" humor in the dialogue.  Through-out, I became more disturbed while reading this rather then enjoying it.  The main character was more upset with "life" in general.  Not meaning by living, but just by how others looked at him.  Maybe I'm ranting here, but you would think that instead of becoming more of a problem and flunking out of "Clown School", he would have made an actual attempt of becoming something instead of a failure.  Does that make sense?  That's how I am interpreting this script.  This guy was a failure in school, so what makes you think he would succeed elsewhere in life?

In my mind, this story could have gone in to several directions.  Instead of making this character a complete and utter failure, he could have shown everyone that he was a credit to something rather than being nothing.  Still, I did not find this humorous at all.  I didn't laugh and there was no real "comedy" within the script.  I will never tell another writer how to write their script.  I will say though, maybe make another attempt at this one.  Just a thought.
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Max Ruddock
Posted: July 1st, 2020, 3:37pm Report to Moderator
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Iíve got a feeling this guy isnít going to reply.


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eldave1
Posted: July 1st, 2020, 4:11pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Max Ruddock
Iíve got a feeling this guy isnít going to reply.


Safe bet.



My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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Yuvraj
Posted: July 2nd, 2020, 5:30am Report to Moderator
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The title is a bit awkward. In a sense, I wasn't able to relate the story with the title. Plus the story feels scattered. Not a fan of this.

Lol, this is almost 11 years old. Not way the writer gonna read this. Anyway....


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BarryJohn
Posted: July 2nd, 2020, 6:40am Report to Moderator
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Who am I? A man with a hundred stories..

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Tim.

...of all said above. Yes, the writing / format is bad.

I read between all that. And let me tell you; THAT WAS ONE OF THE BEST COMEDY / LAUGHS I've ever read.

You had me in stitches with laughter! You have a natural talent for story telling.

WELL DONE!  


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LC
Posted: July 2nd, 2020, 6:51am Report to Moderator
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The writer never responded to his feedback back in 2009 so guys... best to review current scripts, or at least those where you've a chance that your words won't fall on deaf ears.


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BarryJohn
Posted: July 2nd, 2020, 7:19am Report to Moderator
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Who am I? A man with a hundred stories..

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Hi LC

...the writer never responded. We did, as evident hereto. Maybe now he will? Lets give the guy a gap.  

TIM - Don't make me look bad here!


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BarryJohn
Posted: July 8th, 2020, 8:49am Report to Moderator
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Who am I? A man with a hundred stories..

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So ye... The writer never responds.

I notice with interest - His script title page states: REVISION - 268 ~ After 268 rewrites and the formatting is still so bad! A comedy indeed!


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