SimplyScripts Discussion Board
Blog Home - Produced Movie Script Library - TV Scripts - Unproduced Scripts - Contact - Site Map
ScriptSearch
Welcome, Guest.
It is March 29th, 2024, 1:31am
Please login or register.
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login
Please do read the guidelines that govern behavior on the discussion board. It will make for a much more pleasant experience for everyone. A word about SimplyScripts and Censorship


Produced Script Database (Updated!)
One Week Challenge - Who Wrote What and Writers' Choice.


Scripts studios are posting for award consideration

Short Script of the Day | Featured Script of the Month | Featured Short Scripts Available for Production
Submit Your Script

How do I get my film's link and banner here?
All screenplays on the simplyscripts.com and simplyscripts.net domain are copyrighted to their respective authors. All rights reserved. This screenplaymay not be used or reproduced for any purpose including educational purposes without the expressed written permission of the author.
Forum Login
Username: Create a new Account
Password:     Forgot Password

SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Scripts  ›  Dance of the Dunce Moderators: bert
Users Browsing Forum
No Members and 17 Guests

 Pages: 1
Recommend Print
  Author    Dance of the Dunce  (currently 1374 views)
Don
Posted: January 21st, 2009, 7:28pm Report to Moderator
Administrator
Administrator


So, what are you writing?

Location
Virginia
Posts
16381
Posts Per Day
1.94
Dance of the Dunce by Tim Delaney - Short, Comedy - Who makes the better clown...the clown who graduates at the top of his class?  Or, the class clown? 11 pages - pdf, format


Visit SimplyScripts.com for what is new on the site.

-------------
You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky
Logged Offline
Site Private Message
James R
Posted: January 22nd, 2009, 2:11pm Report to Moderator
New


Supper time!

Location
Arizona
Posts
219
Posts Per Day
0.04
Got down to Carl's last lines on page 2 and stopped. Very gross.


Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 1 - 12
Toby_E
Posted: January 22nd, 2009, 2:49pm Report to Moderator
Been Around



Location
London, UK
Posts
872
Posts Per Day
0.15
Okay, apart from the poor formatting (incorrect use of CUT TO's, and incorrect introduction of characters - Their names need to be in block capitals the first time we see them on screen), this script just wasn't funny.

The script could easily have started with Carl trying out for the Clown job... The first part of the script was pretty pointless, apart from showing Carl to be an un-funny, un-likeable protagonist. Plus, you refer to the first scene with Carl's dialogue; "Ummm...okay. I ah want to be a clown because my high school guidance counselor said I tested very high on being a clown." This piece of dialogue tells us all we need to know.

I got to page 5, and couldn't read on. It was boring, dragged on, and just wasn't funny. You've gone for the Judd Apatow, R rated dialogue... But it just didn't work here. It seemed un-realistic, and just didn't work.

You main problem was the length of the overall script, and the length of the scenes... Make the scenes shorter, and snappier. Make the dialogue crisper. There is too much dialogue on these pages.

Toby.


Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 2 - 12
directoboy12
Posted: January 22nd, 2009, 2:50pm Report to Moderator
New


We all go a little mad sometimes. Haven't you?

Location
Michigan
Posts
66
Posts Per Day
0.01
I finished this but I had many problems with it, mainly with the main character. He is just so unlikable in every single way, he is not funny, he is not smart, he is not nice.  I do not think throwing around a bunch of dirty words and phrases for no reason makes you a clown. The "one-liners" too were not funny they kind of seemed like they were restored out of Diablo Cody's recycling bin.  Maybe work on the Carl character, mainly his personality and this will be much better


Check out my Script:

Feature:
"Candy: Inspired by the Houston Mass Murders"
Horror, Drama - 15 year old drunkard Wayne Henley gets caught up in procuring his teenage friends for a serial killing psychopath. 117 pages
Logged Offline
Private Message AIM Reply: 3 - 12
usaking
Posted: July 2nd, 2009, 9:56pm Report to Moderator
New


hi

Location
USA
Posts
147
Posts Per Day
0.02
I really liked the first part of the script, even though the format was a tad bit wrong. The problem is that Carl seems to become more childlike as the script moves along. Also the use of the word "Dude" gets annoying after awhile. I didn't think the story was completely bad, but I wouldn't ever read it again.
Logged Offline
Private Message AIM Windows Live Messenger Reply: 4 - 12
MikeCashman
Posted: July 1st, 2020, 2:17pm Report to Moderator
January Project Group



Location
Boerne, Texas
Posts
72
Posts Per Day
0.04
This script could have been so much better.  First, it wasn't funny.  There was no "real" humor in the dialogue.  Through-out, I became more disturbed while reading this rather then enjoying it.  The main character was more upset with "life" in general.  Not meaning by living, but just by how others looked at him.  Maybe I'm ranting here, but you would think that instead of becoming more of a problem and flunking out of "Clown School", he would have made an actual attempt of becoming something instead of a failure.  Does that make sense?  That's how I am interpreting this script.  This guy was a failure in school, so what makes you think he would succeed elsewhere in life?

In my mind, this story could have gone in to several directions.  Instead of making this character a complete and utter failure, he could have shown everyone that he was a credit to something rather than being nothing.  Still, I did not find this humorous at all.  I didn't laugh and there was no real "comedy" within the script.  I will never tell another writer how to write their script.  I will say though, maybe make another attempt at this one.  Just a thought.
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 5 - 12
Pleb
Posted: July 1st, 2020, 2:37pm Report to Moderator
New


Location
UK
Posts
444
Posts Per Day
0.15
I’ve got a feeling this guy isn’t going to reply.


Logged
Private Message Reply: 6 - 12
eldave1
Posted: July 1st, 2020, 3:11pm Report to Moderator
January Project Group



Location
Southern California
Posts
6874
Posts Per Day
1.95

Quoted from Pleb
I’ve got a feeling this guy isn’t going to reply.


Safe bet.



My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 7 - 12
Yuvraj
Posted: July 2nd, 2020, 4:30am Report to Moderator
Been Around



Location
Why you wanna know?
Posts
779
Posts Per Day
0.50
The title is a bit awkward. In a sense, I wasn't able to relate the story with the title. Plus the story feels scattered. Not a fan of this.

Lol, this is almost 11 years old. Not way the writer gonna read this. Anyway....


Logged
Private Message Reply: 8 - 12
BarryJohn
Posted: July 2nd, 2020, 5:40am Report to Moderator
New


Who am I? A man with a hundred stories..

Location
South Africa
Posts
349
Posts Per Day
0.18
Tim.

...of all said above. Yes, the writing / format is bad.

I read between all that. And let me tell you; THAT WAS ONE OF THE BEST COMEDY / LAUGHS I've ever read.

You had me in stitches with laughter! You have a natural talent for story telling.

WELL DONE!  


Who am I? A man with a hundred stories... you want to read one?
Analyst, mentor, competition reader/judge, film critic, magazine article/blogger.  
https://simpsonliteraryagency.com/script-analyst
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 9 - 12
LC
Posted: July 2nd, 2020, 5:51am Report to Moderator
Administrator



Location
The Great Southern Land
Posts
7582
Posts Per Day
1.34
The writer never responded to his feedback back in 2009 so guys... best to review current scripts, or at least those where you've a chance that your words won't fall on deaf ears.


Logged
Private Message Reply: 10 - 12
BarryJohn
Posted: July 2nd, 2020, 6:19am Report to Moderator
New


Who am I? A man with a hundred stories..

Location
South Africa
Posts
349
Posts Per Day
0.18
Hi LC

...the writer never responded. We did, as evident hereto. Maybe now he will? Lets give the guy a gap.  

TIM - Don't make me look bad here!


Who am I? A man with a hundred stories... you want to read one?
Analyst, mentor, competition reader/judge, film critic, magazine article/blogger.  
https://simpsonliteraryagency.com/script-analyst
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 11 - 12
BarryJohn
Posted: July 8th, 2020, 7:49am Report to Moderator
New


Who am I? A man with a hundred stories..

Location
South Africa
Posts
349
Posts Per Day
0.18
So ye... The writer never responds.

I notice with interest - His script title page states: REVISION - 268 ~ After 268 rewrites and the formatting is still so bad! A comedy indeed!


Who am I? A man with a hundred stories... you want to read one?
Analyst, mentor, competition reader/judge, film critic, magazine article/blogger.  
https://simpsonliteraryagency.com/script-analyst
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 12 - 12
 Pages: 1
Recommend Print

Locked Board Board Index    Short Scripts  [ previous | next ] Switch to:
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login

Forum Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post polls
You may not post attachments
HTML is on
Blah Code is on
Smilies are on


Powered by E-Blah Platinum 9.71B © 2001-2006