Hmm, some people seem to have a problem with Stan going all kick ass on Mitch.  

Why I did that was to make Stan more cowardly and pathetic as he is beating up on someone who is over ffty.

I dont know if everyone else thinks the same, but what I think is this:  Stan seems too easily provoked -- especially in this situation -- and it just comes off as kinda cheesy.

Glenn,

I think this was a great read. Your writing was nice and crisp. No complaints there.

The story was sad and touching. Which brings me to the ending right away. I think it needs to be a more somber ending. Even though violent, it still came across as borderline comedic if you know what I mean.

I was wondering how come Mitch and Cindy gets the news so late that it's already in the papers?

I was a little confused as why Stan who's going to prison is still home. I think unless you're Bernie Madoff you get hauled to the big house right away.

I liked it and I do believe it could be made easily by someone.

Good Luck with it.  

Hey Glenn

There's something I love about your scripts. I think it's the just the bizarre, surreal humour you put into them. They are definately unique. I've still got to get around to reading your feature, if you wanna send me a link I'll give it a read when I can.

Anyway, onto Dartacus. Good strong build-up, showing that Mitch is Dartacus, the undefeated darts champion. I thought maybe some more physical description could have been put in there. Is he your stereotypical beer-bellied darts player or is he of the new breed that goes into training for each match? I think that affects him as a character.

The way the news is broken to Mitch and his reaction is the kind of humour I'm talking about. It's not laugh out loud funny but it's just ... I dunno, it makes me smile. I was reading all the dialogue in an Australian accent too by the way.

I thought the interview room was a weak scene. Some issues with it.

I love Mitch's attitude. Just the whole..."He's not a murderer". "Right".
I can just imagine him getting up out of his chair as he says the word and he's off.
Same with the note he leaves Cindy.

To keep with the theme I'd maybe have it pinned to the wall by a dart rather than have it a post-it note.

Stan's reaction was another problem I had with the script. He should stay pathetic and not be in a superior position to Mitch at any point, especially given how short this is. Make him beg for forgiveness. It just felt out of place that he fights with Mitch - our hero. How dare he even try!?

Gave me a laugh though mate. I liked it.

Ste

Thanks for the read. Yep I'm starting to get enough reviews now to see the errors of my ways.

Thanks again

hey, decent story
i havent read the other comments so i dont know if im repeating.  my biggest problem was the fact that it wasnt written to be funny, even darkly funny, except for the single point that hes using darts.  plus we don't even see any death except the last one, so its kinda a one joke story.
anyways it was well written, i just couldnt quite get the tone, or what mood you were trying to give.  ive enjoyed your other stuff, so it could just be personal taste

hey thanks for the read.

Yeah I've put this down to just another one of my scripts where I just fumbled and dropped it. That's the funny thing with pulling an idea out of your head and writing about it. sometimes you get a home run, other times you trip and stumble, land flat on your face and make a complete ass of yourself.

Another example of what I thought was a great idea that turned into a shit script was my short "Emo And The Squid". man did I get booed off the stage for that one.

So yeah thanks Jackx and if you have any scripts you want me to read to return the favour reply here or send me a PM.  

at least you got a good attitude about it.  im hoping to have something up shortly, but i made the mistake of going for a full length piece before i knew what i was doing, so we'll see.  hopefully ill be putting my ego on the line in the next month or so.

OMG! OMG! OMG! I'm so excited I am jumping up and down and giggling like a little girl.

I just watched the most piss weak, piss poor acting, piss shit useless short film on Youtube and it is based on MY short script. MY short script!

I couldn't be more happy and I wasn't even aware that my script was produced. I stumbled across it accidently while on the web.

So finally, at long last I have made it into the very exclusive "Produced script club" plus I got the bonus prize of having the most shittiest short film based on my script ever here on SS.

Follow the link below and check it out,  


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=v2TAoorWrkA

I am so happy I have to go now and cry tears of joy.

Congratulations??


It wasn't half as bad as you make out.  Well, ok, it wasn't 3/4 as bad...


But you should, probably gently because you're happy about it, remind the makers that it's good form to ask before using a screenplay.

Congrats on getting the script produced.  But, I cannot believe the guy didn't contact you for permission.  And, it's incredible he didn't at least contact you when the project was completed and put up on youtube.  Even scumbags who produce scripts without first asking permission usually have the decency to let you know they've "borrowed" your stuff.  Looks like an NYU film project.  That school must have some set rules on securing permission from writers.

But, as Cornetto mentioned, it wasn't all bad.  The scream the guy lets out after the eye dart is hilarious, though.  Gaaaah!

Hi Glenn, just gave this one a read. It's a straightforward story, maybe a bit too straightforward that it became predictable.

The story moves pretty quickly. A good first scene to setup that Mitch is extremely good at throwing darts. But somehow the way his respond to the news of his daughter's death rubbed me the wrong way, especially "You're shitting me?" line.

The rest of the scenes at Mitch's home are good. I liked the scene where Mitch sharpened the tip of the darts. It made us anticipate the eventual showdown between Mitch and Stan.

But it kinda fell flat when Mitch reached Stan's house. I don't know, but Stan's reaction to Mitch is kinda unreasonable. Why did Stan chase after Mitch when Mitch seemed to let it go? Especially for a computer geek like him, he doesn't sound like a guy with that much rage. And then Stan punched the father of the girl he just killed?

I know why you wanted Stan to do that, because then Mitch would have reasons to really throw darts at Stan. But this now seems the characters are feeding the plot, instead of the other way around. I hope you can find another way to get Mitch to do what he did at the end, considering the nature and motive of the characters as well.

Writing is good, it was a breeze to read. Sometimes you use passive verbiage though. "Everyone is gathered", "Dart is scraped", etc.

Herman

Oh btw, congrat on having a short produced. At least you got a credit of original screenplay at the end of the short.

Hi,

Just read it.

Dartacus is a fun name and suggests mockumentary (I think so) and all the drama on page 2 and forth was a surprise to me. The comedy element in the beginning and the very end didn't blend with the rest of it, I think.

Also, the end is not the one for me. What Stan says makes very good sense - who lets his 13 year old daughter wander around at night... - I do think that Dartacus has to blame himself. But that maybe just me.

Structurally it's good, I think - the opening dart scene payed off well. Overall it kept me engaged and is an easy read.

Congrats on getting your script made.

I've added it to the simplyscripts youtube channel.