Andrew,

I was just thinking the other day that I had a slot open in my mutual admiration society - been admiring myself lately and we all know how boring that gets...

Seriously though, thanks for the read and for the very kind comments.

I thought I had your short picked out from your reply here, then I checked the thread and I see that you've responded in it - so, hmmm...

Obviously I think highly of your writing as well and it will be cool to see which one is yours. Again, thanks, and if you have any other work up let me know and I'll be happy to give it a read.

AJR

Thought I'd give this a thorough read since i skimmed it the first time.

SPOILERS!! - always, it's good, read it yourselves.


pg. 1
TY
Man, this is bullshit. Why the old
man holding this meeting on New
Year’s Eve day? - Sounds off. New Year's Eve would be enough IMO.

I personally, would like to wait a hair to show that it's New years. Seemed a little "In your face" to start a script. I like wondering why it's such a pain for them working today. Then find out in a bit.

TY (CONT’D)
Well you just gonna miss all the
happenin’ then. Yo, bring her by
afterwards? It’s on third and
fourteenth.

I get that this guy is black, but white collar. I've got some black friends. It's funny, but I notice when they talk to me it's pretty straight. When they talk to their bro's proper english goes out the window. Racist? Am I Archie Bunker? Just a realist. That's my experience.

I'd reword this. Makes Ty sound like he's not above selling appliances for a living.

Character desriptions are vivid. Some people are fans of this, not me. Do you know who will be casted? I'd keep it simple lest something about them absolutley pertains to the story. MO.

I./E. WILL’S CAR - NIGHT - can you do that? serious question. Learn something new everyday. I think he should at least get out and open the door for her. First date an all.

The entire scene on the street could be cut IMO. We learn it's New year's later on. That's good enough IMO.

Jenny's dialogue is good. Especially the smoking in the restaurant.

Will already purses his lips earlier. Would like a diff description when Jenny does it. Repetition sounds amateur. I do it all the time.

akimbo - luv that word. very few know it's actually a word these days.

again, the names at the end of all the dialogue. To be honest, in a short, As an audience, do they really need to know them? makes it seem off IMO. We get that they're detectives. Be more pro to me if ya left out.

Best part so far is Jenny - she's delicious. You wrote her well.

pg. 18
WILL
So how come you’re not spending New
Year’s with friends or family?

This sets up that it's New Year's. again, you could cut some from the intro. Not to mention the detectives already did it for ya.

INT. ELIO’S RESTAURANT - NIGHT
WILL
I can’t believe I’m even
considering telling you this.

I always feel we need a little action in a new scene before dialogue. Other's have said the same.

Crowder looks down with a Cheshire Cat grin. - very nice.

Good character development with Will. Finding out he was fondled by his baby sitter, could be a reason he's an anti-socialite. Or a killer. Thought provoking...

Very good job explaining Jenny's mishap with her little bro. Almost could use a flashback there. Seems to be the "in" thing to hate em', but in a short like this I think it would work nicely.

pg. 17
WILL (CONT’D)
Maybe you wanted me to feel sorry
for you. Or to make me like you.

That kinda makes Will seem a bit of a twat. Pissed he got one-upped by a girl who shot her brother. Babysitter fondling doesn't even compare. Lord knows i would have liked mine to fondle me... She was smokin'

LOPEZ
Both victims were male. It could
fit. We can run gun permits on
addresses near the shoots.

That would be the first thing any police dept would do in a murder IMO. Not 3 years later.

Good job on this. Like I said, the best part was Jenny. An actress would lick her chops to play that part.

So some of the dialogue can be better and I think your opening scene can go. Other then that a very tight little short that leaves us wanting... And that's a good thing. Will the cops find Jenny first? Or is Will done for?

Good work

James

jwent,

Thanks for the expanded review - glad you like Jenny as I kinda did as well when I was writing her. I'm too smart to go near her though...

Pretty useful comments and I'll take everything on board. Out of everything I've done recently I think this piece could probably use a freshening up. Or I may expand this to a feature one day, if I can figure out how to sustain the mystery for 90-100 minutes.

Anthony

Hi Anthony, just gave this one a read. I haven't read the other reviews so this may be repetitive.

Overall I enjoyed this mystery. The alternating scenes between the cops and the couples flow pretty well. Each scene gave us a little more information than the previous one for us to discern who the real killer is. So you achieved good tension even for just two people talking in the restaurant!

Now, I'm confused about the opening two scenes. Are all the scenes flashback? Where does the first scene fit into the entire story?

I don't understand the purpose of the first scene either. Usually the first scene gave us a very exciting picture, and so the audience would be eager to learn what just happened before. But right now it's just a man shaving...no anticipation.

I was disappointed that Crowder and Lopez didn't play enough roles in the story. They gave us all the exposition, all those speculation, and all those suspicion.....but didn't do much about it! It really feels like what they are talking about is to feed the scenes in the restaurant, rather than being organic in the story.

I'm not too thrilled with the ending either. I don't understand the interaction between Jenny and the waiter. So did they know each other from before? Were both of them involved with the murders? I wish you can wrap this one up cleaner, rather than throwing another character into the mix.

Despite all these negativities, I like your writing, it's visual and crisp. Made it a breezy read. Plus I enjoyed the story.

Good job.

Herman

Herman,

Thanks for the very unexpected read!

The only flashback is Will and Ty, from earlier in the day. The scene with Will in the bathroom is him getting ready for the date.

As for the rest, I've had some really good suggestions from here and elsewhere, and I think that I can take them on board and at some point turn this into a feature. That will probably address everyone's concerns about it.

Thanks again and let me know if I can return the favor - Anthony

AJ,

Thanks for your comments on my post.
I saw your signature links and decided to give this a read.
Being an ex-smoker, I agree with the excessive smoking comments. =p
I like the overall flow and the dialogue didn't feel clunky at all.
The detectives broke up the taking headness of the piece pretty well.
I dug the beach sex exposition procedural stuff.
I can see those two reviewing folders while going at it.
Then the detective says, "Nevermind the connection. Forensics determined that the first shooter is left handed."
She reaches for a snub nose with her left and Will reaches for one with his right in the car. Heh.
What happens when two killers with the same M.O. clash?

Thanks for the read! I dug it!

ED,

Thanks for taking this one off the scrap heap, and I'm glad you dug it.

Yeah, this was an early effort from me and I tried a genre I wasn't comfortable in. Some people have told me they see a feature here, but I don't think I'm talented enough to do another 70+ pages without a co-writer. I may know a couple of NY actor/directors I can partner with on this.

Thanks again,

Anthony

Filmed - check out the trailer

Thanks, Don!

Well, it took a minute for this to get done.... grateful to director/producer Kris Smith for rescuing it from the scrap heap. He's a force of nature. Got a half-hour film made with very few resources.

And a shoutout to Andy Blithe at Aturn Films who is working on a streaming deal. It's available on YouTube for a limited time:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9ohpH1Q3DlY

I love the performances of the leads. Annabella Rich is a revelation as Dani.

The attached script is the latest collaboration between Kris and me. He also gets screenwriting credit for "Britishizing" it, as well as modernizing it and adding the ending.

Thanks again,

AJR

Good morning, all -

We have a couple of pretty good external reviews on this:

https://www.imdb.com/title/tt23767120/externalreviews/?ref_=ttrt_sa_4

Wondering if those who have experience getting shorts into festivals might share some secrets? Would appreciate any advice.

Thanks much,

AJR