Quoted from dogglebe By leaving it open, you don't offend anyone.

Correction.  You offend God.

Quoted from screenrider Correction.  You offend God.

By leaving it open, I offend God? Is his ego so fragile that his name must mentioned everywhere?

God is not a member of these boards.  If he is, he's a lurker who hasn't posted comments to anyone's scripts.



Phil

Quoted from dogglebe God is not a member of these boards.  If he is, he's a lurker who hasn't posted comments to anyone's scripts. Phil

       LMAO  

       That was a good one, Phil.

I think you both are great.....

But you remind me of reruns of HANNITY AND COLMES on FOX.

It's at a point for me, if I see both of you on the same thread I might as well assume the thread will be condensed to spiritual profiling.

Ooops, did I just say that?

Sorry Arazona.

Shawn.....><

I liked this one.  Something weird though about showing the little girl there in bed with Dad, and then at the end revealing that she's actually dead.  It may leave the audience wondering, "wait, so is the Dad hallucinating?  Clearly she's dead, but just a second ago she was sitting right there with him on the bed."  It seems kind of weird since for part of this he's looking her in the face and talking to her.

Is there maybe some other way to insinuate that the girl is there without actually showing her sitting there?  For such a short script I could maybe see it confusing some people.  ...or maybe I just need to read it a few more times...

Quoted from capel I liked this one.  Something weird though about showing the little girl there in bed with Dad, and then at the end revealing that she's actually dead.  It may leave the audience wondering, "wait, so is the Dad hallucinating?  Clearly she's dead, but just a second ago she was sitting right there with him on the bed."  It seems kind of weird since for part of this he's looking her in the face and talking to her. Is there maybe some other way to insinuate that the girl is there without actually showing her sitting there?  For such a short script I could maybe see it confusing some people.  ...or maybe I just need to read it a few more times...

Capel - you can decide for yourself what the father is s"seeing". Hallucination, perhaps? His imagination, more likely. Either way, the point is he thinks she's still real and sees her as real.

Thanks for reading and commenting.

Daddy wasn't hallucinating.  He was trying to spend some quality time with his little girl the only way he knew how.

Nice little story.  I take from the expressions on the parents' faces that they were more distressed than usual.  Maybe it was the little girl's birthday?  Just a guess.

Mmm. Nice story. well written. When the mother arrived I felt a lump in my throat. Your writing captured perfectly what a treasure Tara was and then you hit us hard with the knowledge that it has been taken away from the parents. That is powerful writing right there.

But what is even more interesting is the discussion about children.

Children innocent and fragile? yeah maybe on the Disney channel but in real life people seem to forget that children are just under developed adults who have no conscence, ethics,  responsibility, and no altruisim until it is taught to them by their parents. Children can be just as cruel as anyone else.

    

I froze up when I opened the screenplay and long blocks of description greeted me. I only say this because normally this much description would be unnecessary. This is not the case here.

The writing was beautiful. Towards the end, when I saw what was coming, I froze up again. I wondered how the writer was going to handle the loss. I continued, knowing that everything up to that point had been composed with a careful hand.

I was not disappointed.

This story was tragic, sad, and beautiful.
I simply loved it.

-Daniel

Graham - I have read some of your other work - I wouldn't make any alteration to this at all - I think that it is very well written, better for the fact that you may have to think about it a little - the ending is not too obscure.

I think that you get the atmosphere correct in the way that you write, and the dialogue is well pitched - all in all it's very well balanced, readable, intruiging and intelligently told - dumb down for on-one.

I agree, I think it's entirely clear what's happening from the get-go. Specifically mentioning the empty bed might make things more blatant, but I don't think it's necessary. As I recall, you describe the girl as "appearing" which is a good way of tipping us off right away that something's a tad askew.  A very nice, simple, and emotional moment out of people's lives.