ryan1,

Thanks very much for the read - this was my first attempt in the horror genre.

I'll definitely keep your notes in mind if I ever do a re-write. Oh, and yes, the phlebotimists were as well... (0:

Anthony

This reminds of EC Comics' Midnight Mess, in which a town of vampires discreetly feed off the living.

I can see why vampires would set up their own blood-donar sites, but I think the script would have had more meat if the rogue vampire really wanted to hunt someone down.  If he talked about sensing a person's fear and such, it would have been more compelling than just having a need to feed.

Nice touch with the baby.  For a minute there, I thought was going to be something along the lines of Rosemary's Baby.  I was a bit disappointed that it involved vapires though.  A demon seed would have been a more original angle.

Richcraft,

Thanks for the read, and that's a pretty good suggestion about Sheehan.

Anthony

Hey Anthony, just found this.

I liked it for what it is.  It's written well, and I don't get to say that very often in here.

For me, the problems started with Sheehan.  Things lost credibility for some reason.  I lost track of where they were.  Did this all go down in the RV?  Did Sheehan even enter the RV?  Did the priest enter it as well, and is this where he stabbed him?  (I could go back and check, but I'm feeling lazy).

Again, for what it is, it's good.  I agree it needs some more tension, some more uniqueness, and maybe more of a feeling that this is indeed a standalone script. As it sits now, it's lacking in these 3 areas, IMO, but overall, I'm not going to complain about it.

Good job!

Jeff,

Boy was I worried when I saw your name up top!

Thanks for the read and I'm glad you thought it was good. Obviously this is a stretch for me, to see if I can translate to other genres.

I'll have to re-read the part you mentioned - I thought I had them both enter the RV, but I'll check.

Thanks again and ... whew!

Anthony

Anthony, I checked it...I was feeling less lazy, I guess.

They are all in the RV, but for some reason, it still doesn't read very clear for me.  Not sure exactly why.

Anyone else get this feeling, or is just me?

Jeff, i actually did too when I first read it. Sheehan rolls in on his cycle. Then takes off his helmet INT. RV. Then Father Mccormick shows up in the doorway.

I think if Anthony spelled out that they entered the RV. or even lose the scene of Sheehan pulling up outside without anything happening. It would be an easier read.

After going back i got it though. But it did seem a clunky transition.

james

Cool...for once, I'm not all alone.

AJR, I do like this though and am really happy to see a well written script.

vampires running a fake blood donation set up. Tsk Tsk. someone hand those fangers a nice hot cup of True Blood.

Have to agree with Bert on this one, had a "been there done that" kind of vibe to it- but with one exception.

A baby vampire? What the fuck? whould that even work? It such a crazy idea that it needs exploring. If being trapped in a childs body was enough to piss off Kirsten Dunst vampire in Interview with a vampire, imagine what a vampire would be like trapped inside a baby's body? What would become of a few hundred year old baby? would it gain intelligence, independence, walk, crawl or just be a baby forever? How would it look after itself? how would it feed? Would it have super strength?

A fascinating idea and I reckon you should dump everything else, take the baby and run with it.  

Thanks for the read tonka - all I can say is that this was experimental for me to write in this genre so I'm not steeped in the lore, therefore any controversy or spark of an idea was created quite by accident...

And thanks again Jeff - I was going to ask what you did with the real Jeff because I didn't think there was any way you could possibly like this, but there you go.

I may revisit this at some point and do some real research. I've recently connected with a lot of people looking to film shorts and I have nothing to give them.

Anthony

Vampire babies have been done before.  I remember a cheesy 1970s horror movie with one.  And there was also It's Alive.

It's Alive had nothing to do with vampires.

Just going with the baby monster theme.

Hey Anthony, just read this one.

I like the main idea... the vampires' scheme to get food without killing. If it was done before, I haven't seen it, so this was new too me. Cool stuff.

Just one grip:

The script keeps raising questions in the reader's mind (which is good) and then gives a satisfactory answer at the end (which is good), but there isn't anything else. There seems to be only build-up to service the reveal.

By all means, keep this, but is there anything more you can add to enrich this scenario with new dramatic layers? The characters mention that something went wrong someplace else (where there was a similar scheme going on I think).

What if something went wrong in *this* school? Then your characters would be the ones who would have to contain the situation. This would add more direct conflict to the scenario and enrich the dynamics of the story. Just a thought.

Good job, though. Keep writing.

Hey Z,

Thanks for the read.

I did think about your suggestion while I was writing it, and in the end I wanted the tension to be between McCormick and Sheehan, without any gratuitous killings. I saw this as opposing viewpoints - one who wants a new world order, and one who wants to reign terror.

I see what you mean though about maybe rushing through this and not amping up the tension. And I may be able to give these characters a crisis without adding killings, come to think of it.

Thanks for the food for thought - Anthony