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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Scripts  ›  A Girl's Best Friend Moderators: bert
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  Author    A Girl's Best Friend  (currently 5981 views)
Don
Posted: December 27th, 2011, 6:16pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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A Girl's Best Friend by Bill Sarre (reef dreamer) - Short, Comedy - An arrogant playboy seeks to impress a young woman by walking her dog, only to discover that a dog is not always man's best friend. 5 pages - pdf, format


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Forgive
Posted: December 27th, 2011, 8:42pm Report to Moderator
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Found this quite funny - well worked around and nicely planned.

Only mistake I could spot was the wryly was incorrect positioned - apart from that - good stuff - felt very English, mind. (Nothing wrong in that, of course).
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Pale Yellow
Posted: December 27th, 2011, 9:21pm Report to Moderator
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This was really funny. Enjoyed reading it...it read fast and easy. I could only find one typo....

pg 2 "Anyway, forget all that, l'll come" the I is an l.

Great work.
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nawazm11
Posted: December 27th, 2011, 11:01pm Report to Moderator
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The script has golden humour. Mark kind of reminds me of Stiffler from American pie  . But this line "Morning fellow dog owners. Donít you just love them?" was bloody hilarious. I imagined Seann William Scott saying it.  

Overall, nicely written.
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irish eyes
Posted: December 27th, 2011, 11:25pm Report to Moderator
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Very funny and well written...poo jokes I feel like I was 5 again

Mark


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mmmarnie
Posted: December 28th, 2011, 1:00am Report to Moderator
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This was really funny.  I love how things go from bad to worse.  Holy mother...LOL.  Funny visuals...this would make an entertaining short.  Nice work.


ZERO tolerance for RUDE people.
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CoopBazinga
Posted: December 28th, 2011, 3:26am Report to Moderator
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Hey Bill,

I remember you asking about the logline for this just after i joined and i have to say that not only did you pull the logline off but also this short script. It's great man!

The writing flows, it reads so easy and like SiColl007 said, very English.

It reminds me of a Fast Show skit or even Harry Enfield from the 90's.

What little errors there were have already been pointed out.

One thing i would ask you about as i am unsure myself would be the V.O on the phone call, would it O.S instead?

I also used to drink at a pub called "The Goose" when i lived in Portsmouth a few years back so thanks for bringing back some happy memories.

Good work!

Happy new year.

Steve
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Ryan1
Posted: December 28th, 2011, 3:58am Report to Moderator
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Bill,

Some funny scenes in this.  I can really picture this assclown Mark in his white leather pants.

As another reviewer said, this is very English.  A couple times I wasn't sure exactly what I was reading.  First time I read  "dog barks in the open boot" I thought a small dog was actually sitting in a cowboy boot or something.  Didn't catch on you meant the trunk area for about a page or so.

I think you effectively draw Mark as this sleazy cheesebag who gets his smelly comeuppance.  Good setup to the "Stop Thief" line.

Overall some pretty gross scat humor that works because the guy really deserves it.
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Electric Dreamer
Posted: December 28th, 2011, 12:56pm Report to Moderator
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Hey Bill.

I recall reading something about the logline on another thread.
Always glad to lend an opinion to a contributing member.

I am a bit of an Anglophile, even though I reside in the colonies.

Mark is a total wanker and its great.
You establish a strong character in an easy to set up scenario.

The cell phone photo thing confused me when I should be sailing to your climax.
I thought the photo was going to show Mark hitting on dog park chicks.
Then on top of all the poop, he loses his chance with the sick girl.

Then she'd tell her friend that Thief has a bad gut.
And call Mark to run more errands for her, out of spite.
Then let the splattering of Mark's car commence.

For whatever reason, that's where my mind went.
But overall, I very much enjoyed the pages.

Cheers,
E.D.


LATEST NEWS

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is producing a short based on my new feature!

A list of my scripts can be found here.
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B.C.
Posted: December 28th, 2011, 3:22pm Report to Moderator
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I thought this was alright, although I thought the scat humour should have gone a bit further.

I wanted him to land face first in it...
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SteveUK
Posted: December 29th, 2011, 7:59am Report to Moderator
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Hey Bill, that was pretty funny and would definitely make an entertaining short. You created a great douchebag character in Mark, well done.
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James McClung
Posted: December 29th, 2011, 10:33am Report to Moderator
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This was okay.

Technically, it's well written. The descriptions are concise, the dialogue's decent, the plot is complete and cohesive and it flows at a more or less effective pace. I could picture Mark right away and he didn't come off as much as a throwaway stereotype as he could've been. I think he carried the story quite well.

At the end of the day though, it feels like a one trick pony. I thought the child's spade was a fun twist and the encounter with the old people was mildly entertaining. But break it down, it's three dog poop jokes in a row. The last one was in the car, which is ghastly and definitely a blow to Mark's character, but it didn't really feel like the coup de grace somehow and since it's not shown, it hardly one ups the previous two (except with maybe a little extra squirting).

I think the success of the script depends on how funny people think dog poop is. I won't claim to be above poop jokes but yours, while well crafted as gags, weren't exactly out of the ball park. Merely adequate.

A very adequate script, overall.

By the way, MoviePoet?


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Reef Dreamer
Posted: December 29th, 2011, 11:27am Report to Moderator
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Hi folks,

Thanks for the reads everyone.

Sorry I haven't replied sooner but I've been travelling and am now in the middle of nowhere with limited internet access and computer power. I will have to come back to you individually later, if appropriate.

This simple tale was put together for a short competition in the UK which is still being judged (190 scripts so expectations are low, the winner is produced). The criteria were five pages or less and on a similar theme to their previous work. Their previous short  was a down to earth story involving a deluded man, so this was my stab along those lines. To be honest I treated this more as a useful exercise in plotting a story.

As James above points out correctly, this is a one trick pony with a touch of added revenge, so hopefully the break up of the three scenes just about covers this, otherwise it needs an extra angle. On reflection the revenge element needs to be played out a bit more. I envisage a close up shot of Stacey as she breaks out into a large grin reinforcing the setup, which we discover at the end.

Finally, I appreciate this has a British feel, which was the intention as the producer is British. The next one in the Urban Legends challenge is, hopefully, more universal.

all the best and a happy new year to all


My scripts †HERE

The Elevator Most Belonging To Alice - Semi Final Bluecat, Runner Up Nashville
Inner Journey - Page Awards Finalist - Bluecat semi final
Grieving Spell - winner - London Film Awards.††Third - Honolulu
Ultimate Weapon - Fresh Voices - second place
IMDb link... http://www.imdb.com/name/nm7062725/?ref_=tt_ov_wr
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albinopenguin
Posted: January 2nd, 2012, 1:44pm Report to Moderator
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Hey Bill,

a lot has been said already, so I'll keep it short (i really dont have much more to add anyways).

overall, i thought this was okay. smiled a few times and enjoy myself. nothing new but dog s hit is always entertaining.

i honestly think you should scrap some of the locations (especially in the first half of the script). most of what's going on could all occur within the park.

i too was confused by the cell phone picture. it was flowing nicely until then.

enjoyable read but i think you can up the ante a bit. dogs are pretty gross. they slober everywhere, hump things they shouldnt, and can be a real terror. why not play it up a bit? what would mark do to have sex with the world's hottest chick if she had the world's worst dog? would it even be worth it?


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darrentomalin
Posted: January 2nd, 2012, 3:51pm Report to Moderator
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Hi there, happy new year,
Good to read a something set in my country, Mark is a total wanker and an awesome character.
Two typo's to correct - P2 "L" instead of "I" when he says "I'll come back" and a missing apostrophe in Kids Spade.
Love Theif, but was a little let down that he didn't do more, he could be an even more memorable character. For example, I loved the jokes, but would rather have one poo joke.
Perhaps combine the trousers and shovel skits into one scene and have Thief do other things like Puke, hump, bark, lick, cock a leg, steal someone's dinner, drag Mark into the ladies toilets - he has lots of opportunities to ruin Mark's day!

Though it was nicely rounded off when Stacey explains that the dog hasnt been well and has had the shits.

Drop the photo scene, have a simple phone call running parallel with Mark's little adventure explaining Stacey's motives. Great idea that Stacey is the one using Mark so that premise could be strengthened.
Some awesome opportunities here that could be more.
A solid easy and enjoyable read with great moments.

Daz


http://darrentomalin.webs.com/index.htm

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