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I liked this, but it could be shortened. Especially the beginning. A lot of time is spent just watching Vincent standing around doing nothing.
A few errors I noticed are listed below. Nothing major:
-Page number on the first page.
-No FADE IN:
-"The quarreling group pass close by and stop." I think, because you're referring to the group as a whole, it should be "the quarreling group passes close by and stops." Same for the next line. Should be "A fight breaks out and the group disperses."
-"Vincent rests against the wall; just inside the side street." Hm...not sure if this is the right way to use a semicolon. I'd just say: "Vincent rests against the wall, just inside the side street," but I'm not sure.
-"A middle aged, and over weight, WOMAN." You can take out the two commas. "A middle-aged and overweight WOMAN" is fine.
-Get rid of the adverbs.
-"the disinfectant in the air burns his eyes." Show, don't tell. Have him blink a few times or have his eyes look red or something to show that it burns his eyes.
-VINCENT What you still doing up, I thought you were in bed?
VINCENT What you still doing up? I thought you were in bed.
-KATY ...and you're case was full of blood samples.
"your" not "you're"
-KATY What does it matter, it's just a facade.
KATY What does it matter? It's just a facade.
I've noticed this a few other times. Be sure to get the punctuation right in dialogue.
I hope this helps. Overall, I liked this. It's written well for the most part, in my opinion. My only problem with this is that I'm a bit confused as to what kind of monster Vincent is... I'm guessing he's a vampire, but then how is he transparent?
It’s good to see an old contributing member back and writing.
This was an okay tale, needs to be shortened, a lot of superfluous scenes taking place IMO. I don’t think there was any need for the fast food scenes or the two police man looking in the side street. Also the first scene with the group fighting could be cut.
I was a bit confused by the end, I’m guessing Vincent is a vampire, either that or he’s just addicted to blood for some unknown reason. What confused me is if he is a vampire, why take test tubes of blood? Why not just feed on the woman he attacked? Also, why would a vampire get married and have children, again, guessing its Vincent’s child? He knows what danger he’s putting them in.
It would have also been nice to see Vincent beat or least try to beat his addiction at the end. He didn’t seem to fight it, I mean, this is his wife, not just some random woman. I just thought he would be more indecisive about this.
I like the idea behind this and think with a bit of polishing, this could be a good little short.
These are the notes I took during the read:
Page 1: The action could be tightened on this first page. Vincent's intro is a good example.
"Vincent leans against the window and peers through. He is in his thirties and wears a jacket to the knees. His face concealed beneath five days stubble. Could be:
"Vincent, 30's, wears a jacket down to his knees, a few days stubble. He leans against the window, observes the girls." Just a thought, try to avoid "he is", this isn't a good way to introduce a character IMO.
"A MAN, wearing bright shirt" try to avoid "ing" words if possible. "A MAN, wears a bright shirt"
"A crowd nears" I would capitalize crowd.
MALE VOICE Deck him, Johnny!
MALE VOICE Yeah, punch him one!
This is confusing, is it the same person? I know it isn't but it could confuse the reader. They need individual dialogue names. If you’re not naming them, try something like "drunken man 1" and then 2. I actually don't like that but hopefully you know what I'm trying to say, they need to be separate.
Found this scene with the crowd confusing, at first I thought they were having a go at Vincent but then a fight breaks out and Vincent isn't involved. Why were they fighting? What did have to do with Vincent?
Page 2: I would capitalize siren.
"Vincent rolls around a corner" Is he literally rolling around this corner?
I wonder whether you could have just had a mini slug for side street? Not positive on that on to be honest?
"Vincent rest against the wall; just inside the side street." I would take out the second line; we know it's the side street from the slug.
I understand he's watching but we would be seeing this on screen so shouldn't you changed slug here when the Bouncer prevents the teen from entering?
Yeah, I think that whole passage with the bouncers and the woman leaving the club should be a change of slug or at least a P.O.V.
Page 3: I think it would be better to name the woman, she talks more than one line. It might make the reader care about her more, it's hard to care for characters when they are called woman, man etc.
You have start a sentence with "he" 7 times in a row between page 3 and 4, try to mix it up a bit with different beginnings.
Page 4: again here, start with "he" 6 times in a row.
"Suckles" Would sucks be better. Suckles is more used in terms of breastfeeding but maybe that's what you want?
Page 5: "He is shirtless" the dreaded "is" again. "He's shirtless" is better.
What's a two finger revolver? sounds like a gun. What is an attendant doing?
Page 6: “The woman’s body has gone.” Is she dead?
Two POLICEMEN forage amongst the rubbish bins. POLICEMAN Waste of time if you ask me.
Vincent passes by in the background.
POLICEMAN She’s just another junkie, probably done over by her dealer?
Again this reads confusing, two different talkers but they have the same name in dialogue.
“INT. CAR – DAY” This slug could be continuous instead.
Another passage of sentences all starting with “he”
“INT. KITCHEN - HOUSE – DAY” the rest of the slugs read like this “INT. HOUSE – BATHROOM – NIGHT” House has changed around, not that it matters just always think it’s better to be consistent.
Page 7: Katy’s intro needs a little work.
“The front door is heard closing.” The front door closes sounds better.
Page 8: “Vincent stands and stares at his reflection in the mirror” take out “stands and” just “Vincent stares at his reflection in the mirror” a few lines could be tightened like this.
VINCENT What you still doing up, I thought you were in bed? Missing question mark here.
“serges” you mean surges.
“you’re case” should be your.
“You know what I want to know.” Missing question mark.
Page 10: “or are there more than one?” Think it would read better as “or is there more than one”
“Katy erupts with a growl.” I don’t think growl is the right word here, makes me think she’s a dog or something.
It’s an okay short for me, needs polishing. I would also look at the length and try to cut it down a bit in a rewrite.
Not bad after taking a break from writing for a year but I think there’s better to come from you.
Hope this helps.
Good work and keep writing.
p.s Thanks for the pm, will hopefully get around to Pub Lunch next week.
Hi Alffy - you got some pretty comprehensive feedback from Coop, so I'm not going to go into any length, just some stuff that I don't think has been brought up:
EXT. STREET - You might be able to drop this, and just go with MARIO's... as it's likely to be on a street, and if it's not, then draw attention to it.
I like the attention to detail re take-away sign, I don't think it's perfectly executed (see Coop's post), but on the right lines; then on to the girls - so presents as the right line of thought.
#emits it’s welcome; -should be its (possessive form). Maybe someone can delve into the semi-colon use - not too sure myself, think it should be a comma.
I've got a slight problem as to Vincent's whereabouts - is he across the road? I'm not too sure. I don't figure this out until the next page.
#Vincent remains silent. -This is inaction, and there's no need to show it in an action line.
#Vincent remains uninterested. He stares into the Pizza Shop. -As above, but I think you need to give it a little creativity, maybe Vincent does something, else you run the risk of - why look at him again?
Apart from that, I'd mainly echo what Coop has said - it's got potential.
I dug this, the scene where he was draining the girl of blood really disturbed me, especially when he bite the wound. Although I think the characters could use more development, such as Vincent explaining where his addiction comes from before trying to fight it off. Overall this kept my attention, and like the others, I think it has potential, good work.
Still away from my computer so I'll keep this short and respond more later.
Thanks for all the feedback and cheers Steve for your extensive review. I don't want to make excuses but like I said, this was the first thing I had wtitten in over a year so I felt like a novice again, hence some of the schoolboy errors lol. I wanted to write a modern day vampire story were the vamp is also trying to lead a near normal life. I will defo work on this soon.
Check out my scripts...if you want to, no pressure.
I enjoyed this, it had a distinct tone, a sense of mood.
Ok, a few things could be tightened In the writing and order, possibly a bit of trimming a the beginning but there is something about this. I didn't think vampire, but it is a possibility.
I just sensed a disturbed man with a blood fetish, obsession. i thought this because there is such a sense of reality flowing through this work, the barren urban town centre, the dodgy pizza cafe, the anger and violence. This is then used by the attacker as an opportunity, predatory. It's how it happens.
He comes home, his stash is thrown away and he can't cope - he takes it out on his wife. Addiction causes people to lose a sense of reality, their sense of logic, the need takes over. This comes across as his most precious world has to suffer.
Ok, not a bag of laughs, but I like this and imagine this could make a gritty, realsitic and unsettling short film.
The Elevator Most Belonging To Alice - Semi Final Bluecat, Runner Up Nashville Inner Journey - Page Awards Finalist - Bluecat semi final Grieving Spell - winner - London Film Awards. Third - Honolulu Ultimate Weapon - Fresh Voices - second place IMDb link... http://www.imdb.com/name/nm7062725/?ref_=tt_ov_wr
Good to see you around the forums chiming in lately. I'm going into this one cold, avoiding the previous posts.
Couple of pages in and I'm unsure what I'm paying attention to. Vincent seems to be our guy, but it's all disjointed descriptions so far. They feel like prose, even though mostly written in present tense. Many of your descriptive flourishes are pushing me away from your narrative.
P. 5 I didn't know what this description meant. He fumbles his name badge like a sheriff does his star.
I had a hard time following the story. For a while, I thought it might be a vampire thing. I'm guessing it's more of a substance addiction. But I feel like your prose flirted with its subject matter. I would've preferred a more involving straightforward approach.
Vincent's change from street predator to domestic turbulence felt awkward to me. Clean up the prose and give us a little more to chew on with your dialogue, IMO.
Hope this helps. Keep writing and rewriting!
LATEST NEWS CineVita Films is producing a short based on my new feature!
Had a lot of comments so far regarding my descriptions. I'll hold my hands up and say again that I had written any script for a long while but had wrote a few short stories, hence the past/present tense mix-ups. I will sort this out in the new draft. A prime example is the quote above about the name badge. This is a reference to the assistant thinking he has authority; like a sheriff. I do like that line though lol.
Check out my scripts...if you want to, no pressure.
Good to see you writing again. I agree with others that this is a bit over written in the beginning.
I thought Vincent was a vampire at first, too. Then you have him walking in at day time. Plus the transparency of his torso through me off.
Overall, this kept my interest, but the writing through me off pace more than a couple of times. Didn't know what a hold-all was. Guessing a duffle bag? "fobs" open a car?
Anyways, i will be interested to see if there is an explanation behind Vincent's behavior. If there is no explanation, I won't be surprised. Seems many like to write intriguing shorts with no real answers. Personally, I think its a cop out. I want my cake and eat it too...
Hey Alffy, good to see you back, like others have said. Just saw this and gave it a read - a full read, surprise, surprise.
I don't want to be harsh or a dick, but you know I calls 'em, as I sees 'em.
The writing here is a mess, IMO. Pretty much every single possible mistake is on display - grammar, punctuation, awkward writing, over writing, unclear writing, terrible Slug writing, poor action writing, tons of orphans, tense issues, and poor sentence structure. It all needs attention and really drags the read down.
But you know what? First of all, as I said, I did read the entire script, which is something I haven't been doing much lately. Also, I was intrigued to find out what was going on and what was going to happen. And all said and done, there is something here that could work.
As written, this is 11 pages, but in reality, without taking out a single action or beat, it could easily be condensed to 8 pages. Taking out a few completely unnecessary scenes could reduce this down to 5 pages. I think it should be around 10-12 pages, but I'm talking about adding at least 5 pages of new action and scenes.
So, as written, I think it's a real mess. I see you haven't written in awhile, but as far as I'm concerned, that doesn't work as an excuse, based on the level and number of mistakes on display here. One thing I really want to to stress to you is to drop all the use of semicolons. IMO, they have absolutely no place in a screenplay. But I can guarantee you that you're using them incorrectly, whether this is a screenplay or a short literary story.
Clean this thing up, Allfy and you'll have a nice little modern day vampire script on your hands. Take care, man.
To ski or not to ski...that's not even a question.
Ha ha it's good to be back and getting a bolloking for my bad grammer. I hang my head and will be compelled to redo this tomorrow. I will take on board all the comments and hopefully I'll get a positive review with next draft. It's like i've never been away. I love how members here hold no punches but frankly my face hurts now so i'm going for some ice. lol.
Check out my scripts...if you want to, no pressure.
Hi Anthony, I just read your script. I think it's good. However, I don't think it's a short. I think you need to consider making it a full length feature! As far as the grammer goes. Don't worry about that as much. Write and have someone else read over your work to help correct that challenge. Also, make sure to have a few actors read thru. the dialogue in order to hear your writing. I found myself improvising here and there. Have a great weekend!