Hey Toby,

First off thanks for having a look at this one. Your feedback and input is well-appreciated.

Quoted from Toby As I said in the PM, I read this a few days ago, but was too mentally exhausted to give you the feedback it deserved then. I really enjoyed the short when I read it then, and I enjoyed it just as much on the second reading. For the most part, it was very well written. I like the way you write, bro.

Glad you enjoyed it. The idea came into my head quite suddenly with the September MP contest. It's quite a cool thing when an idea is thought up in just a couple seconds and then to top it off, it's been incredibly well-received. The people here at SS have been an awesome help with their constructive feedback.

Quoted from Toby I’d maybe have the first shot an exterior of the battle camp. And then jump to the interior of the tent. I personally think that would establish the setting better.

I agree 100 %. The reason I didn't have it was because I had to cut down with the MP challenge and I forgot to add it to my re-write. You'll see one there with the next re-write.

Quoted from Toby First description is a little bit dodgy as well mate, as you repeat the slug. I’m notoriously guilty of this, but have been trying my hardest to minimise these errors...

Yeah I know, I know. I'm trying to be more wary of that.

Quoted from Toby Also, I’m a little bit confused as to how dark the initial setting is. The only reason I ask, is you say “A match is STRUCK, illuminating the irritated face of HENRY CALLIGER”, and I therefore assumed that it was dark, until the match was lit. But you describe Carson appearance in detail beforehand, which makes me assume that it’s not so dark? Minor issue, though. But the dark setting would make the establishing exterior shot even more useful, as people may have a hard time seeing/ understanding what the hell is going on, if it is really dark and gloomy in the tent.

That's a golden piece of advice right there. I've never picked that up before.

Quoted from Toby Page 2- Carson: “It's a death trap on Codine!” I’ve never heard this expression before. What is Codine? Do you mean codeine? Even s till, I've never heard this before.

Codeine is a drug used to help injuries. Problem is, it usually send the people on a high as well. I have suggested that maybe morphine would be more appropriate to the time period?? Many people don't like that line at all.

Quoted from Toby Page 2- Carson’s line: “Shit! Right, time to go!” is redundant in my opinion. He brakes cover right after this, so I mean, is it important that we know it is “time to go”? Isn't us seeing him brake cover enough?

Fair enough. It was one of those lines that seemed good at the time

Quoted from Toby You use quite a lot of exclamation marks in the dialogue as well, man. But I can’t talk too loud, as I’m also quite guilty of this.

Aw does it get a little too dramatic? Point taken.

Quoted from Toby Now the ending, as much as I like it, I feel like it needs to end where it begins - in the tent. Maybe move Carson's final line of dialogue (the "right?") to the tent instead? Or something like that. I just feel that if it ends where it begins, it would feel slightly more resolved.

Bugger! Originally I did take the ending in the tent out after MP members commented and said it wasn't a good ending. Now I've come here and people are asking if I make it more resolved... The issue comes with trying to find a way of having an ending that works for most people who have asked for a change.

Thanks Toby. I truly appreciate the time you have taken to have a read and give some feedback.

Cheers,

Dan

Daniel

Not bad for a four pager, there is the kernel of a story here that warrants further development.

DAMON
It's a death trap on Codine!

- Not so sure about this line, reads a bit awkward.

I’m confused as to the geography of events on page 3. Carson runs out into no man’s land, scoops up the girl and ducks in behind rubble. Suddenly, Damon is beside him again. How? It seemed almost too easy, done and dusted in a couple of action lines. Maybe I overestimated the scale of the task on the basis of how you first described the situation but I imagined the Girl was out in a big space .i.e. no man’s land with zero cover from both sides.

“Shouts O.S. stop Damon and Carson. Less than 50 meters away,
two ITALIAN SOLDIERS advance on them.”

- Why did Carson and Damon suddenly decide to stop when the Italian soldier ran at them, shouting, pointing their weapons? That’s three reasons right there why they should have stuck to their plan of getting the fu?k out!

From what I remember of the other scripts I’ve read from you the writing here appears to have improved a lot, far more accomplished and assured. The prose reads well, the visuals are clear (with the exception of the example I gave above) and direct so well done on that.

In keeping with your story construct, how about having Carson and Damon meeting the Italian soldiers head on instead of stopping to hear what they have to say, as you’ve written, which just doesn’t come off as realistic to me. If they meet head on, a Mexican standoff could arise with the Girl literally stuck in the middle. A cliché for sure but more believable then what you’ve got. Carson and Damon turn a corner with the Girl, reckon they are in the clear before the “enemy” suddenly appears, blocking their path, hence it becomes and “us or them” situation.

Regards

Col.

Great suggestion by the Colonel!!!!!

Seriously, have them stand off.  Take your time here.  Work the tension.  The...have him blow their asses away and the lil kid runs to her dead daddy, screaming, "Papa...Papa...no".

For reals...nice!!

Hey Dan,

I thought there was a decent albeit overblown premise here. "War takes its toll" is a most appropriate phrase for your logline; Carson discovering the implications of war is essentially what your story is all about. That's all well and good, not to mention effective for such a short script. I say overblown because there is an abundance of melodrama that doesn't sit well with me. Perhaps this is just my personal taste speaking but as always, I think any reservations I have for a script are thoughts the writer will want to know about.

First off, I've skimmed the previous comments and saw mention of Carson's behavior at the beginning of the script to be unrealistic. That is, it seems his experience has driven him insane. I'd agree with this. I mean, the fact that you're probably killing many a child's father during wartime is one that any given soldier with have to accept at some point. If this had just happened to Carson, I could understand he'd be distraught but month's down the line, I feel like he should have resolved to live with this experience.

Not to say he shouldn't be feeling any remorse. It's sort of inevitable that he would. But the insanity aspect not only feels overblown, it kinda makes Carson look like he doesn't have what it takes to be a soldier. Regardless, I'd dial his state back substantially. It's too much at this point.

Moving along to the actual battle scene, I think you've taken many measures to shove Carson's nobility down the reader/viewer's throat. His buddy's dismissive comments in regards to helping the girl serve to make Carson look better than he is. I didn't like this. I felt it manipulative in a bad way. I'd wager Damon is an ordinary guy like Carson with the same sentiments as an ordinary guy. I imagine he, like, Carson would want to help the girl out as well. He can be resistant, of course, but I hate how callous he comes off, especially when it's meant to puff up another character. It'd be more balanced as well as interesting to see Damon struggle to assist his comrade with this task.

Also, with the girl in the middle of battle and her father on the side of the Italians, wouldn't he want them to cease fire and see if they couldn't get his daughter out of harm's way? Essentially, I think the "enemy" faces the same dilemma as Carson. They should be taking measures to work this out as well. This complicates the scene in a good way and heightens the potential for suspense, pathos, and conflict.

Finally, I agree with the previous two commenters that some kind of stand-off should arise from this. If anything, the girl's father would be pushing harder to save her than Carson. I think there's a potential for a more robust climax and resolution to this story.

So yeah. I think you got something good here. Scale back the melodrama and the manipulation and take advantage of opportunities to complicate and thus enhance the conflict. Hope this helps.

Thanks Col, Jeff (again) and James.

@Col: First off, thanks for having a read. There's nothing I appreciate more than some honest feedback.

The death trap on codine line is going. I've had enough people respond negatively to that one so it won't be there in the next draft.

Quoted from Col I’m confused as to the geography of events on page 3. Carson runs out into no man’s land, scoops up the girl and ducks in behind rubble. Suddenly, Damon is beside him again. How? It seemed almost too easy, done and dusted in a couple of action lines. Maybe I overestimated the scale of the task on the basis of how you first described the situation but I imagined the Girl was out in a big space .i.e. no man’s land with zero cover from both sides.

Aha? My original interpretation of it was that the girl wasn't at all too far from them. The way I imagined it was that she was maybe twenty or so metres away, therefore making the task not that particularly hard, but still something that takes guts. I can still see what you're trying to get at and I hope to make it a lot clearer in the next draft.

Quoted from Col Why did Carson and Damon suddenly decide to stop when the Italian soldier ran at them, shouting, pointing their weapons?

Hopefully to create some sort of tension. It's supposed to be a situation where the Americans are not sure what they should do. Normally, they would probably just shoot them, but I'd imagine the girl has made the situation a little more difficult. Carson may be a little more reluctant to act as he doesn't want to expose her to a violent situation. Having said that, this film is set during war time... She would have seen enough violence anyway. In short, I'm not sure about that one. I'll see what I can do with it.

[qoute=Col] From what I remember of the other scripts I’ve read from you the writing here appears to have improved a lot, far more accomplished and assured. The prose reads well, the visuals are clear (with the exception of the example I gave above) and direct so well done on that. [/quote]

Great! Good to see that my writing has improved after a couple months spent here.

Love the idea about the standoff. I'll see what I can do.

Thanks again Col. Let me know if I can return the favour.

@Jeff: Hoping you're not being sarcastic because I actually like the idea with the standoff. Hope I can make it work. Thanks Jeff. I hope to get in touch with you shortly regarding another script currently in development, if you don't mind. I've been told by another simply scripter that your feedback is priceless when it comes to feature lengths.

@James: Some serious food for thought in that last review, man. Thanks so much.

Quoted from James McClung I thought there was a decent albeit overblown premise here. "War takes its toll" is a most appropriate phrase for your logline; Carson discovering the implications of war is essentially what your story is all about. That's all well and good, not to mention effective for such a short script. I say overblown because there is an abundance of melodrama that doesn't sit well with me. Perhaps this is just my personal taste speaking but as always, I think any reservations I have for a script are thoughts the writer will want to know about.

Good to see you like the premise but have suggested where I can still improve. I completely agree with it being slightly overblown. I wrote most of it the way I would hope the actors would act it out. Maybe on script it doesn't work out well. This sorta thing should be left for interpretation. Your "reservations" are welcome anytime

Quoted from James McClung First off, I've skimmed the previous comments and saw mention of Carson's behavior at the beginning of the script to be unrealistic. That is, it seems his experience has driven him insane. I'd agree with this. I mean, the fact that you're probably killing many a child's father during wartime is one that any given soldier with have to accept at some point. If this had just happened to Carson, I could understand he'd be distraught but month's down the line, I feel like he should have resolved to live with this experience.

This is something that keeps popping up on the thread and I'm still not sure which side to take. Some say it's fine, others say it's overdone. While I can understand that soldiers would kill many a child's father in any given day, the difference with Carson is he did it right in front of the little girl. I think that maybe it would hit him harder than just killing a man when he's away from his family. He actually gets to witness his implications on family life and that might be a turning point for him. As for him being driven crazy by it... I think every man has it's limit. There are some men who went nuts when they heard that first shell went off. Others could stay in action without really thinking twice about it. Maybe Carson has reached his limit. This is set in 1944. Carson would have been in action for quite some time. That's just the way I look at it, although I definitely understand where a lot of you guys are coming from. One member said my thoughts perfectly... Who can say where one man's limitations are?

Quoted from James McClung it kinda makes Carson look like he doesn't have what it takes to be a soldier. Regardless, I'd dial his state back substantially. It's too much at this point.

I'm working on amending that. I'm going to make Carson a lot younger. There were a lot of soldiers who believed it was their duty to go out and fight for America. Of course, this wasn't only the case in America. Most teenagers around the world were volunteering to fight for their countries. Carson, to me, was just another naive soldier who wasn't ready for war and it's social implications.

Quoted from James McClung Moving along to the actual battle scene, I think you've taken many measures to shove Carson's nobility down the reader/viewer's throat. His buddy's dismissive comments in regards to helping the girl serve to make Carson look better than he is. I didn't like this. I felt it manipulative in a bad way. I'd wager Damon is an ordinary guy like Carson with the same sentiments as an ordinary guy. I imagine he, like, Carson would want to help the girl out as well. He can be resistant, of course, but I hate how callous he comes off, especially when it's meant to puff up another character. It'd be more balanced as well as interesting to see Damon struggle to assist his comrade with this task.

That was not the intention at all. Although, now that you've suggested it I have an idea that could hint at how naive Carson may have been. Young teens were taught fighting and "doing the right thing" was a noble thing. Perhaps he's only trying to mirror a noble deed. He's trying to do the right thing. Yes, he may be too noble, but that COULD be exactly what the story needs... A tool to show how these kids were brainwashed to the point of being too noble. Adds a little more irony and opens it up before. I know I've taken the complete opposite from what you intended in your notes. I'll see how it works. Maybe send it out to a few people on SS before I post it here again. I can send one to you if you like

Quoted from James McClung Also, with the girl in the middle of battle and her father on the side of the Italians, wouldn't he want them to cease fire and see if they couldn't get his daughter out of harm's way? Essentially, I think the "enemy" faces the same dilemma as Carson. They should be taking measures to work this out as well. This complicates the scene in a good way and heightens the potential for suspense, pathos, and conflict.

Both your suggestions and Cole's have given me some great ideas regarding this part. Some killer notes the two have you have given. Priceless.

Thanks to all of you. Your feedback is great and I hope to use most of it with the upcoming re-write.

Cheers,

Dan

Dan, I was not being sarcastic.  I think it's a very good idea that would really enhance this.

Let me know what's up with your feature.

I didn't think you were. Sometimes you can't pick up on sarcasm through writing. I didn't mean to offend. I'm about twelve pages into it, so it will still be a while before I get hold of you. Thanks anyway

Quoted from danbotha Let me know if I can return the favour.

- Cheers for the offer, Dan, check out anything on my sig if you want but don't feel obligated. I'll be posting an alternative draft of "Rid of Guilt" soon.

Quoted from Colkurtz8 - Cheers for the offer, Dan, check out anything on my sig if you want but don't feel obligated. I'll be posting an alternative draft of "Rid of Guilt" soon.

No worries. I've promised a few members reads lately and I'm making incredibly slow progress on them. Think I told Greg I'd read his about a week and a half ago . I'll re-bump one of your shorts at random and have a look at the revised draft you mentioned above when it's posted. Be sure to let me know.

Cheers,

Dan