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Glad you found it entertaining. The "Death trap on Codine" was honestly the first drug I thought of. Not even sure if it was around during WW2 . I'll look into it. Maybe Morphine would be more relevant??
Loving the idea of conflict. I'm hoping to extend this into a feature some time next year. I have a feeling a lot of this short will change, though. The title, for example wouldn't work with the extended idea of this. Not sure if it has potential as a feature-length or not, but I guess we'll see
Thanks, Steve. I see you have a new short up. I'll take a look.
This was pretty well written, and I enjoyed it quite a bit. I'm fairly sure most of the notes I made while reading have been mentioned by others, but what the hell, I'll repeat them anyway!
Page 1 The line: 'The other two men, dart up, prop themselves up.' reads a little awkwardly. Something like 'The other two men awaken and quickly sit up.' might work better.
Page 2 No need for a comma in 'Carson and Damon, crouch behind a pile of rubble.'
The line "It's a death trap on Codine!" kinda threw me off. I'm not sure what you were trying to say there. Just "It's a death trap!" would be fine.
'wonders aimlessly' should be 'wanders aimlessly'.
No need for a comma in 'She cries out, in Italian.'
Page 3 Insert a comma after 'wide eyed'.
'clutcches' is misspelled, although I think 'grabs' would be a better verb to use.
Page 4 The line "No time to lose." by Carson doesn't really make sense within the scene - they aren't on a time limit or up against the clock. As Steve mentioned, just having Carson shoot would probably work better.
'FADE OUT:' should be right aligned and have a full stop instead of a colon.
As others have pointed out, this would definitely benefit with a return to the tent for the ending. I also agree with 'the other Dan' that Carson's opening meltdown was a little too much. Him waking up, then shouting 'No, no, no, no!' before rocking back and forth seemed a bit over the top.
Try to make it a little subtler at the start, then have him breaking down at the end after reliving the story. Maybe when we return to the tent from the flashback Carson could repeat the line "He was the enemy." before breaking down in tears. Henry and Damon could try to comfort him and share a worried look as he continues to sob uncontrollably.
I hope this helps, and I look forward to reading the rewrite!
I still struggle with commas. I still don't quite understand where they're supposed to be fitted in. My rule: When in doubt, insert a comma! I see your point, and I'l be sure to fix it up in the next re-write.
Sorry you found the opening a little over-the-top. I'll try and tone it down a bit next time round
You've brought a lot of new pointers in this discussion, so don't worry too much about the few repeats in the notes.
When you say 'It's a death trap on codine', do you mean codeine?
Not a bad story but some of the soldiers dialogue seems a bit modern day, if you know what I mean, and not 1944. Other than that the story was okay. I agree that Carson's break down over shooting a enemy soldier may seem a bit too much but then who can say what tips a man over the edge in warfare?
A few typo's too but I never made note of them as they've probably all been picked up by now.
Check out my scripts...if you want to, no pressure.
@Anthony: It appears that this one is riddled with typos and spelling errors. I wasn't sure of the spelling of codeine, so I thought I'd leave it. Some lazy writing on my part. I'll have another look at the dialogue and see how I can change it up. I don't think English in America has changed that much since 1944, but I should probably research more into that. Cheers. Happy be-lated birthday. It missed my facebook feed for some reason
@Richard: Shit! I just realised I owe you a read from ages ago. You sent me an email a couple months back and I never got back to you. Sorry about that. My offer still stands, so let me know if you still want me to read. I'm hoping that your comment was a compliment Thanks, man.
Hey Dan, was pleasantly surprised to open this up and see it was yours.
People mentioned the trauma already, and the way it's written doesn't quite convey the reasons for such a strong reaction. How about a grenade in papa's face or a bullet blows his whole head apart? Some brain lands on little girl's face, or in her open mouth hehehe.
One or two lines felt forced "DAMON: Carson, you're in a military compound. The same one you've been in for months." "DAMON: Fuck the orders! C'mon, there are two of us and how many of them? It's a death trap on Codine!"
Apart from that it was nicely balanced with a strong narrative line connecting the points from start to finish. Good job man.
I'm not sure I want to make this too graphic to be honest, although it's definitely a possibility. I just feel that the fact that he just shot a little girl's father right in front of her eyes is enough to push him over the edge. I can't be sure, but I know I would freak out completely.
The dialogue is something I'll be reviewing big time in the next re-write.
Sorry for coming in late to this one – it’s been on my list to read.
A very quick read and quite a nice little short to be honest with you, I only wish I had more to add but it’s a simple tale really. I like the idea of a solider making a quick decision and taking action to save the girl, only for that decision to be wrong.
Was there a need for a flashback or any tent opening – probably not! But as you had it, it would have been nice to go back to the tent and see some kind of conclusion to the story – was it just a nightmare? Is he over the tragic event? What has this done to the relationship between Damon and Carson? What happened to the girl?
You could get rid of Henry completely; he’s hardly relevant at all and doesn’t need to be in the story as told.
The writing was a tad clumsy with some comma problems, typos and some repetitive word choices (rubble being the main one)
In saying that, I’ve just read through the feedback and it seems this did well over at MP and that is something to be proud of – some great writers on that site so to come first is a great accomplishment.
Now with the restrictions out the way, maybe you could give this a re-write and flesh the characters out more and add some substance to the story. It’s really all riding on that ending at the moment but it could be so much more.
A pleasure to read as always and keep up the good work. And don’t forget to do your homework! Is N.Z the same as Oz? Are you about to finish up for the school year?
Some notes to follow:
Should I mention the larger font on your title page? Well, it seems I have and it’s something I don’t care for but I’ll put that down to preference.
P.1 I’m going to start off with another picky comment – get some space between the slugs and action, feels very closed in at the moment. You should be able to change this with the software you’re using.
“A basic military tent” A bit redundant. I know this from the slug.
“lightly decorated” What does this mean? Have they given it a touch of paint or something?
“The other two men, dart up, prop themselves up.” A very clunky line – darting up would mean that they rushed out of bed I thought but then they’re propping themselves up.
“clean shaven” So both men like to use a razor – it’s a tad repetitive for me to have this line for both descriptions unless it’s important to the story – we’ll see?
“Carson|s” A good old keyboard typo, here.
“Carson looks on, in horror.” I’m hardly the comma police but does a comma need to be here?
P.2 “rubble” Watch out for repetitive word use if possible in the same action line – it rarely ever looks good.” “crouch behind a pile of (rubble).” Could have been debris.
“Codine” Typo – codeine
“wonders” wanders.
“She cries out, in Italian.” Forget the comma. Is she actually crying? Can you cry in different languages? I know what you mean but maybe you could change “cries” for clarity sakes.
“clutcches” Maybe another keyboard typo – kept the finger pressed on the “c”
P.3 “I ain't dying for a kid.” What kind of soldiers are these? What does he think he’s fighting for?
You’ve got to calm down on the use of “rubble” I’ve seen so much in three pages – could just be me though, mate. These kind of things stick out to me.
“Damon crouches down on the other side of Carson.” When did Damon arrive? Has he changed his mind about dying for a child?
“She's Italian!” I don’t understand? What does her nationality mean?
“Damon fires at (an) unseen enemy” the unseen enemy, they’ve been intro’d.
P.4 “Pa—“ Kinda giving it away here.
“breaks down” How many times can one break down – think you’re over doing it, Dan. I get the picture.
“Carson doesn't respond” Nothing wrong with this line but it was aligned wrong – an extra space.
A very quick read and quite a nice little short to be honest with you, I only wish I had more to add but it’s a simple tale really. I like the idea of a solider making a quick decision and taking action to save the girl, only for that decision to be wrong.
Cheers. It's the first screenplay where I've tried to incorporate some sort of twist at the end. Glad it worked out well on paper.
The ending will be changed up. Originally I did have a resolution in the tent, but the folks over at MP said that it was a little too much.
As for Henry I can see why he doesn't make sense in the short copy. If I was to extend on the idea (undecided on that one) he would play a much bigger part in the entire thing.
In saying that, I’ve just read through the feedback and it seems this did well over at MP and that is something to be proud of – some great writers on that site so to come first is a great accomplishment.
Thanks. The people over there are incredibly friendly and encouraging. The writers are some of the best I've ever spoken to and it's great to be involved in two incredibly tight screenwriting communities. Both this forum and MP mean a lot.
A pleasure to read as always and keep up the good work. And don’t forget to do your homework! Is N.Z the same as Oz? Are you about to finish up for the school year?
Homework?? Never heard of such a thing . Yup, we're done and dusted since last Thursday. Just had to return for a Prizegiving and then I was outta there untill next year.
Thanks Steve. As always, I appreciate the feedback and time you take to review.
Thanks Steve. As always, I appreciate the feedback and time you take to review.
No worries - always a pleasure to take a look at your work. I remember reading your first script on SS which obviously had its issues, but you've worked hard on improving your craft and now that improvement is there on the page. It's been nice to see your development over the past 6 months.
A lot has already been said, so I'll try not to be too repetitive in my review, because it's best never to raise your hand immediately after the smart kids. I did like the story. I enjoyed how the effects of unknowingly murdering the father of the girl he risked his life to save led to a catatonic state which, in turn, to a degree took his own life away. I will however reiterate the point that while it's a traumatic event, one that would or probably should have tremendous psychological effect on anyone, it seemed hard to believe that this soldier, 24, was shaken enough by it to lose himself the way he did.
In terms of the screenplay there isn't much to say. Your writing is good and aside for a few typos mentioned above I don't have many gripes. Grammar wise, the word immediately following a hyphen is not typically capitalized.
(p2) "Carson and Damon duck -- More bullets missing them by millimeters."
"More" should be in lower case. Same applies to "Stops" on page three. The inclusion of Henry seems unnecessary, but I feel like it might be needed to add verisimilitude to the fact of Carson being in a compound at the beginning. Were it simply him and Damon the story in retrospect would have felt more personal in a way that more or less highlights a bond between the two soldiers as opposed to the story surrounding the girl and the battlefield. I don't know if I'm explaining this right. I'm probably not because that's what I do, but I would leave Henry in. Three soldiers, one not being in the flashback, make it feel like a true military story, less contrived if you may. Besides he doesn't have any lines so he would be paid as no more than an extra were this short to be filmed.
Also, continuing on a frustratingly pedantic note, you can remove the comma in "two men, dart up" (p1) and replace the comma with a period in "shitting me, OK" (p3).
I think the end would work better if you don't have Carson ask, "Right?" Bookend it with the line "He was the enemy. I had to shoot..." It ties in nicely to present time at the beginning and better propels the theme of the piece. Him asking Damon for verification strips an ounce from the weight of Carson's guilt as he's now placing the burden of his potential culpability on Damon. It's also a very civil, ordered response and follow up to his actions, which decreases from the idea that he's given in to heavy PTSD thereafter.
Good piece. Well written. Congratulations on your Movie Poet win. Was this for the contest just a few months ago in which the prompt required a character to awaken with the opening line being "Where am I?" If so I had an idea for that one, but then Subway had discounts, and I lost all focus.
Signatures can be annoying, especially when they're pointless.
Hi Tendai. I'm currently away from home so I'm having to write this on my phone. Thanks again for your awesome feedback. As I am writing this on ly phone going into detail is going to take ages. Promise I'll give more detailed response when I get back.
I was happy when I popped this open and saw that it was yours. (I actually read this a couple weeks ago, but just now got enough time to go online and write my thoughts out in detail.) And I'm kind of glad it did take a while, because now I can go back and reiterate some points others have made, while disagreeing with others.
First of all, congratulations on the win at MP. This is a great story and you put great effort into it, even for only four pages. It's a well-deserved win for you.
Getting down to the nitty-gritty, others have been saying that the flashback needs bookended for more of a resolution. I couldn't disagree more. The resolution is there, it's just in that opening scene, rather than the end. You tell us everything we need to know and if you write another scene in the tent to bookend it, it'll just be redundant of what we already know.
However, you did mention you originally had an additional scene with Carson at the end grabbing at their feet, screaming 'Papa!' I think that's a very strong idea. You may be right, it may be a little melodramatic, but I think it would fit perfect in the beginning and wouldn't come off as melodramatic if Carson woke up and screamed 'PAPA!', rather than the cliche'd 'Where am I?' (Now that you're out of the confines of the competition, you can lose that line and not be penalized for it.)
That way, it'll throw the audience off and we'll think Carson is screaming for his father as he wakes up. Then, at the reveal, it all comes together and heightens the resolution that we already saw in the beginning.
Also, at the end, the final lines, I'd lose him saying 'He was the enemy, right?' It just gets redundant. The line's perfect in the tent scene with Damon answering, but it's too much to repeat it again at the end. The audience'll get the drift and you don't have to hit them over the head with it. Just simply have Damon pulling the reluctant and shocked Carson away from the girl mourning her father. That should make a powerful ending image.
People have also said that his shell-shock is too much. I disagree there, also. While him rocking back and forth may be a little too much for that opening scene, I loved that sense of fear Carson showed when he woke up. I don't think it was as overdone as people say. It'll take the right actors to pull it off so it doesn't seem too much, but it's written well enough as is.
I do agree with everybody that the 'death trap on codeine' line's got to go. That just pulled me out of the story and made me realize I was reading a script, rather than living the soldier's lives.
I guess maybe my only question would be, why did the Italian soldier bring his little 5 year-old to the battle? I understand the battle's going on in their homeland, but wouldn't the soldier's families at least be in a shelter somewhere and not the frontlines that you describe in the scene? Maybe I'm just looking into it too much right now and missing something, especially since I know so very little about war.
Nevertheless, it was a great little story, Dan. You did a great job. It might be a little hefty in the pockets to film, so don't get down on yourself if you can't find a director for it right away, it was still a very enjoyable read.
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He Was The Enemy
. I'll look into it. Maybe Morphine would be more relevant??
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