Hey guys, just some suggestions:

"A SCREAM takes us inside the speeding --"

I think you could just get away with A SCREAM and then move onto the next scene. The car slug will make it clear where the scream is taking us or you could also go with something like "A Scream from inside --"

"The needle pushing 100"

I'd just make this "The needle pushes 100".

"Pedal to the metal, near panic on his face, is LUKE (20s)."

Just reads kind of weird. I would go with something like "Luke (20s), near panic on his face, slams the pedal flat."

"He trades frantic glances between the road and his pregnant wife riding shotgun. This is MARTA (20s). She’s covered in
sweat, panting profusely."

I would just clump this together. "He trades frantic glances between the road and his pregnant wife riding shotgun, MARTA (20s), covered in sweat, panting profusely."

On page 3, "Tormented by guilt"

Eh I would just leave this one out, kind of unpotrayable, but I can see what your trying to say.

Anyways, those are only minor quibbles and I had to search hard to find them. This was a well-paced thriller and very well-written. As others have mentioned, the ending did kind of throw me off. I was thinking that the Victim would be more of an anatagonist, kind of like The Hitcher and for Luke to react more surprised/freightened.

IMO, I would end the script with the Victim standing over Luke, watching him die, smiling maliciously. He then points to the Marta and the baby, walks over,  as Luke takes his last breaths.

Adds a layer of suspense, but still adheres to the theme. Just my opinion, the ending you guys used was still very satisfying.

Last note, the title kind of gives away some of the plot.

Overall, really liked it. Reminds me of those 90's roadside thrillers that I enjoyed as a kid.

Thanks Chonga.

It was written in a day, thrown together for a writer's challenge at another website. There was no time to polish it, so the writing could be better.

Yes, the title does give it away to a degree. It also helps explain the story a little, which we thought was useful.

We were hoping to achieve something a little different with the end than what the other challenge entries tried. The vengeful victim feels like something that's been done many times over the years, so we wanted to create a different feeling.

So instead of the usual hit and run driver, we have a guy who faced a terrible choice. And instead of having a vengeful victim who brings about a curse, in this case the power stems from the driver's guilt. The victim is only there at the end to show that the injuries have transferred.

Thanks for the read and the notes! I suspect other readers and interested directors might feel similarly, where the ending could be more sinister. We've been contacted by several directors, and one very prominent one who would prefer to see the wife in the hospital in labor the whole time. We had a hard time seeing the story that way.

That's the urgency. The guy has to drive his pregnant wife whose about to give birth to the hospital. Without that, the story crumbles. Hopefully, it gets captured in that same way.

Wish you luck on getting a director and can't wait to see the final product.

Gabe

Don't have much more to say then what's already been said but I wanted to say that I really enjoyed the read! Great script! Right to the point, action right off the bat and extremely effective! Great job!

Hey no problem, the writing was still very clean and lean, let alone doing it in ONE day . I'm lucky if I can get 2 pages a day.

I totally get what your going for at the end. I think it's Luke's initial reaction to seeing the Victim kind of threw me off. Anyways, good luck on finding a director and can't wait to read further work from you guys.